[Bartelby]

Ok…. So in the search for enlightenment, here it goes….. (Reader's Digest Version)

Just call me Jay, I am 36 and am totally lost….

Back in '98 on an early May morning, I walked by this very unassuming quiet little girl named Rachel. In an instant I was drawn to her. I still have no idea why or how, but in an instant, I was in love. I never believed in love at first sight, but it hit me like nothing I could have ever imagined and suddenly everything in the world made sense. She instantly filled part of me that I never knew was missing. Soon enough, we were married and sailing off on an adventure that made it's way through 3 different states and wound up in Los Angeles. For 10 years, thick and thin, she completed every part of me…. She was my friend.. My other half….. My princess…. My babydoll…. My Pudembear (still don't know what that means, just something that came out one day)… From sitting at Starbucks, to late night movie marathons, to studying for her license to everything (I could write a novel about all of the reasons I loved/love her but I am trying to keep this short)….. For 9 years 7 months and 3 days she was everything to me…. The world could come to an end and it wouldn't have mattered because her hand was in mine….

Then near Christmas of 2006 everything went to hell overnight, some guy on the other side of the country sparked something that I never knew was there, some hidden longing for an excitement that I did not see had gone missing…. And being the typical male, I was angry and hurt, and said things I shouldn't have and reacted in a way that made her feel (what I assume) was dirty, or guilty or another myriad of negative feelings… So for Christmas of 2006 I was told that it was over, and everything in my life instantly felt destroyed, like my soul had been ripped out, and that there was no way that this could be possible….

Over the next 5 months I went on to experience the worst possible reality that anyone could imagine as the love of my life began a new relationship with someone else…. I do blame all of this on myself for the most part, because at the time I was trying to see through the pain, and begged and pleaded, and talked about ending everything etc. and the more I pushed the further she ran but I was too blinded by the pain to recognize it…. It got to the point that the last thing she said to me face to face in February of 2007 was, “I wish you would just kill yourself, and get it over with.”

So in May of 2007, I ceased all communications per a request that came from her through my mother…. I didn't email, text, call, nothing…. I didn't tell her about all the horrible things that were plastered online about me or explain why I had to close out just about every email address I had…. I waited and wanted to give her the time…. In the last 3 years, I didn't look her up on the net, didn't look at a picture, did everything possible to build a new life and wait for her to contact me…

So now it is 5 years later and I have done an amazing job faking being a whole human being and though I have thought of her every day, though I still wake in the morning feeling her touch, hearing her voice, smelling her scent, seeing her eyes, I have continued, perhaps believing that there would be some point where I had suffered enough, punished myself enough, that this could all be fixed again….

Well it has all finally come to head…. Without reason, without logic, without any warning, she once again has become the only thing I can think about…. As such, I prayed to God for guidance to show me what I am supposed to do next, where I am supposed to go…. And within 6 hours someone I have never met, and had no idea who they were, contacted me on FB asking about my ex. I took this as a sign, and on May 24th, I sent a very simple message letting her know that someone was looking to reconnect and asked how she was doing, 12 days later, No Reply….

Now as an addition, I should mention that the message I received did inspire me to look, and she has remarried, settled right back into the life we built etc….

I just don't know what to do at this point…. I know that most people never get the chance to be as happy as I was once in their entire life, and once you lose it you are never the same… Am I just completely insane? Or is there ever a chance to regain the love of your life? Is there anyway to be the man she once wanted to be? I just don't know anymore...

[JudyKayTee]

You've carried this torch since 1998? (I must admit I didn't read the whole thing.) Your MOTHER was contacted by her, asking your MOTHER to tell to stop contacting her? That doesn't sound good.

I think you need to speak to a professional about your obsession with her.

And as far as praying to God for guidance and getting a "sign" on FB - I get messages on FB all the time.

So - she's married, she's moved on, she doesn't want contact with you whether God did or didn't send you a sign.

Yes, life goes on. I don't know if "most people" get a chance to be happy once in their life. It's too late to be the man she wanted. She found him, remember? And married him.

I have problems with the whole "love of my life" concept, particularly if you've been feeling this way since 1998.

No, you have no chance of "regaining" her love. It's over - and has been over for a VERY long time.

Insane? No. Obsessed? Yes.

[Bartelby]

I haven't been feeling this way since 98, that was when we got married. But thanks for your thoughts...

[Bartelby]

And on a note, until recently, I haven't looked at a picture of my ex in 3 years because someone tried to say it was an obsession... I haven't looked her up online in 3 years either...

[LadySam]

I believe you really could write a novel. And I mean that positively (I'm not being snide)
If my math is correct then you were about 21 or 22 when you were married.
So you were both young, and the fact is for some reason you grew apart or didn't share the same interest or whatever reason there was behind the break up, it was still a break up.
Not looking at pictures and not contacting her ain't going to cut it, she is still in your head and you can't get past it.
But 5 years later it's unhealthy to still be so obsessed (there's that word again)
I also think you should seek some professional counseling for this before it drives you completely mad.
She is not coming back, she has moved on.
There is no sign from God that she will be coming back, but since you brought him up I'll say this.
Thank him for giving you the opportunity to have loved that deeply and ask him for the strength to help you move on and be a happy, healthy person.

[rhg1084]

Did she meet his guy online or something? How could she find him on the other side of the country?

[Bartelby]

Yes... through a video game we played together...

[LadySam]

So, have you considered the counseling?

[Bartelby]

Honestly, I am a smart guy and have read all the stuff out there... A counselor isn't going to be able to tell me anything I don't already know...
I should have done things differently in the past, I should have told her when he sent me emails about their relationship, or when he tried applying for credit with my name and social security number etc. but I was too busy trying to be the "better man"

[Bartelby]

Right now I am leaning towards sending an email outlining the way I feel, and let the wheel of fortune turn...

But who knows...

[JudyKayTee]

And what would you do if a man sent your wife an email outlining the way he feels?

[LadySam]

Why would you not address the identity theft when it happened, not with your wife but rather with the law.
Personally,and this is just me, but I think at this time after so many years I would have to question my motives for sending the e-mail.

[TruLove001]

Well Sir,I Read your listing... Truly Touching.. I truly understand what you are undergoing.. I feel the same in life.. It has been 10 years being away from the girl I love.. I still cannot forget her.. I not only loved her.. I worshipped her... I looked upon her as everything to me... I could not tolerate a second in life without her.. She was my angel.. I am from India where people are conservative. When in college she would only sit among the girls. I was the only guy she would speak to... The time I used to spend with her (just talking) made me feel I had attained divinity. God is my witness.. Today I am a Doctor threading the path to so called material success, but with an empty soul. Contrary to what people feel is love, I never looked upon her with lusty eyes.. How could I, I in my mind worshipped her as God's angel bestowed upon me. Well, I know that she does not miss me as much as I miss her. I have not seen or heard from her in a decade, but everyday I take her name and pray for her.. everytime I walk the road we used to walk on I feel her presence.. I know I had attained my true love and she is irreplaceable. I loved her.. I still love her.. and I will always love her. I miss her very much.. If truly there is a God.. I pray that at least as I should see her loving face on me, in person, caressing my forehead and placing a kiss on it, as I breathe my last.

[JudyKayTee]

Well Sir,I Read your listing...Truly Touching..I truly understand what you are undergoing..I feel the same in life..It has been 10 years being away from the girl i love..I still cannot forget her..I not only loved her.. I worshipped her... I looked upon her as everything to me...I could not tolerate a second in life without her..She was my angel..I am from India where people are conservative. When in college she would only sit among the girls. I was the only guy she would speak to... The time I used to spend with her (just talking) made me feel I had attained divinity. God is my witness..Today I am a Doctor threading the path to so called material success, but with an empty soul. Contrary to what people feel is love, I never looked upon her with lusty eyes..How could I, i in my mind worshipped her as God's angel bestowed upon me. Well, I know that she does not miss me as much as i miss her. I have not seen or heard from her in a decade, but everyday I take her name and pray for her..everytime i walk the road we used to walk on I feel her presence.. I know i had attained my true love and she is irreplaceable. I loved her..I still love her..and I will always love her. I miss her very much..If truly there is a God..I pray that atleast as I should see her loving face on me, in person, caressing my forehead and placing a kiss on it, as i breathe my last.

This is more of a very poetic, romatic blog entry about love lost than anything else. I don't see either a question or advice here.

If this is the way you feel why haven't you attempted to locate and contact her? What am I missing?

[Nblood]

You could write a novel and get a prize for the most touching one ever. Literally. If it really bugs you, try once more to light that torch again.