Lost in Love - 5 years of pain...
Ok…. So in the search for enlightenment, here it goes….. (Reader's Digest Version)
Just call me Jay, I am 36 and am totally lost….
Back in '98 on an early May morning, I walked by this very unassuming quiet little girl named Rachel. In an instant I was drawn to her. I still have no idea why or how, but in an instant, I was in love. I never believed in love at first sight, but it hit me like nothing I could have ever imagined and suddenly everything in the world made sense. She instantly filled part of me that I never knew was missing. Soon enough, we were married and sailing off on an adventure that made it's way through 3 different states and wound up in Los Angeles. For 10 years, thick and thin, she completed every part of me…. She was my friend.. My other half….. My princess…. My babydoll…. My Pudembear (still don't know what that means, just something that came out one day)… From sitting at Starbucks, to late night movie marathons, to studying for her license to everything (I could write a novel about all of the reasons I loved/love her but I am trying to keep this short)….. For 9 years 7 months and 3 days she was everything to me…. The world could come to an end and it wouldn't have mattered because her hand was in mine….
Then near Christmas of 2006 everything went to hell overnight, some guy on the other side of the country sparked something that I never knew was there, some hidden longing for an excitement that I did not see had gone missing…. And being the typical male, I was angry and hurt, and said things I shouldn't have and reacted in a way that made her feel (what I assume) was dirty, or guilty or another myriad of negative feelings… So for Christmas of 2006 I was told that it was over, and everything in my life instantly felt destroyed, like my soul had been ripped out, and that there was no way that this could be possible….
Over the next 5 months I went on to experience the worst possible reality that anyone could imagine as the love of my life began a new relationship with someone else…. I do blame all of this on myself for the most part, because at the time I was trying to see through the pain, and begged and pleaded, and talked about ending everything etc. and the more I pushed the further she ran but I was too blinded by the pain to recognize it…. It got to the point that the last thing she said to me face to face in February of 2007 was, “I wish you would just kill yourself, and get it over with.”
So in May of 2007, I ceased all communications per a request that came from her through my mother…. I didn't email, text, call, nothing…. I didn't tell her about all the horrible things that were plastered online about me or explain why I had to close out just about every email address I had…. I waited and wanted to give her the time…. In the last 3 years, I didn't look her up on the net, didn't look at a picture, did everything possible to build a new life and wait for her to contact me…
So now it is 5 years later and I have done an amazing job faking being a whole human being and though I have thought of her every day, though I still wake in the morning feeling her touch, hearing her voice, smelling her scent, seeing her eyes, I have continued, perhaps believing that there would be some point where I had suffered enough, punished myself enough, that this could all be fixed again….
Well it has all finally come to head…. Without reason, without logic, without any warning, she once again has become the only thing I can think about…. As such, I prayed to God for guidance to show me what I am supposed to do next, where I am supposed to go…. And within 6 hours someone I have never met, and had no idea who they were, contacted me on FB asking about my ex. I took this as a sign, and on May 24th, I sent a very simple message letting her know that someone was looking to reconnect and asked how she was doing, 12 days later, No Reply….
Now as an addition, I should mention that the message I received did inspire me to look, and she has remarried, settled right back into the life we built etc….
I just don't know what to do at this point…. I know that most people never get the chance to be as happy as I was once in their entire life, and once you lose it you are never the same… Am I just completely insane? Or is there ever a chance to regain the love of your life? Is there anyway to be the man she once wanted to be? I just don't know anymore...
