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pmars · Mar 25, 2012, 05:02 PM

Hi my name is Paige and well I have a boyfriend we have been together for 3 months now and my parents hate him. It all started when he was going to come over Sunday three weeks ago and Saturday day he did not pass his drug test so he ran away knowing since he did not pass it he would be able to come over, so the next morning I got ready and looked really cute it was the first time they were meeting him but then 1 came and he was not at my house so I called his phone and it was off.

I called his home and spent 30 min talking to his mom finding out that he ran away I was so sad and mad at him and he called me saying I'm so sorry I love you and he told me he did drugs that night he had been trying to stop them but he gave in so after we got off the phone my parents asked what happened. I told them and after that they will not let my see him we can only talk on the phone for half and hour I don't have a cell phone and he got his phone taken away.

Its been 4 weeks since we saw each other and I keep telling them that he's doing great and stopped doing drugs but they won't even give me the time of day to listen I have never seen some one try this hard to get my parents to like them and to work this hard for me. I miss him so much its not like he's 18 and an adult he's only 16 turning 17 next week and by the way we are engaged kind of. I have a ring and we promised to stay together forever but my parents really hate him because of the drugs and they found out that we had sex so they are scared for me and I know that and understand why, but he's my soul mate I can feel it so please what should I do? )=

ScottGem · Mar 25, 2012, 05:15 PM

Listen to yourself! You have been with the boy for 3 months. He is a drug addict and in trouble for drug use (since he is being tested). You've had sex with him already. Since he is 16 it is likely you are 15 or less which could make his having sex illegal.

I'm not surprised your parents hate him. And frankly, I don't believe you are old enough or mature enough to be sure someone is your soulmate.

You need to cool it with this boy. If he wants to impress your parents, then he needs to stay drug free for at least a year and needs to leave you alone during that time. Then maybe they will soften their stance and allow you see him.

Alty · Mar 25, 2012, 05:36 PM

It all started when he was going to come over Sunday three weeks agao and Saturday day he did not pass his drug test so he ran away

So he's a drug addict, is required to undergo drug testing, but still can't stay clean?

its not like he's 18 and an adult he's only 16 turning 17 next week and by the way we are engaged kind of I have a ring and we promised to stay together forever

So he's not only a druggie loser, he's a young druggie loser? He's starting the downward spiral very early in his life. Most guys wait until they're actually stressed, have a job, have responsibilities and a lot of stress, before they become addicts. Sounds like a real go getter to me. :(

but my parents really hate him because of the drugs and they found out that we had sex so they are scared for me and I know that and understand why but he's my soul mate I can feel it so plzzzzz what should I do?

Hey's 16. How old are you? Older? Younger? If you're younger, your parents have a very easy option. Charge him. That will keep him away. If you're older, then you can be charged. You're too young to be having sex. There are laws for a reason.

I'm shocked that your parents haven't already called the cops on this kid. I would have.

He's not your soul mate. Trust me, you two won't be together forever. I'd be shocked if you even lasted a year. At your age romance and love come and go, which is why your parents are afraid for you. If you got pregnant with this kids baby, you'd not only be stuck with him as the father of your child forever, but you'd be stuck with him, the drug addict that will likely be a deadbeat dad, for the rest of your life.

Your parents are smart. They're adults. They've been through this. They know that you two won't last. At your age it simply isn't realistic, and trust me, you're not the first teen that's said "I love him, he's my soul mate" and then broke up with him a month later. I've been there. I was there too many times from the age of 13-18. You're not mature enough to know what love really is.

This is infatuation. Worse, it's infatuation with someone that very well could ruin your life.

Your parents have every right to keep you two apart, and they have every reason to be very concerned.

One day you'll realize this, and you'll thank them.

One day you'll also talk to, or have a 16 year old daughter of your own, and then you'll realize how very wise your parents are, and how very naïve and immature you're being now.

talaniman · Mar 27, 2012, 07:56 AM

I would hate a guy who was having sex with my teen age daughter, and was a dope fiend and probably a law breaker. He doesn't dare show his face at your house under those circumstances does he?

Man, I hope you open your eyes and listen to your parents.

pmars · Mar 27, 2012, 07:42 PM

Well thanks for the help and I don't know why but I'm not giving up on him I know he can do good I have talked to his mom and dad for hours and hours and we are trying but its getting really hard not to give up and I'm 16 same age as him and I'm in the marines I know what right and wrong and thanks for giving your thoughts but can you please give me ideas to help us ways to get him motivated because if he does not I'm leaving for the marines

ScottGem · Mar 27, 2012, 07:52 PM

Since when do the Marines accept 16 year olds? You can enlist at 17 with parental permission. Given the circumstances it wouldn't surprise me if your parents gave permission.

As to motivating him, if being healthy and out of jail is not motivation enough, I doubt if there is anything else you can do.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 27, 2012, 07:53 PM

That you for the fantasy. No you are not 16 and in the Marines. You can not join till you are 17 at the youngest If they will take you then, the Marines would almost always require 18.

Also they are not accepting anyone right now that does not have at least a high school degree.

Enlistment Standards

So you may be in some ROTC high school program but you are not in the marines.

Your parents only mistake is to even allow you the contact you have had.

He is a drug user, he has already had legal trouble, he ran away instead of facing the truth and facts. Already having sex, it is obvious he is dragging you down to his level, not you up.

pmars · Mar 27, 2012, 07:54 PM

I don't know what to do I'm not giving up I'm adopted and I know how it feels to be cared for and not loved and how drugs and take over and to be abused emotionally but I he has time to change I use to be on a bad path but I got out of it and joined the marines and I really need help to find ways to help him, me and his parents have tried a lot but I'm open to knew ideas please

Well I'm in ROTC but if a little more and it hard to face the truth and I don't know how to it breaks my heart

And he does think off jail and it scares him and he is try so hard but he tends to fail and I'm trying my best but it does not seem to work

talaniman · Mar 27, 2012, 09:16 PM

You are approaching this the wrong way, as you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped, or isn't willing to help himself. To be frank, you enable his behavior rather than help it by supporting him no matter what.

Now live your life and let him get his own motivation, and maybe losing you is the best motivation for him to do better, by paying the consequences of his own actions. This cannot be a healthy love because he is not healthy himself, and honestly you are feeding into this the more you cling to him.

He needs to make better choices without you. Not just to keep you.

odinn7 · Mar 27, 2012, 09:19 PM

After only 3 months, I am unsure how you, at age 16, can be sure that this bum is your soul mate. I think you are looking too deeply into this and making more out of it than it really is. He's not worth your time and will only drag you down with him.

ScottGem · Mar 28, 2012, 03:18 AM

Ok, so you are in an ROTC program, not actually the Marines. I actually think this is good. In a couple of years when you complete the program and start your tour of duty, I think the Marines will teach you the realities of life.

But the bottom line here you tell this boy that when he has been straight for a year or more, you will then revisit your relationship. In the meantime you need to back off because your parents say so. And I question your statement about "cared for and not loved". Adoption is usually an act of love and your parents reaction to your relationship with this boy says love to me.

pmars · Mar 28, 2012, 07:50 PM

Thanks for the help and he came home today we talked he has 1 month to clean up or I'm done I can do way better and I know it so he has one more shot it may not be smart but its so hard to let go and he did not do drugs while he was gone he passed his yest oddly enough

Well I know how it feels not to be loved my the parents who had you my parents love me and they are great and you I can't wait to join rotc is hard work but its worth I love my rank and I love my other jarheads

ScottGem · Mar 29, 2012, 03:11 AM

Originally Posted by pmars

thanks for the help and he came home today we talked he has 1 month to clean up or im done i can do way better and i know it so he has one more shot it may not be smart but its so hard to let go and he did not do drugs while he was gone he passed his yest oddly enough

One month is not enough time to see if he has cleaned up his act. Six months minimum. Since you are 16, I'd wait until you are 18 since your parents will control your relationships to some extent.

Originally Posted by pmars

well i know how it feels not to be loved my the parents who had you my parents love me and they are great and ya i can't wait to join rotc is hard work but its worth i love my rank and i love my other jarheads

So you think you weren't loved because your bio parents gave you up for adoption? You need to disabuse yourself of that notion right now. In fact, giving a child up for adoption is one of the greatest acts of love there is. It means the parents wanted the best for their child, something they knew they could not provide so committed this selfless act for the good of that child.

pmars · Mar 29, 2012, 06:45 PM

Well my parents did not give me willingly the state took me away and they had 3 years to clean up there act but every time they did have the chance they never took it and my birth mom could have killed me I was born 3 to 4 week before I was supost to be born because of drug abuse I'm loved and I know it

ScottGem · Mar 29, 2012, 06:48 PM

That doesn't mean they didn't love you, but people who are addicted to drugs don't always have control over their actions (remember that with your boyfriend).

AbbyCat · Apr 1, 2012, 10:14 PM

Being 16 is a real challenge in itself, and now you are so positive you can take on this challenge and change your boyfriend. The only person you can change is yourself. Right now all he needs to be thinking about and doing is tryingto change himself. I know how romantic it sounds, to stand beside the "love of your life" and your love will change him. It sounds good, but it doesn't work.
This is the stuff of romance novels. You both need to grow up and mature before you try changing someone else. At 16 you are sure you know all the answers but you don't even have a good grip on the questions. An addict cannot be made to change. He or she has to want to change, be willing to work and sacrifice for that change, and not try to drag you down to his level. You can't do anything for him. All you can do is stand back and let him work on himself. He can't change for you, only for himself. He has to want that change more than he wants anything, even you, in order to accomplish his goal. Above all, do not enable him to continue his addiction. Close your ears to pleas of he can't do it alone. He can't do it without you, because if he can't do it without someone to lean on he will never make it.
If he is not willing to work on himself then kiss him goodbye. Accept no excuses. Go on with your life and if he does make it then see how things work for the two of you.

pmars · Apr 4, 2012, 05:59 PM

Thanks and I know and he stopped drugs 3 months ago its only smoking he is trying to stop now and he is doing good now he's stay home and he knows he needs to clean up his act for himself I'm really shocked by how he is doing and how much he is trying not for just me but for himself and his family and thanks abbyCat that helped and I know I don't know everything I'm far from it I just love him so much and I told him I would not leave his side I learned in the marines never leave a man behind and I'm not but I'm not going to let him give me excuses any more and he knows that so thank you so much

Fr_Chuck · Apr 4, 2012, 06:22 PM

The marines never leave a man behind, but they don't accept anyone that is not 100 percent and kick out many who do not make the cut before they can become one.

So if he is not making the cut, find one who is. Do you want him to be the thing that ruins your career in the Marines by perhaps having drugs on him one day when you are with him and you get charged also ? ( happens every day here in GA)

The marines teach both team work but also personal responsibility, honor and respect. It teaches not to accept behavior that is not becoming a marine.

By the way my birth parents loved me very much, they were just poor parents, I was put in children's home and latter adopted. Being adopted or being taken from parents do not mean they don't love you, it means they were not able to deal with it or had their own problems.

I will agree, after one month clean, talk to him some, but anyone can fake or do one month, 5 and 6 month is what really shows.