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flowergirl21 · Mar 19, 2012, 12:40 PM

HI

My partner of 2 yrs has completely lost Interest In having sex with me.

He says It's not me , at the moment he Is very stressed about his lack of work and money. I try to help him and be supportive , I am In the same situation with my business and know how worrying things are for him.

The trouble Is he Is one of those people who gets stressed whether he Is busy or not and although I never say anything because he gets angry I have noticed he often brings problems on himself I;e buying a really expensive watches when he has a bit of cash , then having to sell It to make ends meet a few months later.

At the moment and probably for the past year we only have sex once every 2 months, he hardly ever sleeps over at my house and I know for definite he's not having an affair, we spend all day , every day together, he Is really possessive over me all of the time . He just goes home to sleep In his own bed because he sleeps better on his own.

I love him and I know he loves me but I feel Increasingly sad and frustrated with the lack of sexual Intimacy, I've tried talking to him but he just says he has a lot of worries and then gets cross and tells me to look for another man. I suspect he may have some Impotency problems at times but he would never go to the doctors.

I hate to feel selfish but I feel dead from the waist down, I have just turned 40 and my dread Is that If I stay with my partner my sex life will be more or less over.

Any advice , please ?

talaniman · Mar 19, 2012, 02:16 PM

What, are you two afraid to talk, and resolve the problems?

Beardedsumo · Mar 19, 2012, 02:36 PM

You might consider asking him out on a date. Nothing expensive, a picnic or flying a kite or even stepping out the back door and blowing soap bubbles for 5 minutes can be a tremendous de-stressing.

Joe_Brown · Mar 19, 2012, 10:12 PM

Sometimes talking isn't the answer. Maybe just pull out the big guns for him. Cook for him while you wear something sexy, send him a provocative picture of you, or simplest of all, just throw yourself on him (not literally). I mean just go for it, put your hand between his legs, let him know how bad you want it through your actions and then show him a really good time. If that doesn't work then there must be something else going on, no guy could resist his girlfriend doing any of these things.

Synnen · Mar 19, 2012, 11:15 PM

Originally Posted by Joe_Brown

If that doesn't work then there must be something else going on, no guy could resist his girlfriend doing any of these things.

Actually, you're dead wrong.

Stress is the biggest libido killer there is. It doesn't matter if he brings it on himself--if he's stressed, he probably really isn't interested in sex, with the OP or with anyone.

To the OP--why can't you talk about it with him? I firmly believe that people that cannot talk about sex shouldn't be having it anyway. Are you intimate in other ways? Talking, cuddling, joking, laughing, having fun together? Is everything okay BUT the sex?

Cat1864 · Mar 20, 2012, 06:03 AM

Are you spending too much time together? Do you take time apart from each other to explore your own interests, hobbies and have fun with your friends?

It sounds like his only form of stress relief is your relationship. That is not healthy for either of you or the relationship. Encourage him to find an outlet for his stress that does not include you.

Have you tried approaching the issue by letting him know you are concerned about him and his health? If he is having erectile issues, it may be caused by stress or a symptom of other health related problems. I would back off on trying for more sex right now and instead focus on getting him to see a doctor.

Do you know if he is on any medications? Is he self-medicating with alcohol or anything else?

flowergirl21 · Mar 22, 2012, 02:36 AM

Thanks everyone for your advice, in answer to the questions, yes we do have fun , cuddles , kisses and he tells me he loves me all the time. Quite often my partner will say something jokingly sexual to me which I do find quite confusing . In public he is very affectionate, although sometimes I think he might be putting a bit of a show on to make all our friends think we are okay.
I have picked my moments with him to talk through things but he is a very proud man and refuses to seek outside help , as I said before , he just tells me if I'm not happy I should find someone else.
Just lately he has taken up golf, which I encourage as it seems to cheer him up , I just don't know what to do, I know sex isn't everything but the fact that we more or less have a sexless relationship is beginning to impact on the relationship as a whole.

Beardedsumo · Mar 22, 2012, 04:27 AM

Is age a factor? The proverbial "mid-life crisis" is often a macho type of overcompensation for a drop in libido.

talaniman · Mar 22, 2012, 05:04 AM

It may be sexless for you now, but if you get down to root causes through communications, that can change. The lack of sex is generally a symptom of a greater problem in other areas of the relationship. So whatever else is going on you do need to put your minds together and solve it.

Many say the rest of their relationship is just great, its just the sex, but I submit to you that the disconnect of the minds is the real thing to be concerned with, and distraction over not having sex is keeping you from seeing something else that you need to.

at the moment he Is very stressed about his lack of work and money. I try to help him and be supportive , I am In the same situation with my business and know how worrying things are for him.

The trouble Is he Is one of those people who gets stressed whether he Is busy or not and although I never say anything because he gets angry I have noticed he often brings problems on himself I;e buying a really expensive watches when he has a bit of cash , then having to sell It to make ends meet a few months later.

Do not dismiss this so off hand, nor other observations you make as you are still learning about your partner, and this is a common phase couple go through after the easy thrills of lust wear off, and the work begins and how you work together will be the defining issue from here forward.

This is how you keep building, and you better pay attention to how he deals with his stress, and whether he is even willing to work with you. I think all couples face this challenge for the first few years, and the question isn't how do we have better sex, or more sex, but how do we deal with the stresses and obstacles in our lives, and the resentments that come with it.

I have no doubt his inability to find work, and contribute financially has this guy mad at the world. I also bet you give him money for his day to day expenses and I know golf is not cheap. Put yourself in his shoes and explore the possibility that he is down on himself, it's a lack of self esteem that's the issue and the solution is a good job and not viagra.

Don't talk about sex, or the lack there of, but comfort, and security, and if indeed he is not receptive of building instead of ignoring then you do have a bigger problem than just in the bedroom. Be aware there are never quick fixes, and a few months in the grand scheme of any relationship is no time at all.

You should also take his word that its him, and not you for now, and don't take his funk personally as you work on your own stresses, in positive ways, or you can never help your partner through this, nor make good decisions for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings.

flowergirl21 · Mar 22, 2012, 04:37 PM

Thanks again everyone, good advice and thoughts and hopefully things will work out eventually !