[peppapig]

Hi There, I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years we have a 2yr old son together, and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. For the last 3 years sex has been nearly non existent and when we do it is always from behind and over in minutes, no intimacy at all. I have spoken to him re this but no change, He is so up and down one minute he seems o.k and the next stressing about something minor and totally over reacting and shouting ,he has shouted at me for putting on the hot tap instead of the cold tap when washing my hands as this is a waste of money,he has lost the plot shouting at me because I put on a white wash and he had wanted to put in his shirt? Has shouted at my daughter for being on the computer when dinner is nearly ready because he said that she would not get off it when dinner was ready, but he hadn't even asked her to get off it as dinner was not yet ready? He shows me very little respect most of the time or talks to me like I am a 3 yr old (bearing in mind I have a senior position to him at work and if he was in my department I would be his boss) he seems to resent me, We work back to back so one of us is always off to look after the kids, when we have a day off together I have to ensure he gets done what he wants to get done i.e. washing the cars/sunnbed/haircut etc otherwise he proper sulks and makes the atmosphere unbearable,when he sulks he makes everyone's life a misery then snaps out of it as quick as you like and expects everyone else to follow suit... It is so draining , we have also discussed this and he says he gets stressed and upset because I show him no affection i.e. hugs or kisses and I have explained I am never in that frame of mind because of his behaviour, which is true as I am always walking on egg shells because of his behaviour and there is no intimacy at all. I have tried to ask what is going on with him as I feel he is trying to pretend he is happy and content with this life but he is not really. It isn't just the intimacy side of things he is quiet efeminate in ways,has mild o.c.d i.e. puts pegs on the curtains to keep the pleats straight,cleaning, spends a lot of time on grooming hair sunbeds,exfoilators etc,makes unnecessary comments about someone being gay,went on a course with a gay colleague, when he called me while he was away I have never heard him so happy he was positively beaming over the phone,bizzarely so like he was on a high, this was over 3 years ago and has always stuck with me.When I asked him is he gay and is that what is stressing him out so much,he looked astonished and just said I am going to stop this conversation right there? I said its nothing to be ashamed of if that is the case and we could work something out, then when I asked again he said he wished he was? He has a very ego based personality and if he is gay I do not think he would come out anyway because of his parents,work colleagues, kids etc because he would be afraid of what they would think, because he cares what everyone thinks.he has said he is really unhappy and lonely, I asked him if he wanted to move out he said he has no where to go and cannot afford it, then in the same conversation says he wants me and wants to make me happy etc.. I just have a gut feeling he is living a lie and I am having to deal with the fallout, however I have seen first hand what a break up does to a child and do not want this heartbreak for my son,but am worried as I am always so so tired and mentally drained I do not know how much more of this roller coaster I can take. I have even offered for us both to stay as we are living in the same house but not be together to give my boyfriend the freedom to see other people,hoping that this might relieve his stress, but he said he doesn't want that either? I really do not know what to do he is a great dad and adores our son and is wonderful with my daughter also but this cannot be a good environment for them however is it more stable with him than without? If it was just me to consider I think I would have already gone. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Also I know the colleague he went away with do you tihnk it is worth asking him his advice? But that would also feel very disloyal? Any help appreciated.. Sorry for rambling on...

[JudyKayTee]

I'm sorry, but this is more of a blog and less than a question. He's your boyfriend. Ask him. This won't be the first or last problem in your relationship. I don't know if this is about whether he's gay, whether he belittles you, whether there are other problems in your relationship - or all of the above. It seems that you are dwelling on something that happened 3 years ago. Why?

I don't find men who take great care with their personal appearance to necessarily be gay. The same with men who clean who like the pleats on the drapes to be even.

Yes, I think asking his colleague if he's gay or happy (I don't know which you plan to ask) it disloyal.

You seem to be making some very good arguments on the side of the relationship not lasting. Are you simply finished with the relationship and looking for a way out?

I have friends whose parents are divorced. The overwhelming majority were happier after the shock of the divorce wore off than they were in the marriage due to the constant, obvious conflict.