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booouuger · Feb 24, 2012, 11:20 AM

He is the type of guy who wants to "make love" not sex.
He is very vanilla, very sweet and cuddly. I am the opposite. Don't get me wrong, vanilla is nice once in a while. But it gets boring real fast!
I've asked him to be more dominating... With bondage, blindfolds, the whole shabang. He's not that into it though. I know it makes him uncomfortable and thus makes me uncomfortable. We've been together for a long time and I'm not ready to just give up. Anybody know how to get a sweetheart's dark, nasty side out in the bedroom?

Synnen · Feb 24, 2012, 12:12 PM

Yes.

You have an honest talk about it, listen to his honest answers, and then DROP IT.

If he's not comfortable with it, you should not pressure him to do it. Period. I mean, how would you feel if he pressured you into something you're not comfortable with?

If he's not into it, you can't change that. You CAN talk to him about other options--seeing a non-sexual dom, for example, if you just need to be dominated, or by moving to a non-monogamous relationship.

I don't really recommend either, though it has worked for some people in the past.

I suggest a long heart-to-heart outside of the bedroom and a compromise---maybe he's willing to do blindfolds, but nothing else, for example. If you're willing to give up on having "the whole shebang" and will take a few pieces occasionally, and he's open to doing those things that he's comfortable with occasionally to make you happy, then you have a win-win situation. But you need to TALK about it, openly and honestly, with no anger or stress clouding the conversation. It needs to be a conversation where you can both share without fear or resentment.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 24, 2012, 12:57 PM

Why would you drop a relationship just because he is not into bondage and other wild sex?

He most likely will not change and honestly not right to try and make him, Perhaps he should try a few things, perhaps some role playing but these were things that are worked out early into the relationship. I guess he has to ask, why can she not just drop it, enjoy what we have and be happy?

Cat1864 · Feb 24, 2012, 03:08 PM

It sounds like the bedroom isn't the only place you are having issues with his personality traits: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-635929.html

I think before you try making him get kinky that you deal with the more general issues such as effectively communicating with each other and finding compromises when there are differences.