[PrnxSSerenity]

My mother is deciding to marry a man who she has only been dating for 10 months. The first couple of months, he cheated on her, lied several times, broke up with her 3 times and basically broke her heart. Each time, she has gotten back with him. After a month and half of getting back with him this last time, she let him move in with her. Everyone in the family dislikes him but is at least respectful when he's present. I have not even met him since I am away for school and the only time I could have met him was when he broke up with her days before christmas. She told everyone that she plans on marrying him, and that they bought rings already. I got very upset of course. We haven't talked about it since recently when she told me she wants to maybe get married in September. I don't know how to handle this. I feel so disrespected that she could even marry a man I haven't even met, let alone someone who has put her through so much pain. I can't see myself attending this wedding. I'd probably cry the entire time. This man has changed my mother! She is insecure, a smoker now, and completely unaware of her actions... What should I do!? HELP!

[talaniman]

You express your displeasure and let her find out the hard way. She is grown, and can do as she pleases.

Sucks big time, I know, but you have no control over a grown adult. Pray she gets tired of this fools ways and wakes up to her stupidity.

[Jake2008]

My best advice to you is to not say anything, particularly anything negative. Try not to engage in any talk behind her back with relatives and family friends.

If your information is coming directly from her, you have reason to worry. I would too. But as Tal said, there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about another adults' decision over who they choose to be involved with. Even if it is your mother.

If, sometime down the road, she decides it isn't going to work out, and is having a hard time dealing with the end of the marriage, and asks for your help, then step in and help her any way you can.

That you describe her as 'a smoker' as opposed to an adult who chooses to smoke, lends a rather negative connotation to your opinion of his influence over her. The same with him influencing her to a point where he changes her into an insecure woman who is completely unaware of her actions. I don't know why she would involve you at all in the situations she chooses to put herself in, particularly when they go bad- she needs to keep her private life, private in my opinion.

Which brings me to my next point. You have to be aware of how this is all influencing you. While you struggle understandably with the decisions your mother is making, and listen and worry during the worst of it with her boyfriends affairs, and all the heartache that follows his choices, you are becoming more of a parent to her in your actions, than a concerned daughter.

And in so doing, you are inappropriately involving yourself with your mother's love life, to a point where your life is negatively affected. If you consider the fact that there is nothing you can do, or say, to make her change her mind, or her own decisions (she's already proven that to you), it might be time to consider some boundaries. You can be supportive, but not so involved. You can listen, but let her know that you don't want to talk about her boyfriend, or his affairs, or what a dirty rotten rat fink he is. Keep your relationship with your mother as its always been, without the added burden of now being her girlfriend, counsellor, and confidant in the matters to do with her love life, and the problems that presents.

And, should it all work out that there is a wedding, try not to think of this as a situation that is disrespectful to you because you haven't met him, or had any say in the decision your mother has made. She does not need your permission, or approval, to do whatever she chooses to do. And you cannot, by making a statement of not going to the wedding, do anything other than to break her heart yourself. Go and be there, make the best of what you think is a bad situation, but keep yourself to yourself.

I know it isn't easy. But, chances are, anything you worry over, try to change, or involve yourself with in any other person's life (including a mother) will fall flat, if that person is determined to do the opposite of what you think is in her best interests.

So, protect yourself, draw some boundaries and give her a clear message that you don't wish to discuss her boyfriend anymore, and keep your relationship with her, healthier and more appropriate. It will do two things. You will establish a safe position from becoming too emotionally involved in a situation you have no business being in, and she will be forced to find in herself, other ways to vent her disappointments, trials and tribulations, and decisions. And when that happens, maybe she will make better decisions.

[nasilele]

I never knew my real father. My mother has had three marriages and the third one, being the present one is on the verge of disaster. She's already filed for divorce papers once and cancelled it. I'm not sure why. I do not understand her, but I think it's very important that you let her know where you stand with the issue, even if she plans to go through with it. Don't be rude about it or use any words that could potentially scare her or cause her to feel like the whole family is lashing out on her decision. You're setting the boundaries just so she knows where you're feelings stand with the whole marriage so whatever happens she will be cautious about you and your opinion and will always remember it. I don't know if its easy for you to have that kind of a talk with your mother depending on your age and relationship with her. I know I have never been able to and by the time I was old enough, we were so far apart none of my siblings and I have ever bothered to care. You don't want that and neither does your mother.

I'm a bit concerned though that you've never met the man and there has been no effort to have you meet him before any serious marital decisions are made. Especially since this man will be a new member to the family's life and not just hers, so the outcome will affect you. Do be cautious around him, till you get to know him. What sort of a man what's to join a family when he is not even acquainted with the main members, such as the woman's child!