[wendytime720]

First of all, thank you for taking the time to read this and possibly give me some insight. I feel as if I may be trying to sabbotage my relationship to avoid being hurt again. I was married for 13 years, but the marriage ended when I walked in on his infidelity. I was in shock for quite a while. I began dating a co-worker that I had been friends with for almost a year. He had just gotten out of a short term relationship. He is also divorced. The problem is that it seems the longer we are together, the more jealous I become. He and the lady that he was dating just before we got together ended the relationship with the "lets be friends" senario. The issue I have is that I don't understand why they still contact one another. I mean, I understand that he and his ex-wife communicate do to they have a daughter. I find that I have become obsessive about reading the phone bill, seeing who he has talked to... I have been very forthcoming with him about wanting to change, but it only seems that I get more obsessive. He has never given me any reason to doubt that he is sincere about us, and yet I don't think he truly understands how much it bothers me that he still has any contact with the old girlfriend. I should say, it isn't often that they talk and he has always given me access to his phone and to the bill. I know he wants me to trust him and he says that it takes time to get over what my ex did. I don't like what I feel I am becoming, though. I have tried several times to end this relationship due to my fear of going over the edge. He sticks with me and tells me how much he loves me and to just give it time. The rational part of me knows he is right, but the monster in me keeps trying to find him guilty of something. It's like there are two of me and there is a fight for control. I also just found out that my ex (divorce just final in November) is already getting remarried. I have NO feelings left romantically for him, but yet I fell it is so unfair that he gets to move on and I am left picking up the shattered pieces of my life. I want to be happy for him, but I really just hate him. I want so badly to get over it. I want to move on and be secure in my new relationship. Please help me find some happy ground. Sorry for the rambling... :confused:

[Allheart]

First, don't be sorry for rambling. I do it all the time.

Your heart, your trust in people took a huge wamie when your ex betrayed you. You are allowing that act to continue to hurt you and your current relationship. Which I know you aren't even aware that you are doing or you are but not sure how to stop it. What has been done to you, is so unfair and awful. I am so happy to hear that you now have a GREAT guy. It sure sounds like it. FORGET COMPLETELY about the ex. He has taken enough of your time. Leave him in the past where he belongs.

I know you want to trust your current boyfriend and I also know that it must kill you inside to rummage through phone bills. Your boyfriend is right on the money, what your ex did to you has altered your ability to trust freely again. Yes, time will help, however, because of the severity of the betrayal, I think your healing would come more quickly if you sought some counselling. Don't you dare feel bad about seeking counselling, your current relationship and your own peace of mind and heart deserve to be free from what has happened to you in the past.

As I said, it sounds like you have a great guy. A bit of counselling to fine tune the ability to trust again, and I think you have many happy days again.

I have told friends in the past, never let your current boyfriend pay for the sins of those in the past.

I wish you all the best and I really think you have happy days ahead. Give yourself the chance to have them.

My very best to you.

[wendytime720]

Thank you so much for that. I have thought about counseling, as well. I think it also helps to hear someone say it's OK to ask for that type of help. Everyone was so supportive of me, especially just after the "incident", and I thought that I had handled it all so well... I truly tried so hard to take the high road. Salvage what little dignity I felt I had left. Little did I know that I was truly just so shell-shocked. I hate to compare it to post traumatic stress, but that is what I am feeling now. Anyway, I appreciate you suggesting the counseling. The fact that the "other woman" was my boss at the time has made for interesting gossip for everyone. She and my ex did not end up together, but I did end up transferring to another department. I do believe my employer will help with counseling and I think I am ready to take that step and ask for the help. I want so desperately to NOT let this define what I will become. I want to take and make it a lesson learned and go on with my life.

One question, is it wrong of me to want my current b/f to stop talking to the ex? Mutual friends have told me that she is a sweet person but also a sort of loner type. I am so insecure about them having contact with one another. I want to either tell him to just never speak to her again or contact her and tell her to please just not try to contact him. I should say, when we first started dating she had sent him a text about how her brother told her she should give him a second chance, etc. He was forthcoming about it, and told me that he didn't want to be with someone who had to be "convinced" to try again. I know that this makes him a great guy and I want so desperately to let go of this. I have no reason to believe he is cheating or wanting any more with her than a friendship... However, I can't seem to stop over analyzing the "WHAT IF'S"... Just last night he came in from work and he told me that she had tried to call him for the first time in say a month or more. He told me that he didn't call her back because he knew it would hurt me. I told him that I hated that I felt the way I did and that maybe he should be friends with her. Today, however, I can't stop thinking how stupid that was. It goes back to the rational/irrational parts of me that obsess over every minute detail. Advice??

[Allheart]

Wendy,

You have to know that everything you are feeling is so normal and understandable. By the way, the seeking counselling shows a sign of strength and to undo the things that were done to you. I guess it would be the same if someone cut your arm, and you needed stitches. You wouldn't hesitate to seek a medical assistance nor would it be your fault that your arm was cut. So in the same respect, you were cut and are just seeking assistance to make sure that wound is good and healed.

As far as the ex girlfriend in contact with your boyfriend. I really don't think anyone would be very comfortable with that, with the exception if there were children. In this case there is not. Compounding the difficulty of what you just experienced, its any wonder your insides feel like an amusement park. I think the counselling will make you feel so much better inside and make you stronger as well, and will help you to answer this question.

The best thing to do, would be to communicate the fact to your ex how it makes you feel with him being in contact with her and then leave the rest up to him. It sounds as though you have done this, but then felt bad and withdrew how you really felt. Get some quiet time to yourself, take a nice walk (weather permitting, of course :) and think it through. How does it actually make you feel with your boyfriend being in contact with his ex. Be sure you know how your feel, then share it with your boyfriend, and no backsliding. Stick with what you have told him.

Personally, I would not be pleased with the contact as an ex is an ex for a reason and should be left in the past.

Wendy, right now, the most important aspect of all of this is YOU. Getting that wound healed up. #1 thing on your to do list is getting that counselling. Once that wound heals up and you feel stronger about the person you are, the answers to life's "sticky" questions will come so much easier for you.

I'm routing for you Wendy :)

[wendytime720]

You are so right. I do need to work on me first! Thank you so much. I will certainly try to communicate fairly but without backsliding.

Wendy

[valinors_sorrow]

Wendy, you actually have a great deal of this figured out already but I'll bet you have no idea how close you are to relief. Please please do yourself a big favor, actually two.

First, pursue that counseling asap. You are right on the money about the traumatic stress thing and professional help can make a HUGE difference (it did me so I know). You have suffered on your own too long, time for some real relief!

Secondly ask your current boyfriend to temporarily suspend having any contact with his ex girlfriend (but not the ex wife, of course). Its not a lot to ask, its only temporary and it's a good faith gesture that frankly you could really use right now. Then, after you have had some help, revisit this topic with him. You might feel very differently about it and he may feel really differently about it too.

The reason I suggest this is I have PTSD and there are things that act as "triggers" which make us revisit the hell. Its very hard to get any healing done when the scab forming over it gets ripped off again and again. Like it or not, making sense or not -- his unnecessary contact with the ex girlfriend does that to you and I can see how it would.

I hope this helps. If you have any questions about anything I wrote, feel free to ask. And good for you for questioning if that "green eyed monster" really belongs to you or not. I don't think it does and with a little help you'll be returning it to its rightful owner very soon!

[Allheart]

Darn it Val - Had to spread it.

Wendy, there you go. Val's answer really brings a great deal of clarity. I just love when Val said relief is closer than you think.

Val has a firm plan for you and it's a great one!

Wishing you the very best.

(Great post there Val)

[wendytime720]

You guys are awesome. I can honestly say that you have already helped me find a great deal of clarity. We had a wonderful evening together last night without me feeling as if we had to "talk about it till we solved it"... LOL. I realize now that it is going to take time, but it is going to work out. I just needed to have that bit of reassurance from people who understood my feelings and who also were objective regarding the situation. You don't know how much it means to me. I also hope that, if there is anyone out there who is in a similar situation as I am, don't wait to get help. I'm not in any way going to suggest that I am magically better today, but it's a step in the right direction. Venting and getting feedback REALLY helps. I didn't realize how much. Again, Allheart and Val, you two can't begin to know how much it means that you gave me insight. I agree, Val, that I was on the right track, but I think I was just headed in the wrong direction! Thank you so very much. I think I will read through some posts and see if I can help anyone in a similar situation as I. THANKS THANK YOU I can't say it enough.

[Allheart]

Wendy,

You need to thank yourself as well. You were open to advice and embraced it like a charm.

Oh here's a huge HUG! And welcome to AMHD :)

[valinors_sorrow]

You... are welcome Wendy.
And I am doubley glad to hear you'll stick around and help too! Yeaaaaaah!