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gracie2010 · May 19, 2011, 07:11 PM

Thank you Jake... I have gathered as much pertinent information as possible, have been doing that for a while. There have been some good times in our marriage but that still doesn't make up for all the heartache. I just want to feel safe and secure and I don't because he doesn't consider my needs, he does not know how to be empathetic, I think if he did he would think of other people and not just about himself. The really bad verbal and emotional abuse that I used to endure is not as bad now but it seems to come out in other ways. He has replaced open verbal, emotional and aggressive behaviour with passive aggressive acts that are just as damaging to the psyche.

I know in my heart what I need to do, why am I having such a hard time making a decision even though I know it is in my best interests. He keeps me hanging on by being attentive and respectful, then all of a sudden something will set him off and he's like jekkyl and hyde. I used to be a very confident, happy girl before I was married, but I feel so broken that I can't even make a decision that will change my life for the better. Myself esteem is down the drain. It helps to interact here as I don't keep second guessing myself all the time. Thank you for that.

Cat1864 · May 20, 2011, 05:47 AM

Gracie, please look into support groups for abused women as well as continuing counseling.

He isn't the only one with rights in the relationship. You have them too.

You need to know everything you can, as up-to-date as you can get. Get proof of all accounts that you can. If that takes getting a lawyer involved, do it. Put the 'proof' in a safe deposit box.

What has your husband done that gives you hope for a better future? If you stand up for yourself and say, 'I have had enough', what are you afraid will happen? I am scared that he is setting you up for a huge fall as soon as he thinks he can get away with it.

Ask your husband what he thinks is going to happen if he gets seriously ill or if while he is out of communications one of your son's gets injured or something else devastating happens. It isn't about who has 'control', but being partners and working together. It is about thinking ahead and preparing for issues that might arise. He is a husband and a father not just another person living in the house.

If he thinks your car is so safe, have him drive it for a week.

Do you have any hobbies or interests? AMHD (AskMeHelpDesk) has boards on just about every subject if you feel comfortable joining us in other areas. If you are comfortable here, we welcome your input.

Jake2008 · May 20, 2011, 06:43 AM

There are always options.

If you want change, you are going to have to demand it, as a condition of staying. He hasn't had a good track record of keeping up with counselling, so the obvious has to be considered- that he won't go.

You could consider a temporary separation. If you have family, or a close friend that you can rely on for a short period, some distance might help you get a clearer vision of what to do.

You could make the separation legal, by seeing your own lawyer, and making arrangements to begin to live on your own, and what all of that will entail.

You could write out a list of 'demands' and require him to sit down and talk about them, one by one. The top of the list should be counselling- with a commitment of at least six visits, and a genuine try at resolving and repairing the marriage.

You could be more assertive. Go and buy a car, and then take a vacation to a nice place that offers peace, quiet, warm sandy beaches and distance. Even for a week. Tell him that the car is yours, and you are old enough, responsible enough, and financially flush enough to have something you like, and something that is safe to drive. AND you deserve a holiday too.

Start being more dependent on yourself, and less on him.

Seek out courses that interest you at your local college. Photography, yoga, painting, etc. It is a short investment of time, but with huge payoffs.

If you think that the mental abuse is something you need help with, to help you clear up some of the reasons perhaps why you stay, and what it has to do with being 'stalled' at this stage of your life, by all means seek counselling for yourself.

If, after you have tried your best to pave the way for him to do what needs to be done in order to save your marriage, and he chooses not to, you will at least have a running start with a bit more confidence, and knowledge about yourself, that will allow you to end it.

gracie2010 · May 20, 2011, 11:36 AM

,Hi Cat and Jake, Thanks again for your understanding and advice... I ask myself that all the time. What is my future going to be like> The thought absolutely terrifies me. I think he's got me under his thumb now, what's it going to like when he's retired and making less money, he will have an even tighter rein on me. It's not all about the financial control, it's his lack of respect for me and the fact he dismisses that I have opinions about things too even if he doesn't agree with them. I can honestly say about a month ago, he was acting like the best husband he ever has in 26 years. He was respectful, interested in what I had to say, very compliant to something I wanted to do but he didn't agree with. For the first time in 26 years he thanked me for shopping for his mom's birthday. He was in what I call win back mode and I fell for it.

Because I had distanced myself from him, he was trying everything in his power to show me that he could change. For the first time in a long time I actually had hope for our future. So I started to warm up to him and to see how long it woild last. As soon as he got things back to his comfort level, thinhs went right back to the old ways. I mentioned this and he says he wasn't like that. So, again it's all denial on his part and not taking responsibility for his actions.

I use his car sometimes as it has heat, and wanted to visit a friend after work, so I said could he take my van. He wasn't happy about it but agreed. I asked how he liked driving a vehicle with no heat etc. He said really nicely( this was in his win back mode time) you can get a new vehicle if you want. I guess it took him to see for himself what it was like to drive an uncomfortable vehicle. So I saidi OK thanks that will be great. I had started to look around and did some comparisons, as he said I could only get one that was good on gas. Fast forward a month and after many times of asking... he said well there's no rush and besides you really don't need one right now. I guess win back mode is over

gracie2010 · May 22, 2011, 07:53 PM

Jake I honestly wish I could go out and buy a car but I don't have access to the accounts that hold any significant amount of money or believe me I would. The metal abuse is something I could use some help with(Why do I stay and accept less than repectful treatment )

I've been wanting to sign up for some night courses but I don't always have a vehicle available to me as my son shares mine too.

Right now I work for myself but if I could get a steady job with a steady income I think I would have more confidence to make some decisions for myself. Thanks again

Cat1864 · May 23, 2011, 03:37 AM

Have you thought about on-line classes?

Who controls his money if something happens to him?

JudyKayTee · May 23, 2011, 06:29 AM

If you want to venture "there" you could remind him that if you divorce you will use your settlement money to buy a car, put in central air... and do anything else that sounds like a good idea to you.

gracie2010 · May 23, 2011, 11:28 AM

I could do online courses, that would be possible. I have an idea where some of the money is but not all of it. He sold his boat yesterday so I said, good that will enable me to get my car now. He said it`s not a good idea till the kids go back to college as they`ll have to pay more insurance.Always an excuse. Ive been in bed for the past few days with the flu so I;m feeling a bit sorry for myself, too much time ti think I guess. Thank you ladies for keeping in touch.:)

Cat1864 · May 23, 2011, 12:01 PM

He sold his boat? Let me guess the money from that sell is 'hidden'. Didn't he just get his diving certificate? Interesting timing.

Getting rid of a safety hazard and getting a reliable vehicle should out-weigh the insurance issue and could result in cheaper premiums. So his argument doesn't hold water.

Do you help with your taxes or even read over them before signing or have you been trusting him?

I think you have a fair idea by now that we are here to give you what advice we can, but only you can be proactive in protecting yourself. I think your husband is protecting himself and only himself.

I hope you are feeling better and back on your feet very soon. :)

gracie2010 · May 23, 2011, 12:03 PM

JudyKayTee... You`d think that he would see that if I wasn`t happy that I might decide to leave the marriage. Believe me I don`t ask for a lot, never have so keeping me happy wouldn`t require much. He thinks I don`t have the confidence to leave the marriage that`s why he says and does what he does because there will be no consequences.Thank you for the get well wishes and yes your advice is very valuable but unfortunately I`m the only one that can act on it. Thanks again.. it helps to let things out

JudyKayTee · May 23, 2011, 12:04 PM

Originally Posted by gracie2010

JudyKayTee...You`d think that he would see that if i wasn`t happy that i might decide to leave the marriage. believe me i don`t ask for a lot, never have so keeping me happy wouldn`t require much. he thinks i don`t have the confidence to leave the marriage that`s why he says and does what he does because there will be no consequences.

Is he correct?

gracie2010 · May 23, 2011, 12:37 PM

I've cried wolf a few times in the past and he sweetalks me back. I feel so disrespected and taken for granted this time that I thimk walking away and staying away is the only thing to do to keep me sane. Maybe he might take me seriouisly then but it might be too late

gracie2010 · May 24, 2011, 07:32 AM

From all the advice I have received all of it has been very insightful and constructive. Why then is it si hard to make a decision. It's not my kids that are stopping me, thet'll be fine either way. Financially I'll probably be better off, especially when I get a steady job. I almost feel brainwashed into staying as I have no confidence to leave and wonder in the long run if that's the right solution to all this

I know I have given away my power over the last 25 years. I look at myself sometimes and I don't know who I am anymore.I've lived my life keeping others happy which has ultimitely left me quite sad and unfulfilled.It has all been worth to have stayed home and raised my boys ,don't get me wrong, that's one thing that has given me some satisfaction

JudyKayTee · May 24, 2011, 07:56 AM

This is why it's difficult for you to leave. After 25 years the life you have is familiar to you. It's a big, scary world out there, a world which is not familiar to you.

Maybe leaving isn't the best way to go. Maybe counselling, maybe just talking to him (which hasn't worked before but I don't think you can ever give up as long as you're willing to put in the effort).

You have spent your adult life juggling a difficult husband and raising your children. It's no wonder that now you feel empty.

Is there something you can do in your town to get some self satisfaction and an identity, perhaps volunteering?

gracie2010 · May 24, 2011, 08:35 AM

My husband does not see the wrong in any of this. As long as his future is secure and mapped out he's not worried about the way I feel. I'm just supposed to go along with his plans and be happy.I have always wanted to do some volunteer work at the women's shelter or the animal shelter, but he works at night so I have no vehicle and I share mine with my son so he's not always home from work in time. I'm sure that's why my husband hasn't rushed to get me another vehicle because then I'd be off doing something without him that he wouldn't like, so it keeps me at home where he know where I am

JudyKayTee · May 24, 2011, 08:50 AM

It sounds like you know him well.

gracie2010 · May 24, 2011, 05:58 PM

Iknow I cannot change anybody but myself, but I do have to wonder if my husband has some kind of personality disorder. One minute he is fine and the next he turns real nasty with hardly any provokation. He then downplays the behavior as a joke to diffuse the situation. When were are out you never know what's going to set him off.Sometimes it's embarrassing.I know for a fact that my husband has trouble feeling empathy with me the kids or anybody which is such a shame.

JudyKayTee · May 25, 2011, 06:04 AM

Maybe he does. You know his background. Do you think that's the problem?

As you say, he's the only person who can change his behavior.

The question is how do you "get" happy - ?

talaniman · May 25, 2011, 11:01 AM

Just an observation. For whatever reason, you are too submissive. Almost a perfect wife for a deserving male.

Sorry, your husband doesn't deserve you. He is a selfish control freak, and if you want I will send my wife to straighten him out. Whether he likes it or not, now that would be another story, because I... I mean... HE... would be sleeping on the porch, while you went shopping, in your new car and come back to a nice cool house. She would start with getting ALL the facts about finances out in the open, and then get a better deal with how they are distributed.

Part of the problem is he has NO FEAR of losing you, his home, his family, or his lifestyle. Now get to a lawyer and have your rights read to you and take the contract for more services back to your husband. Let him know that he will pay for that too, with his money.

Until YOU get serious, and stop allowing bad behavior, you will keep getting more of it.

gracie2010 · May 25, 2011, 11:47 AM

I guess mine is a do as you've always done you'll get what you always got stuation.If I explain to him that the van really isn't safe to drive(now there is a huge crack across the windshield on the drivers side now ) he'll retaliate with "who says it's not safe, you'' because you don't know a heck of a lot about cars. It seems every time I bring something up he has an answer for everything. It s like banging you head against a brick wall constantly, he always has to be right.