[rsfnm]

I feel kind of stupid for asking on Yahoo answers, but I really have no idea what to do or who to talk to.

My parents haven't been getting along that well for the past many years, and about 6 months ago they officially decided to split. They're still living in the same house, but have different bedrooms on different floors, and split time with me and my sister (I just turned 18 and am in grade 12, and she's almost 16 and in grade 10). All in all, things have been going pretty well, and there is virtually no fighting or yelling or anything between them anymore, and my mum just bought a house, and gets possession of it in the middle of May.

The cause of the divorce was not cheating or abuse or anything really awful like that. Rather, it was caused by a combination of them growing in totally different directions, with me and my sister as their only shared interest, and they dislike each others other interests. My dad also has a tendency to be disconnected with reality, for lack of a better term. He sees what he wants to see, and ignores anything else that doesn't support it. He's also really socially inept, and I suspect he might have some early Alzheimer's, but he refuses to listen as per my previous statement. He's had some on/off issues with alcoholism in the past, but he's not an abusive drunk, just dumb.

I've been dealing with things pretty well, as I've never been close to my dad, am 18 and not that reliant on my parents anymore. If anything, I'm happy my parents are splitting, since that has mostly put an end to their verbal fighting, and they definitely should go their separate ways. My sister, however, has not been dealing with things well.

My sister has had some issues in the past. She has always felt an intrinsic need to make people happy with her, has had several creepy stalkers because she's too nice to say no, and has in the past (not this year) had very few friends, and not been crazy close to anyone. This being her first year in grade 10, it's also the first year she's had a best friend and a close group of friends with our high school theatre program. She also in the past has shown to be really obsessive, and quite often will get a couple of ideas in her head that she obsesses over. She's a bit of a perfectionist, and does quite well in school (high 80s-low 90s).

She gets along very well with our mum, but doesn't feel like she can really talk with her. She really doesn't get along with my dad, but feels she has to keep up the façade of acting like everything is just peachy. In talking to me in the past, she has told me she hates herself for hating one of her parents. The situation has stressed her out like crazy, and combined with the typical stress of school she has had several of late night panic attacks, plus I'm sure tons I'm not aware of. She used to always spill her guts out to me, and tell me everything about how ****ty she feels, and I always used to listen, but then as things kind of kept on spiralling out of control and getting worse, there were a couple of times that I told here to chill out and think about what she was saying and how ridiculous and illogical it was, hoping to help her realize how ridiculous what she was thinking was and how much she was overreacting to nothing. I thought she was getting better, but in talking to a mutual friend (who is her best friend), I found out this is not the case, and she has gotten worse. She's just hiding things from me now too.

Every one or two nights, she (quietly, when everyone else is asleep) calls or goes on huge text message sprees with her friend, breaking down and freaking out. This friend tells me that the freak outs are usually stress related to my dad, how much he stresses her out with trying to force his way into her life, and how she has to keep pretending everything is okay. My friend also said that she "hate herself more than her dad", and told me about a giant self-hate spree note she saw on my sister's phone. I am about 95% sure that she is cutting her wrists. It has been probably about 3 weeks since she has worn something that isn't a long sleeved shirt. Even for pyjamas, she wears a long sleeved shirt and shorts. According to what she told my friend, she has cut her wrists in the past, first for a short stint in grade 6 when she felt she had no friends whatsoever, and again for a short time in junior high. I also think she's been having major troubles sleeping, and seems to eat a bit sporadically even when I'm home.

This obviously isn't good. I'm afraid for her, and worry that with the state of mind she's in with the stress and depression-like behaviour and all the freak outs she's only going to get worse. Even if she stays the same it's not good. I feel helpless here and don't know what I can do to help her, especially since she seems to not want to talk to me anymore, and fakes it in front of me. I really want her to get better, but I don't know what to do. How can I help her?

[JudyKayTee]

What do your parents - individually or jointly - say about your sister's behavior? I appreciate you are keeping her secrets for her BUT if she is endangering herself or others you have to speak to someone. Perhaps a clergyperson can help you, your parents, another relative.

It sounds like some of this behavior has continued for some time and nothing (and no one) has been able to change it.

She needs professional intervention.

[Fr_Chuck]

Often "keeping a secret" is not the right or caring or loving thing to do. Often we have to do the right thing to get a person the help they need

[ramona_]

First off I'd like to start by saying; you are a wonderful person and any girl should be grateful for having a big sister like you. Talking to your parents could cause arguments and make your sister a lot more stressed. It could also start the "blame game" as to whose "fault" it was.

Your sister needs help, whether she knows it or not. I suggest that you and her have a night where you go out for a meal and watch movies in your pj's etc and then at the end, get talking to each other again like you used to then perhaps bring up your concerns in conversation. Make sure she knows that you are listening, you are not judgemental and that you will not freak out. You have to let your little sister know that you're there for her and you will help her through this.

Before a self-harmer can receive treatment they must be willing to accept it, they can not be forced into doing something they don't feel comfortable with. She may have underlying anxiety issues and depression so she needs to seek medical attention for that; whether it's medication, therapy or a mixture of the two. If your sister wants help then she will ask for it but I think this is a case that you have to get her to open up to you and you have to be there to support her and your parents have to be her safety net, together or not, she is still their daughter and still need to support her and help her through whatever troubles she may be having. If I were you, I wouldn't tell my parents myself, I would wait until your sister is ready to tell your mum, your dad or both of them as long as you check on her and make sure she is okay, keep her distracted and as happy as you can.

I hope your sister gets better, you are a wonderful sister.

[JudyKayTee]

Often "keeping a secret" is not the right or caring or loving thing to do. Often we have to do the right thing to get a person the help they need

This person needs help - I agree. Keeping the secret helps no one, particularly if the sister becomes more aggressive.

Sometimes loving someone involves doing what you would rather not do - and that includes telling someone about behavior.