[Cicci]

Hey :)
I was an foreign exchange student in the US last year, and I had the best family anyone could ask for. Sure, they weren't perfect, but who is?
It was my host mom, my host dad and my host sister, who is now 13. She has ADD and is also adopted. My host parents are still in contact with the biological mother, and she usually calls on my host sister's birthday, but she never wants to speak to her.
She sent my sister a video tape this spring, where she basically went around to her neighbors, her job, her house, and showed her life... It was very depressing. My host parents debated for a long time if they should show it to my sister or not, and it took them a few months before they did. See, the only picture my sister has of her biological mother is a senior picture, where she was young and very beautiful. Now... She's a wreck. :/

When I was living with them, my host mom and sister thought a lot. See, my host mom has a really bad temper, and she can't really control herself. She cools down quickly, but gets mad at the silliest things, and doesn't really have any patience. And with a child with ADD, patience is needed. They put my sister in counseling, but I know she didn't like the counselor, and I (me, personally, and of course, I don't know everything. I'm only 18, and I don't really have any experience, so really, I shouldn't say anything... But well, we all have our opinions, don't we?) personally thought maybe my host mom should too, since a large part of the problem, I thought, was her temper and impatience.

To shorten things down (sorry if this is long.), I was very close to them all, and even as I'm home, I think of my host sister as my real baby sister and I refer to her as that.

A couple of weeks ago, I got a phone call from my host mom, and she told me that they were probably putting my sister on medication against depression. She's been having trouble with school, and they've changed her ADD meds around, and well. She's been thinking about the adoption and why her biological mother never wants to talk to her, and she's been screaming at her parents that she hates them, and all that... I knew all this, but depression?
Needless to say, I was devastated to hear it. She's so little, and she shouldn't be depressed.

The problem is, I'm on the other side of the atlantic. I call as often as I can afford, but it's hard to get time and will to discuss these things, and I just wish I could help her. My host mom even told me my sister had been thinking (briefly) about suicide sometime in August. Which made me feel bad, because maybe if I'd still been there, it wouldn't be as bad.
Now, I'm a sensible person. I know it's not my fault, and maybe I should even put my nose too much in their business, but they really are my second family. I love them. And my sister means SO much too me.
Has anyone got any advice, for things I can do, apart for showing how much I care, and talk to my host sister as often as I can?

[Spartan112]

I really don't have any experience with that, I just want to say that I feel bad for your situation.

If you want to be able to call her more, Go on the internet and buy a IP-Phone, you can call across the world for a lot cheaper the regular phonelines.

:)

[Choux]

You are not a professional mental health care expert!
This whole situation is over you head and too serious for you to get involved in. The mother shouldn't be sharing these problems with you; it is the parent's business. I think they have involved you in deep problems, very regrettable.

[Wondergirl]

Stay in regular and frequent contact with your host sister -- by mail (cards, silly notes, letters, photos) and maybe consider Skype (I'm not sure of the current charges, but the cost is less expensive than long distance phone calls.) and the connection is surprisingly good.

Does your "sis" respond to you, by mail or when you call her?

Depression is considered anger turned inward. If the girl is acting out and screaming, that doesn't sound like depression to me either.

It must be terribly frustrating to be so far away and not there in person for your sis. If I think of more ideas, I will post them.

[Cicci]

Thank you, all of you, for your advice.
Choux, many of the things I've written are my own reflections. While you're right, I'm not a professional, but I lived with these people for a year. I want them to share things that happen in the family with me.
I do, however, see your point. Maybe they were wrong to get me this deeply involved. I'm quite a good listener, and my host mom needed to vent sometime ;). I can't change how things are now, though. I know what I know, and if it'd been my 'real' brother that had been depressed, I'd been upset and wanted to know everything I could to be able to help him.

Thank you, once again.

[peggyhill]

You sound like a really nice person and it's great that you have kept up the relationship with your host family! I think she should give counseling another shot. Encourage her mom to 'shop around' and find a counselor that your host sister feels comfortable with. It's good that they are getting a doctor involved. If she was thinking of suicide, then it's a very serious thing, so I'm glad to hear that she is getting medical attention.

I wonder if the video from her birth mom was what triggered this. It sounds as if she does have some unresolved issues and that's why I recommend seeing a counselor. I didn't live with my birth parents growing up, and I know its hard to know that your mom is out there and you're not a part of her life. It's too bad that her adopted mom is so short with her, but at least she is getting help from an outside source for her daughter.

Does your host sister have email? If not, see if she can go to a friend's house or something to email you. When you talk to her, just tell her that you love her, care about her, and that you will always be there for her to talk to. Encourage her to talk to someone if she feels suicidal. If she doesn't want to talk to her mom, then encourage her to talk to a teacher, school counselor, or school nurse. If she tells you she is suicidal, I would tell her mom, even if she asks you not to. That is a really serious thing.

But, just be there for her and let her know you care. That is the best thing you can do for someone who is really sad. Hope this helps and I hope she feels better soon.