[n2life83]

Hello all, I'm in what seems like a relationship rut. And I care about my babe (the boyfriend) very much (not sure if it's romantic love, though). Would hate to hurt him. But for all of you, my questions are these as if you were in his place... 1) What if I told him I'd like to meet other people 2) What if I asked to break it off and be friends. 3) What if I broke it off (without friendship). 4)What if I decided to meet other people without telling him (tho, I hate keeping secrets). 4) What if he found out. 5) What if I asked him to be more serious. Yup, so those are my questions. If you're interested, here's some more back-story details... and if you have any other suggestions or revelations to give me, please tell me! :)

I'm 27, never married, no children, and looking at having serious romantic relationships now that I am in a steady place with my career. The guy I've been spending time with is 44, divorced, and a single father of one well-mannered and bright teen daughter (who he is totally committed to). We've been exclusively dating (as far as I know) for about 9 months now. To me it's been great spending time with him and I know he's enjoyed my company as well. We've reached a level of comfort in many areas except for one... I don't know where we stand. As far as I can tell, he's indifferent about what happens... whether it is to be with me or not. So, although I don't dwell much on it and don't bring it up, he hasn't spoken about the future, about seriousness with me, even though he does comment about commitment in a marriage in general.

Early in the relationship I had doubts that he is the one for me for reasons that he and I cannot help (difference in age, lifestyle, culture) and will admit that I expressed that directly and indirectly. So I wouldn't be surprised if he has his reservations about being serious with me because of my expressed doubts. However, now I've grown close to him... and would like to move forward. I find myself open to meeting new men... and have thought about ending my exclusivity with him. However, with such a good man it's hard to make the break. I find our meetings very predictable (due to his scheduled custody of his daughter). I do know that once I commit, I COMMIT. I just don't know how or if to make that step. I find my indecisiveness annoying.

[mystific]

Perhaps it's time to step back from the relationship. I know myself with my ex I was walking into a divorced arena with 3 kids and 25 at the time it was very difficult for me initially.

Depending on where he is at personally and how his divorce was will really weigh the scales on how soon he's willing to commit to a new relationship. I'd be happy to go out on a limb and say he's quite content with the way things are at the moment given he is committed to his daughter. And she will come first.

If you had doubts early on, even though we go with the flow, on the off chance something may happen, I'd say it'd be best to go with gut instinct. Talk with him. Be honest. Tell him how you feel. Gauge his response and feedback. You maybe pleasantly surprised, he may want a more committed relationship. Flip side if he's not ready.. then you'll know exactly where you stand and where to go to from there.

Don't be deceitful just to see what its like to meet other people. Be up front and honest. At least then either path that is chosen can be done so with a clear head and conscious.

[talaniman]

1) What if I told him I'd like to meet other people?
That would be the honest truth, and sure it shakes the comfort zone a bit, and just me I would have questions, but would still have to accept that was the way you feel. Just me though.

2) What if I asked to break it off and be friends?
Then we would break it off and see about the friends thing at a later time.

3) What if I broke it off (without friendship)?
I think that I could survive and would keep the good memories, and move beyond the rest and get out of my comfort zone and on with the life I was enjoying before you came along.

4)What if I decided to meet other people without telling him (tho, I hate keeping secrets)?
Then you would be out of my life, depending on the way you handle yourself. Dishonesty is a deal breaker, as is disloyalty.

4) What if he found out?
See ya! hate to be ya! Don't let the door hit you in the a$$, but thats just my opinion.

5) What if I asked him to be more serious?
Certainly its something we can talk about, and see what you meant by serious. Thats a good conversation to have, but after only 9 months of dating, and getting to know each other, A mature guy is hardly going to make drastic changes, now if things go well for another 6 months or so, weeeeelll, we could actually start seriously planning.

I would be interested to know whats on your mind, even if I was unsure for now what to do about it.

Just my take on a 9 month relationship with a much younger female, and I was older and already divorced once, and had kid(s).

The moral of the story- Communicate honestly, and act according to your own wants and needs. You are beholding to no one, but yourself, just be straight and upfront about it.

[n2life83]

Yes, my doubts are due to the lack of time I spend with him (just an hour or two here and there every other week. I know he is content, and for the most part, so was I. (I keep myself busy with work/family/projects/friends) But it's been just a few hours here and there for the whole fall/ winter (I've noticed he's more of a summer guy who likes my company for summer activities). I understand his schedule coincides with his daughters very busy extra-curricular school year schedule. I'm just starting to feel more like a convenient activity partner than anything else. Sadly, we don't even talk personally... I'd be content even with that, to feel close. I agree, dishonesty is not my way... truth is I don't know how to get out of this rut. Worse, at only 9 months! He is a man of habit and schedules... at times stoic or joking when dealing with serious topic. Love his goofiness for all those summer activities though!

@ Talaniman. I liked your answers to my 5 questions... I know I'd respond similarly. Except with this guy, I'd really like being friends with him. I've told him that before but his response to me was "Aww babe, how could you say that after all the fun we have? And then some" (then he looks at the bed, lol! His words exactly... that goof)

@ Mystific. His divorce was quick and decisive soon after he found out of her infidelity. That's the only relationship topic he feels secure and open to speak about. Which I don't mind, and often agree with him. I know I'd be swift in regards to that too. As far as my go with the flow attitude... it's part of my conscious decision to work at a relationship. Like I said, I'm ready for it.

[talaniman]

Lol, I can understand the complications of great sex, we get hooked on that feeling very easily. Back away from those situations, and see other things that connect you, as you are going with the flow. Friends with benefits is great for some, but it also complicates things.

[mystific]

His divorce was quick and decisive soon after he found out of her infidelity

To..

4)What if I decided to meet other people without telling him (tho, I hate keeping secrets). 4) What if he found out.

You're asking for a world of hurt if you're not honest.

He's been screwed around on once.. he won't mess around a second time.

[n2life83]

Thank you both for your comments! I've decided to talk it out with him... mostly about the whole scheduled meetings. I'd love to spend more time with him... and believe he'd like to spend more time with me. Or something... so I can feel close to him, and him to me. I know that would keep me happy for a while (on top of working on getting my promotion, that'll keep me busy :P) I've never thought of this as a friends with benefits relationship (I hope he doesn't either). But I see what you mean. Find a more substantial connection than just sex. For us, that's the awesome fun we have in the sun (we're both very physically active and into fitness). If we can't work out something to get out of this rut, then I would love to propose a friendship relationship to him. I just got to figure out how to better my chances of him agreeing to that.

By the way, my thought was never to cheat on him. But to hang out with other men. I know he probably wouldn't like that much due to his past with an unfaithful wife. But believe me, I have no problem having and maintaining friendships with other men while I have a boyfriend. I will say though, that if I am not happy in the relationship and can't work out a solution, I will break up with him... but never cheat. It's low and I have a conscience. Besides, I care about him so much and consider his feelings. That is why I've decided not to pursue new male friendships.

[mystific]

Good for you and good luck with your talk.

[talaniman]

Playing it straight and honest, is the best way to go. Perhaps you can establish some rules of good behavior that you could both agree upon. That would at least put you both on the same page, going forward and give you a chance to settle differences.

I have to be honest, as an adult, no way do I rearrange my whole life for a stranger of 6 months or less, but I would surely know after 9 months whether we worked well enough together to be exclusive. Now that may mean some changes, but its something partners discuss and work out, and that takes honesty, and patience.

Most take having fun, and good sex as a basis to build something more, so they just jump in and it surely hurts when you find out what the fun sex buddy is really about. Fun, and sex do not define a relationship, working together to resolve issues, and dealing with reality does.

You will know your soul mate, by how you disagree, and cope with the not so good stuff you will find out about as you REALLY get to know each other. That may take a few years. That's why the patience is important. If you are afraid of being hurt, slow down, and pay attention, protect yourself. If you are afraid to take a risk though, you're screwed anyway.

[n2life83]

I would never ask him to rearrange his whole life... or even much of it. Neither one of us is ready for that. I'm asking for more than a couple hours total every 2 weeks. I'm asking for more connection, even if it simply comes from conversation. He is mindful of me with the sweet texts we send each other through the week. But after 9 months of keeping the same pattern, it's starting to get old.

I've been much more patient and risky with him than any other guy I've ever dated. He's older, has a teen daughter, is of a different ethnic background, and I'm finally in a place in life where I'm open to commitment. I just think that I'd be just as patient, risky, and committed with him or with anyone else. I'm not afraid to lose him as a boyfriend, and I'm not afraid to give him more of myself... but I'd be hurt if I lost him altogether. Is he my soul mate? If he is... I still don't know it.

[mystific]

Hard to define a soul mate.. I don't have that experience where I've been with someone I've felt I could live the rest of my life with.

Just keep in mind when you're 35 he'll be 52.. there are a few things to consider for the long haul.

Wait until you've had your talk. It may change the whole dynamic of your relationship.