Check out some similar questions!

KAY BEAR · Jan 21, 2008, 07:42 PM

I have been with my partner off and on for about 2 yrs now. When I 1st meet him he was in a relationship that had turned sour, about 2 months later we started dating, but he forgot to inform me he was still with the mother of his child, he went back and forth from myself and his ex for about a yr, he finally ended it with her. We have now been dating for about a yr, but the ex is still very involved in his life, due to the child, we can not go anywhere with his child unless we inform her where we are going, I am feeling like my life is being approved by his ex. She has moved on with a new partner but can still not leave us alone and has even informed me that she will not back off until we are separated. We had recently decided to move in together but he has now backed out telling me he wants to stay close to his child (they currently live two streets apart). I also have a child who happens to be the same age as his child and he feels that if he moves in with us he will be replacing his child, he said he will not be able to except my child. I love him so much and we have been through a whole lot to be together.
If I stay with this guy am I going to be happy? Will I have to live my life watching ever step due to this ex-girlfriend? Will he ever be able to commit to me?:confused:

KalFour · Jan 21, 2008, 08:18 PM

Hi Kay Bear,
If you stay with him, his child will always be a part of your life, nobody can help that. And the mother of his child will always be around. But that's not to say that she'll always be involved in your relationship. But of course she'll always want to know where her child is and who s/he's with, it's a natural response.
Do your children spend much time together? Do you both feel as though the other's child is as much a part of the family as your own? Does the father of your child have much involvement in the relationship?
Only you can really know where your relationship is going.

All the best,

Kal

KAY BEAR · Jan 21, 2008, 08:27 PM

I realise that she will always be apart of the relationship, but she is far more involed then what is needed. The child lives with her, but she still feels the need to call my partner at least 5 times aday, only to cause troble the child is not involved. My partner gets his child three times suring the week and Friday and Saturday nites everyweek my son she's his over the weekend (every 2nd) and once during the week. His son is as much involved in the relationship as my own. My Ex has my son every 2nd weekend, we only tlk when there is something need to be discused regarding my son. He has no involvement in my relationship he feels that my son is safe that's all he worries about. Do you think things will get easier or do I just let him go?

KalFour · Jan 21, 2008, 08:32 PM

Well, it sounds as if his ex isn't happy that they aren't together anymore. Or perhaps she just feels the need to be controlling in his life. Either way, you should let her know where she stands, and make sure your partner is prepared to do the same.
If you and he have a good relationship, it shouldn't matter how much she interferes (as much as it must be frustrating for you). In time, she's likely to back off and calm down.
The important thing is that you and your partner are prepared to commit to each other.

azdesertchick · Jan 21, 2008, 08:33 PM

Wow Kay, first off let me start with a *hugz*. Just to get you thinking about this situation... and only going by what you mentioned.. If you love your child as much as I love my kids, which I'm sure you do, How could you ever continue a relationship with someone who says they won't accept your child? I understand he doesn't want to replace his own and that's good, but to let you know he can't accept yours says a lot about the man. Understand I know the first thing you're going to feel as a woman is to be in defense of him and I want you to know I'm not saying he's a bad person. But is he the person you want to live with for the rest of your life? Knowing that he's lied to you before and now let's you know how he feels about your child?
It's a hard choice to make hun and I'm sure you must be hurting a lot over it and I'm hoping you have a strong support system of family and friends around you to help you through whichever choice you make. Just remember whatever you choose will have an impact on not only your life but your child's also. They need to see that you're worth more than the way you've been treated so far by your boyfriend. This isn't even hitting the topic of the ex yet which by the way is he defending you against her rude and childish behaviour? I sure hope so you deserve at least that. Good luck hun and hope you find happiness, I truly mean that. We all deserve it.

KAY BEAR · Jan 21, 2008, 08:47 PM

This happened to me last week, this is an idea with what I deal with.
While we where at the coast we had his little boy, it was sat night and he was being a he was tired and hungry so I said to my partner that he could stay with his mates but I was taking his boy back to where we where staying to get some dinna and put him to bed, any way my partner ended up coming with, we stopped for dinna at one place but it was to late so then we ended up getting kfc which was fine, but as I was getting out of the car he leaned over and kissed me and said I love you and called me his ex, I jumped back and said what did you say and of cause his little boy heard it and said daddy just called you mummy and he said that he loves mummy. When we got home Sunday the first thing his little boy said to his mum was that his dad(my partner) had called me her and that he had said that he loved you, so then she rang my partner and said see I told you that you still love me you even call :the slut' (me) my name. So it just goes from one thing to another.

Then that's when he told me that he will not be able to feel anything for my son, he only feels that he is replacing his child with mine, he feels that he will not be able to be happy while my son is around, that he thinks he is a spoiled and naughty, and told me that when we go way this weekend that my son is not coming, well that pushed me to the end. I told him that my son goes with me if he's not going then I'm not going and he needs to except my boy or I'm leaving, that his child is no angle in fact was a little all weekend and that his son was no better then mine, I said my son has a routine and that is does what ever he feels like and you have no control over him, I said over the weekend his son had said to about 5 times that he dose not have to listen to me cause I am not his mum, I said I still looked after your son and treated him the same as I would have mine, I took him to the beach, shopping, put him to sleep. I told his how dare he talk about my son like that, then I left and did not speak to him until yesterday afternoon, he sent me this message saying sorry that he loved me and didn't want to loose me that he didn't mean to call me his ex he also said he was going to try with my boy but I just don't know, if it will get anywhere, am I being stupid or do I have every rite to be pissed at him.

KalFour · Jan 21, 2008, 08:54 PM

You definitely have a right to be angry. And you can certainly demand that both children get equal rights and attention in the relationship.
The mix up of names doesn't necessarily mean anything. If he was with her for a while, it could easily just be force of habit.
If he wants to be with you, your son is part of the deal. And the same goes for his child.

Kal

azdesertchick · Jan 21, 2008, 08:57 PM

Wow of course you have every right to be pissed! Sweety honestly don't you think you and your child deserve better? That being said I'm sure he is sorry but is he sorry because he truly feels bad and wants you and your child to be a part of his life or is he sorry because he's scared because you're standing your ground and put your foot down. A marriage or lifetime commitment is hard enough but to mix all this into it... do you have friend or family that have an opinion on how they view this relationship? If they haven't said anything maybe it's time for a heart to heart and ask them for an honest opinion.

KAY BEAR · Jan 21, 2008, 09:05 PM

Oh Baby Girl,
This is my best friends comment regarding the coast problem.

Do I take her advise?

This is a terrible mess.. and I'm going to say stuff and you don't have to listen to me its just my opinion.

I don't care how drunk he was (and he is often when he is cruel) it should not be an excuse for ty behaviour. Its just a reflection of who he actually is.
You and him have been dating for longer than craig and I on and off…….im so sorry sweety but he should never have called you her especially after this long. I would be so damn pissed off Id want to tear his nuts off. Id at least slap the man.
How does the toss pot think step familys (the theory of them) work. Your boy is a liitle child, how can you not love a little child. YOU set up a spare room for his kid. The boys are 4 going on 5, they are trying to be independent, so of course they are going to be smart and pains on a lot of occasions.
DID HE REALLY say that he could not be happy while you boy is around? Piss the bastard off if he did. You do not put those sort of conditions on a relationship with children especially so young. . Disgusting.
Do not accept his apology by telling him its OK. Its not. You can say you accept his apology but that it doesn't fix anything because it is his attitude that needs to change and not anything that you did.

Sorry, you love him and you were so happy when things were turning out but it seems that he just keeps making you sad sweetheart and I hate it. But you are an adult and I'm your friend and I don't want to tell you what to do with your life because I want you to be in control of your choices and not make them based on what I think…….

But I don't like him because he always says nasty things to you and then just comes up with an excuse why he did it. There is no good excuse to call you names when you don't take his calls and all that crap…

azdesertchick · Jan 21, 2008, 10:44 PM

I'd have to say you have a good and true friend there. Willing to say something that's the truth knowing you might not take it well. Here's the thing until you realize you are worth so much more as a woman and a mom you are going to be scared about leaving him. But I believe that you already know what you have to do because if not you would have already stopped replying or you would have been pissed at your friend and not shared that info with us.

Ok so here's one more thing to think about sweety. President Roosevelt's wife Eleanor once said this.. it's funny because she was a smart lady.. "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Don't give it". So basically if you allow him or others to walk on you and treat you badly they are going to. The way to find a good man sweety is to be a strong woman and then attract a man who likes those qualities don't give in to the ones who try to change the good qualities. A good man will see you and your son as a package not as separate. He will build on a friendship with your son he'll take the time that this other guy isn't willing to do. Also he'll love all the things that make you the woman you are and he'll appreciate them too. Just remember we have to be willing to be open to someone who may be different then the ones you're used to going for. I believe even if you don't leave him now that you'll see you're worth so much more and will eventually want more in return.