[xm2010]

I just got divorced recently. Before it was finalized I was already seeing a new guy. This new guy met my three kids a couple of times. Both him and I went through a lot because of my emotional roller coaster before my divorce. Even though he hasn't told me that he loves me, my gut tells me that he does. I've met his family but they don't exactly approve of me after they found out I'm divorced and have three kids. The guy I'm seeing is single, never had kids, and has a very stable career. My boyfriend told me that it doesn't matter what his family thinks of me, I haven't done anything wrong to them and it's ultimately up to him to make a decision about me. Recently we have gotten into a lot of fights and almost break it off. In a few days of not seeing me, he realized how caring and nice I am and wanted to make it work with me. I think that he's very close to saying he loves me. Right now, my career, housing, job, everything is unknown and up in the air for me. Hearing him say that he loves me now will make me feel at least more stable in one area of my life. What confuses me about him is not really enthusiastic about spending time with my kids. One of my friend suggested for us to be strong as a couple first before having him spend more time with my kids. Any suggestions?

[Jake2008]

Your friend is giving you good advice; get to know him first, before introducing him to your children.

His seeming reluctance to tell you he loves you, bothers you a great deal, and you also seem to be needing his commitment to make your transition from divorced person, to single mom, easier. Almost like he is expected to fill a roll that he is likely not ready to fill- yet.

Let's face it, in the process of divorce, with three children; your career, housing, job, everything is unknown and up in the air for you. His family is understandably concerned thinking that he is taking on a great deal in considering a relationship commitment with you.

You also started seeing him before you were even divorced. (are you divorced now?).

It is important that you focus on you, and your children, only. Get working, find housing, and provide a stable home for yourself and children, while you, and they, adjust to life without their father, or adjust to whatever arrangements will eventually be made to custody and visitation.

My opinion is, you need to learn to rely on yourself first, and be strong in your own life, before you add another man into the mix. That only adds confusion and complications for him, and you, and your children.

What you are going through, isn't an easy transition. While it may be comforting and helpful to have another man so soon, I don't think it is for all the right reasons. If for instance, you were solid on your own two feet, secure in a life of your own, and have gone through all the changes and emotional stages of recovering from a broken marriage, that is an entirely different story.

My advice to you is to cool your jets with any potential boyfriend right now, set some limits and expectations for yourself, and not consider having a new man around your children, until you are entirely independent, and can rely on yourself only. And when that happens, go slowly without expectations, of any man in the picture.

[xm2010]

Thanks Jake2008 for taking your time out to answer my question. I'm completely done with my divorce now. The ex-husband and I share 50/50 custody of the kids. I'm in college, taking two classes now to finish my prerequisite for pharmacy school. I'm not sure if I will get into school this fall or not, it's unknown at this time. I tried applying for jobs but keep getting denied and I don't have time to commit to a job right now either. The only income I have to support myself is from unemployment which is not very much. The days I don't have the kids, I usually spend time with my boyfriend. He recently offered me money for gas and he pays every time we go out. I'm still traditional and believe that a man should take care of a women financially. It was like that in my 10 yr marriage that ended in divorce. Now I am pursuing a career for myself but I have a long road ahead. My boyfriend knows that being with me means he will have to put out more for the next few yrs until I'm done with school and have a stable career like him. My point is, I'm focus on my kids, working on a career and finding a job. I don't need him all the time to make me happy. I chose to spend time with him when I don't have kids and stay over with my boyfriend and he wanted that too. I think that both of us would feel disconnected if I stop seeing him and do what we've been doing for over a year now. My expectations are high about everything since I'm used to getting everything I want in my marriage. It's a drastic change for me and I know I need to slow down. I guess I will have to stop expecting him to spend time with my kids until everything is settled. Thanks.

[450donn]

In my opinion you need to get rid of the guy and spend time getting to know who you are. Get over the emotional issues you have and learn to support yourself. Then you might consider a new guy in your life.

[redhed35]

After a year together he has not said he loves you or is willing to make a commitment to you, in your own words he does not seem to want to spend time with your children. Do you see any red flags here?

This guy is protecting himself, and although he may say what his family think does not matter, let me tell you it does, because he is in contact with them and they love him and he's going to listen.

What you want is a big ask of him,when you can't stand on your own yet.

How can you be honest with him about what you want when your only figuring it.

I've been where your are now,I was the wife and I was protected in that marriage inso far as I knew what my role was and my place in the world.

It's a new day and different world, you have a lot of work to do and you have to carry your children while you do it. The 50 per cent of the time their not with you,is the time you use to work on you to become strong,from your post it would seem you are on your knees and the ground is shaking beneath you, and this guy, no matter how good a man he is cannot be your shelter, and I'm betting he knows it, which is why he has not said I love you... the second he does your going to rely on him for that.

My advice is simple, stand on your own, the house, the job, the finances the kids,finding YOUR happiness, that's a lot on your plate, and the only time anyone is going to share that plate with you is when you can do it on your own and you don't need anyone to share it.

As I said I have been where you are, its been 8 years since the end of my marriage, in that time I brought my own house, car,I'm putting 2 daughters through college,I retrained and went back to college and I found what makes me happy on my own. 2 years ago I met someone and now I'm engaged to be married again at the end of the year, and those years I spent on my own were hard, even hellish at times, I even lost a child in those years.

But, if I woke up tomorrow morning and lost everything, I KNOW, I could rebuild, because I have done it before.

Your rebuilding now, and you need to do it on your own.

[xm2010]

Thanks for your input. I admire you for what you've accomplished. I am committed to building my own career, buying a house, and relying on myself. It is very hard but I'm in the process. I believe that things will fall into place in time. I can't rush it, I just have to remind myself that my priority right now is take care of my kids, and establish career so that I can have money to support myself and my kids. Congratulations on your engagement and best of luck!