[habfan85]

My fiancé and I have been fighting about money. We only fight about money. Money is tight right now and it is causing some stress. We love each other and both can't wait to get married. But he had left his Facebook on the computer and I looked at his inbox and he was messaging a girl that he had fooled around with a few times before he met me. He has been messaging her through our whole relationship. Some of the messages were harmless and others were kind of racy. She knew he was in a relationship so she would bring up that it wasn't right but he kept up on the advances. I'm really hurt but he'll be mad cause I looked through his messages. I asked if he's still attracted to me and he said yes but I'm freaking out. What should I do?

[talaniman]

Big red flag when couple are afraid to talk about anything. You didn't snoop, he left his page open so yeah, ask him what's going on.

[Jake2008]

Racey messages between two people, is not a good omen, when one of the parties is in a committed relationship. And for many reasons.

First, it is inappropriate. Harmful banter on the profile page, exchanged where everyone can see it is one thing, but private messages is quite another.

Second, you had to snoop in order to click on his 'messages' notification icon, and then proceed to read his private messages. You didn't stop at one, you read enough to know that they had been communicating through your entire relationship with him.

My husband leaves his computer on all the time and it would be easy for me to do what you did, but, to me that is like checking his cell phone, or going through his wallet, or looking for other 'evidence' that he may be guilty of something. In other words, you trust your boyfriend, or you don't trust your boyfriend.

Now that you have done what you've done, you need to talk to him. Tell him what you did, and what you found out, and that you are not comfortable with the type of private exchanges going on with this other woman.

It is a sad fact of life now, that these types of relationships on Facebook, cause trouble. It is all too easy to pursue a person electronically, and what may start as perfectly innocent, if continued, gets more intimate, and over time, it becomes an actual relationship. A natural course of events after that has happened, is to meet in person, and if that hasn't actually happened (not just you but many others who have found themselves either privy to information on a partner, or they themselves have developed stronger than 'friendship' feelings toward another person. I am NOT saying he has crossed the line from electronic communication, to communicating in person, just a general observation.

I don't know how long the two of you have been together, but if he's been pursuing her, and not the other way around as you said, for the entire length of your relationship, then it is time to make some changes.

Try to think of this as no different than a red flag that needs to be honestly dealt with. Him dropping her as a 'friend' won't change the fact that he's been exchanging racey private messages as long as you've been together. It is his behaviour that has led to you feeling that there is, indeed, another woman in the picture.

[DaniCalifornia]

To put it simply, you need to talk to him. Don't just ask whether you're attractive, or good enough, as with us women, there's only one answer that's acceptable. I had an abusive boyfriend once tell me his ex was better at blowjobs. It's only going to hurt you. So only ask questions that really need answering. Ask him casually what the ex is to him.


Be firm, try not to get emotional. Let him know it's bothering you and you're willing to listen to his explanation, as long as he's willing to hear how his actions are making you feel.


Xx Dani G