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supergirl2008 · May 26, 2008, 11:49 AM

I got a bit of a problem, and need advice. My boyfriend and I have been off and on the last 8 months. We decided to get back to gether, things have been going just amazing the last 2 months. Last night, I found out that he is talking to his ex. Apparently she calls him every so often talking about her new boyfriend. I know that he was in love with her in the past and was terribly hurt by their break up. When I asked what they talked about and why he is hiding it, he said it was none of my business that it was a personal conversation. It hurt me so much, why is he hiding something from me? I asked him if he was over her and he said yes and so was she. I really am having a hard time believing this. I need help. What should I do? When I bring it up to him, he gets annoyed and just tells me to stop or to go back home.

:(

ChihuahuaMomma · May 26, 2008, 01:45 PM

First of all, why are you two off and on?

Second of all, he is hiding something from you. It could be that he is cheating on you with her, or something so small as he's embarrassed that they talk about you. Who knows? Honestly, I find it completely inappropriate that he is talking to his ex in the first place.

supergirl2008 · May 26, 2008, 02:00 PM

She lives across the country and he lives in the same city as me. He just told me that they talked about her new boyfriend, but said that what I don't know, won't hurt me. I would hate to think he is cheating on me. But then again, I know how attached he was to her. Im afraid to ask him again, but I won't know anything, cause we don't live together and its all through phonecalls and texting... and I never go through his phone!

ChihuahuaMomma · May 26, 2008, 02:03 PM

It sounds like he is just trying to stay attached to her for some reason. Tell him to stop talking to her, and focus on YOUR relationship. He doesn't need her for anything.

talaniman · May 26, 2008, 02:30 PM

My boyfriend and I have been off and on the last 8 months.

WHY?? (do you go off and on)
I

found out that he is talking to his ex. Apparently she calls him every so often talking about her new boyfriend.

HOW?? (did you find out)

She lives across the country and he lives in the same city as me.

And your threatened by someone that far away, from his past?

But said that what I don't know, won't hurt me.

He knows what buttons to push, doesn't he and does he push your buttons often? I bet he does.

Im afraid to ask him again, but I won't know anything, cause we don't live together and its all through phonecalls and texting.

Stop letting him playing with your feelings, and get your mind going. Stop. Your way to easy, and to insecure, and he knows it, and plays with your head. It's a form of control to keep you off balance and hide his own issues, I suspect, but either way stop reacting to his games.

Homegirl 50 · May 26, 2008, 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by supergirl2008

I got a bit of a problem, and need advice. My boyfriend and I have been off and on the last 8 months. We decided to get back together, things have been going just amazing the last 2 months. Last night, i found out that he is talking to his ex. Apparently she calls him every so often talking about her new bf. I know that he was in love with her in the past and was terribly hurt by their break up. When i asked what they talked about and why he is hiding it, he said it was none of my business that it was a personal conversation. It hurt me so much, why is he hiding something from me? I asked him if he was over her and he said yes and so was she. I really am having a hard time believing this. I need help. What should i do? When i bring it up to him, he gets annoyed and just tells me to stop or to go back home.

:(

Whether he is cheating or not, if he is dating you he should not be talking to her and if it is innocent, him telling you it's none of your business and stop asking or go home is just rude. If you have been off and on for 8 months it could be you were a rebound and the relationship is not working, was never going to work. Maybe he keeps you around to get back at her. But he is disrespectful and he'd have to go. Don't take disrespect from anybody and certainly not some guy you're in an on and off relationship with.

Chery · May 26, 2008, 04:37 PM

Accept this relationship for what it is. You don't own him and he does not own you. You don't live together so when he does invite you over it's probably for a good time and not nagging. He has not promised to be exclusive so you should not even be bothered by anyone else in his life. If you want to be a bigger part of it, then nagging and getting into his business is the wrong way to do it.

This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but unless there is trust, communication and a promise made to be exclusive you'll have to abide by his rules or make your own way and find someone who is willing to share and care more for just you. No man should be that important to you to give up yourself and your happiness.

Good luck..

supergirl2008 · May 26, 2008, 05:45 PM

But we ae boyfriend and girlfriend, we just broke up for 2 weeks at a time, but over all happy. Should I say something?or let this fly?

Chery · May 26, 2008, 06:15 PM

That depends on what you want to hear from him or keep things as they are right now. If he feels that his other 'contacts' are none of your business, then there is nothing you can do if you want to stay with him and accept the relationship as it is. Think of the 'what if's' and decide what you can cope with. The choice is your's.

I always made it a rule that my partner's past was none of my affair as long as he was with me. I also made the mistake once of talling one partner about my past and he found occasion to throw it in my face every time he got angry with me, so that relationship was a failure and I was glad to find out early enough.

The possibilities are another breakup (rejection can hurt), or a clearer set of ground rules that both of you can use to help your relationship grow. This depends on how confident you are in yourself and what you want out of the whole affair.

We cannot make these decisions for you, we only advise based on our experiences and I will support you in your choice, no matter what. Only you know what is important to achieve happiness.

Good luck dear.

P.S. If you do decide to have a serious talk, try a public and neutral environment - that way he does not rule in his 'castle' and can't tell you to go home again or placate you with a good time in bed.

Leidenschaftlich für Wahr · May 26, 2008, 07:04 PM

Dump him. Don't ask questions, don't give him the benefit of the doubt... by the looks of it you don't have a particularly sound relationship in the first place... so save yourself the future heartbreak and get it overwith. The longer you wait the more it will hurt, trust.

talaniman · May 26, 2008, 11:02 PM

I always thought dating was supposed to be fun. This doesn't sound like fun to me.

ChihuahuaMomma · May 26, 2008, 11:45 PM

I really got to agree with that Talan, it really doesn't. I've been in relationships where the person made me want to pull out my hair, but I stayed because "I loved them". Then I realized loving myself and being happy was far more important.

supergirl2008 · May 27, 2008, 07:27 AM

I wrote him an email today stating that this situation makes me feel very uncomfortable and that I hope he can clarify and help me understand what his motives are with her. I care about him a lot and we really do have a great relationship, at times yes I do get jealous, but that is only because he is making me feel this way. If he didn't hide the fact that he is talking to her, well then what would I be worried about?

jolienoire · May 27, 2008, 07:52 AM

Originally Posted by supergirl2008

I wrote him an email today stating that this situation makes me feel very uncomfortable and that i hope he can clarify and help me understand what his motives are with her. I care about him a lot and we really do have a great relationship, at times yes i do get jealous, but that is only because he is making me feel this way. If he didnt hide the fact that he is talking to her, well then what would i be worried about?

To be honest, if he couldn't answer you face to face I doubt if writing an email would be effective.. If he can't be honest with you, and if he doesn't feel that he can talk to you because of your jealousy then he won't. And if you have been on and off I don't really see how this is a good relationship. A healthy relationship involves communication. I can see how this can make you upset but if you really can't take it then don't deal with it. He can't make you feel anything because you control what gets you upset and what doesn't. But now you know about the ex and he made it a point to make her apart of his life despite the fact it upsets you. You have two choices stay or go... Accept or don't accept. Besides forcing someone into changing is not a good idea. It may back fire

supergirl2008 · May 28, 2008, 12:00 PM

So, an update to this is, my boyfriend ended up texting me last night to discuss what I'm worried about, (he couldn't call cause he was on a train) and I think he knows I'm upset, so we chatted back and forth for a while, and I told him id talk to him today. I figured it would be nice to make him dinner 2night so we can talk and get a chance to open up to one another, so when I did ask him, he texted back that he can't cause he is part of a dinner gala for work, so I said OK why don't you come by after if you aren't too tired, and he said no I'm sore and tired, I said OK sorry to bother you, hope you have a nice day. He said whatever bye. I didn't do anything wrong, I know he is very tired from travelling, which I understand... but I feel like he is being mean.. does he want a reaction from me? Cause I have yet not given him one, my plans are not to text or call him at all today...

ChihuahuaMomma · May 28, 2008, 12:13 PM

I wouldn't text or call him UNTIL HE DOES. See if its ALL you putting the effort forth. If he doesn't call or text you within the next few days, write him off, let it go, find someone who will appreciate you, or enjoy being single.

supergirl2008 · May 28, 2008, 12:17 PM

Thanks :) I am sure he will contact me, I just need to put my foot down and stop having him control this relationship, we must work together...

ChihuahuaMomma · May 28, 2008, 12:18 PM

Originally Posted by supergirl2008

thanks :) I am sure he will contact me, I just need to put my foot down and stop having him control this relationship, we must work together...

Agreed, so I wouldn't call him until he calls you.

sandra6 · May 28, 2008, 12:23 PM

Hi If your not living together then he should be spending time with you and not talking to his ex. I would tell him if your there and she rings then he doesn't answer the phone. Is not fair on you. Better still tell him to tell her that her life is not with him anymore. He if won't do that theni think you have to decide if you want a relatonship with him and his ex. Im sorry if this sounds harsh.

talaniman · May 28, 2008, 12:45 PM

For one I do not believe in telling someone how to act and with whom to talk to, married single or just dating.
I do believe in honesty respect and straight forward communications, and you may not have those things going, for whatever reasons, and not to fault either of you.
You have made your feelings known, and tried to do your part, now its his turn, plain and simple.
Be patient, and let him, while you get busy focusing on other areas of your life, that need your attention.
No I wouldn't bother him again, just let him rest and he will call you, or text, which I personally hate for couples