[Homegirl 50]

He went to her, she did not go to him and it's up to him to stop it if he thinks it's inappropriate.
So don't get mad at her. Talk to your friend.
If she is talking to him about things, you don't have to know.

That would be like me expecting my exhusband to not say anything to the people I know. That is just silly.

[talaniman]

My closest friend back in America was getting tired of the way she was acting so, after asking me, he offered to reach out to her and see if he might be able to provide some help to the situation. He is a firm character, somebody that I know she doesn't have in her life as a friend. I knew it would help and after they met, she finally plucked up the courage and resolve to make a solid decision which was finishing it completely.

You have no control over others, and should have told your friend to stay out of this business. It was your responsibility in the first place NOT to be lead on, and make a decision yourself to end things properly and move on yourself, and left her to her own devices. That's not fair to blame her for your own shortcomings, and now she has latched on to the friend who has gotten in this business with your blessings.

That's what happens when you look to take the easy way out, and it just doesn't work. Now its his choice to keep letting her use him for an emotional tampon, and not you. I know you had good intentions, but that never replaces positive actions for yourself. Tell him to do what he has to do, but leave you out of it as she has become his problem NOW! Nice going!

[Homegirl 50]

You invited your friend into this situation. This is your doing, not hers. If your friend chooses to continue on with her, that is their business.
You put this in motion, now deal with it.

[musicman84]

Before I read these posts, I virtually came to the same conclusions once I had calmed down.

I realize that I can't control the actions of others and expect them to act how I would in any given situation. Therefore, I simply explained my feelings to my friend and then told him this very thing, asking that whatever he chooses to do, it would be best to leave me out of it. It isn't my problem, or business, and I had no need to know about it.

Ultimately, it is my fault for creating this. However, I would like to point out that I never actually went out of my way to find an easy solution and specifically approach my friend to do something about it. He thought he could help her (at the time, I was worried about her because she doesn't really have very good friends) so I said yes, not really thinking there was much harm that could come of it.

But he didn't actually contact her and so I figured he wasn't going to. Two months passed and I was still struggling so he took it upon himself without checking with me, to talk to her which eventually resulted in her severing the cord finally.

Whilst in hindsight, I should maybe have treated this with a little more attention, it's not like I intentionally set out to find an easy solution. I just wanted you to know that.

Yes, my own shortcomings meant that I allowed her to string me along. I realize that and it is something that I will not allow to happen in the future. Whilst I appreciate advice on here GREATLY I would like to say that sometimes, the situation is never as easy to act upon with such suggestions. I knew this girl for four years and she suddenly changed. I couldn't accept this, no matter how hard I tried and truly believed that she would come back to me, given the words she said and some other actions.

I see that you are completely right now and that it was my responsibility to end things and move on. But when you love someone that you thought you knew so well, it isn't always that easy to just up and leave. But again, lesson learned; I see that now.

I agree that it isn't fair to blame her for my 'shortcomings' but it isn't unfair to expect someone to treat you with respect during a break up; this is something she did not do. I didn't help matters by hanging on, but can the dumpee really be blamed for that?

Am I not intitled to feel a little hurt and weirded out by my ex seeking advice from my closest friend that she doesn't know very well? I thought staying away from friends of the ex partner, especially if you did the breaking up, would be general courtesy?

[talaniman]

The rules for a relationship, and a break up are not as clear cut, or binding as you want to think.One human expects, and another regrets, and its not like we expect instant results, because we all know how hard it is. Its more of a process you muddle your way through, doing the best you can for yourself. We all know its NOT as easy as we make it sound. But when you ask for opinions, or advice, don't be surprised if you get it.

[Homegirl 50]

The fact remains that you set this in motion you can't put that on her.
Those are your rules not hers, but you invited the friend to talk to her. What were you thinking when you did that? Did it occur to you that she might have thought "how dare he send his friend to me"
Get over it!

[musicman84]

It has been nearly 6 months since my last post and having browsed a few recent threads, it was like looking back at myself when I was hurt, confused and lost. So, I just wanted to take a little time out of my new, busy life to post a few words on where time has taken me. Maybe those who helped me may be interested and maybe those who come here seeking solace may be able to glean a few words of comfort.

It has now been 7 full months with absolutely no contact since those final, decisive words were spoken. It has been quite some process, regularly visiting a counselor (HIGHLY recommend to help sort your mind and feelings), tackling more bumps in the road (learning she was in a relationship with 'that guy') and struggling to understand where my new path and place was.

And whilst I think of her every day still and still feel the pain of loss, I realize that I am now a much stronger person, I am a much better person and my life is so much better than it was before in many different ways. I have a great job fresh out of studies, I have money to spend on myself and others, I have a closer network of friends, I appreciate my family even more than before, I have learned to forgive myself and to find a renewed confidence, I talk to strangers and women in bars (I would NEVER have done that before!) and have taken up a couple of new focuses in my spare time.

The confusion and constant questions eventually became irrelevant when the bigger picture began to surface:

We met each other at a time when we both needed each other. She was suffering at a difficult point in her life and I was there to support her. For me, she was a huge reason I found my way to America and even though she is gone now, I still remain here with a job that is looking to sponsor me to stay. Clearly America is my path, but it just wasn't meant to be a path that she would join me on.

I have learned so many lessons which will only serve to help me in the future, traits and knowledge that I would never have been aware of had I not suffered this lost. Now I can be a better man for myself and, eventually, for somebody else.

I feel like I could go on writing for ever but I will draw it to a close now. But lastly, for anybody that might want some words of encouragement, I would like to highlight the following moment that really impacted me:

Not long after the final cut, I decided to get Netflix and create a long list of movies that I had always wanted to watch. While I was racking my brains for titles, I suddenly remember a memory deep from the past of my broken relationship. I remember hearing my ex tell me about the movie 'Signs'; strangely, this seemingly insignificant memory was extremely vivid and had somehow survived and resurfaced. I decided to add to the list and promptly forgot about it.

About 3 weeks later it arrived and in a particularly difficult time, I put it on to watch. Whilst I'm not claiming that it is the greatest movie ever made, when you forget about the cheesy alien factor, the underlying theme about fate was particularly poignant to me ('every thing happens for a reason' I had heard so many times through my break up).

The plot revolved around this theme and by the end, I felt like I had had a revelation; so much seemed clear to me and I suddenly felt free of this micro-world of pain that I was forcing myself to live in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that somehow, this memory stuck with me all those years to the very point in my life where I needed it most and where it became a turning point for me. It was almost as if it was stored back then for the very same reason that my relationship had ended... because it was meant to.

Now, at the risk of being lambasted for being all spiritual and hokey, the point in this story is simply to keep your eyes open. I'm not saying you should suddenly subscribe to the notion of fate, but what I am saying is that it's all too easy to let yourself disappear inside yourself when the answers are actually all around us; you just have to be willing to see them and accept them.

Phew! Well there it is. Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to help me, as you do countless others. I appreciated everything even though it might have hurt at times to hear 'the truth'. It takes time but eventually single one of those words and thoughts that are provided finally make true sense. It's like a jigsaw coming together.

So, thank you and good luck to everyone else who may just be starting on the path. PLEASE PLEASE believe me, and others, when we say you will get through it eventually :)

[talaniman]

Damn, I love it when people come back after a proper healing ready to take on the world. Thank you for making this a really grand day.

Well done

[Ithappenstoall]

Are you ready to date again, or meet someone new now ?

[musicman84]

Thank you Talaniman :) Your words mean a lot to me and I truly feel a sense of pride being able to come on here and stand tall again, or more so, even taller than before.

In response to the question above, I am simply ready for whatever new experience comes my way. Back in September, I attempted to date before TRULY working through the main issues and it didn't work; it felt wrong. Now, having worked through the obstacles, I am perfectly happy and comfortable meeting new women, just like I was before I met my last girlfriend. It hurts sometimes when you meet someone that doesn't provide some of those feelings I had with my ex, but that just means that they aren't the right person. Eventually, I know someone will come along that will trump her in every way.

The difference this time is that I know a lot more about what I want in a partner and I accept that it might take longer than before to find this particular person.

It's not really on my mind right now because my main concern is continuing to improve myself and find my own happiness. I miss the feeling of being with my ex and the fantasy love that we dreamed up but that just illustrates the need to be comfortable, safe and secure on my own. I have every faith in the world now that as soon as I have accomplished that, someone will appear in my life.

[Ithappenstoall]

The only reason I asked is because I can realte to so much of what you are going through or went trhu. I to was in a similar situation.
It's a nightmare I agree,

[talaniman]

Life is so much easier with the opposite sex, when you see them as fellow humans who are potential friends, just like the guys you party, and pal around with, and not through the lens of other relationships or even replacing the last romantic person. Dating is about having fun, not an interview to see if she measures up to your standards of a mate.

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.

Talaniman Rule- Doesn't matter how intense the feelings, or how much fun you have, never give your heart to someone you don't know well, and that’s only after the lust has worn off for you both.

That takes time, usually after the lust wears off and the real talking begins in most cases because those early sex romps cloud our judgment, and the intense physical feeling disarms common sense, and distracts us into ignoring any red flags we would normally pay attention too. We get more facts later, as the beginning of any attraction has both people putting on their best mask, and nicest behavior. We think we may be in love, but how can you really know? Especially if they smell good AND look good.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind, cripple or crazy.

Not only will this keep you from getting attached too fast, but keep you from becoming so attached fueled by those romantic fantasies that intense feelings bring about. Its about having FUN, making friends, and having a balanced healthy social life to look forward too. That keeps things in some kind of order and perspective and lets you see reality, and keeps you cautious so you don't get carried away by intense feelings.

Talaniman Rule- If one person isn't available, there are millions that are. Don't get stuck on one who is BUSY with other things.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because your stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, that’s just plain crazy.

This is the simple reality, that hurt feelings and broken hearts try to hide from us. I know, we are to hurt to care about reality, right? Well after a while, trust me, you get tired of feeling bad any way, so you may as well get the crying over with, and get back to real life, and put the past in the past, and let go of the hurt, It will pass if you let it go. All of it, and move forward replacing OLD memories, with NEW ones.

Talaniman Rule-When you stop looking for love, and do your thing, and enjoy ALL YOUR OPTIONS, AND OPPORTUNITIES, love will find you.

The world moves on whether we are happy or sad, hurt or not. You may as well get on the merry go round of life, ASAP! Now you can sit and sulk and pity yourself, or you can get busy for yourself, but you will find that happy people have fun and enjoy the healing just because the are now free to explore the rest of the world. You find nothing, and you do nothing, by not doing your own thing, or at least find out what your thing is that you want to do, and how you want to do it.

Talaniman Rule-Build a life that you enjoy without a mate and your happiness will attract people who will want to share in it with you.

That's the true point of life, and only you are responsible for your happiness, and not someone else, not an ex, not anyone but you. Once you take responsibility for your own happiness, then you can define your life, your loves, your wants, and your needs. You may also learn about yourself and define YOURSELF in the process, and be who you want to be.

Everyone enjoys being happy, and its easy when things are good. But what defines a person, is being happy during the hard times, and getting through it. Its all about how you deal with whatever life throws at you.No matter what it is.

Its not about having somebody, its always about being somebody,. Just be YOU. And be good to yourself.

[musicman84]

I couldn't agree more Talaniman. It's interesting how words and advice, such as yours above, only truly hit home when you've had a long enough period of true reflection. I don't pretend to be an expert in these matters, but I now know so much more than I did before.

I would say that whilst it makes sense that the world goes on regardless of your pain and unhappiness, I still didn't know how this would help me overcome my sadness. However, I realized that you simply have to accept that there is nothing anyone can say or do, nothing that you will find that will suddenly make the pain go away. You just have to live with it for a while, feel the emotion when it surfaces, ride the wave, cry if you have to, but then let it dissipate. For the longest time, I found that whenever I was sad I would always try to rationalize whey I SHOULDN'T feel this way anymore. All this did was prevent me from experiencing and getting in touch with my emotions. At first I thought it was dwelling, but there is a big difference. I actually found that in addressing it head on, feeling sad regardless of the realities such as "We're not meant to be" or "Would you really want to be with someone that you couldn't communicate together with" allowed me to let go bit by bit.

And then gradually, she became less and less in my heart and mind.

She is by no means gone from my mind, and I have by no means forgotten her. Many feelings still remain unresolved or unsettled. But that is OK because I can deal with it without making it a focus in my life anymore.

Ithappnestoall... I recall reading your thread. I'm sorry to hear you suffered a similar experience. If there is one HUGE lesson I learned through all this, it is how important communication is. It seems so ridiculously simple now. I think we fear what will happen when we are honest with our partner, we are afraid of how they might react, so in an attempt not to rock the boat, we convince ourselves that everything is fine which just bottles up emotions. At least if you're honest and it doesn't work out, you won't ever regret anything. I regret many things because of my inability to communicate not only throughout the relationship but also the break up. However, the lesson I needed to learn has made crystal clear now and I won't make that same mistake twice.

[talaniman]

It's a struggle to think rationally right after being dumped. That's for sure.

[Stringer]

There are many that come here that are going through what you went through. With the success that you have had Musicman your help and advice would be very beneficial.

Take a moment to peruse the threads and offer help were you can, it would be appreciated I am sure.

Congratulations,

Stringer