Hello everyone,

This is my first post here. My girlfriend and I recently broke up and I am finding things so difficult to understand and make sense of. It is probably best if I give some background...

We had been together for four years, most of which was a long distance. We were in separate countries at times, then in the next town over, then on opposite ends of California, back to being in the next town over and now we find ourselves on opposite ends of California.

She is currently 29 and I am 25. I am finishing up my masters degree and she has been working for the last two years. It's unbelievable how we managed to stay together despite the distance, but we felt a very strong love for each other even though we weren't always able to express ourselves physically like a normal couple would. We certainly had problems but we always seemed able to resolve them and transcend the heartbreak of leaving each other so much. Plus, we were so convinced about our future together and how we appeared to be such a great match for each other, that the thought of being together forever kept us jumping the hurdles. We would talk every day on the phone when apart, be sure to arrange dates when we could see each other in advance, express ourselves and feelings and generally put everything in to being in a long distance relationship.

We were right at the end of our distance struggles, 6 weeks before she was due to return home and then we would finally begin our lives in the same city. Suddenly, all these issues and problems have surged out and after a few weeks of her trying to figure out her confusion, we decided we had to break up, as much as I didn't want to.

It turns out that she has been somewhat unhappy with our relationship over the last year. She is a very affectionate and loving person and she said that she forced herself to be OK with our situation, when really she was struggling with missing some of the things she wants from a relationship. She doesn't know why this is all coming out now, but she says that she feels like she should be on top of the world happy in a relationship. Also, she feels like the distance has really worn her down and that she has no energy to put into it right now, feeling like it would be unfair on both of us if she was only halfway in the relationship. She admitted to me that she had some feelings for someone else but assured me that she hadn't cheated on me and our problems weren't about her meeting another guy; it is about us and her feelings for him only made her realise more that she could be happy if she wanted to be. She also said that she couldn't feel romance and passion towards me and worried whether she could get back to that again. So, with all of this being said, we felt we had to break up so that she could have true time and space to figure things out and find clarity. We have not contacted each other for the last 5 days and it feels like an eternity. Many of her issues, I've shared myself at times in the relationship but I felt like I was always able to see the 'logic' behind them, in as much as the distance can only give you so much, especially after four years.

I must admit a few things myself. For quite some time, on and off, I have had difficulty feeling romance and passion for her too. Even when we were saw more of each other in the next town over, I found it hard to stoke up the flames when we were essentially leading different lives. It made me feel bad and doubt my feelings, but deep down, I knew that I loved this girl very much and that the distance and circumstances were standing between us, especially as I didn't always feel these doubts. Sometimes, things were great and I had no worries, so I felt OK in general and never bothered her with these thoughts. Also, the prospect of leaving my home country to live in the states frightened me but I always kept it hidden, again, so as not to rock the boat. It became apparent that as trusting and as caring as we had both been for the past four years, there was still an element of communication missing, but not for bad reasons. I think we just wanted to be happy with the time we spent together and not ruin it with problems.

When we broke up last week, it was extremely distressing for both of us. There was a lot of crying, especially from her. She told me that she didn't know if she was doing the right thing and, as much I didn't want it to happen, I told her it was right now and she eventually saw this to be true also. But after we broke up, I stayed with her for two days and things were strangely really nice. We were very close and connected like we hadn't done for a while. We would hold hands, hug, kiss and look into each others eyes lovingly, snuggle at night, be intimate and lustful, laugh and smile. She also told me a number of times that she loved me so much and that I should always remember this. Even when I left at the airport, she said that she 'loved me so so much'.

This whole situation has made me realise just how much I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life. She is such a wonderful girl and I could go on for paragraphs detailing why, knowing that she would make the perfect wife and girlfriend. This is all stuff I knew but had trouble feeling because of circumstances. Now, it is all I think about; she is all I think about and I don't know what to do.

I realise that we have broken up and I am keeping strong by not contacting her and giving her the time she needs to figure it out. But the problem is, I am struggling so much with a) understanding exactly how this happened, b) what she is going to end up eventually feeling, c) knowing how to treat the situation and d) wondering if my feelings of hope, not believing that this is the final chapter are justified or not.

I feel like she is the kind of girl that needs affection, words of love and attention, things that I found it difficult to provide all the time while we were apart. I fear that in this attempt for her to figure out her feelings, my lack of contact is not beneficial to her and us, as much as the NC rule appears to be the advice from all. It is strange to me because for so long, she used to tell me how she expected to be in a different part of her life right now with a steady career, husband and a house. She has always made it clear to me that she intended to settle down with me which, I admit, I wasn't always able to completely commit to because of my natural male tendencies but also the fears I had of leaving my home country. But that being said, I always felt like I was the guy of her dreams that she wanted to settle down with. This is another reason that I am so confused...

I hope that you have been able to understand this and it wasn't too convoluted. Feel free to ask any questions that might make the situation any clearer.

I really appreciated any advice and thoughts that you can give...

Sadly,feelings change and people break up.

I think this is what happened here-you grew apart,not together.

Try not to overanalyze the whys and the wherefores, some questions are never answered and are best left alone.

Stay no contact,it will help you move on and heal.

Read the stickies at the top of the relationship page for more advice.
Take care.

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Originally Posted by musicman84

But the problem is, I am struggling so much with a) understanding exactly how this happened, b) what she is going to end up eventually feeling, c) knowing how to treat the situation and d) wondering if my feelings of hope, not believing that this is the final chapter are justified or not.

I feel like she is the kind of girl that needs affection, words of love and attention, things that I found it difficult to provide all the time while we were apart. I fear that in this attempt for her to figure out her feelings, my lack of contact is not beneficial to her and us, as much as the NC rule appears to be the advice from all.

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Why this happened is actually very understandable, the fact that it didn't happen sooner is really incredible because as a rule usually long distance relationship do not work, but you guys lasted 4 years which tells me that you most really love each other. Still, a relationship between 2 people that almost never see each other and cannot express their love in a physical way, mind that I don't mean only sex, is always going to suffer. She felt alone most of the time, is my guess, and being in a relationship and still feel alone means that something is not OK, you start to feel underappreciated and unloved, even if that's not the case. So she met someone that made her feel beautiful and feminine and flirty again, which she wasn't feeling in your relationship, and that made her realize that maybe something was not right. Now, this is me assuming based on what you have said. She might eventually realize that she made a mistake and loves you and wants to try again, specially when you are so close to be together finally; but let me tell you something in a completely comparative note. My brother and his girlfriend of 2 years broke up (she broke up with him) and he was devastated to the point where he couldn't eat or do anything. He cried his eyes out, because this was the woman he had made plans with, and with whom he saw himself married for the rest of his llife. Everyone was on his side, because her excuses for leaving him her very vague but we told him what everyone is telling you DO NOT CONTACT HER. He didn't listen. At the end, when he realized his mistake he stop calling her, and leaving her messages and stuff. She started to call him, cause that's the way we women are. The point in all I'm saying is that you have no idea what she's going to decide but you're doing the correct thing by letting her take her time to think.

Then again, if she likes to feel loved and cared for, maybe after the week has gone by you could let her know you miss her. But that's all!! Do not say I love you, have you decided, or even I'm waiting. Nothing about that. Just hi, I've miss you. Hope your OK. Bye. Period. It's good to know you miss her, but calling to check up on her is not good. If you don't trust yourself to just say that better not to call. Then once again, this is me assuming, if you believe it would better for you both to wait for her to call you, do that.

Remember you have to do what feels right for you, because well... it's your relationship. I think you know what went wrong 'cause you admitted you have been through it too. Maybe she's just not as strong, and after a while logic seems to sound like excuses. So just give her time... but do not wait forever either.


Hope I was any help... ;)

The thing with long distance is that no matter how "close" you are and how much you share, you can not see what is really going on there. Hell, even people living together have hard time seeing each other's feelings...

My thought is that she changed and you couldn't notice she did. Maybe she doesn't want the same things in life as you do.
I will be 29 in a week and 2 of my close friends had babies/ have their girlfriend pregnant and all of a sudden I start to think about it. I wouldn't even imagine that 2 years ago. What I'm trying to say is, you may not be the man of her dreams anymore and it's OK. It really is.

It doesn't mean she lied to you, I'm sure she was thinking what she said when she said it, the proof is that you guys could make it despite everything. But when you don't "feel like" dealing with difficulties, it also means you are about to give up. I've been in a long distance relationship for about 3 years and I know how every time a couple is cuddling next to me at the movies, or kiss each other in the car next to mine I hated them, I hated my life and blamed it on destiny that I had to spend all that time alone because someone was waiting for me at the other end of the world.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but you can't force someone to be the way they were before everything happened. Once it goes away, even if you try to make it work again, most of the time it fails.

So about your a-b-c-d. Forget them all, at least for the moment. Because :
a) this happened. How isn't a right question right now because you will just kill yourself trying to answer a question with no real answer. It just did.

b) same thing. She doesn't know how she is feeling right now, and obviously not how she is going to feel. You can't tell either, plus, it's none of your business.

c) you can not treat this situation. You can only take care of yourself right now, but you REALLY can do it. You have to do whatever you can to feel better. (coming here helps me a lot when I struggle) It's not going to be easy, but you have to keep living, and really enjoying life taken apart of that relationship.

d) no one can tell if it's the final chapter or not, but chances are if you are here, it can be. It is perfectly human (and normal) to have hope, but it is not the right thing. If you don't feel like you can go for NC right now, you will know at the right moment. The worst thing about it is that when that "enough is enough" moment comes, the damages are bigger.

She admitted having feelings for someone else. Of course it's not the reason, it's the conclusion of much deeper issues. Think about what you are fighting for, or why but FOCUS on YOURSELF first. Good luck.

On a different note you should also take this time to think about your relationship and your feelings. The fact that you're so logical and reasonable and are not going nuts might be a big sign that your feelings have change too.

Thank you for the replies. We had three weeks where she needed time to think but we kept in contact still. This didn't seem to help which is why we decided to break up. Since then, I have been keeping to NC.

With regards to growing apart, despite her general unhappiness at our situation, we still shared many wonderful moments together, words of love and affection and the times when we were together, everything just fell right into place. Whilst phone calls were sometimes difficult (mostly because I found it hard to express my love), we were never cold or distant whilst together. Every now and then, she would bring up her concerns and upset that, whilst apart, our relationship didn't always seem a priority and how she needed more attention and loving words. I would agree and would endeavor to make the necessary changes but deep down, I always felt like it was because she hadn't found the balance like I had, given the circumstances we were faced with. We always discussed this and felt like we would resolve it to the point of accepting that the distance would always stand in the way for the time being.

I guess what my point is, is that that we would discuss the problems to a certain extent but it never seemed to be to the point where it would force us apart or start to grow apart. She admits now that she wishes she had addressed things with more severity, but other than her occasional moments of upset, nothing appeared to change between us and our strong love never seemed to change. If we had started growing apart, surely there would be more obvious clues? Maybe her inability to express herself (which never appeared to change right up until 3 weeks before the break up) would have changed? Maybe she would have been more cold and distant? Maybe we would have argued more? Does any of this make a difference to the 'growing apart' comment?

As far as wanting things in life that I don't want, I'm not sure I follow this, or at least, maybe I didn't detail this part of the relationship. Like I said though, she has always expected to be further ahead in her life at 29 than she is now. Every now and again, she would ask if we were on the same page, and I said we were. I felt like I didn't want to 100% say "yes, I will leave my country and marry you for sure" because I felt like we still had a 'real' relationship to test out first. This was partly because I didn't want to lie to her and give her false hope, but also, it helped me deal with my fears of leaving my home country. However, I assured her that this is the path I was heading down and as long as everything fell into place, it was something I wanted. I see now that my fears stood in the way of my true feelings which are believing this girl to be the woman of my dreams, wanting marriage, kids and a family in the states. I told her this recently and she said it meant a lot to her. So in that respect, I feel like I do want the same things as her...

I really do appreciate all angles of advice and I hope that I'm not being blind. I just feel like there are so many aspects that don't quite add up to some of the advice that I hear.

What do you think?

Oh, and I also wanted to reply to Sheran about being reasonable and logical. Inside, I really do feel like I am going nuts. However, I love her and can see how much this confusion is tearing her up. I know that she needs the time to figure this out without having to worry about me too much, so that she can focus on herself.

I am having such a tough time with this, mainly because I felt like we were at the end of our struggles, looking forward to finally being together only for it all to sudden come to this.

I am going nuts, but I'm desperately trying to find reason and logic to cope... :(

We all feel like we're going nuts right after a breakup-but we don't,we just lose the plot for a bit. Four years in a LDR is a long time,and if I read you right,when you met up,problems were not discussed.

For example,you didn't voice your fears about moving to the States.

I don't know how big a move that is/ was for you,but it's a big step moving countries.

I think you should take it one day at the time now,keeping yourself busy and doing things that make you feel better.

Stay no contact,as this will help your clear your mind and start thinking with your head again.

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You are disconnected from each other, and are basically strangers again.

What bonds people are shared experiences, and a bit of facing life together. Good and bad, and growing together.

That's rather hard in an LDR of such lengths, but hey it happens to the best of us.

Threads merged

I am sure that this is a common question on this board but I feel like my situation may be a little more complicated and may need slightly different treatment.

This is a continuation of the "Confused by the LDR break up" thread that I posted earlier in the week.

My girlfriend of 4 years (most of which was LDR) has just recently realized that she had an underlying unhappiness with our relationship for about the last year. Whilst we were very happy when we were together, it appears that the lack of romance and passion whilst apart, as well as all the other benefits of being in the same place, were making her unhappy. She never addressed this properly with me and she forced herself to accept this, believing that we would finally be together and all would be great.

6 weeks from the LDR being over, she is suddenly realizing this all now, is confused, upset and has no clarity with her feelings about me and what this has done to her and our relationship.

I went to visit her and it became clear that her problems were too great to figure out together and a break up was our only option. She didn't feel like she could be half way in the relationship; this would be unfair on both of us.

I returned home to call her so that the trauma of the airport wasn't our last contact. She sounded very upset, said that she missed me so much and all she could see was my face in her mind. She kept assuring me that she loved me so much.

It has been 9 days since that conversation with absolutely no contact from either of us. She said that I could call her whenever I wanted or needed but I told her that I would try not to because she needed time to focus on herself. I told her that she should call me whenever she wanted or needed also, but that she shouldn't contact me to check up on me to make sure I was all right because this too would detract from what she needed to focus on.

My issue with the NC rule is that I am worried it may not suit our situation to just completely disappear. For whatever reasons, I can tell that my ex is very confused and upset and I know now that this is something only she can figure out on her own. But at the same time, whilst she knows that I care about her and still love her very much, she has always been the kind of person that needs that reassurance, for the entire time we've been together. She may be going through some changes but part of me feels like a brief text or email to let her know that I am thinking about her and hoping that she is doing OK will help her.

What do you think?

I have a struggle where I'm wondering if we're both in a stale mate. Maybe she wants to contact me but feels like, right now, she shouldn't because she doesn't want to hurt me or lead me on if she is still figuring things out? Maybe she doesn't want to contact me to distract from an important music recital I have on Thursday? Or maybe, she simply isn't contacting me because she doesn't need to.

I suppose I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing through this whole thing...

Thanks for any help.

I think you let her get unconfused, and do your thing in the mean time. For sure you can assume, and presume, and speculate all you want, but its up to her to make up her mind what she wants without your influence.

So I think you leave her alone until then, but don't just sit and wait and wonder what she is thinking. That's for her to tell you, which may never happen, but who knows.

The answer to your question is it seems its NC for now any way. Go with it.

NC, so you know is about healing to make better decisions, based on facts, and not just feelings. Right now, your hoping for the best, but in time, I hope you do what's right. You sure can't control her thoughts or actions, so don't try.

Hello everyone,

I thought I'd come back here and provide some updates not only to seek advice, but also to show people how things can develop over time.

After two weeks of NC, I had a music recital to perform and I didn't hear from her on the day. Her sister that she lives me actually texted me good luck wishes and her parents actually came to watch, which was harder than I thought it would be. The very next day, I hear from her via text, her telling me that she wanted to call but thought it probably wasn't a good idea considering the importance of my recital. It was nice to hear from her and we had a couple of light exchanges but nothing more.

Four days passed with NC and it got to, what would have been, our four year anniversary. Because everything was still fresh, I thought long and hard about contacting her and finally decided that I didn't want the day to just pass completely unmentioned so I sent a short, but kind text to let her know that I was thinking about her on this day even though things were different. This spawned a few exchanges as she proceeded to tell me:

- just because she isn't contacting me doesn't mean that she doesn't think of me all the time
- she cares for me so very much and misses
- she's loves me
- she is finding this difficult, her moods up and down all the time

I told her that I loved her back and that I understood how hard this was, admitting my own struggles. After a few friendlier, lighter texts, we parted ways and she told me we would be in touch again soon.

One week passed and I started finding the situation harder to deal with. In my heart, I think I believed that she would miss me so much and would eventually call, but as the days went on, the less likely this seemed to me and I started to get a little frantic again. On top of this, her previous text exchanges made me feel like there was still hope, but with no real conclusion. The lack of understanding and vague answers was started to consume me as my mind went wild with so many different thoughts and possibilities.

So, I ended up calling her after 3 1/2 weeks of NC. I felt like I had to do it. I was trying to be so understanding of her situation, giving her whatever it was she needed, feeling like I should do something completely for her, but the longer this went on, the harder I was finding it to ignore my own needs.

The phone call itself was very calm and collected, as I had planned out a few things to say. We chatted lightly at first and clearly, both of us were enjoying hearing the others voice after so long. I started to get into the main reason I had called and told her that I was struggling with moving forward. I said that I felt trapped in between hope and acceptance, wondering if I was inventing hope myself and not knowing how to get on one path. I asked her if there was anything she could tell me that she had figured out, in order to help me. However, she told me the following:

- she has been busier than before with more work hours and her own music shows to concentrate on
- whenever she thinks about our situation, she gets depressed and it becomes a problem for her onstage focus which she can't afford to let happen
- she still doesn't know what she wants and feels that she can't tell me anything that will help either way
- she hasn't given up on me, "not right now anyway"

She started to cry again and, unprompted, told me that she loved me and that it was really nice to hear my voice because things have been so hard. I was happy to hear this and told her I loved her too. She said that she was worried about me and I assured her that I was getting on with my life, just struggling a bit, but it had helped to talk her.

Another week of NC has gone by again and I feel like I am doing better. The past month I have done so much thinking and writing, not always a good thing, but many honest realisations have surfaced about our relationship and my own feelings that I didn't address before. It makes me realise that things weren't as rosey as I once thought and could have always been potential problems further down the line.

However, at the same time, I still miss her and love her more than anything in the whole world and as much as things appear to have changed, I can't let go of her completely by the nature of the break up and also the words she has said to me the few times we have communicated. Even if she loves me as a friend, or isn't 'in love' with me, surely it would be a reckless thing to say to an ex who is clearly struggling? At first I was happy to hear those words on two separate occasions, but now it frustrates me a little because it only serves to confuse me further.

The most recent emotion I am experiencing is a mild form of anger. She is someone that always tries to do the right thing for all parties concerned but for the first time in four years, I feel like she is not doing that. I understand that she wants to figure out her issues, but she has almost left me in the wings, despite not being together anymore. I am doing everything in my power to move forward and I believe that each week gets a tiny bit better, with lapses of course, but having been a couple for so long, I feel that the least we could both do would be to communicate and figure out how to move forward, even if it is away from each other. Some kind of satisfactory resolution is not too much to ask, is it?

I would be very interested to hear any insights. Many thanks for all the previous ones a few weeks back. They were most helpful.

-MM

When you break up, leave the ex alone, and get your act together all by yourself. You avoid drama, confusion, false hope, and any false expectations that she is coming back, or can help you through this.

You are on your own.

You really should leave he alone.
I would imagine she is feeling enough confusion as it is.
LDR are hard and it seems that maybe after all of this time, it is getting to be a bit much for her. There has not been enogh contact to keep things going.
You said yourself you had some doubts, that you would not commit 100% because you didn't know if you could leave your country.
She may very well love you but maybe the distance has taken it's toll and she feels like there is no future there, she does not want to spend any more time.
Don't contact her any more. In the meantime get on with your life.
I wish you well.

Thank you for the replies. Whilst it does seem like keeping NC is probably the wisest choice for both of us, I do struggle with the following thoughts:

I feel like after four years of being together, there should be a better communication throughout this. We never really got to the bottom of anything and in my attempt to do what I thought was best for her and our relationship, with understanding and patience, I left too many questions unanswered and allowed her to leave these doors of hope open.

What sort of limit is there on giving someone time and space? Right now, I feel like I'm doing everything for her, and nothing for my own peace of mind. That is what I am looking for really, is a more comfortable means to move forward.

N.B She returns home in two weeks.

You may not find any answers, but she has asked you to leave her alone and that is what you should do. When she contacts you again then perhaps you can ask the unanswered questions.
But in the meantime get on with your life, try not to dwell in her.

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That is what I am looking for really, is a more comfortable means to move forward.

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For your own peace of mind, you do your thing and enjoy yourself, like she is probably doing, and she will let you know when she has had enough time and space.

There is no limit to how long that takes so the real question is how long WILL it take before you figure she isn't worth waiting for any longer. I have always figured if they miss you enough, they will be in contact, and the longer they do not, the less I care, unanswered questions or not, and it doesn't matter how long you were together.

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we decided we had to break up, as much as I didn't want to.

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This was her idea, so give her what she wants... time and space, all she can handle..

Thank you :) I'm sorry if I sound like I'm going round in circles. I honestly feel like I am sometimes though, in an attempt to make this as easy as possible to deal with.

One of the hardest things throughout this process is that she has never treated me like this. I'm not saying that she is being mean or intentionally hurtful, but more that she is thinking less about my feelings and more about hers. I realize that in doing this, clearly this is what she needs right now, but for it to happen so suddenly and without much of my input in the matter is a tough one to swallow. I was so used to the girl I knew for all these years and now, it appears that she has either changed or that this side of her never showed before.

I guess it's a matter of getting my head around this, which is so difficult with all the wonderful memories of the past to confuse me. Do people really change like this without them, or us realising it? I simply didn't see it coming and I consider myself quite a sensitive person. I could always tell when something wasn't right with her and she could never hide things from me, even the smallest things.

It really helps to hear unbiased views, by the way. I really appreciate the help.

Hello everyone,

It's been just over a month and a half since I last posted on here regarding my own situation. My reasons for returning are twofold really: firstly, I wanted to stop by and show 'progress' for anyone that may be interested, but also to ask for reflection on the current situation.

Before I do, I wanted to thank those that took the time to read my posts and offered their thoughts. It got to a point where I was spending a lot of time trawling the site for similar stories, searching the internet for answers to the point where I realized that I really wasn't getting anywhere. It was then that I figured out I had to let go of these 'unanswered questions', one of many reasons I decided to stop posting so frequently on here. However, it was always a comfort to know I could return at any time (but for the right reasons!)

So in a nutshell, as time went on, I found myself working more on ME and spent less time on the HER, something that felt very opposite to what I really wanted to do. The pivotal moment was when I played with my soccer team in a game which lasted one hour during which time, I did not think about her once, something that had not happened in a long time. I felt great after the game too. It was then that I realized this small moment would eventually become more frequent, and last for longer durations. I knew then that I would be OK in time, despite still missing her immensely.

Anyway, she came back to the area, called me and we chatted for ages, catching up etc. I felt great because I could enjoy it without the desperate need to suddenly ask all the questions that I had previously needed to ask. I felt like I was in a much stronger place that I realized I was. So, when she asked to meet up that week, I agreed believing that, whatever the outcome, I was better equipped to deal.

Without dragging the continuing story out for too long, we began talking more and met up once or twice, finally getting into details further about what had happened, and how both of us felt at this current point in time. What she said has left me confused all over again and I'm not sure how to proceed...

She confirmed that she does love me with all her heart, feels the romance and passion feelings are still there, is attracted to me and really enjoys spending time with me. However, there is something that is holding her back and she needs to figure it out and understand what it means.

Additionally, it is worth mentioning that her ongoing issues in life (happiness, money, career etc.) have finally got to her at 29 and she knows that she has much to fix in herself.

I have gone away for 5 weeks now for summer vacation and I told her the following:

It makes me happy to feel the love you have for me, but the words of uncertainty you feel, in turn make me feel uneasy and uncertain of what is actually happening and will happen. I know what I want but I still don't think you do, and that confused me. Therefore, I need to go away and focus on my summer, family and friends and you need to spend the time focusing on figuring out what you want. I am always here for you whenever you want to talk about anything, but I need to do what I think is right for you, me and us.

It has nearly been 3 months since we broke up and whilst she is definitely making progress with figuring her feelings out about us and her life, she still has decisions to make.

I want to give her time because I know that I can't force someone into something they are unable to do, but it is hard for me to simply just let go.

What are you thoughts?

You had a good start before you agreed to get back in to the confusion by seeing her again.

Either start NC over again, and do better, or stay confused. Those are your choices.