[tazma95]

Thanks for the coments it makes me feel a little better about going I suppose I can only give it a go. My ex has been ringing me for the last three days I've been ignoring his calls but I feel really bad I sent him a text to see what he wanted. He said he really needs to talk to me but not on the phone. I don't know what to do should I ask my mum if I can see him or just go see him I just feel really bad he was always there for me but I don't want mum to get all angry and start calling me names. Im confused I don't know if I really trust myself to go and see him with out anything happerning I do love him still and if he needs me then I want to be there but I don't know if it will just make things worse.

[talaniman]

It will make things much, much worse. Text him and tell him straight up, ain't nothing happening, and your mom wants it to stay that way, "Sorry, end of story"

Another one of those do the right thing moments. Your moms trust is at stake, don't forget that, and don't let anything stop the hard work you are trying to accomplish.

[Wondergirl]

i dont know if i really trust myself to go and see him with out anything happerning i do love him still and if he needs me then i want to be there but i dont know if it will just make things worse.

Please don't go. You'll undo all the good things that you've accomplished.

[martinizing2]

Taz,
If he really cared for you he would understand and back off.
He was there for him, not you.
He wants to see you because he knows he can manipulate you
Better face to face. His interest is with him , not you.
If he really loves you he will wait , understand your
Situation, and try to help by backing off and letting you
Get your life together. He is the last thing you need right now.

Believe me, if he really loves you he will put your interest first
And do whatever is necessary to help you.
If he insists on anything else it shows his interest is with himself.
Love is putting your own interests secondary, especially in this case.
Be strong and resist letting him manipulate you.


It is good news you decided to try the counselling , worst come to worst it can't hurt.
I think the new perspective it offers will help you a lot.

[tazma95]

I sent him a text told him that I can't see him that it will just make things worse. He said that he really wanted to see me and was quiet angry about it when I said I couldn't see him he told me he was there for me and if I loved him I would be there for him. I feel really bad but I don't want to wreak everything between mum and me its so hard. I feel so confused at the moment I know what it feels like to be hurt and I don't want to do that to someone else.

[martinizing2]

i sent him a txt told him that i can't see him that it will just make things worse. He said that he really wanted to see me and was quiet angry about it when i said i couldnt see him he told me he was there for me and if i loved him i would be there for him. I feel really bad but i dont want to wreak everything between mum and me its so hard. I feel so confused at the moment i know what it feels like to be hurt and i dont want to do that to someone else.

Being there for each other is not a your turn, my turn thing.

Being there is offering support to help in any way you can
In this case he would be there for you by understanding your situation
And backing off.

He is trying to manipulate you to do what HE wants
Not what is the best for YOU.

It's a two way street .
Why should his need to see you be more important than you
Wanting to make your life easier and do some constructive things
You need to do?

If he really loved you.
Your needs would come first. And he would be supporting
The things you want to do instead of hindering and causing
More problems. This is selfish and childish.
He is not worth it.

[Cat1864]

Tazma, he should have realized the need to back off and leave you alone when your mother wanted to have him arrested. You are being here for him by NOT giving her a reason to have him brought up on charges. Showing anger and trying to emotionally blackmail you into giving in are not the actions of a mature individual.

In my opinion, you should show this correspondence to your mother so that she knows what is going on and can take measures to protect the both of you. Be honest with her that you tried to tell him to leave you alone, but he won't. Let her know that you need her help in getting through all of this and knowing what steps to take. Counseling will do a lot to help, but you also need the emotional support of your mother.

I want you to remember that you aren't alone. You have your mother and a thread full of people who are here to help you.

[cdad]

Remember what I said about being ahead of your peers. This is the start of it. Love is not something you prove to one another. Love is the first brick in the foundation to a lasting relationship. The real biggie is commitment. It's the invisible line. Love can wane at times and its commitment that carries your through. By him saying to prove you love him only shows how childish he really is for a grown man. If he were committed to you then he would want what's best for you no matter what. Sometimes that even involves hurt feelings. Your mother is committed to you and that's why the hurt is happening. She wants you to grow but more importantly she wants you to see that growth. Your at the turning point in life where your stripping the cacoon you have been in all these years and are now getting set to turn into that beautiful butterfly. Fly high and seek the wind. Release yourself from this fool. It hurts now but I promise you love and life are not over. You have much ahead of you on lifes journey. Make your choices count.

[Homegirl 50]

This guy is thinking about himself. He is probably wanting to make sure your mom is not going to pursue having him arrested, wants to make sure you say he did not force you in to anything.

I agree with Cat1864, you need to show this text to your mother. She needs to know this is going on, that he is trying to pressure you.

[tazma95]

I showed my mum the text she went mental she rang him up and told him to leave me alone or she would go to the police. She got really angry at me for text him she said I should have just ignored his calls I was going to try and explain to her why I text him but she was just so mad so I just said nothing she took my phone off me which sux but I'm not going to say anything it will make it easier for me if I don't know his been ringing anyway.

[Cat1864]

When she calms down and she will, let her know you love her.

Losing the phone probably is for the best. When you get it back, you might even ask your mother if you can get the number changed to ensure that he can't contact you. It is one of the best ways to enforce No Contact and keep the confusion that happens with a break-up to a minimum.

Good luck.

[Homegirl 50]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.



As a mom, I would have done the same thing. I would have really gone off on him. It is probably best you don't have the phone right now.

She is angry and that is understandable, she is also probably angry with herself, feeling she should have been paying better attention. While this situation is trying, it has knocked things out of stalemate, let you know you can't stay in your grieving cocoon, there is still a daughter who needs her mother and a mother who needs communication with her daughter.
You two are going to be fine.

[88sunflower]

Again every comment to your new event that has happened is right on the money. I would love to add one more thing. Just keep this in your mind. Boyfriends will come and go, your mother is forever. You choose.

[tazma95]

What a complete waste of time that was going to a counselor it just made me feel worse. I told my mum I didn't want to go again boy was that the wrong thing to say to her she's not happy she told me I have no choice if I want to live under her roof I have to go. I hate it I don't want to talk. I love my mum and want to have a good relationship with her but I don't want to go back there again. This is so unfair its not like she understands she's not the one who has to sit there talk. Im so mad I just want her to let me do what I want I really though breaking up with my boyfriend and trying to be really good would make things better but it seems like I'm the only one who's trying she doesn't even try to talk to me she still exactly the same ignors me most the time like I'm not there she only speaks to me when I talk to her or she wants to yell at me. I'm so over this

[Wondergirl]

What a complete waste of time that was going to a counselor it just made me feel worse.

What didn't you like about it?

There are times when you do feel worse, and that means the process is working. It's not like a birthday party or Christmas Eve. If you felt worse fairly quickly, that means good and productive things were happening already. You felt bad here at first, didn't you, and then remember what happened! Please go back to counseling with an open heart.

[martinizing2]

It probably should have been mentioned that the first few visits to a counselor are uncomfortable and awkward .

You need to get to know each other a bit , so they pound you to talk a lot right at first.

The results are good but getting there can be trying and emotionally draining when you are already in that state when you start.

But the benefit will outweigh the hardship.

It would be helpful if your mum took more notice of how well you are doing , eventually she will.
But you will be the one who really benefits.

I have seen so many go on that downward spiral you were on , and when they hit bottom there were very very few that escaped from the depths it takes you.

Stay strong and focused on the progress you are making.

What you are doing is inspiring ,

[adviceishere]

I agree, keep going with our mother, you will learn so much about each other, both your deep feelings and eventually you will have a new found respect for each other. Have you ever had someone from school bully you or someone just being mean to you for no apparent reason, and then find out this person has a deep secret like problems at home or what not? You start to understand why they were mean to you don't you? And then you don't feel so bad because you know it wasn't so personal. Well your mother has obviously got some underlining emotional problems, most likely from losing your father, and I'm sure you do too. When you do find these feelings out about each other I can guarantee your relationship will improve because you will discover that most of your hurt is very similar, it's a slow process but extremely worth while..

[talaniman]

Hang in there, every thing will not always go as you wish, or have the outcomes you want. Don't quit on yourself, because you can do this. It does get better, but you have to finish what you started. What you thought it would be an instant success? No such thing. You have some hard work ahead, and its for you. This issue cannot be resolved through one visit, so stick to it, and see it through.

[88sunflower]

Counseling sucks, at first. How dare they dig in to your life and want you to talk and sit there and feel embarrassed and ashamed. All the nerve of them!

I have spent hours in counseling visits. If you hated it then the counselor your seeing isn't right for you. Find another one. Once you get over the first couple times its rewarding it really is. I have sat there, I have shed tears and I have told my deepest thoughts. When it's the right one you will leave and feel better. You will leave thinking about things. You will see why and how you could react to things. Please listen to us and go back. If this one isn't right there are more out there.

Also don't hold this against your mother. This was your first visit. Don't be bitter towards her. If your in the office alone talking I am sure the topic of your mom will come up, as will your father. Let it all out. You might be surprised to hear the counselor wants to meet with your mom also 1 on 1. Don't give up and don't point fingers. It takes many factors to build a problem and many solutions to end it. You have had a lot of stress and turmoil in your life to cause this situation. Now your taking steps to find the solutions.

Keep your head high and focus on a goal. You are so smart. We all see it. You have so much to offer already. Give it another chance. Or even a few more times.

[Homegirl 50]

Those first visits are hard. You are forced to think and talk about things, face things you'd rather not do. Keep it up you will be glad you did.
There are so many people who would benefit from counseling and they are unable or their parents don't care enough to see that they do.
I know you are hurting but you are fortunate. Your mother cares and she is hurting too. Continue this for the both of you.