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CONFUSED76 · Dec 31, 2010, 06:45 AM

Ok, I am new to this, but, here is my problem. I have been dating a guy for almost 4 yrs. After the second yr. he admits to me that, he has had sex with 2 guys. I instantly was upset. But, here is almost 4 yrs. And I still feel he is gay. Here is reasons.
He doesn't show me public affection.
He doesn't want to have sex with me hardly ever and if I don't ask for it, well he is fine.
I have found gay porn on my computer and found him getting off to gay porn.
Now, I just need help to get away from this. I love this man almost, more then myself.
I just can't keep on living a lie. This has me so confused. I wonder when we do have sex, is he thinking of a guy. Because he don't touch me, kiss me or anything a couple do during sex. I feel betrayed by him. What do I do? I can't keep letting him continue to use me as a comfort zone or cover up. Please help!

Fr_Chuck · Dec 31, 2010, 07:14 AM

I guess where I look, is he cheating, does not matter with men or women, or is he being faithful. If you read here you will find many issues where men don't like to show their feelings, or have issues with sex because of all types of porn.

There needs to be real communication with this.

Cat1864 · Dec 31, 2010, 07:16 AM

End the confusion by talking with him. He is the only one who can tell you what his sexuality is and explain why he does or doesn't do certain things. If the discussion seems to be getting overly-emotional, take a break to calm down. You don't want either of you feeling defensive about your feelings or needs. It only leads to miscommunication and blaming each other.

Be honest with him about your concerns and listen to him when he expresses his. You are going to have to work together to build the relationship (that includes intimacy) or realize that you are aren't the right people for each other.

That said, if you are feeling 'betrayed', then things might already be beyond 'fixing'. It is difficult to let go of a strong emotion such as betrayal and not allow it to influence the relationship. Trust in all its forms is very important in a relationship. If you don't trust that he loves/cares about you, then it may be time to let go, heal and move on.

CONFUSED76 · Dec 31, 2010, 07:58 AM

So, do I just leave? Because, there is no way we will talk about his sexuality. He will say I am starting crap. I want to cry because maybe I know,I have got to break up with him.

CONFUSED76 · Dec 31, 2010, 08:01 AM

Your not the first person to ask if he is cheating. I don't know. I agree we need to talk but, that's not going to happen with him. Could he have just lost interest in me? If so, do I just pack and go?

jenniepepsi · Dec 31, 2010, 09:38 AM

After your replies yes I say leave him. If you try to start a conversation with him about sex and he acts like an immature teen with his feelings stuck out, then its time to move on and find someone more mature. You have been together 4 years, has he grown or matured in ANY way in those 4 years? Or is he stuck in teen years?

(also we need to know how old you are hon)

CONFUSED76 · Dec 31, 2010, 10:41 AM

Well, I am 34 and he does get upset every time I try to talk to him. I feel he hasn't matured at all. He is 30. I Know I have to leave. It's just hard. Because, I know we well never be happy together. Thanks

jenniepepsi · Dec 31, 2010, 10:57 AM

Good luck hon. I know how it feels to need to leave a man who won't mature past 16 even into his 30s.

talaniman · Jan 2, 2011, 01:01 PM

Leave and get a better partner, and let him figure out what he is himself.

It's a lousy partner who can't even talk honestly with his partner.