[Arch89]

I'm going to try to make this short, concise and straight to the point. Hopefully someone will be able to address my problem.

Knew her for about 3 months. We hang out, chill, have dinner/lunch together , etc. No sex but just plain hit the shoulder and poke each other. I dated her just like any other women. She has a boyfriend and already in relationship for 3 years. She shared a lot about her life to me, while I myself try not to disclose much information as I can. One thing, she lights up every single time we meet up. She's being herself and we're happy with each other company. We share the same goals and moral values. She like the fact that though I'm 21 and she's 23, I'm quite matured already for my age based on my thoughts, actions and gestures.

Why I pursue?
- Cause her boyfriend is getting her all dull and boring. Bf is not appreciating the love she's giving all the while
- She's a total 10 (Maturity, Looks, Body, and etc)

My insecurities:
- I'm 21 and she's 23. How would she ever lowered her standard for someone like me I wonder...
- She's with the boyfriend for 3 years. It'll take lotsa effort to break that chain

I read:
- Women who are in relationship are off limits to everyone. Have some respect for yourself and the relationship of hers

People tell me to:
- Let her go, for she's already in a relationship. You don't want to come across as a girlfriend stealer
- Avoid the dramas you're going to go through with her friends and people around you

What I planned to:
- If she breaks up with the boyfriend, it will be a natural one and not because of me
- Continue chasing after her, but slow and steady. Continue playing my cards well

I need help in:
- Is this the right thing to do?
- Why do I feel like I have a chance with her when she's already in a relationship?
- The best expertise that you can give for my situation. Thanks

[joypulv]

I see 3 basic scenarios in situations like this:
Continue to hang out and listen and wait and be available if she breaks up with him.
Tell her how you feel and say you just had to get it off your mind, but will continue as is if that's what she wants.
Tell her how you feel and say you can't spend time with her anymore because it's too painful and to let you know if she wants you.
Many people want to find someone before they break up with the one they have, so she may be waiting for you to give a little romantic clue. It's always risky though, so take time to think of a way to do it.
BTW get her off that pedestal. What's this wondering why she's lowering her standards for you? And 2 years age difference is nothing by the time you hit 21.

[I wish]

Have you read this thread for insights? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ip-463250.html

Someone else is going through a similar situation: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...oo-526122.html

[Arch89]

Yeap, I went through the first thread for some insights already. I do not want to make a confession, but is there anyway for me to express some clues so that she knows that I'm interested. Confession = Wussy = Balls goes to her court = Heartbreak.

[Arch89]

Romantic clue. Sounds like a great idea. But I fear most is that she doesn't feels the same for me. Do I have to go through this shyte pain if it doesn't work out?

Every girl is one chance thingy. I want to give the best shot, something strong.

[Enigma1999]

"People tell me to:
- Let her go, for she's already in a relationship. You don't wanna come across as a girlfriend stealer
- Avoid the dramas you're gonna go through with her friends and people around you"


Ding ding ding ding ding.

We have a winner here. Your friends are correct. They know you better than any of us and they are trying to save you from guilt, pain, or what have you.

She belongs to someone else. It doesn't matter what you think of the boyfriend, either being dull or boring. Obviously there is something about him that does it for her that she has been with him for 3 years.

Say the tables were turned and you were with a girl, and some other guy thought less of you and wanted her. How would that make you feel?

She may be a great gal, but she is with someone.

NOW, if they do break up, then in time AFTER she is done healing from that relationship, well then, pursue her.

Until then, let it be and just be friends with her without the chasing or letting her know your feelings.

Does that make sense?

[Arch89]

One thing, would someone ever hold on to a relationship until he/she finds someone better? Ok, what about giving her hints then dun mentioned the topic anymore. One time off like "U r a great girl, I wish you were single". End of story period.

[I wish]

Actually, confusion shows that you're brave enough to face the consequences of your actions.

Not confessing may only lead to more confusion because you are dragging out the whole process. If you're not ready to confess, then all you can do is keep getting to know her better and make them of the time that you spend together. Be patient and respectful. Maybe she will break up and then you might have a chance.

Unfortunately, since she has a boyfriend, nor matter what you do, you're stepping on someone else's garden. The longer you drag this out, the more you're stepping in the garden. But by confessing, you're leaving the ball on her side of the court and you don't need to step on anyone's garden anymore. You can just go do your own thing.

The third option is to just leave her alone altogether. Unless she breaks up with her boyfriend, nothing can happen between the two of you.

As for trying to throw her hints here and there, that just looks like you're playing mind games instead of being straight up. It might depend on the girl, but I suspect she may rather you be straight up instead of playing games with her. If she has feelings for you, then you will have a chance, but if she doesn't, then you're going to get rejected nor matter how you play the game anyway.

[Enigma1999]

"One thing, would someone ever hold on to a relationship until he/she finds someone better? Ok, what about giving her hints then dun mentioned the topic anymore. One time off like "You are a great girl, I wish you were single". End of story period."

To your first question: Yes. There are some people who DO hold on to something until they find something better. Some people don't.

Second question: You could do that, BUT, you might run that risk of her feeling weirdness after. Then again, like others have stated, she will know and the ball will be in her park.

You have to be smart about this. It's not like she is single and you are like " Hey, how's it goin?"

You don't want to lose her all together. It does sound as if there is a great connection between the two of you. Is it friendship on her part, or something more? Could there be a potential romance here? I don't know. I know how YOU feel. I just don't know how she feels.

I would play it by ear for now. See what happens with the boyfriend.

I did want to ask, what does she say about her boyfriend?

[Cat1864]

Since, I think you are looking for permission to tell her how you feel, I am going to caution you that 'what goes around, does come around'.

You say that you 'dated' her like any other woman for three months. Where has her boyfriend been while she has been 'dating' you? It certainly sounds like she is cheating on someone. Emotionally if not physically. That doesn't bode well for her future fidelity. IF she really isn't happy, she has a duty to herself to get out and move on before she saddles someone else with her baggage no matter how willing he is to carry it for her.

Her current relationship probably didn't start as you see it now. No relationship ever stays the same way it starts. They change as the individuals that make up the couple change. Either the couple adapts to the changes and works to keep the relationship growing or they let it slide into a rut and expect it to survive without being nurtured. It takes both people to keep a relationship growing strong. When people find it easier to leave a relationship than work on it, there is a greater chance they may desert the next one at the first sign of stagnation. They don't see the profit in putting hard work into something they see as transitory. It's a slippery slope sliding from one relationship into another one. There's usually another one in sight when the current one needs upkeep.

Be smart and take a step back. You have known her for three months. That is a fraction of the three years he has dealt with her. There may be a lot more to her personality and make up that you haven't seen yet. She may have a habit of playing with new men every so often. Her 'openness' might mask the darker aspects that she hasn't shared or you haven't put together.

[Arch89]

- She's the one always fighting for her relationship and the boyfriend does nothing
- The boyfriend never understands her because she is his first, he knows nthing about her pain/past
- Hwver, the boyfriend has pulled her through hard times. Tht's why she's holding on

[Arch89]

"Keep getting to know her better and make them of the time that you spend together. Be patient and respectful". Can I just resort to this? I don't want to lose her... really. Ill get myself bz just to avoid being insecure/emotionally attached.

[I wish]

If you keep spending time with her the way you have, then you will either become the guy that she cheats with (emotionnally physically) or you become the shoulder to lean on and you will be stuck in the friends zone. Either way, it's going to suck for you. If she cheats on her boyfriend to be with you, what does that say about her?

If you really want to have an opportunity with her, then you can either let her know how you feel, leave the ball on her side of the court and go do your own thing while she decides what to do. The other option is to keep some distance and be patient.

The last point I would like to make is, if it was so easy for you to pry her away from this relationship to be with you, then don't you think that it would be just as easy for someone else to pry her away from you?

[Arch89]

Guys, thanks a lot for the reply. It really helped me a lot. I think I'm going to take a step back before I go down any deeper. First thing first, I've made a mistake by going after this girl even though she has a boyfriend. I'm becoming more emotionally attached every single time we meet up. I can't sleep or eat. I guess I'd rather avoid contacts with her than going through the confession. I'm afraid that I did not build enough attraction to deliver that trump card of mine. Since I'm going to go through pain again, I think I should keep the feelings to myself and let it fade away. Maybe someday, I will have another shot in life with her...

P.s: I really wished I could turn back time and not go after her. What was I thinking... T.T

[I wish]

A good way to get over her is to go 100% no contact. The less contact you have with her, the less material you have to over-analyze. Check out the no contact related threads in my signature for insights.

[Arch89]

All right guys, I need your help in putting myself all back together again. This post is related to my previous topic submitted: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/dating-girl-who-has-boyfriend-526941.html

Scenario:
We hang out one night,assuming that it's going to be the last. We played, cuddled, poke each other and etc throughout the night. She was tagging in along, but I didn't know she was testing me that night. We had fun together and after all that, this is what she replied me after I dropped her.

"Thank you dude. You've always been there for me sad or happy. I wish I could be there for you too. Hope you're getting more relaxed after the slight massage. Sorry I brought you out till so late. I know your priorities so I'm feeling sorry now. No more next time. Promise. Goodnites and take care"

I got heartbroken, I know. I should not have gone too far with her. She may have read all my intentions already that night. I plan to stay back in the game by saying something like

"Hey, look. I'm sorry for touching you and etc that night knowing that you have a boyfriend. I apologize for my actions. It won't happen again. If we were to hang out again next round when you're all comfortable, it's gonna pose no harm to you"

I do not know what is the best thing I could do now. Deep down she has feelings for me, I do know that. But because it's difficult for her to drop that 3 years relationship, that's why she has to say those things.

I need help in
- Coming across as someone with strong personality by tackling this problem correctly without any awkward situations.
- Maintain my attractions in her
- Keep me away from bleeding
- The best that I could do that she will think "He really knows what he's doing, and he did it all well".
- The best that I can do for my situation. Thanks a lot experts! T.T

[kctiger]

I need help in
- Coming across as someone with strong personality by tackling this problem correctly without any awkward situations.
- Maintain my attractions in her
- Keep me away from bleeding
- The best that I could do that she will think "He really knows what he's doing, and he did it all well".
- The best that I can do for my situation. Thanks a lot experts! T.T

It's not really my place to say this, but next time I'd recommend posting this "update" in the same thread you had originally to maintain structure.

As for your questions above, you maintain your composure and come across as someone with a strong personality by having self confidence. That means staying away from a girl with a boyfriend and no matter what, always acting in control of your emotions in front of her, or others you have feelings for.

We have all gone through this, having feelings for girls we CANNOT have. Personally, I walk away once I know it can't/won't happen. I have the self confidence to know I can find another girl. There are a billion fish in the sea, and as stupid and cliché as that sounds, you need to act like you know this. If she wants me, she knows how to get ahold of me. Other than that, I walk away, head held high and with no sad pity face or upset mood.

The best thing you can do? Respect her relationship and quit acting like you can control your emotions. The ONLY reason you want to be around her is because you want a romance to blossom. That isn't fair to either of you. You can say all the words you want and dress things up all fancy like, but it's your actions that define you and your character.

[dafugitive]

How did your situation turn out? I was in the same situation and now I regret digging my own grave. My problem is that she still with her boyfriend and I get to bang her. It been 3 months together with her, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend. This relationship or whatever is draining my money, energy, time... etc. Most of all headache because she kept talking about her ex.
One time that piss me off is that she kept saying things are not the same as before. She not having fun with me, because my attitude change... etc. I have a temper problem and whatever comes into my head I says it. Yes and I say some stupid stuff and make her sound really bad. Anyway, things are not the same anymore. She doesn't call me as much. Maybe because she went out to dinner with her ex a few nights ago. Hmmm yeah for future reference DO NOT START. If you know or find out she have a boyfriend, walk away. Save yourself some trouble and headache. Maybe I started because I wanted sex. I don't know but the last 3 girls I have dated all had boyfriends. Maybe I'm cursed ****kk when am I ever going to find a good girl.

[Cat1864]

dafugitive, if you would like advice on your own issues, please ask your own question. We will be happy to give you what guidance we can.