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View Poll Results: Have you ever managed to start a relationship with someone who was already taken?

Voters
26. You may not vote on this poll
  • No! I never confessed my feelings because I was scared of rejection.

    1 3.85%
  • No! I never confessed my feelings because I rather preserve the friendship.

    7 26.92%
  • No! I confessed my feelings, but he/she did not feel the same way.

    3 11.54%
  • No! I would never be able to trust them.

    3 11.54%
  • No! I regret not making a move and now I have no chance.

    1 3.85%
  • Yes! He/she cheated on their boyfriend or girlfriend to be with me.

    5 19.23%
  • Yes! We got together, but we broke up in LESS than 1 year.

    3 11.54%
  • Yes! We got together, but we broke up after MORE than 1 year.

    1 3.85%
  • Yes! We got together and we getting married or married.

    2 7.69%
  • Yes! We got together and got married, but we are getting or got a divorce.

    0 0%
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
    Family & People Expert
     
    #1

    Apr 7, 2010, 12:23 PM
    Guidlines: What do I do if the person I like is already in a relationship?
    Many have fallen into the situation where one person has a major crush on another person, but that person is already in a relationship. Every one has their own approach. Some would say: “If they are taken, then stay away, find someone else, off limits, plenty of fish in the sea, etc.” Unfortunately, it's not always that easy. We can't just wash away our feelings and pretend that they never existed. So what do we do?

    Here are some pointers

    A friendship initially develops with the other person. That friendship can lead to romantic feelings. Once the romantic feelings have developed, we might bash our heads into the wall wondering what to do next. We know the person is taken, but we can't help but want to confess our feelings. We weigh the pros and cons. In the meantime, the feelings can get stronger. Why can't the person just break up and be with me? We ask.

    Unfortunately, if the person is already in a romantic relationship, nor matter what angle, justification or perspective we approach it, the person is still off-limits. We are not boyfriend/girlfiend stealers. We have integrity. We have to respect the relationship. Do we really want to start a relationship knowing that we took the person from someone else? It doesn't sound like a very romantic way to start a relationship. There will constantly be mistrust issues.

    Eventually, we come to a crossroad. The feelings are too strong and we have to make a decision. To confess or not to confess? That is the question.

    If we don't confess

    Some people are capable of handling a friendship, even though they have feelings for the other person. For those who can't handle it, the choice would be to ignore the other person until our feelings have gone away, so that we don't drag the pain out anymore. Once our feelings have gone away, we can potentially have a simple friendship. If we choose this path, it's better to go 100% no contact so that we don't overanalyze all the conversations or hang on to false hope. As long as we still have feelings, we will have trouble moving on with our lives. A useful tool to help us heal from these feelings is no contact: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-425290.html

    Sometimes, it's easier said than done to give up on the other person. So maybe it's better to fess up?

    If we confess

    Take a risk. See what happens.

    If the person was true to his/her relationship, the person would reject our feelings and we're placed in a awkward situation. Worst case scenario, you end up alienating each other and may never be able to be friends again. This becomes especially complicated if you are co-workers or have mutual friends. So be prepared to face the possible consequences of your actions.

    There's always that chance that the other person also has feelings for us as well. Ideally, they would break up with the other person and be with us. If that happens, that would mean:

    Warning: If the person had feelings for you, that means that he or she has been emotionally cheating all along. So what next? He or she cheats to be with us? He or she breaks up with their significant other to be with us? If the person can break up so easily, how easy do you think it would be for them to break up with us to be with someone else? What does that say about the other person? Are we ready for that type of insecurity? Can we trust them?

    One thing to consider is that once we've reached the point where we want to confess our feelings, it means that the other person must have given us some signs that he or she also has feelings for us. Therein lies the HUGE problem. The expectations that we've created is a sense of false hope. We're so fixated on the assumption that the other person has feelings for us as well. That would be setting ourselves up for disappointment. Unfortunately, that's unhealthy behavior.

    If the other person doesn't give you an answer right away, then back off. The ball is already in their side of the court after you've confessed your feelings. Focus on doing your own thing so that you don't dwell what's going on in the other person's mind.

    Remember to strike a balance between giving space and touching base, because in some cases, ignoring the other person can work against us because it seems like you already gave up. Striking a balance would mean to keep in touch by whatever means he or she is comfortable with, for the purpose of continuing to get to know each other naturally. Also remember not to put pressure on the other person to give you an answer.

    CHANCE #1: If they break up and want to be with you, it's best to give them some time to heal from the break up before starting a new relationship. You don't want to be the rebound nor the reason they broke up. Besides, that's not a very romantic way to start a relationship.

    The third path

    Why not wait it out? See what happens? Maybe the other person will break up naturally and we can be together. If we really liked the other person, we would wait right? Patience will pay off?

    CHANCE #2: There are no guarantees that this would happen. But if we hang around long enough, maybe they would break up naturally. Spend some time to recover from the break up and then naturally start a new relationship with us. In this case, our patience would really pay off.

    Unfortunately, there's no right or wrong answer. Only consequences. This approach would entale for us to put our lives on hold. We would be waiting for something that may never happen. How long do we wait? How is that fair to us?

    The answer is: It depends. Every person is going to take a different amount of time before they give up. When we're ready to give up, a useful tool is the no contact rules to help us heal from these feelings: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-425290.html

    Conclusion

    Keep in mind there's never a right or wrong approach. There's no good or bad approach, only consequences. What consequences are you prepared to face?


    Hopefully I won't get too much bashing for not enforcing the fact that taken = off limits nor matter what.

    I really do feel for those who are in this situation, as I have been as well. Hopefully these pointers will help guide you to make your decision.
    lucasc130's Avatar
    lucasc130 Posts: 11, Reputation: 7
    New Member
     
    #2

    Apr 7, 2010, 06:19 PM

    FINALLY! Some real advice. I was getting tired of the. "SORRY , OFF LIMITS". Great topic great great. Thank you!
    Newguy2009's Avatar
    Newguy2009 Posts: 183, Reputation: 57
    Junior Member
     
    #3

    Apr 9, 2010, 06:03 AM

    Outstanding!!
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
    Family & People Expert
     
    #4

    Apr 20, 2010, 10:46 AM
    POLL ADDED

    The poll is directed for the result. Those of you who are still in the process, hopefully you will come back to update the results in the poll.

    I hope that the poll will provide some idea on what the trend is like out there.
    batman76's Avatar
    batman76 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    May 7, 2010, 04:11 PM
    So are you still waiting for that girl?
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
    Family & People Expert
     
    #6

    May 9, 2010, 02:58 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by batman76 View Post
    so are you still waiting for that girl?
    Short answer: No

    Here's the story: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...nd-319890.html
    evelyn1989's Avatar
    evelyn1989 Posts: 31, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #7

    May 14, 2010, 01:23 AM

    Thanks for the tips! I once liked a guy who showed immense interest in me, asked me out and things, only to have him do a 180-degree turn and said he had a girlfriend.

    I found out their relationship was really just for fun and they were never a real thing, but more like a frens with benefits, open relationship thing. They broke up shortly after he went to the army. No surprises there. Such "fun" relationships rarely work out.

    Now I can smell a two timing guy from a mile away. I have this dude to thank for that ;)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #8

    May 14, 2010, 03:33 PM

    Why take from someone else when you can have your own. There are limits, and boundary lines, you just don't cross. Its not worth the drama at all.

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