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missieadkins · Nov 6, 2010, 09:59 AM

I married a man who has a son, I have 3 daughters . All of them are over the age of 18. My daughter, who is hearing impaired and behind others her age lives with us and has for 3 years. My step-son is now back living in the house after being kicked out a year ago for calling me names(extremely bad) and his father not doing anything about it until I told him I was leaving unless he did something about it. This 'man' my step-son, since he is almost 22 yeaars old does not have a job and thinks if he throws a big enough fit his dad will give in calls me names and verbally abuses me on a daily basis. I have tried sitting him down and talking to him, but all I get are lies out of him. He thinks he needs to lie about everything. His dad won't do anything about it except yell at him and threaten to kick him out. It is causing quite a strain on our relationship. When my husband is telling my daughter she did something wrong I am right beside him about it but when I am telling his son he did something wrong he jumps to defend him. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. I am a born again Christian so I won't divorce my husband but I have been seriously thinking about leaving him. Someone please help. Don't get me wrong my daughter will argue if she feels she is right but she does not call myself or my husband names and she does not have the everyday fits like my step-son. Every other word out of his mouth is a cuss word. I just don't know what to do.

Vando · Nov 6, 2010, 10:07 AM

I don't mean to get into your business but is your husband similar to the step son?

DoulaLC · Nov 6, 2010, 01:35 PM

I'd talk with your husband first and explain the situation again. If that does not foster any change in a timely manner, I would then get your step-son and husband together and have a family chat.

Calmly explain that you are no longer going to put up with being disrespected, and called names. Such harassment, on a daily basis no less, is harmful to the entire family. You expect a family that is considerate of each other and speaks politely to each other. As Vando asked... is your husband the same way when he is angry?

Regardless, personally, I would suggest to them that the family go to counseling if help is needed to make changes with how everyone interacts, give a time limit for step-son to find a job and, in the meantime, make some dramatic changes in behavior or I would take my daughter and leave. You could separate for awhile and see if things change and make any lasting decisions if necessary.

By the way, being a Christian does not mean you can't divorce.

Alty · Nov 6, 2010, 02:23 PM

Your step son is not a child, he's an adult, and he should show some respect for the people that put a roof over his head and food into his stomach.

I agree with Doula that it's time for a family meeting. I would talk to your husband first, calmly tell him that you've had enough, that this is your home too, that you shouldn't have to put up with abuse from an adult that is sponging off you.

Than I'd have the family meeting. Make it clear to the step son that as an adult he doesn't have a right to be supported by his parents, so he better show some respect for the people that are feeding him and giving him a home. He's 22, he's not a child, and he needs to start acting like an adult, otherwise I'd treat him like one and throw him out, let him fend for himself.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You shouldn't have to. It's time that your husband stood up for you and the step son learned his place.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 6, 2010, 04:39 PM

Explain that he and his son can live somewhere else if you are not resepected.

Also I have a question also, how does the husband treat you, does he do similar to the son ?

Jake2008 · Nov 6, 2010, 09:00 PM

I don't understand why, when you allowed him back into your home after a year, that there weren't some clear boundaries, expectations, and consequences in place.

It is hard to go backward, after the fact, when he seems to have just jumped right into his old patterns of behaviour.

Sounds to me like 'divide and conquer' is going on here. He has his father on his side, with you on the other side, floundering on your own. Neither of them are showing you any due respect as a human being, and as a mother, wife and step mother.

What you choose to accept is up to you of course, but should you insist on family counselling, be prepared to balance that with consequences, should both your husband, and your step son either refuse to attend, or do not make a sincere effort to improve the state of the household.

Without direct, equal support and a united front with your husband, this adult child will continue to rule the roost, and the lives of everyone living within it.

I'm wondering too if counselling for both you and your husband might clear the air, and allow for better planning together.

missieadkins · Nov 7, 2010, 03:41 AM

Actually no my husband is the exact oppisite, he just won't do anything about what his son does or says.

When his mother , my step-sons, said he needed to come stay again we told him the rules he has just chosen not to follow them. My hhusband thinks that we should treat both the kids the same, my daughter and my step-son, even though they don't act the same and have totally different personalities. I have tried everything but counseling, which I am sorry to say I cannot afford. Thank you all for the advice.

smearcase · Nov 7, 2010, 05:16 AM

There is one thing that is 90% certain--the situation will not improve as long as the young man is in the house. Counseling is always worth a try, but the parties have to be willing to change and I don't think they are in this case.
I have a gut feeling that there are some things going on in this young man's life that you haven't told us about or possibly that you don't even know about. I won't speculate but you have a right to.
Don't wait until the verbal abuse affects your health or until the verbal becomes physical.
If you can't find the root cause of your step-son's behavior and solve that underlying problem and/or continue to get no help from your husband--leave by some means. I feel certain that there are groups that will help you if they hear your story.

DoulaLC · Nov 7, 2010, 05:18 AM

Treat them the same how? Is your daughter allowed to call you names and be disrespectful as well? How old is your daughter and does she work or go to school? Other than being hearing impaired, which means nothing in what the expectations for behavior would be, is she mentally younger than her age?
What does your husband say about the way your step-son treats you?
What does your stepson say when you tell him that calling you names and being disrespectful are not acceptable in YOUR house?
Of counseling is not an option, although you can often find it available on a sliding scale or it may be available through your or your husband's work place, then call a family meeting and get this out in the open to be discussed by everyone at the same time.

Jake2008 · Nov 7, 2010, 07:52 AM

I'd say it is fair to say that both his parents are not doing enough. His mother I presume, couldn't handle him, and sent him back to his father (and you), and his father can't handle him because he chooses not to. You are the only one trying to get people on track here.

His father is not subject to the abuse, you are. And his father does not back you up, or enforce any consequences for the way he treats you. Why he chooss to put up with the behaviour that is right in front of his eyes isn't likely new behaviour for him. Or the adut child's mother. The two of them have contributed to how out of control he is, and it didn't happen overnight.

Is it possible that this kids mother is enforcing consequence, in that if he behaves toward her the way he does to you, he had to leave her home? And is it possible as I said in an earlier post, that now that he is where he wants to be (by design or by accident), that you are seen as a roadblock, causing trouble for him and his goal of not having to grow up?

I really feel sorry for you that you are stuck in this position. No changes from your husband to help, no expectation of his son to change, and his mother that is out of the picture for whatever reason.

I doubt that you anticipated your life to be the way it is right now. And it is a shame that there isn't anything you can enforce by way of consequence, for the son, or expectation, of your husband.

Short of leaving, which I don't know if you have considered or not, or counselling, I am sadly out of suggesting options for you. The only thing I can say is, it may be time to plan a healthier future and a more stable home for just you and your daughter.

talaniman · Nov 7, 2010, 10:39 AM

As a father the bad behavior of my son would not be tolerated, and he would have to go, AGAIN! He is an adult, and if stays in my house my rules would have to be obeyed.

For whatever reason your husband has not stepped up to enforce his own rules, then your options are narrowed to leaving this situation, or changing it drastically.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but your husband may be a great guy, but being disrespected by another adult in your own home is unacceptable, and the time for talk is long over, and positive actions needs to be taken by you both.

Parenting is forever, disrespect is NOT. He had his second chance and blew it. There has to be consequences, or their will be no changes. He can always join the army you know.

smearcase · Nov 7, 2010, 11:07 AM

I was thinking military for this young man also. But I wonder if the reason for his behavior may keep him out even if he was agreeable to enlisting.

I was surprised to find this fairly recent article on recruiting success.
In Downturn, Military Reports Historic Recruiting Success - washingtonpost.com

Other articles (not enclosed) talk about stricter standards. I am biased by some recent personal experience (a fairly young male relative kept his bad habits unknown to his family for about ten years-looking back now some similar behavior is clearly explained) but I think there is something going on with this young man that is producing this behavior. Where does he spend all of his time and who are his friends? The young man I knew had many acquaintenances but in retrospect--he had NO friends.

JMBD423 · Dec 22, 2010, 05:08 PM

I am going through the same thing.. which is how I found your post. My heart breaks for you, as I deeply know what you are going through. It is beyond affecting my relationship with his father.. And the stepson loves every minute that his father and I argue about him. He gets this crazed insane happy look, it creeps me out. I do not have any advice, but please know you are not alone.