[kingjim103]

I have recently found myself having strong feelings for a friend. I have known her for around 5 years and we have always been in regular contact. I guess I've always had a bit of a crush on her.
I got out of a 3 year relationship around 6 months ago, around the same time she got out of a serious relationship herself. We've become close since then, helping each other by talking about our respective break-up's etc. During this time, I realised I was falling for her, but I didn't allow myself to act on my feelings. I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship and a rebound would almost certainly have cost us our friendship. However, I am now feeling much better re. my ex and I feel like I have got over her. Do I now act on my feelings? I am scared of being rejected, I don't want to lose a friend, and to be honest I really don't know how to go about telling her of my feelings! But at the same time, I don't want to look back and regret not taking a chance. And advice?

[VRon1]

What a pickle.
I would act on the feelings with words not actions. If she doesn't feel the same take some time off, reflect, and call her up some time to hang out. She will definitely not turn that down.

[talaniman]

You both have past hurt in common, but neither of you has unpacked your baggage, and healed so rather than being a feel good, needy rebound, stay friends, and keep help each other through hard times, that's what friends are for, not a quick, and easy romance.

I don't think you should act on the feelings you have now because its probably more being comforted, and grateful, rather than love. Yes it could destroy a beautiful friendship. Let more dust settle, and be honest with each other, as that what friends are about, but recognize you both are still in a weak, and vulnerable place.

What's the hurry, you're friends, why regret impulsive actions, when your feelings though intense, and strong at the moment, are not defined, nor do you know if they are shared.

That's always a danger after a break up, latching on to one person, and not being socially balanced with other things that you enjoy doing. Easy to fall for someone who gives you the personal attention you lost before.

[I wish]

At this point, it sounds more like you're on the rebound. You just want someone to fill the void that was left by your ex girlfriend and this girl has been there for you, so she would make the most sense.

But in reality, so far, you've only been each other's shoulder to cry on. I suggest you try to change the nature of your friendship with her into a type where you see each other to hang out and to have fun. You haven't really done any of the courting that you would have normally done had you not just went through a break up.

Let's see how the courting goes before you go confessing your feelings.

[kingjim103]

Thanks for your opinions. I think I need to clarify. We have been friends for a long time, and our friendship was based on hanging out with other friends, clubbing, having fun etc. We never really spoke about too much personal stuff. After we both went through break-ups, we did talk on an emotional level, but we have carried on our friendship in terms of hanging out and having fun. I feel like my life is good right now, I have a lot of friends in different social circles, and I would say its well balanced. I think about my ex occasionally, but I know we broke up for good reason, and I have no desire to get her back.

I understand that it sounds like Im looking for a rebound, but in truth I feel more like I should have told this girl how I fell a long time ago, before my last relationship. These are feelings I have had for years. The more I see her, the stronger they get.

What worries me most is what will become of our friendship if she doesn't feel the same way. I feel confident that, if these feelings were mutual, we would have a good chance of a successful relationship. I guess I'm trying to say that I don't think this would just be a rebound. I don't feel like Im in a bad place, or that I'm lonely, or that I'm missing my ex, I just feel like we could be really good together

[I wish]

If that's the case, then why not court her just like how you would court any other girl. Go on a few dates, as opposed to clubbing, and see how that goes.

Let's see how things turn out when you two are placed in a romantic setting as opposed to a friendly situation.

[talaniman]

I have to be honest, you were singing a different tune just 4 months ago. And I worry you may be rushing it a bit, although you have made some great progress from what you have written.

Talaniman Rule- Give yourself 6 months of dating and getting to know someone, before you decide together to be DATING EXCLUSIVELY, and having fun getting to know each other.

That's just me though, but I was never one to rush about anything. Only you know what you have been through, and what risk you are prepared to take. Just curious though, how long has she been single? Where is she in her healing? Do you already go out as friends, just the two of you.

[kingjim103]

I know I may be rushing it a bit, that's why I haven't acted yet I suppose. And I was in a bad way a few months ago, but I've made some pretty big changes since then. I have been single just under 6 months. She has been single around 8 months. So she has always been a bit ahead of me in terms of healing. She has had no contact with her ex since they broke up, and she says she is over him. We've been out a few times, just the two of us, but the majority of the time we see each other its as part of a group

[I wish]

Well, if you've already known each other for 5 years, you can basically skip the first 20 dates. At this point, it's a matter of whether she feels the same way about you and whether it's the right timing (i.e. whether you both healed from your previous relationships).

If you feel you're ready to go, then what's the problem? If you're only scared of rejection and losing her as a friend, then that's a consequence you have to deal with.

You have to decide, is a friendship more important or the possibily of having a romantic relationship with her more important to you?

Though she may not feel the same way about you, it's still possible to have a friendship. Because in a way, by telling each other how you feel, you can clear the air and move forward without wondering what the other person is thinking.

[kingjim103]

I think the possibility of an amazing romantic relationship makes it worth the risk. And although our friendship may be difficult for a while, I think we could stay friends whether she feels the same way or not.
Thanks for your help guys!

[I wish]

Though you might not be rushing your actions, you are rushing your feelings. You might not have completely recovered from your previous relationship, because it seems like you're in a hurry, emotionally, to fill that emotional void that your ex has left.

But if you say that you're actually ready to take the next step with her, then let us know what happens!

[talaniman]

I have to agree with I wish, as this seems a build up to an event rather than a natural flow to the next level. What's the hurry??

[kingjim103]

What do you mean when you say "a build up to an event rather than a natural flow to the next level." Talaniman? I don't really understand this.

I wouldn't say there is a hurry as such, just that I have waited on things like this before, and missed opportunities. If I don't act, and she meets someone else, I would regret not acting right? Also, if she doesn't feel the same way, then at least I can put this behind me and move on.

I haven't decided what I am going to do yet, but I am increasingly leaning towards telling her how I feel, purely because I don't want to look back with regret.

[talaniman]

Maybe its more a style than a procedure, but instead of confessing your feelings and waiting for an answer I would be paying attention to how she reacts to being asked on a couples date. But your there and I'm here so you would know best how to proceed.

[I wish]

Tal beat me to it.

I'm not sure how you plan on confessing, but just calling her up to tell her might not be the best way to go. How about asking her on a date to a romantic setting. See if she's even willing to come out. Then see if she made an effort to dress up to look nice for you (let her know ahead of time that it's going to be a nice restaurant or something). Then see how the date goes. If by the end of the date, you get a good feeling from her, then you have the green light.

Don't you think it would be nicer to start a relationship after a romantic date, rather than an impulsive confession?

[kingjim103]

Yeah I wasn't planning a full-on confession of my feelings. If I decide to try anything, it'll be to ask her out for a few drinks or a meal, and make it clear that I mean just the two of us, see how she reacts and I guess I've got my answer.

Anyway, I'm going to give myself at least a week before I do anything, so I can be sure about any decision I make. Thanks for your advice I Wish and Tal! You've been very helpful!

[marni1234]

I would look for clues like if you two laugh a lot she gets a little nervous and exited when you come and she's close to you most of the time and when she has the chances. if she's doing something similar to that then take a chance and make thew first move. Don't hide your feelings because if she likes you and she doesn't see and feel that you like her shel just back up. My advice just take a chance that's what lifes for.