[josh284]

Well... were to start. I moved out to California from Idaho for my job that was supposed to be temporary... never really liked it out here but met a girl and things fell into place and we fell in love... she ended up getting pregnant and we had a boy whom is almost 2 yrs. Old and means everything to me. I ended up buying a nice house for us when she was pregnant up by her parents house so she would have family close by which happens to be out in the sticks and I left all my friends about 40 minutes away for her. Bought her a new 750 beemer last year to drive because I thought it was a pretty sweet car, perfect for road trips and very safe... I guess I should also get out that I'm 30yrs. Old and she's 22 now. I've never really seen age be an issue and actually thought she was much older based on her maturity and looks.. (very attractive). Anyway... we've been living in this house for almost two years (moved in the day before my son was born) and she has been a stay at home mom and I work from home so we were constantly around one another 24x7. It was great to see her and my son all day but at times I think we got sick of one another. I told her that she needed to do things and get out of the house because she seemed depressed and maybe even go talk to someone.. As of about 2 months ago, she started going out a lot more with her friends whom are all single and party a lot. She didn't call me one night to tell me she wasn't coming home and I got a text in the morning that she'd be home at 8am.. well she didn't walk through the door until 2pm the next day and said sorry that her and her friend were hung over.. woke up ate something watched a movie and fell asleep. For awhile I had thought she was lying until just yesterday her friend reached out to me and I asked her. Anyway... back when it happened I told her if she's not going to respect me and communicate with me then this isn't going to work... she said well I'm 22 and still like to go out with my girlfriends and stay with them every now and then like she always used to do before our son. I told her we're a family now and she needs to respect me or she should move out... well, she did. She moved out and then I went into panic mode... trying to tell her she needs to come home and doesn't need to be living at her parents house. She said she just needed space. Well.. I tried doing little things to show her I cared and even brought her over some flowers saying that we need to work this out as a family... she said in the relationship I never showed her enough affection and she doesn't want to work it out.. I continued on chasing her even though I was told by friends don't do it.. her sister convinced me to do something big to bring the love back because she was telling me she's not in love with me but still loves me. So I bought a ton of candles.. 4 dozen roses and made a colloge of why I love her.. I had the candles lit from her window up to their pool area and threw rocks at her window and she came out.. followed the trail up to the pool and was mad at me.. said what the f_ck are you doing and why couldn't you show me this stuff when we were together. I was heartbroken... Then when I was at my buddies he asked why she would all of the sudden do this... told me to look at my phone records which was about 4 weeks into the breakup. Well, there was a number that wasn't familiar on it that started on the 2nd week.. He told me to give him the number and apparently he googled it and told me he found an old craigslist posting of a guy named michael who is selling a dirt bike (I also ride dirt bikes and her family puts on one of the largest ameture nationals in the country so its in the family). I confronted her about it and she said she's just talking to him for someone to talk to.. but she was talking to him a lot and texting a lot. I told her I can't take the thought of seeing her caling this guy and to please move her phone over to her parents line which they said no problem.. Well... then my buddies saw her out one night when I was watching my son and she was with this guy and they said they were definitely more than friends. I was devistated.. I shut her phone off that morning and cancelled her credit card that I pay for. She ended up breaking her phone that morning apparently and went to verizon... called me for authorization for them to give her a new phone for free and I said no.. I've been disrespected and I won't tollerate it. She was furious... of course this was after she was turned down at the grocery store trying to use her credit card... when at verizon she said I better be prepared because she's coming over and will break the door down. Drove up and started pounding on the door... I hit record on my phone to video record it.. she was running into the door and yelling at me as the windows looked like they were going to break around the door (its a double door so it gives a bit) I opened the door because I decided it was better than her breaking the windows... she came in yelled at the top of her lungs while my son was in the car by himself but sleeping apparently. She was screaming so loud that I shut her stuff down and grabbed a candle and threw it across the room and it busted. She saw I had recorded video and tried to grab my phone but I had emailed it to myself for safety before I let her in. She was pissed I recorded it to say the least. Keep in mind I've neever seen this kind of behavior from her ever.. and it was almost like she flew off the deepend and it was actually a little scary.. I talked to her family about it who has been mad at her since the move out and they couldn't believe it... they continue to this day to tell her to go home and she's splitting up a family. She continues to drive my car I got her (not in her name) and almost expects it. I was so hurt that I decided to take my son to Idaho to visit family and get out of this house a that feels like prison since I work and live here. She wanted the car to use while I was gone so I told her she needs to get a job while I'm gone and don't drive it anywhere. While I was gone I told her I also wanted her to move her phone to her parents account before I returned.. I then returned... checked my plans minutes and boom... she's still texting this guy and calling a lot which again, hurt me badly. She didn't have a job and I was pretty pissed. Keep in mind while I was gone she didn't call me once or text me to see how our son was or to talk to him... she said she didn't want to confuse him and it hurt her to call because she missed him. I sent her a text saying I was coming home that Sunday and she never came over to see him that day... her mom was driving by on the main road below and saw my garage open so stopped by to see my son... talked to me for awhile and said she's really at a loss of words and her daughter doesn't reallize how bad she's ruining her family and its going to really effect our son. The next day her best friend reached out to me... said that my ex had been staying at her house every night while I was gone and she did know about the other guy but said she's not happy and is just being stubborn because she's the most stubborn person we both have ever met.. if she makes her mind up on something she will do it even if its wrong just to prove a point. Her friend told me that she's been being as mean as she can to her and telling her she needs to go home... and said shed do whatever she can. I told my ex... think about this for the day and lets meet up in the evening to discuss... and that I really love her and want to make this work for our son especially. She agreed to think about it and decide if she wanted to continue down this path... which gave me hope. We also had to discuss day care since she was going to be getting a job and her schedule of when sheshould work. I went up to her parents.. and we started talking by the pool... she told me she just can't do it anymore and that she loves me but is not in love with me and that she's felt so alone in our house for so long and makes excuses like how I'll joke around with her about little things like when id' come downstairs from work on a break and say... I sure wish I was retired. But I was really only joking ever. She brought up little things like that and said it hurts her.. I just didn't get it. Well, she said she just can't do it anymore and she can't go through the motions at the house and be unhappy for the rest of her life. I forgot to mention we also went to counseling 4 times in which the last time she didn't even show up. I spent 800 bucks and the last session I did it alone shince she didn't show and talked to the counselor. The counselor thought she was going through a quarter life crisis is what she called it and really didn't see anything major wrong with our relationship other than communication and typically doesn't see couples for minor issues like this... I just got confused even more... well, now she's put this permanent.. still hasn't moved all of her stuff out of my house and expects a car from me whether it be the bmer or the escalade. She said she needs a car to ge ton her feet because she has nothing and needs my help. I told her I'd buy her a 3.5k car which is 500 more than the car she got rid of.. and she can drive that to get her too and from her job for now. She said she wasn't driving a crappy car and sent me a blue book posting of her car that was traded in for 5.5k which was retail and 20k miles instead of the 100k it had. I said fine... I'll spend around that much and still have no idea why I owe her anything because we weren't married and I'm not here to support her anymore.. she chose to leave me. Now I'm simply heartbroken and have no idea what to do. Yesterday she said I need to work on me and she needs to work on herself because she's not happy.. she joined a church group for single women... and her friend said she should have joined a church group for moms.. to help her understand that life wasn't that bad and to meet people that do what she does. She said the way I'm acting trying to get her back and crying and hurting all the time doesn't make me attractive.. I'm not even trying to think of trying to be attractive and only want my family back together... I loved this girl more than anything and would have done anything for her in the world... I thought she was beautiful, intellegent and very loving and willing to do annything for our family until recently... I'm at a loss of words and not sure what to do or how to even move on. Since I changed my Facebook status to single a lot of people tell me she doesn't deserve me when all I want is her... yet I have girls telling me jokingly I'll have a baby to drive a 750. Lol. Girls are already hitting on me and asking me to go do things and go on dates and I can't even look at another girl. I took an offer up of one last night just to get out and have a few drinks and try to relax and get out of the house... she's a super nice girl and tried to talk to me about how to get through it and seemed very interested in me but I just had no desire to be out and even look at other girls. It was weird because last night I saw my ex whom followed me from Idaho to cali and I hadn't seen her in 3 yrs... and it was almost as if she knew I was single that quick... very odd but didn't do anything for me. I really just want to figure out how to cope with this and what to do with my life... my house in the hills, etc. I have no desire to live in this big house by myself... Its almost 4k sq. feet and I feel so lonely in it but got it for such a great deal I don't know what to do. It was too big even for the three of us... if anyone has any imput on my situation I would love to hear it because I'm seriously so depressed right now and have no idea how to get through this. I've delt with breakups before but this one takes the cake especially since a child is involved. It's going to be tough getting used to seeing my son every other day after work.. just heartbreaking.

[josh284]

BTW... keep in mind also that during the earlier stages of the breakup my Father had been told he might have cancer due to some tests they ran... I was devistated and wouldn't know for a little over a week after some further tests were done... then my mom went to the emergency room because they thought she might have had a stroke... my dad ended up okay but not once was she there for me and said she would be if something came of it... but really no care in the world. They couldn't find what was going on with my mom and it worried me.. when I went to visit them during that week time my dad took her into the emergency again... they saw a cardiologist because they thought she might have a leaky valve... everything checked out fine and her blood pressure was high... they asked her if she's been stressed out and she said imensly.. this whole situation is affecting my mom now and she's just really hurt and down about this.. my ex didn't bother to be there for me in either situation and didn't even know about the last emergency visit... it was very hard on me to see this now affecting my family... anyway... just wanted to add that because I didn't understand why she wasn't even there for me like I was for her the prior year during a death in her family and we even had about 50 people at our house that I didn't know after the funeral... I just don't get her one bit. Really hoping someone can help me out with all this... Thanks everyone.

[talaniman]

Sorry for your misery, as I know your life looked so good on paper, and I can imagine you were quite happy, but the thing is, through no fault maybe of your own (or hers), that after a time she and you changed, because the situation changed. From what I can gather you moved pretty fast into this marriage relationship, and maybe did a bit too much, probably more for the sake of the baby. I think though that she may have been willing but unable to adapt to her circumstance in a positive way, so became unwilling to continue. There is your dilemma, her feelings changed, and she acted on it, and left. Happens a lot, as its easy to see things differently after life changing events like having a baby, it changes you, and while you became responsible she grew dissatisfied.

Now you both having gone through a lot have to adjust to being good parents as she tries to build her own life, and you rebuild yours. While its hard to accept right now, I strongly advise you to handle your business, and while you support your baby mama, give her plenty of space, she needs it to be independent. You need it to deal with your own issues, and they are many, without her.

Break ups/divorces happen all the time, and I know you feel rejected, isolated, and alone, but in time you WILL adjust, and do what's right, and what you have to for yourself, your son, and even your ex. I don't have much to offer as far as why this happened, but I can say you are hardly alone as reality throws us curves and reversals of fortune all the time and we cope with it.

I can say this is a good time to have a life without her being the focal point, and get some friends and activities you enjoy so you have some good things to look forward too. That's key in overcoming the emotional distress you find yourself in. Some good orderly direction to some good clean adult fun is the challenge before you as this is a life challenge to face, merely and obstacle to you finding your own happiness for yourself, as you grow and learn yourself.

Stay away from the temptation of replacing one female for another at this time, as loneliness is what makes being alone miserable, and creates more problems than you need right now. Just focus on healing, and rebuilding, because I think you as a man should be grateful for the son you created, and just because the traditional family setting is skewed right now, its still a family of sorts.

And reassure your mom. She is worried, so for her nothing but being positive from you sir, as you deal with your issues. She doesn't need you crying on her shoulder because your not a kid, though she will always see you as one, and when you hurt, so will she.

Just accept the ex for what she is, a young mom who wants an identity of her own and that's okay because seeing as you work at home, you have a lot of time for your son, even if you decide to downsize or move, or become a land lord.

Hey guy, look around, for all the chaos this situation brings, you still have a lot of options and opportunities to explore. More than most, and should be grateful for that. I think you will in time if you are patient, and honest with yourself. Geeeeez, even her family likes and supports you,
And that's a blessing in itself, trust me So it's a hurtful situation, but not all bad, not good, but not all bad!

So just handle your business, and do what's right, and what's needed, and besides your son, and family, make your own happiness a priority. Given time, I have faith you will, and hope this helps.

[answerme_tender]

Josh--
Its time for you to move on. You trying to have some type of control on what happened isn't working. You need to stop getting her friends,family involved. They aren't going to be able to talk her into coming back to you. She has made her choice. I know you feel that you have hit bottom here due the break up and you mother being ill. So its time to pick up and get yourself together, especially for your son. Trying to do nice things isn't going to phase her, you can't buy her love. Shutting off phone and closing credit card was just a controlling issue for you. You showed her who has the power and money. It didn't bring her back, it made her respect you less. Im not saying that you are responsible for finances now, but you could have let her know that you cancelled those items before she went to grocery store.
Its your time to get your life back in shape, to be there for your parents ans son, don't try and go right into a new relationship. That would only bring on more drama that you don't need at this time. I know that you will aways sometime of contact with her, since she is mother of your child, but limit it to just picking up and taking him back to each of your homes. I would not go into any big discussions. And if anyone calls to update you on her where abouts and with whom just mention that's HER BUSINESS and not yours.
There is a woman out there who is done with party life style and ready for a family. Don't miss her because your so consummed with getting the wrong one back! Good luck

[Shadowburn]

She is young and obviously is not ready to settle down and to be responsible for a family. Be glad you're not married to her. Let her find a job and date around a little, as she thinks beemers and excalades will be handed out by her every boyfriend. She took you and the nice lifestyle you were providing her and your kid for granted, but hey, that's her choice, now she has to live with it.

Move on and good luck. This girl has a lot of growing up to do.

[josh284]

Thanks everyone... you, I shut the card and phone down because my buddies had told me she was making out with some dude that night... I was devistated and jumped to conclusion... I know its not my business but I was so hurt to hear this after dating her for 4yrs. And doing everything I can possible for her... I kept my stressful job so I could provide the very best for her even though it came with tons of it (stress). I was not trying to get her parents involved... they would call me... stop by and talk to me and tell me that they are trying to talk to her and explain that she's leaving something very important... a great family with no finanical issues at this time.. a beautiful house, a beautiful son that will be affected, and of course the amount of love I have towards her. I just feel like she was the perfect girl and maybe sometimes I took her for granted because I thought a stay at home mom was a piece of cake when really she was busting her butt and I didn't see it because I'd lock myself in my office and work all day. Now that I'm responsible for everything here I realize what an idiot I was and how wrong I was to not appreciate all she did around here enough. IDK, I did really appreciate her but I just don't think she realized that... now I'm stuck here with a lot of hurt and no family around and no friends around... I make a huge mistake of taking the dive and moving out in the middle of nowhere for her because I was blinded by love I guess and didn't think we'd ever split or think of the consequences if we did... I'm definitely paying for it now.

[answerme_tender]

Your going hell of a time. Stop beating yourself up. Its only natural that we think it has to of been someone's fault when a relationship ends. Sometimes its not any fault. People change either due to growing apart,wanting different things in life, etc. And yes sometimes we just grow so far apart that the love that we had for each other just isn't there anymore. Its painful,but with time that pain does ease. You did everything you could and she probably feels she need all she could, so stop blaming each other.
It won't hurt to talk to a counselor for yourself. It helps to get all this hurt off your chest.

[Shadowburn]

Josh, you should stop blaming yourself. You are not responsible for her choices. A lot of people work day and night to provide for the family, and at age of 22 she was having a nice house and driving a nice car and was being able to stay at home with her baby - not many women can afford that nowadays.

She'll learn a hard way because she thinks that's how the world operates - you meet a man who treats you like a queen, is committed to you and showers you with nice things. Read some threads around here and see how rare this actually is, how many women are mistreated, cheated on and lied too. You deserve better.

[Just Looking]

This is a sad story. I think a lot of it has to do with her age and not being mature enough to handle the relationship and motherhood, especially while her friends were out partying. She wants and needs time to become independent and grow up. The most important thing now is that she focuses on being a good mother, and the two of you maintain a decent relationship for the sake of your son.

You are under a lot of stress now, between the break-up, your job, being away from home, and many more factors. You need to find ways to relax and enjoy yourself, while still taking care of your business and your son. It sounds like money is not an issue, so why don't you consider getting help around the house – hire someone to do the cleaning, yard work, or whatever needs to be done. Use your free time to enjoy your son and rebuild your life. You really need to take care of yourself – eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, and relax. Give yourself time to get over this. I'm sure there will be women lining up for you, but as everyone says now is not the time for that. First you need to figure out how to handle your change in circumstances, and you need to feel good about yourself and your life again.

I lived in California for 8 years. While I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, it has a lot to offer. I don't know what area you live in, but spend some time exploring it and the rest of California. Join some groups. Work out at a gym. There are lots of choices - but find ways to get out of the house. Good luck.

[Marriedguy]

The situation is hard I know. I went through something close to that my wife was 17 years old when I met her. It’s not really the age it’s the maturity. Most 17 year old women are not thinking about marriage haven’t kids and settle down. I had to learn this the hard way.

Here is the deal she was to young and immature not ready for a family. You must cut her off. You now a single dad keep your house and all the things that could with it. It’s hard but you are doing this for you and your son.

She may want to come back because she will grow and mature and want all the things that you have provided. For her sake I hope that you will at that time find it in your heart to forgive her and take her back.

[josh284]

Thanks all for your responses... makes me feel a little better about things since I don't really have to many people to talk to... I don't want to upset my parents and cause health concerns and I feel like an idiot if I tell my friends all this stuff because I'm pretty embarressed that I am part of a failed family and I just feel so bad for my son especially and most of my friends don't have children so can't relate... It's not just a breakup in my eyes...

[josh284]

married guy... I can somewhat see where your coming from but she told me she was upset I never asked her... the sad part is I was really close to pulling the trigger... found a ring I liked... was talking it ovrr with her randomly when I brought up rings without her knowing what I was talking about and she said she really liked her moms 2 carrot ring and I decided.. okay, I guess I need to go bigger if that's really that important to her and decided to save a little more. Then all this came toppling down on me. Just depressin to say the least.

[mystific]

Its too easy to fall into the trap of blaming oneself for a relationship that seemingly felt perfect and yet fell apart so quickly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. You always come up with the 'i should have asked this' and 'i should have done that' scenarios.. later. But that's where experience is gained and will eventually become a forsight in the future.

I really believe you need to focus on yourself and your son now. Because through all the uncertainty this is where he will learn from Dad how to hold himself with dignity and pride.

There are so many 'failed' families in this world. Don't make yourself a statistic. Rise above it. You will beat the odds if you believe in yourself. You can't use your family as a fallback for a cause or reason for the break down in your relationship.

Keep yourself busy and occupied with healthy alternatives. It won't happen overnight.. but eventually it will happen, and it won't hurt so much and you won't feel that hollow empty feeling in the bottom of your tummy or the dull thud of your heart.

Chin up, give lot of big hugs and kisses to your son and lots of love and for him you'll come through this a stronger man.

Good luck.

[josh284]

I didn't know there were so many great/kind people out there that don't know me from adam yet can give me and are willing to give me great advice and suggestions and spend the time in helping out someone they don't even know.. I appreciate all your thoughts everyone... this has defintiely helped me feel a little better at least temporarily. Thank you.. Now if I can somehow just act on this and move on... its hard to see my phone and not want to call her and hear her voice... very lonely and miss everything I had. Ahhhh.

[mystific]

Sometimes its easier to swallow a pill (in this case take advice) from someone you don't know than someone you do know, who you believe is only telling you what you want to hear.

[josh284]

So do you think I should buy her a car or let her deal with it since she left me?

[Shadowburn]

I don't think you really owe her anything - you were not married, and she walked out of the relationship. You may want to seek legal advice on that though. You will have to pay her child support (depending on what your custody arrangements are), but other than that - save your niceness and your money for someone who'd appreciate what you have to offer.

[josh284]

Kind of what I've been told by pretty much everyone except for her and her parents. My son obviously needs transportation so that's what I'm concerned with. Ideas?

[talaniman]

Give her a reasonable down payment (if you so chose) and let her do as she will. She gave up the privilege of depending on you to meet her needs and wants, when she left.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

She wants an Escalade, let her pay for it. If you want to co sign for her to get what she wants, think long and hard on that one my friend. She has no means to live within, that's her problem to solve, not yours, and it shouldn't be on your dime.

[Just Looking]

She wants her independence. Now is a good time for her to show that. She can find a nice used car or even lease a car for very low payments. Let her parents co-sign for her. Your responsibility is to your child. That means having a parenting relationship with your ex, but you don't have to take care of her needs. You are going to be hit up for one thing after another if you keep thinking you have to help her out financially because it benefits your son.