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demelj · Apr 2, 2007, 04:48 PM

I don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm going on my 3rd year of marriage (we been together going on 4). Everything started great then.. in our 2nd year of marriage my husband started to go to the club on a constant basis, would be very secretive and short w/me and would have numerous female friends (that he kept secret). Well I accused him of cheating etc.. I know this was wrong, but I also started going through his things, phone records.. you name it to figure out what was what. We argued all the time. This all came to a head when he ended up meeting a female and staying the night with her. I found out on a fluke. They were intimate (kissing and touching) but did not go the full distance. I know this because I spoke to the young lady who didn't know he was married and he lied about his age (he's 32 he said he was 25). When this came to a head he told me he loved me but felt he didn't want to be married anymore and that is why he was out all the time etc because he felt he wasn't going to stay, but once he realized what he was losing he realized here is where he really wanted to be. This took a lot for me to forgive him but I did and we worked it out. Part of me taking him back was all the other female friends he hid from me were really platonic they would hang out at the bar and clubs. Now my husband refused to do counseling so this was worked out on our own. I asked him to stop going to the club, drinking and exchanging numbers w/women because I felt this was a breathing ground for something to happen. He tried but felt like I was trying to control him, didn't trust him, and didn't want him to do anything. Now almost a year later we are back where we were and his going out. He even started not coming home at all until the next day. We had a big blow-up about it because I told him I don't deserve this treatment... it's disrespectful and not a part of a marriage. He told me he loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn't like being married because he doesn't feel free. He says he isn't cheating (which I called females recently and it was platonic but there is a new number I've seen that I did not call and he speaks to this one a lot) but what I'm I to think. I cry all the time because I'm a devoted wife in every since and I have a husband who wants a wife and the single life. I love him so much and I really fell he loves me too but I fell like I'm holding on to someone who doesn't want to be here. I even gave him the out I told him I will let him go and live his life.. I won't stand in the way. I told him I love him and as much as if hurts to leave I will because I realize w/him out all the time and not coming home he doesn't want to be married. He says to me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and he is working on it but to give him time. He felt I was pressuring him because we keep having a talk about this same subject all the time. I don't know what else to do anymore. I've even stopped going through things and tried to even let him just do his thing to get it out of his system but it is really crushing me. I know this is super long... he still refuses counseling... doesn't want to talk it out he just wants to do what he wants. He claims this isn't the lifestyle he wants but he feels he can't let it go right now. He doesn't even want to break from each other because he feels we can work it out. I'm stressed, and upset and all I can think about is he doesn't want to be married. Any ideas on (male and female) how I can overcome this will be appreciated because I really want to make our marriage work.

misslala · Apr 3, 2007, 08:25 AM

First of all, you need to stop crying. I realize this is hurtful for you, but here's the problem... your husband is a ****bag who wants his cake and wants to eat it too. He's taking advantage of you, and you're letting him. You stuck by your end of the deal, and under ridiculous circumstances, you forgave him and allowed him freedom, and he STILL wants more. I say forget it, sister, and get out while you can. I assume you don't have children, so that's good because you only need to worry about yourself, but don't let him keep walking all over you. It really has gone on long enough. You sound like a strong girl, so get out while you can, and let him learn a lesson. I know all of that seems easier said than done, but I can assure you that you don't deserve this. It's nonsense for him to tell you he loves you and then mess around with other women. I'm surprised that you believe these women (or him) that they are strictly platonic. What person is going to tell you they're screwing your husband if they don't have to? They don't care about you, or your marriage, because obviously they have no decency if they're hanging around a married man at a bar all night. Who knows what diseases he could be bringing home to you? He doesn't have any respect for you, or for the sanctity of your marriage, so I say take the money and run. If you don't want to get divorced then at least don't make it so easy for him to trample on your heart. At the very least move out for a while and lay down the law. If he wants to fight so hard to go out and play with his friends every night then let him fight for you for once. You need to have respect for yourself. I hope this doesn't seem harsh, I just hate stupid guys. You're better than that, I'm sure, or you wouldn't have tried to do the right thing for so long.

Matt3046 · Apr 3, 2007, 09:37 AM

Run don't walk to a couples therapist, if he won't go, go by yourself. These people can be very help full. Second start saving money (lawyers don't work for free)

ggmagoo · Apr 3, 2007, 10:28 AM

Your husband is not coming home until the next day after a night out and you say you don't think he is cheating. And you know this because you ask the girls he was with. Are you serious? Are you waiting for him to give you and STD to confirm that he is cheating on you. Girl put his out! Get yourself some counseling so you can build up the self-esteem and the respect for yourself to keep him out. You say you love him. I beg to differ. I think love who he was. He is no longer that person. Ask yourself do you love the person who is cheating on you, disrespecting you, and hurting you. I have a funny feeling you will say you don't love that person.
To put it simply... when you want better you will do what it takes to get better.
This IS NOT A MARRAIAGE.

I AM NO EXPERT JUST A PERSONAL ADVISE

talaniman · Apr 3, 2007, 10:45 AM

The next time he leaves for the club then pack a bag and leave right behind him. Don't tell him jack. The only way to get through to these hardheaded immature types is with action as the words haven't worked. Get a place to chill your heels for day or to.

demelj · Apr 3, 2007, 11:36 AM

Thank you (everyone) for your advice. We don't have any kids and you are right I'm in love with the person he was and feel somewhere deep inside he can still be that person. I know it sounds crazy like I'm holding on to a pipe dream. I've stopped crying.. I guess I was looking for someone to answer something I already know but really did not want to face. As much as it hurts me to leave... it's hurting me more to stay.

misslala · Apr 3, 2007, 01:39 PM

Good luck! Keep us posted on your progress if you can! One day you'll be sooo happy and you won't know why you put up with this as long as you did.:)

ggmagoo · Apr 3, 2007, 01:47 PM

I hope you have a good support system. It will help you through all of this. Family , Friends, Church or Bible will help you stay strong and stick with the tough decsion you will make regarding this relationship.

gypsy456 · Apr 5, 2007, 11:53 AM

Dry your tears...
This man is not worth it, he does not seem to show any respect to the woman he married.

No marriage is perfect, but there is a fine line...
Why would your husband go to clubs and be intimate with other women ?

You say... He did not go the full distance, there was kissing and touching.
Come on... get real.
You did not marry this man to accept this behaviour.

Open your eyes and move one.

demelj · Apr 5, 2007, 02:39 PM

I did finally wake up. I left yesterday. I told him if it's me and the marriage he wants then he has to prove it. I would hope he does realize he wants the marriage; however, I'm not waiting forever for him to figure it out. I gave him a time frame and also advised I'm more than ready to accept us no longer being together. I've already started my preparations if this is the case. This was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I realize it is the best for me and I'm OK. I have a great support system... without my family, friends and God I don't know what I would do. Thank you all for your advice.