[HurtSoGood]

Some background on me. I am a 29 year old single father of one. I married my high school sweetheart and got divorced in 2005 - I know, too young. The advice that I am seeking surrounds a relationship that I recently got out of...

Long winded, so bare with me...

In March of this year I met this girl, through mutual friends, whom I knew she had an interest. We met out one night and exchanged phone numbers. A couple of days later I asked if she would like to go out to dinner to which she agreed. We immediately hit it off and found out that we are a lot alike - in some ways. In other ways, not so much. We both agreed that we weren't looking for anything serious. As the weeks went by, we continued to go on these dates (movies, my coking for her, her cooking for me, going out, etc). Of course, I became heavily interested and found myself looking for a relationship. She immediately got scared away. No worries, I ended contact with her. About 5 days later she contacted me via text and we began talking again - at this point she knew what I was looking for. We began to hang out constantly, and she said that she wanted to make it "official", and of course, I agreed. Things were hot and heavy, and then I had to go out of town for a month(Military training). Before I left she told me that she loved me and has never been with anyone like me before. I was feeling the same way so I said it back and actually meant it.

The first two weeks of me being out of town were great as far as our relationship was concerned. She even said that she had found her soulmate and she could see herself growing old with me. Of course, I loved this idea because I was feeling the same way. However, the final two weeks weren't so great. It seemed she became more distant and frustrated. I am sure she was frustrated with the situation, which I completely understood. When I got home, she was extremely excited to see me and we continued to see each other a lot. I did everything for this girl and treated her like gold. The way she should be treated.

Then things started going south. She did not want to see me as much and cancelled, at the last minute, plans that we had made on numerous occasions for no real reason(just said that she didn't feel like it anymore). She told me that she wanted her space, and I had no problem with that. I am a firm believer in your "own time" to do what makes you you. I cannot, however, accept the cancelling of plans at the last minute, but continued to treat her the way I would want to be treated. I believe it to be rude and inconsiderate, and I would never do that to anyone without a valid reason. Then her grandmother passes away, so she calls me to tell me what is going on. I told her that I am here for her and if there is anything I can do, let me know. I also told her that since she is the type of person who likes her space I will give it to her. I also told her that I will call her to see how she is doing, and if she wanted to see me and/or go to the funeral, let me know and she agreed. The funeral came, and nothing was said about her wanting me to go, so I respected her privacy and did not pry. Big mistake... I should have followed my heart and not my head. I didn't go to the funeral, and she became disappointed and told me that her ex was there for her more than I was... OUCH! He didn't go to the funeral, but he was there for her more than I was!

Two days after the funeral, we went to dinner and she expressed her disappointment and resentment for me not going to the funeral. I took everything she said because I understood that I did not do what I should have done. She then went on to saying that she has a fear of commitment and that she has cheated on every boyfriend she has ever had. So, I asked her if she thought it best that we call it off; she said "no" that she did not want to do that. The weeks went by, and still the same things. We would make plans and she would cancel for no reason. I finally became frustrated, and told her that it would be best for us to not see one another; she said FINE! She then sends me a text for saying "Sorry". Like an idiot, I feel into the trap and asked what the heck is she sorry for. She replied by saying that I have fallen out of love with you and everything that I told you was to appease you... OUCH!! So I left it alone.

Over the weekend I take my son to the beach for some quality time and to get away, and she sends me a text saying that she missed me. I sent one in return saying that I did as well - once again, mistake. That night she goes out with her friends and my ex wife is there. So, naturally those two are now drinking together talking about God knows what. I contacted her on Sunday and she was extremely cold and distant, and she reiterated what she said before about falling out of love and saying those things to appease me. I should have left it at that, but I didn't. I became infuriated and asked her why would she tell me those things just to appease me because she knew how I felt about her. She told me that people fall out of love all the time, and to stop contacting her; so I have.


I am having a real hard time dealing with this because I am left with questions that I probably will never get the answers to. Is she seeing someone else, was she afraid of getting closer, was my not attending the funeral the deal breaker, or can people just be that cold hearted and say things just to appease the other person?

[amicon]

The sad thing is you probably won't get any answers.my advice is stay away move on-spend quality time with the kids and be good to yourself.

[talaniman]

I am having a real hard time dealing with this because I am left with questions that I probably will never get the answers to. Is she seeing someone else,

Those unanswered questions will throw you off, but when you look back at he other conversations you will figure it out.
I took everything she said because I understood that I did not do what I should have done.

was she afraid of getting closer,

Yep! That's what she said.
then went on to saying that she has a fear of commitment and that she has cheated on every boyfriend she has ever had.

was my not attending the funeral the deal breaker

Nope, but a good excuse to start an argument.

or can people just be that cold hearted and say things just to appease the other person?

Sure they can, because they don't give a rats patoot about any one else any way.

Your far better off without this one, as she isn't that hard to figure out.

[hot2hndle]

I envy this girl because she has someone who treat her right. I feel sad about you because you love her but she just caused you pain. Life is so unfair! Why we can not have someone who can love as the same way. :(
I guess she's afraid of being in a relationship. If she cheated in every relationship she has she seems got issues. Try not to communicate with her for a while don't create a vacuum. Someday she will realize your worth.

[Gemini54]

We always want to find the answers in situations like these, and even believe that there must be logical explanations.

More often than not there are no answers, only more questions. Who knows why she did what she did and said what she said? Only she can know that, and it doesn't sound as if she knows herself very well.

Don't beat yourself up about the whole thing and whether you should have gone to the funeral - if she wasn't prepared to hear why you didn't go and understand that you were trying to be sensitive, then it's her loss.

You can only be who you are. You were honest, loving and thoughtful (by your account). Don't stop being who you are because this relationship didn't work out.

You can only ever be responsible for your own actions - if you are convinced that you did the best you can and it wasn't right for her, then so be it.

[paxe]

Remember when you were smaller, you used to play with a yo-yo, it would go down then up, then down then up... Well she's the one playing and you're the yo-yo... It's probably a great thing that she dumped you and that you aren't contacting each other anymore (right?). She seems like a wreak, leave her alone and it's much better if you don't get answer for your questions. Sometime you should just let go.