[hopelesss]

Well, this upcoming weekend will be a month. She's ready to come over on Saturday to get the rest of her things and take care of our joint affairs. I've been doing much better lately but still have many ups & downs... I feel like this weekend will be the last time I'll have a chance to talk with her and I'm a little unsure how I should handle it.
For the most part we've both been taking the N/C approach. I do want to make things easy on her and just let her go, and not make this event any more painful than it needs to be!
But a part of me also wants to make sure she knows exactly how I feel and to kind of leave the door open for a future reconciliation, however slim those hopes may be.
I will move on! And I know eventually I'll be okay. But I just hope that if she ever has a change of heart, that she won't let pride get in the way of relaying her feelings. Because I honestly feel that if we ever tried again things would be so much better, as we both now see where we went wrong. And an open line of communication would do wonders.
I know we both still love each other. Things just don't seem workable any longer.but that could change.. although the possibility may be slim!

So, I'm just hoping for some advise on how to handle what may be our final conversation.
I want to put her first, and keep her feelings in mind. While also conveying mine. And just not screw this up... and leave things on a positive note.

Any help would be much appreciated... as you all have done so much for me already!
Thank you in advance!!

[mystific]

Its not going to be easy.. for the remainder of the week you'll be thinking of things to say, how to say it and it will go around like a revolving door in your head. You'll imagine scenarios and outcomes that are the most favourable and what deep down you most desire.

Reality check. Eventually yes you will be OK but where you feel a little more comfortable now.. re read your previous post because you'll go back to square one.. IF.. you don't take precautions for you.. now.

Positive note ending 'hi.. here's your things, hope you're well, take care'.
Negative note ending 'hi, please don't go, I love you, I don't want you to leave, we can work this out... '

Besides its been a month and if you both knew during this month where you both went wrong.. the open lines of communication and 'working things out' would have happened already.

Good luck for the weekend, I sincerely hope it goes well, keep us updated. :cool:

[beachloverjohn]

OK here goes. I believe that you see this weekend as your "last chance" to get her back. You see the two of you walking around your place and talking and both of you crying. You play this in your mind like a movie and you see her wrapping her arms around you and telling you that she loves and misses you and decided to try and work things out. You both kiss passionately and live happily ever after.. THE END. But deep down you know that's not going to happen. So, and this is the really difficult part, do not leave the door open. Do not give her any reason to think you will wait for her. Do not act like you can't live without her and you will come back whenever she wants you. Just stick to the business at hand, tidy up all loose ends, and say goodbye to her and that's all. Listen, this is not going to be easy, but no matter what you do the result i8s going to be the same. She is not going to start up with you at this time. So you might as well act like a man and let her wonder if you have moved on.. Believe me if she ever wants you back, she will let you know. THere is no reason on earth to tell her you want to try again. Let her come to you, it really is your only chance. And if you're a really good actor, you will give her the impression you don't even care. "I;m kind of in a hurry so here's your things, I hope you have everything, and I guess I'l see you around. Goodbye".. Use your own words, but you get the idea. Good luck.

One more thing, I also think you SHOULD be there when she comes. You need closure in your mind, and the best way to get that is watch her walk out your door for the last time.

[redhed35]

You have already had your last conversation,and it ended with 'its over'.

My advice is not to even be there when she comes over,have someone else let her in.

I doubt you will be able to control the emotions,if your thinking about leaving the door open,your not ready to see her or talk to her.

The only way for you to move forward,to heal, is to realise there is no going back,there is no one last chance or conversation,there is no future change of heart.

Its over.

[redhed35]

Loose ends can be sorted through a solicitor.

The relationship is over.

Any contact at this stage unless it is absolutely necessary will not serve you.

[kctiger]

I have to agree with Red here, and some of the others. As much as you want to pretend you being there when she comes over will serve some purpose, it will only serve to let your expectations of some unrealistic reconciliation come plummeting down.

The bottom line, it is over, for whatever reason. The best thing you can do is act like a man with dignity and class and handle this that way. No reason, absolutely NO reason to be there when she comes over. The way you handle yourself now will define how she sees you in the future. I'm not saying you will or will not ever "reconcile", but trust me, doing anything other than being well composed will hurt you. The only closure you need and that should be apparent is that she is coming to get the LAST of her stuff. Nuff said, it is over.

Good luck. Yes it hurts, but you really have to focus on what to do now about getting YOURSELF together.

[beachloverjohn]

Although I do agree with those that say do not be there when she comes this weekend, that way there is no chance of you breaking, I don't think there is a chance in hell that you can be that strong. So if you are going to be there, then at least make it short and unemotional. But I'm going to be completely honest from my own experience, I don't think it will matter at all whether you aren't there or you are there, or if you act like you don't care or you throw yourself at her feet and beg and cry and throw a tantrum, I think it is over. So why humiliate yourself. If there is any chance of that at all, then by all means make other arraingements for when she comes. Leave her things wihere she can just pick them up would be the best choice. Does she really have to get in the apartment? Probably not.

[kctiger]

I want to make it a point that I don't think was clear in my original post. I'm not saying keep your composure in case she ever comes back, I'm saying keep your composure because it is needed. The easiest thing we do in these situations is to let our emotions get the best of us. Truth be told, there are a lot of awful situations in life we have to handle. Just trying to practice maintaining a calm demeanor in these situations can help us learn to make more rational decisions in the long run. I also doubt you will be able to control your emotions when she is there, so why put yourself in that situation? If you have any doubts, just avoid it altogether, as it isn't worth it.

[hopelesss]

Yeah, you guys are right. As the days pass. I realize more and more that it's just not worth it! She's moved on, so why can't I? Unfortunately that's my problem... WHY CAN'T I?? :( "this really sucks"

[answerme_tender]

We have all been there and some are still asking that same question. There isn't any real answer or quick fix to get over a broken heart. Time will fix that break and you will eventually be able to answer your own question.

[beachloverjohn]

yeah, you guys are right. as the days pass. i realize more and more that it's just not worth it! she's moved on, so why can't i? unfortunately that's my problem... WHY CAN'T I??? :( "this really sucks"

You can't move on because you don't think you will ever meet someone like her again. You are in panic mode. You feel like you blew your chance to be happy, and all you want to do is get another chance. You have to realize that this is normal behavior, and you WILL get over it in time. Just give yourself a break, and stop blaming yourself for everything. It takes TWO to make it work, and she doesn't want it, so you have to start believing YOU are not a priority in her life. So don't make her one in your life. Move on...

[hopelesss]

YOU are not a priority in her life. So don't make her one in your life. Move on...

Your right.. & I'm going to try and remind myself 'this' everyday until my heart catches up with my brain and realizes this is the truth!!

On the plus side, she called me tonight to discuss a bill. & I think I handled myself pretty good! I kept it very short, & only discussed the matters at hand. I even ended the conversation with an "alright then, let me get going". & I must say, it felt kind of good being in charge of when & how long the conversation would be. So I'll just take it as a step in the right direction.

[hopelesss]

Update:
Okay, so she's all moved out now. I went against what may have been better advice and chose to be here and help her pack everything and load the van. And I'm glad I did! Not because it changed the outcome of anything,(as obviously it didn't) but I feel like my goal was accomplished in that it gave me piece of mind; I thought it was the right thing to do; and I think we left on a positive note. I know, I suffer from nice guy syndrome and always like to leave a good last impression! I guess it's a gift and a curse. But anyway, I kept it very business like, just asking how I can help, then following accordingly. That is up until she was about to leave. Then I was overwhelmed with the need to ask her just two questions I had, to help me better understand how we got to this point. And I think I'm fortunate in that, like always, she tried her best to explain her feelings. And from what I read on some of these other posts, many people aren't that lucky. They get left with a bunch of questions and no answers. So now I'll just have to leave my future love life in fates hands and just take it day by day and let time do the healing. At least I know for certain where I went wrong and why she harbors such resentment towards me. And she really helped me understand her point of view.
I just wish there was a magic formula or something to help me get past this lonely/emptiness that has engulfed me. I really want to stop missing her! I know time is my only healer... I just wish it would hurry the heck up!
Anyway, THANKS for listening to my story & for all the advice and support!

p.s.
I'll never forget this site! And when I finally heal. I will check back in from time to time and hopefully be able to return the favor!

[beachloverjohn]

Glad to hear this. And I can tell you that I am going through the same thing. And I kept initiating contact for three months after the breakup, and all I did was take all the blame and promise to change, etc,etc. Well I finally had enough of that and gave up and stopped all contact. As time went on, I no longer took all the blame. Now I realize that I have much to offer someone, and I will never become so dependent on any one person again. I hope to fall in love again, but this time I won't allow my happiness to be solely in one persons' hands. Me ex hurt me beyond anything that I could have ever imagined, but that could never have happened if I had not looked to her for my only means of happiness. It's OK to have someone complete your life, but it's not OK to have that someone BE your whole life. And remember, you come into this life alone, and you will go out alone. So the only person you should ever really depend on to make you happy is yourself. Good luck to both of us.

[hopelesss]

Question... I know its different for everybody. But what's a general rule of thumb for when I might start feeling better about myself? I know they say you shouldn't start dating again until you find happiness within yourself and are comfortable being single again! I would just like to have something positive to look forward to. Even if it doesn't come to fruition. It was a three year relationship so what type of time frame could I be hopeful for?. any thoughts?

@beachloverjohn: yeah, amen to that brother... GOOD LUCK TO BOTH OF US!!

[mystific]

I really think time is of the essence here. You can't will yourself to be 'healed' it will just.. happen.

I personally believe you should give yourself a little more time, its only been a couple of weeks and only the past weekend since you said your final byes'.

Everyone is different. Just be certain in yourself when you do meet someone, it'd be ashame to think you might use someone as a rebound mechanism to 'see what if'.

[hopelesss]

@ mystific.. sorry if that came across wrong! I have no prospects at the moment. And have no aspirations of dating anytime soon. I'm just not ready... I was just wondering how long it took other people so I could have something positive to look forward to.. you know, kind of like the "fake it, till you make it" mind set.

[mystific]

I didn't mean to assume that you had prospects :) sorry!

Just everyone is different and different time scales obviously differ to how fast people are able to 'move on'. Reading through various posts people even 5+ years down the line still are emotionally attached to ex's for whatever reason.

Positivity is a state of mind and heart. It depends on what you involve yourself in, with and around. You can't fake anything, because then you'll just be deceiving yourself. Beachloverjohn is definitely your man for inspiration here, my own experiences of a recent breakup is on the other end of the scale...

But I sincerely hope you get the answers you need to appease the need to know.

[kctiger]

It took me awhile, but that's mostly because I didn't force myself out of my own self pity. In reality, that's all this is, self pity. While we sit here and wonder how our heart can be so broken, there is life going on that we are refusing to acknowledge or live. Sure there is always a period of grief, but life goes on and the world keeps on turning. How long you want to watch it turn without you is the question.

After about two months of absolute grief, I decided to set goals for myself and became determined to overcome my current state of sadness. To be honest, breaking up was the best thing that happened to me. It forced me out of a comfort zone that, frankly, wasn't getting me where I needed to go in life.

[talaniman]

As long as you make your healing about replacing your ex with another female, you will never heal.

If your busy rebuilding a life that you enjoy without someone who makes you happy, you will be healed, and ready for whatever life throws at you before you even know it.

You are responsible for your own happiness, not another human.