[little_johnny]

I have been married to my wife for 12 years and been through a lot together we have children too. Our marriage has been a bit rough for me I have honesty issues and have not been honest with my wife over several things but never cheated on her and she has a jealous personality which she thinks I'm cheating all the time. Anyhow my wife has cheated on me 4 times over 12 years and I forgave her for it and it took a lot on my shoulders but I did forgive her. Well we have separated on 2 occasions one because we lost our 1 year old daughter to leaukimia 6 years ago and the 2nd time because of the cheating it just took a toll on my heart. Well during our separation of 8 months I met someone and idiot me had a one night stand. I really didn't think my marriage would get back ever but my heart changed and I took my wife back but never made any mention of the one night stand. 5 months later my neighbour told her about it so I was in trouble she was devastated I did eventually tell her the truth about it. Now she wants a divorce because aparently my cheating is worse because I had sex and she only had oral sex now in my books cheating is just that cheating there is no grey area. I know I did the wrong thing and probably deserve what I get. I'm no angel and have made my mistakes in life & marriage but I do love my wife. Just not sure how to think of this so confused hurt ashamed and guilty. Please help

[Alty]

She cheated 4 times, you cheated once. I have to ask, why are you holding on?

Love is wonderful, and grand, but love isn't enough, that's very obvious in this relationship.

Why do you want her to stay? I'm not saying you shouldn't ask for counseling or get help to keep your marriage together, but I have to wonder why?

You're both at fault for this not working. You both need therapy if this is going to work. In 12 years you've both made a very big mess of things, and for some reason you've never learned to be a married couple, to solve your problems, and to stay faithful to each other.

Have you asked her if she'd consider counseling?

Also, you're right, cheating is cheating. She's no angel either. Far from it.

[talaniman]

You are full of emotions now, and that's to be expected, but honestly she could NOT do for you what YOU did for her, and that my friend is a darn shame on her part.

I will be straight though, leave her, and end this farce of a marriage, as I think you have had quite enough of this unhealthy, unrewarding situation, and a lawyer is your next friend.

Hurts now, and so hard to step away from a situation that's not working, and never will, but it's a step you have to make, so you can heal properly, and rebuild, to have a chance at something better that makes you happy.

Sucks I know, but handle your business. Do you have family and friends, to support you, and your kids through this terrible ordeal?

[dontknownuthin]

To me the bottom line is that neither of you are honest, committed to the relationship or for that matter, really married as far as most people would be concerned. You're both trying to play on the side, and you've really glossed over your infidelity - first saying you never cheated, then carefully parsing it as a one-night-stand instead of just honestly saying you had an affair. Your wife's argument that she only had oral sex is a joke - most people I know consider oral sex at least as intimate if not more intimate than traditional sex. I would consider a man going to dinner socially with a woman other than his wife to be cheating, so I think you're both off the deep end. You aren't putting one another first, aren't holding yourselves to any kind of standard of behavior or courtesy to your spouse.

The question is whether you want to be married moving forward. If you do I think you need to start over. Get counseling to deal with the devastating loss of your child, learn to support each others' grief, call a truce about the past and be brutally honest about whether you even like each other any more.

[Jake2008]

She has had four affairs that you know of, and the two of you have separated twice, and you've had one one night stand.

So while you forgave her during all her affairs, what else was done by the two of you to rebuild. I think you missed opportunities to follow up on the 'forgive' part, with counselling to deal with the before, during, and aftermath of her affairs, and your one night stand. Accountability, honesty, a desire to sincerely change, and then work hard to make the marriage healthy, seems missing at every opportunity.

One affair to recover from is hard enough, but four? Just forgiveness, and two separations, and nothing between as far as counselling goes? For many, one affair is enough. I don't know why it has taken so many affairs, and the upset of separation, twice no less, to convince you that the marriage is not going to work.

Considering that there are children here, I presume that they too suffered along the way with the inevitable arguing, the separations, leaving their home, returning to their home, leaving their home again, adjusting to life without their father. Their worlds have been turned upside down too many times.

It's time for stability for all concerned. The sooner you have a life on your own, and your wife has a life on her own, the better off the children will be, and the better off you will be as well. While you are still able to communicate, try, for the sake of the children, to do this as amicably as possible.

I am very sorry for the loss of your child, that too was no doubt a contributing factor in some of the behaviour. However, if you are not strong together, after all the history, you are much farther ahead on your own in my opinion.

[dontknownuthin]

Out of rep for Jake but I'd like to say, "exactly!"

[Devorameira]

You say your wife cheated on you 4 times (that you know about) and you forgave her, and you slept with a woman while you were separated for 8 months and she isn't forgiving. Something is really imbalanced in my book.

Unless you're both willing to undergo counseling, I can't imagine this ever working out. You both have some serious issues that can't be resolved without professional intervention.

Don't shoulder the blame for all this yourself. You only had a one-night-stand during an 8 month split, whereas your wife has become an obvious serial cheater.

You may be better off without her.