[asking]

You are welcome!

I think I can say that from everyone here.
Stay busy, like Tal says. :)

[Homegirl 50]

He appears to be controlling the situation again. I think you use this time to do you and don't even expect anything after the break.
This may be his way of leaving.

[asking]

He appears to be controlling the situation again. I think you use this time to do you and don't even expect anything after the break.
This may be his way of leaving.

No, no! It's Londongirl's way of leaving! :)
She's seizing control of this situation.

I honestly don't think he will leave; he clearly likes her, but not "that" way. He will be a sticky indefinitely if she lets him. I think he's picking up on her desire for distance and getting there first because HE doesn't want to be rejected. He's the kind of person who always breaks up first, so nobody can ever dump him. But she's going to dump him anyway because he's a suffocating presence in her life.

[Homegirl 50]

If that's the case, that's good!

[londongirl111]

Lets hope this works people...
But I agree that I must not expect anything from this x

[harmonybox]

I'm in almost the same situation accept we both agreed on a friends with benefits relationship right from the start. I told him that eventually I wanted to find a long term relationship despite him stating that he didn't want to have any serious relationships.

My trouble is that he knows that I would be more than happy to be in a long term relationship with him, and he seems to be testing me for 'girlfriend qualities'. Now I'm more confused than ever. I don't want to waste 5 years waiting for a man that openly doesn't want to commit, but I couldn't see myself with anyone else.

I feel for you. It hurts to be in a situation where you have to choose between moving on or taking a risk where your heart may get broken in the end.

I agree with the advice that has been given. However, knowing first hand how it feels is easier said than done. If you find a solution that eases the pain and still moves you towards a real answer I would love to hear about it.

[londongirl111]

Harmonybox, Someone that shares my pain and confusion... It is a long and hard road, so much has happened since my last post, we tried to distance ourselves, well I tried, it lasted a whole 2 days, with him contacting me first, since then we have hooked up again and spent 4 days with each other... It is such a confusing story I actually don't know which way to turn anymore, however the people that have given advice have been so right, yes he is the one to always break up with someone first, yes he is the one that always comes back and yes he has told a friend that he cannot distance himself from me. We fight, we make up, I *****, he apologises, he admits that it feels like a relationship but won't commit to anything, it hurts to know that he still casually sees other girls and I freak from jealously. The best advice that I can give you is to accept the way things are and don't let it stand in your way on meeting someone else (even though that is easier said than done especially when the only person you want to be with is him). I suffer from a very low self esteem and a lack of self confidence which many people don't believe because I put up a front of being very confident and outgoing but deep down I am not confident at all. For the first time ever I can be myself around someone, I can laugh, he accepts me for who I am.

I have had friends with benefits relationships in the past but this is more and deeper than that. Why can't men just be men and want to have relationships with us. I completely know how you feel, you know it is hurting you or in the end you are going to end up with a heart in a million pieces but you just can't let go because something inside you won't.

Same goes for you, if you find the answer that we are both looking for, let me know.
Xxx

[Survivor07]

You ask why men just can't be men and want to have relationships with us.

Men can and do.

We teach others how to treat us.

You are allowing this man to do this to you.

I know how hard it is. I've been there, too.

Truth is, he'd be there for you as your boyfriend if he wanted to. He is getting what he needs from you the way things are now. You may be his ego boost, he may have a fear of being alone. He finds comfort in knowing you're always there when he's in between dates or just wants to be cozy.

If and when he falls in love, he most likely will cut you out of his life. Then what? Make sure you have a life of your own that you truly enjoy.

You will feel empowered and back in control of yourself if you can manage to not be so available to him. Put yourself first. Even though HE is what you want for yourself, you already know it hasn't been good for you so far.

[londongirl111]

I do have a life of my own, but yes most of the time when he texts or calls I am available, I am scared that if I do have my own life and say sorry can't see you tonight etc he will stop coming round and stop trying to see me, I am scared that he will stop making the effort. Do you think this will happen?

[harmonybox]

So, so, frustrating! I know why my friend isn't wanting to commit. He had a long relationship that ended in divorce. It's funny Londongirl because I just got back from a 4 day vacation with my 'friend' too and it was fantastic even through the trip home! Until we pulled into the driveway and he was ushering out the door as fast as we pulled up. Lol

As far as men go, I think that since the term 'friends with benefits' has become a mainstream form of dating men can have their cake and eat it too. It's a convenient out. For me I agreed to it from the beginning so I knew what I was getting myself into. I would have been fine with it too had he not started scoping out my personal life (including asking about my parents personal life).

I'll be there for him until he either caves in or I meet someone that can move me like he does and wants a commitment. The only thing that keeps me from taking it personal is that I have a good sense of humor... and watching him stumble over his words is quite entertaining. I'm not a jealous person, but it does tug at the heart strings when I see pics of other women on his phone and know he's got a list of lady friends on his phone list. I've never asked if it's anything more with them, but that is on the list of conversation in the near future.

I have a low self-image, but I think I'm a great person. Of course, I let previous bad relationships get me down about the way I look, talk, walk, and everything else they could throw at me. Deep down I know it's not true, but when you feel like you've been kicked enough times it's hard not to let it get to you.

If you didn't have some absolutely great qualities I'm sure he wouldn't be so confused about what he wants. It's probably not you that he's questioning... it's something within himself.

If all else fails, and you just need a good lift-me-up go to YouTube and search up Christopher Titus and watch his 9 part 'Love is Evol' show. (not for the sensitive at heart) I can't say that it'll work for you, but I laughed until I cried. :D

Xxx

Keep me posted. It sounds like this is going to be a long haul for both of us. Lol

[talaniman]

NC for the both of you so you can heal, and rebuild!! Anything less is slow poison, and more misery.

[harmonybox]

Hi Talaniman, I'm not familiar with what NC stands for.

[Cat1864]

NC stands for No Contact. It means having as little as possible to absolutely no communications with the ex. It includes: getting rid of contact information; blocking email, texts and phone calls; de-friending on any and all social networking sites such as FaceBook; not asking friends for information about the ex; etc. It is a way to end the confusion and give yourself time and space to heal without being pulled back into the mess you are trying to climb out of.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

I do have a life of my own, but yes most of the time when he texts or calls I am available, I am scared that if I do have my own life and say sorry can't see you tonight etc he will stop coming round and stop trying to see me, I am scared that he will stop making the effort. Do you think this will happen?

Read this post and tell me if you think it shows a mentally and emotionally healthy relationship.

I think you need to protect yourself and your well-being.

You say that you have low self-esteem and confidence. This relationship, however much you want to make it seem otherwise, is not helping you build them up. It is eroding them even more. He is giving back only enough to keep you staying there for him and his needs. What about your own? You are so concerned about being available for him, but he is concerned about being available for you?

One of my deepest concerns for you is that you could become pregnant and this 'man' would run as far as he can as fast as he can all the while blaming you for trying to trick him into a relationship.

You need to be involved in things that help you feel good about yourself and help you build up your self-esteem and confidence. You are allowing him to use your lack of self-confidence against you.

I will let you know that what you have with him is very close to a master/slave relationship. It is about control and who has it. You don't.

[londongirl111]

It so great to meet someone that understands and that is going through the same thing as me.

I am going to go and watch that you tube video for sure. I will def keep you posted harmony box and like I said if I get an answer before you I will def post it.

I have asked about the other girls... One is his ex girlfriend and the other he met a while back, he has told me he has kissed her and swears that is where it ends - whether I believe this, is another story.

Anyway, keep me posted as well
Xxx

[Homegirl 50]

Surly you can see this relationship is one sided and dysfunctional. You are there for him when he wants something different or a break and you sit there willing to give,
You need to leave this guy alone.
Go NC, no more communication. Neither of you are good for the other.