[londongirl111]

I am hoping that someone or many of you could give me a little advice or shed light on my confusion.

I met a guy on new years eve, we casually started seeing each other for about 3 months, during those 3 months things got difficult as he hates commitment, he has been hurt in the past, however the more attached I grew the more he moved back, he decided to leave things after that but we became very very close friends, we do everything together, we speak almost everyday via text, calls or Facebook (more from him than me), he comes over and cooks me dinner at least twice a week or I go to his house and we cook there, he gets jealous when I see other guys, he texts me or calls me sometimes when he has been out to let me know that he is home. We have not slept together since we 'broke up' we get on sooooooo well... this has been going on for about 4 months, he has told me before in a drunken conversation that he does have feelings for me. Last night we got chatting again and I had to know as it is driving me slightly insane, what his feelings were for me, he said he has feelings for me he just doesn't know what they are yet?? I am scared out of my mind that I will loose him as a friend now that I have opened up and told him that I have feelings for him, I told him that I don't want anything to change between us yet and enjoy the time that we spend together, I expressed how I would feel if he started dating someone else etc. I am also scared that he backs away to avoid hurting me. What must I do? Please someone out there help me. X

[Cat1864]

Did he know how you felt about him when you 'broke up'? If so and he continued the 'friendship' then I don't think he will back off to spare you hurt. Instead, IF he backs off, it will be once again to protect himself.

I think what you need to decide is if you are willing to let the relationship develop at its own pace. How far are you willing to allow the friendship to go without knowing exactly where you stand? Are you willing to be committed to him without putting a label of 'girlfriend/boyfriend' on it?

[londongirl111]

Thank you for your advice Cat1864, I saw him this morning and he seemed to be OK, a little distracted but then he was getting ready to go to work. I am willing to let the relationship develop at its on pace at the moment. He has become an important part of my life and I don't want to loose him. I suffer from a very low self esteem and I have never been this comfortable with any man that I have had feelings for. I guess with him, I have to be patient and let it develop on its own, there is no point in me putting pressure on him, as this has never worked before. Thank you again for you advice.x

[talaniman]

I think you enjoy this friendship, and see where it leads, so that may mean you work on your own self esteem, by building a life that makes you happy without him. That balance may give you patience, and not depend on his company so much, and you can learn to back up yourself, to protect yourself, and replace fear, worry, and insecurity of doing the wrong things to push him away, with more realistic expectations for what you have between you.

You really do need to develop the confidence to explore ALL your other options, and opportunities, simply because even though there is no commitment, or official titles, you have in essence committed to him, and being with him, and that's not fair to you.

You have expressed your feelings and hopes of more, and I just think he needs to work as hard as you do, and pursue you a bit, as you have a right to know what his intentions are for the long run. It rock the boat some, but waiting for someone to commit to you after a time is a waste of time, but its only been 7 months, and for sure you will have to define what your doing together, if for no other reason to make it clear what the boundaries of good behavior are, because friends, even great friends is one thing, but lovers is quite another.

If all he wants is friendship, then why put your life on hold for more? Be honest with yourself, and him about it, so You don't continue acting like a committed girlfriend, waiting on him to get it, or realize what he is doing with all his attentions to you. If that's all he wants is friendship, then you are to available, and to dependent on his attention and need to back off, and balance your life with other things besides him. That's for your own good.

[londongirl111]

I think you hit the nail on the head of that one, you are very very right, I am completely dependent on him and I do act more like a committed girlfriend than a friend. You are also right that I need to broaden my circle and go out more, and meet more people. He is not my boyfriend and I am not his girlfriend and I think it is perhaps time to back off a little bit. Thank you for your awesome response it has lifted my sad mood completely.

[londongirl111]

Right Gals and Guys

Everyone that I have spoken to has said that I need to back off a bit from this guy I really like, he is confused about his feelings for me, says he has feelings but doesn't know what they are... He doesn't want to committ but has taken another girl out a few times.. (yes I am going out of my mind)...

Thing is I really don't know how to back off, it is the hardest thing for me to do because obviously I like him a lot and obviously every time he calls and wants to hang out, I do...

How do you back off a little bit without making it too obvious, baring in mind we are very good friends and we do a lot together.

HELP
X

[kctiger]

You give him space and you don't push him to make a decision. If what he wants doesn't coincide with what you want, you back off even more. If you start developing romantic interest for your good friends, it is best to develop space, unless they feel the same way.

Can you tell me your age? Speaking in strong generality, guys like a little bit of a challenge and chase. If you're there every time he calls and available every time he wants you to be, it isn't much of a turn on.

Just take it slow, calm down, and do not think with your feelings... for now.

[talaniman]

Just curious, why are you always available when he calls? What else to you have going on in your life? That's the best way I know to back away from someone, or some situation, is having a life that you enjoy, and be busy, and balanced in all the areas of your life.

[Jake2008]

What's with this 'fear of committment' thinking- that would have meant, having your cake and eating it too in words of the not so long ago past.

If he has a problem, and throws up roadblocks, for whatever reason, then it is up to him to deal with his issues.

Just as any decent human being should do, he should be honest.

Bundling up his fears, immaturity, or decisions into a neat little package that says, 'committment issues', somehow lets men like this off the hook. Indeed, we feel sorry that they have this 'problem' with relationships, and accept the way they take what they need, when they want it, without question or consideration for the other person involved.

Another old fashioned word was, 'copout', which is what your boyfriend is doing. Also known as the easy way out, taking the back road, and hiding one's head in the sand.

Be prepared to simply arrange a confrontation of sorts. Don't buy the 'my mother hit me with a fryin' pan when I was 16' as an excuse. Don't buy any excuses.

You need to know what this guy is going to about his 'issues', and then make an informed decision as to whether you are willing to be in an unbalanced relationship, where your needs will never be met. It's up to you.

[londongirl111]

I have written on this forum before explaining my situation but will re-explain it as I think it just keeps getting more and more complicated and really need some more advice.

I am in love with a friend of mine... we kind of dated a couple of months ago, it didn't work out cos he didn't want to commit and for the last 6 months we have been very very close friends. We do everything together and in the past 6 months have only been able to go 2 days without having contact with each other. He comes over and visits me, cooks me dinner, chills at mine and vice versa. EVERYONE assumes we are together because of the closeness of our friendship but we are not. We speak our feelings toward each other often but never reach a solution, it is always me telling him how I have strong feelings for him and him either turning around and saying he has feelings for me and doesn't know what they are, or he is still in love with his ex girlfriend or that he just wants his freedom and doesn't want to commit to anything. He has started seeing this other girl once in a while and swears that nothing has happened between them. Last night we were out together and the drinks were flowing and he opened up quite a bit. He admitted to being jealous about other boys, he ended up putting his arms around me and asking me to stay over at his house. We did not sleep together but we kissed. This morning he was quite affectionate towards me, hugging me and cuddling with me, it was like what it was when we first hooked up. We have not hooked up for about 6 months but then all of a sudden last night it happens...

I just don't know what to do anymore, last night he told me that he blew off this other girl to come to the party with me, today I had to call him to ask him something and we chatted for a while.

I just don't know whether I am wasting my time and if I need to distance myself more. I don't think I have ever felt like this about a guy before and it is killing me to know that he is not ready for a relationship with me but is OK with seeing other girls.

Is he hiding his feelings for a reason? Should I move on and have no contact with him for a while? (really don't think I can deal with that) or do I accept just being his friend and wait until he finally if ever comes to his senses and wants to be with me. I feel hopeless, down and depressed. Why I am not good enough for him? Why can't he admit to having feelings for me? And why can't he see how good no great we are together. We make each other laugh, we are so comfortable with each other.

We are both 26.

Any advice at this point would be wonderful cos I don't think I can carry on like this for much longer. PLEASE HELP
x

PS I have taken previous advice that was posted on my last discussion, I got a life and started living it, tried to distance myself and it didn't work, I do my own thing now quite a bit, but I still have this longing of being with him.

[Homegirl 50]

He will not express feelings he does not have.
It appears as though he does not feel for you what you feel for him.
What you need to do is to remove yourself from this twisted relationship because you are going to end up being hurt.
Accept it and stop hanging out with him. And please don't get into a physical relationship with him, you relegate yourself to booty call and you will feel even worse.

[talaniman]

Time to back all the way off and remove yourself from this situation all together. Hey, you tried and its NOT going to work out, and its time to stop chasing, hoping, and being an option in someone's life.

Time will heal you, but trying to maintain a friendship while you hope it leads somewhere is a waste of time and will hurt even more than leaving him alone NOW!

[londongirl111]

Thank you for your advice, you are right that it is time to stop being an option in someone's life. I need to be with someone that wants to be with me and not just confuse the hell out of me. I will try again to completely back the hell off even if it is the hardest thing I will probably have to do, however I might not need to back off as it seems he is already doing it, the usual pattern, going into his little hole, enjoying himself tonight and doesn't have a care in the world that I am sitting at home with a very sore heart. You are both right that I am going to get very very hurt. I text him now to thank him for looking after me today (I lost my phone and keys in a cab on my way to his last night), he hasn't replied and probably won't. But a quick question how do I back off? Obviously I know the whole don't text him or call him, but what if he texts and calls me, what if he wants to come over and see me? What do I do? I probably sound like the most pathetic 26 year old but I just need help.x

[talaniman]

but what if he texts and calls me, what if he wants to come over and see me? What do I do?

If you have other plans its easy to say No, I am busy. Does it make sense to be so available for what he wants and he is doing his thing other wise? Get a thing that's yours, and do it. If you have read other posts what I tell people is build a life that you enjoy without them. Then you don't have no MAKE excuses, or be an option to any one because you will have your own options to pursue.

You really have to work hard to be bored, obsessed, lonely, or even broken hearted, and rejected, when you have your own thing to do, and not DEPENDENT on any one to make you happy.

Its called an attitude adjustment.

[Homegirl 50]

Stop being available to him. When he calls and wants to see you, you're busy. Don't answer his texts. He will soon get the message.
Get a life apart from him.

[londongirl111]

I am trying really hard to do all that you guys are telling me, but it is just very very hard, especially when he has been part of my life for 8 months, we speak almost everyday, however it seems that I will probably not have to back off as it seems today that he is doing it. Makes me so sad :(

[talaniman]

I understand your feelings getting you down, we ALL do. Its human and normal. But its about dealing with your feelings, and doing what needs to be done to cope with your situation. We all know how hard it is to accept the end of a relationship, as we all know that in time it gets better when you heal properly, and recover from your loss.

Yes, it may be the hardest thing you will ever do, but its important that you go through it, and learn from this experience to move forward. It's the right thing to do.

[londongirl111]

Just thought I would update you... We had a chat last night, I asked him if he thought we spent too much time together and he said yes, he also said that he thinks it would do us both good if we had a bit of distance for about a week, which I agreed with him and said I also think it is a good idea. So yeah here we go, day 1... lets see how long this lasts.

[asking]

His always pulling away first makes you feel rejected and it's harder to walk away when the other person always walks away first. But you can do it.

I can pretty much guarantee that if you get busy--sign up for a class or a volunteer project that keeps you busy with others for the next few weeks--he'll be back wanting to come make you dinner. You are his company until he finds a real girlfriend, if ever. But I think no contact is a good goal here.

He is really not thinking about your feelings at all. The fact that he is jealous of other men but dates others himself is a really bad sign. This is not a man who even cares about fairness. It's time to look out for yourself.

[londongirl111]

Thank you for your response Asking, you are 100% correct. It is so weird that for the first time today, I have woken up and it is like I can breathe again. So far I am not feeling sad about this decision but rather I completely know that it is the right thing to do. His confusion confuses me and Iwas starting to turn into someone that I didn't know and really didn't like. Lets just hope that this break does us the world of good. I go back to work on Tuesday which is great and will be a very good distraction for me. Thank you again x