[SamBuzz]

Just to make sure I wasn't tripping, maybe her invite was for real, early yesterday morning I texted her:
"I got my swim trunks on already! lol!"
She texted back: "Its ugly out n we wil do us 2mornw"

Last week, when she had me out buying stuff for her party, she talked about how she had a really great place in mind for us to go for her birthday, today (Monday), could I take time off work that. ("You'll have access to your bank on Monday right?" she asked... "Sure thing!")


She assured me she would have a plate of leftovers from her party for me on Sunday, but I told her it would be fine, I'd be happy to have them for lunch on Monday, no need for me to spend 90 minutes round trip on Sunday evening to pick up leftovers I could pick up when I drive by her place Monday morning on my commute to work. But she assured me she wanted me to have them on Sunday... Well, after her call for directions to pickup the fruitbasket, surprise, no more call from her in the evening as to when to pick up a plate of leftovers.

At about 10pm, I text her "Good night love, hope you had a great birthday party, happy birthday to you..." No response...

This morning I didn't hear from her as early as usual. I am thinking to myself, "Hmmm... Maybe the other guy actually bought her a car for her birthday party, and now I am cut off." And if not today, maybe tomorrow he will buy her the car. Or next week. She once told me she likes the competition between us, she claims he keeps trying to compete with me...

This morning she calls me, saying her brother (underemployed tattoo artist who always needs to borrow some money when I see him (except he never pays back, so he needs gifts too)) told her that she should call me. She was telling me she got a present from everyone, about 10, (then she said 15) presents, and $156 cash. (She was seriously discussing the other day to charge guests $1 per drink at her party... )

She then tells me her place is a mess, people are still there, she's still a bit hungover, and she really hates the guy she lives with. "He's in the bathroom, but I dont care if he hears me." She claims she told everyone in the middle of the party that she was really unhappy, everyone got quiet, then went back to partying, and she said the guy said to her "Why did you have to say something like that to everyone?"

Then she let me know she wants to call off our get together for during the day today, she says she so didn't want to cancel, so could we instead do Black Angus for her birthday dinner tonight? And we would definitely have a roll in the hay afterwards... And would I be sure to call her as soon as I get to work. She says she really misses me. Me: "OK dear, glad you got some nice presents, I'll go to work, see you later. Happy birthday to you...."

I drive to work, thinking about a cool idea for a card. I have been too burnt out to really have much fun shopping for gifts for her. I think of her demands for a car, and how as a kid, my parents got me socks at Christmas and taught me I should be as happy with a pair of socks as a toy. (They also got me some toys too that holiday, but I don't remember what they were. But I still remember the point.)

I've already furnished a lot for her party, $135 basket, $150 in party favors, $140 cash, repaired her car earlier this month (ok that's maybe not fair), I thought of a couple of other things.

I thought of getting her a Macy's gift card, but then I thought maybe I would give her the money, with a string taped to each bill, (a string attached, get it?) with a card on the end specifying what that piece of money should be spent for. One piece of money for "Love", one for "Happiness", and one for "Wealth". Probably hundred dollar bills. I'm kind of excited about the kookie what to make a fun gift out of being too lazy and unmotivated to go shopping. I also got some zirconium earings that she saw that she wanted, (haven't seen her wear the diamond earings I bought her last year in quite a while.)

About an 90 minutes later, as I am driving to work, but had stopped to look for cards for her, I find out she texted me, "Im thinking 2morow wil b best 4 us hope that wil nt affect us let me kn - HAPPI BDAY 2 ME"

I think about that for a while. "Affect us"? What little there is of us, I think to myself. No, not at all...

I decide it is her birthday, and I'm not going to make any waves. That once I get to work I'll text her "Whatever you think is best for us. Plan your birthday for your happiness. Happy birthday to you."

Most of my enthusiasm about the card and the three gifts inside waning, I get back on my bike to drive to work, no cards in hand (too early stores at mall still closed), considering making them be $1 bills with strings attached. Maybe to hairballs.

I think about a friend who sells nice cars, and I consider asking to borrow a car from him to meet her in tomorrow, and when she wonders if the car is her gift for her birthday, I can say something like, "Well, it's past your birthday this year, maybe next time you have a birthday that I'm actuallly a significant part of, you'll find out." I look at some used cars, and consider buying one for me, just for a day. Too much bother... I'm not so into games. I consider just talking to her like an adult about how unacceptable everyone finds her demands, and that the car is not going to make her happy. Instead, I'd like to help her do something about where she lives, if she can find a place of her own to live, and show me I am really welcome in her life, maybe we can discuss the car someday in the future.

I get to work finally, it's 80 minutes later, (I spent a lot of time driving around thinking of all your responses I read here, and other places I posted this question.)

And she is calling as I arrive at work, but I finish driving in the parking garage to park my motorcycle. She knows I drive a motorcycle, and I can't always talk on the cell phone while driving, I will usually pull over at the next exit and call her back. By the time I get parked, I have two angry messages from her:

9:46am "I dont feel like hearing the bull that you spitting out to me today, you know I'm calling you, I asked you give me a call. So be it, forget it. I'm not fixing to go through that with you.
I think you a little upset because I cancelled, I didn't mean to cancel. I called you early and said hey we can do something tomorrow.
And it is my birthday, but i dont care, I'm not happy about my birthday anyway.
When you get this message know I called you, If I dont answer, its simply because I am simply busy.
I'm going to talk to you later,
you have a great day.

And:
9:47am "Second time I called you, I texted you too, no response.
I'm going to enjoy my day. Have a good day. Bye."

I had not yet called her back or texted her...

"

I had not yet called her back or texted her....

"? Nah... Not much left to affect...

We text back and forth:
Me: Just arrived at work... whatever you feel is best about today or tomorrow. Plan your birthday however makes you happy. Happy birthday to u. Love u."

She: "? Nah... Not much left to affect....

We text back and forth:
Me: Just arrived at work... whatever u feel is best about today or tommorrow. Plan ur birthday however makes u happy. Happy birthday to u. Love u."

Me: "I have fd 4 u n get rm by me ok nd 2 feel u bt im upset @ u - HAPPI BDAY 2 ME"
Me: "Just heard ur msgs. No clue y u upset with me. If it makes u feel better call n unload on me."
Her: "Otherwise try to have a happy birthday. If u change ur mind about dinner, let me know an hour or so ahead, dinner would be nice. Happy birthday to you."
Me: Yeah... Miss giving me a lashing and a beating if nothing else... lol! Happy Birthday to you!
Her: Thank u
Her: No u my air mis u
Me: I feel the same about you...



Not at all surprised about the cancels... I'm still waiting for the trip to Black Angus she promised me from back on birthday on the 4th. Or, if she can't afford that, showing up at my hotel room one of the 5 evenings since then that I've been in town, with a nice fresh home cooked meal. Or even showing up and saying, "Love u mis u" Sigh...

Maybe when I see her, there will be no birthday card at all... "Order us a pizza, or Chinese food, and lets watch a movie..."

Nah, not much left to affect...

[Kitkat22]

Just to make sure I wasn't tripping, maybe her invite was for real, early yesterday morning I texted her:
"I got my swim trunks on already! lol!"
She texted back: "Its ugly out n we wil do us 2mornw"

Last week, when she had me out buying stuff for her party, she talked about how she had a really great place in mind for us to go for her birthday, today (Monday), could I take time off work that. ("You'll have access to your bank on Monday right?" she asked... "Sure thing!")


She assured me she would have a plate of leftovers from her party for me on Sunday, but I told her it would be fine, I'd be happy to have them for lunch on Monday, no need for me to spend 90 minutes round trip on Sunday evening to pick up leftovers I could pick up when I drive by her place Monday morning on my commute to work. But she assured me she wanted me to have them on Sunday..... Well, after her call for directions to pickup the fruitbasket, surprise, no more call from her in the evening as to when to pick up a plate of leftovers.

At about 10pm, I text her "Good night love, hope you had a great birthday party, happy birthday to you..." No response....

This morning I didn't hear from her as early as usual. I am thinking to myself, "Hmmm... Maybe the other guy actually bought her a car for her birthday party, and now I am cut off." And if not today, maybe tommorrow he will buy her the car. Or next week. She once told me she likes the competition between us, she claims he keeps trying to compete with me....

This morning she calls me, saying her brother (underemployed tattoo artist who always needs to borrow some money when I see him (except he never pays back, so he needs gifts too)) told her that she should call me. She was telling me she got a present from everyone, about 10, (then she said 15) presents, and $156 cash. (She was seriously discussing the other day to charge guests $1 per drink at her party....)

She then tells me her place is a mess, people are still there, shes still a bit hungover, and she really hates the guy she lives with. "He's in the bathroom, but I dont care if he hears me." She claims she told everyone in the middle of the party that she was really unhappy, everyone got quiet, then went back to partying, and she said the guy said to her "Why did you have to say something like that to everyone?"

Then she let me know she wants to call off our get together for during the day today, she says she so didn't want to cancel, so could we instead do Black Angus for her birthday dinner tonight? And we would definitely have a roll in the hay afterwards.... And would I be sure to call her as soon as I get to work. She says she really misses me. Me: "OK dear, glad you got some nice presents, I'll go to work, see you later. Happy birthday to you...."

I drive to work, thinking about a cool idea for a card. I have been too burnt out to really have much fun shopping for gifts for her. I think of her demands for a car, and how as a kid, my parents got me socks at Christmas and taught me I should be as happy with a pair of socks as a toy. (They also got me some toys too that holiday, but I dont remember what they were. But I still remember the point.)

I've already furnished a lot for her party, $135 basket, $150 in party favors, $140 cash, repaired her car earlier this month (ok that's maybe not fair), I thought of a couple of other things.

I thought of getting her a Macy's gift card, but then I thought maybe I would give her the money, with a string taped to each bill, (a string attached, get it?) with a card on the end specifying what that piece of money should be spent for. One piece of money for "Love", one for "Happiness", and one for "Wealth". Probably hundred dollar bills. I'm kind of excited about the kookie what to make a fun gift out of being too lazy and unmotivated to go shopping. I also got some zirconium earings that she saw that she wanted, (haven't seen her wear the diamond earings I bought her last year in quite a while.)

About an 90 minutes later, as I am driving to work, but had stopped to look for cards for her, I find out she texted me, "Im thinking 2morow wil b best 4 us hope that wil nt affect us let me kn - HAPPI BDAY 2 ME"

I think about that for a while. "Affect us"? What little there is of us, I think to myself. No, not at all....

I decide it is her birthday, and I'm not going to make any waves. That once I get to work I'll text her "Whatever you think is best for us. Plan your birthday for your happiness. Happy birthday to you."

Most of my enthusiasm about the card and the three gifts inside waning, I get back on my bike to drive to work, no cards in hand (too early stores at mall still closed), considering making them be $1 bills with strings attached. Maybe to hairballs.

I think about a friend who sells nice cars, and I consider asking to borrow a car from him to meet her in tommorrow, and when she wonders if the car is her gift for her birthday, I can say something like, "Well, it's past your birthday this year, maybe next time you have a birthday that I'm actuallly a significant part of, you'll find out." I look at some used cars, and consider buying one for me, just for a day. Too much bother.... I'm not so into games. I consider just talking to her like an adult about how unacceptable everyone finds her demands, and that the car is not going to make her happy. Instead, I'd like to help her do something about where she lives, if she can find a place of her own to live, and show me I am really welcome in her life, maybe we can discuss the car someday in the future.

I get to work finally, it's 80 minutes later, (I spent a lot of time driving around thinking of all your responses I read here, and other places I posted this question.)

And she is calling as I arrive at work, but I finish driving in the parking garage to park my motorcycle. She knows I drive a motorcycle, and I can't always talk on the cell phone while driving, I will usually pull over at the next exit and call her back. By the time I get parked, I have two angry messages from her:

9:46am "I dont feel like hearing the bull that you spitting out to me today, you know I'm calling you, I asked you give me a call. So be it, forget it. I'm not fixing to go through that with you.
I think you a little upset because I cancelled, I didn't mean to cancel. I called you early and said hey we can do something tomorrow.
And it is my birthday, but i dont care, I'm not happy about my birthday anyway.
When you get this message know I called you, If I dont answer, its simply because I am simply busy.
I'm going to talk to you later,
you have a great day.

And:
9:47am "Second time I called you, I texted you too, no response.
I'm going to enjoy my day. Have a good day. Bye."

I had not yet called her back or texted her....

"Affect us"? Nah... Not much left to affect....

We text back and forth:
Me: Just arrived at work... whatever u feel is best about today or tommorrow. Plan ur birthday however makes u happy. Happy birthday to u. Love u."

She: "I have fd 4 u n get rm by me ok nd 2 feel u bt im upset @ u - HAPPI BDAY 2 ME"

Me: "Just heard ur msgs. No clue y u upset with me. If it makes u feel better call n unload on me."
Me: "Otherwise try to have a happy birthday. If u change ur mind about dinner, let me know an hour or so ahead, dinner would be nice. Happy birthday to you."
Her: "Love u mis u"
Me: Yeah... Miss giving me a lashing and a beating if nothing else... lol! Happy Birthday to you!
Her: Thank u
Her: No u my air mis u
Me: I feel the same about you...



Not at all surprised about the cancels.... I'm still waiting for the trip to Black Angus she promised me from back on birthday on the 4th. Or, if she can't afford that, showing up at my hotel room one of the 5 evenings since then that i've been in town, with a nice fresh home cooked meal. Or even showing up and saying, "Order us a pizza, or Chinese food, and lets watch a movie..." Sigh....

Maybe when I see her, there will be no birthday card at all.... "Sorry, I never give belated birthday cards or gifts."

Nah, not much left to affect...

Please don't use text speak. Now retype this in sentences we understand. Thanks

[Just Looking]

Nah, not much left to affect...

You said this several times. Was there ever anything to affect? Did you really read the responses? Did you think about them? This is not a relationship. She is sucking you dry. Why are you letting her do this? Get out now and get your life on track. I'm wondering if you have ever had a good relationship. I'm wondering how you feel about yourself. If this is any indication, you have a lot of work to do on your own feelings of self-worth.

[SamBuzz]

No... I didn't buy a car... The most I might have done was give her an allowance for the next couple of weeks, and a nice birthday card with quirky strings attached, but the odds of that are going down by the minute...

BTW, the last time I did go on an errand look at a car that she had found online near my place, a few weeks ago, she was just sitting at home with a friend, she didn't have time to drive out to meet me to see the car. Later that day when I saw her, I proposed I would buy the car in both our names, it could be something for us, but for her exclusive use. And she was angry "Just forget it then." Hmm... What does she want, transportation, or a trophy?

I noticed later that when she was sitting at home that morning, she was spending time posting pictures on her Facebook page "My godbabies, my man, and me..." I wasn't in the pictures.

Was glad I hadn't bought the car that day.

Been giving her another few weeks to see if she could shape up, but we're all agreed, it's just not possible.

[Just Looking]

Was "her man" her roommate or some other man? Doesn't that tell you all you need to know.

Her time should have been up a long time ago.

[Wondergirl]

You, my young friend, are a gifted writer. Don't forget that if you are ever casting about for another career.

I think you are beginning to smell the dirty socks under the bed, aren't you.


I'm betting she's long since sold the diamond earrings you gave her. And wanting to charge money for drinks at her own birthday party?? "Happy birthday to me" multiple times, even when the birthday is over??

[Kitkat22]

Leave and thank God you are smart enough to know she's using you!

[SamBuzz]

Its called cognitive disonance, and it's painful...

Heart wants to believe the words "I'm so unhappy, but you're my best friend, I do care about you, I'm not out to get you, I do love you, it's not that I dont want to see you I really do,", and the mind saying "Woah... Wait a minute, actions speak louder than words...."

I really hate to give up on people. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and think the best of them, but that puts me at a clear disadvantage in a situation like this one.

I've thought a lot about self-esteem, and I don't think that is the issue. That's intact, I know I'm a good person, I know I'm worthwhile. And I know putting up with her BS won't get me any closer to sainthood.

A certain part of me is like a deer frozen in the headlights when dealing with someone with these kinds of actions. It baffles me.

Yes, she does some drugs: Weed and alcohol, and nothing else, she claims. I don't do either, except a very little bit with her. And it has been very interesting occasionally doing a couple of hits of weed with her, I can now better understand her thought processes. I can understand why my longer, drawn out, carefully constructed thoughts are so frustrating to someone on weed, I can't think like that when I am on it with her, and it is frustrating. All you can handle on weed is a sound bite.

Each time I've hit weed with her, maybe a couple of puffs every couple of weeks, that is enough to trip me for 4 hours. She claims after smoking a whole joint, she's off the high within an hour.

I don't think I've given her enough money to support him, her stories about being very selfish are very believable... She gets very upset at the idea that he is benefiting from what I give her. She's very likely freeloading off him too.

Except for she watches his daughter, she does their laundry, cleans their apartment, throws parties there, etc. I have tried to explain while she might not give him my money, money is fungible. If he doesn't have to support her expenses, because I am supporting her expenses, then he is saving a lot of money that he can spend on fun things, like taking her to vegas.

I once thought if she was at least honest about her situation, I could hang with it a while longer, and give her time to work it out. But I don't need her upset in my life. I'm realizing even if I helped her get her own apartment, even that won't be enough. She's just a plainly unhappy, self-centered person, who probably on some level knows she is using people, but either doesn't care, or feels even worse about herself as a result.

The occasional charm isn't worth all the baggage that goes along with it.

So much for thinking it could be like "Pretty Lady"...

[DoulaLC]

"The occassional charm isn't worth all the baggage that goes along with it."

Says a great deal, doesn't it?

I've said this on other threads: You can really care about a person, even love them, but that doesn't make them the best partner for you.

The more you write, the more you see for yourself what has been going on. She is not mature enough for a truly respectful relationship. Be careful not to let your past together and your feelings of wanting to rescue and help her cause your judgment to be clouded.

Step back... maybe take some time apart, and look at it all clearly. The car ultimatum can provide you with an out. You may find you have a new perspective on the relationship and where to go with it next after some time apart.

[Kitkat22]

Hey we're here if you need us. Now about that Lexus I like (kidding):D

[talaniman]

I will bet if you read this whole thing twice, you would slap yourself 3 times, for being a very foolish fellow.

[Kitkat22]

I will bet if you read this whole thing twice, you would slap yourself 3 times, for being a very foolish fellow.

LOL... Tal... I still want a Lexus OP:D

[SamBuzz]

Here's a fun new wrinkle...

No car bought. Yesterday was her birthday, but she didn't have time for me that day, or the previous day. I still bought her some bodywashes from victorias secret, and some zirconium earings. Polled the girl at the jewelry store about the situation, yet another person who agrees with everyone here. I later showed jewelry store girl the things from victorias secret, and I gave her one of the perfumes for being so nice...

Anyhow, saw the girl today for breakfast, gave her the presents, she tossed them in back of her car like they were nothing didn't even look at the card, or in the bag. Topic of conversation: How unhappy she is with her birthday. How she didn't get to go to an $800 Pips 14th Annual Party In Palm Springs 2010 weekend. She had told me about that back in April or May, and said we could go with her cousin in his new mercedes. I was really excited this was a step forward, but before I know it, she cancels the idea, says she wants to go alone or with a girlfriend. So I don't buy her the ticket, she can buy it out of her own money, or the budget I give her, I'm not paying for it as a bonus on top of everything else. I already paid for too many parties and vacations in the last year where I wasn't included... she claims repeatedly she was trying to find a girlfriend to go with, because she knew she didn't want to go with me, and she didn't want to go with him. She just likes to hang with her girlfriends she claims. I told her not my problem, I gave her more than enough money over last few months, she could have easily afforded it if she really wanted it. Or she could have let us go together, I would have made the reservation in a flash (uh, yeah, realizing I could get cancelled somehow at the last minute, while she still goes... I give her some credit for changing her mind about aking me before I got the reservation for us... See why I am a bit confused? She could have got me for me for more things, but she wasn't smooth enough... )

BTW, her Facebook on Friday night indicated she was on her way to Palm Springs (6-8 hour drive), but she was calling me on Saturday morning telling me about looking at $6900 cadillac and getting it mechanically tested, but it didn't work out, then she's back for her pool party on Sunday, Sunday morning claiming to me to have been up the whole night before... Who knows what is true? Was the palm springs mention on Facebook just bait to see if I noticed, so she could accuse me of snooping. Was it just to sound cool to friends? I don't know... Maybe not even she knows.

Facebook entries several times over last few days "Hi face book fans... I'm high"... or "I'm drunk...." I'm just watching, but trying to get the point through my thick skull "I don't drink... I dont get high... Do I really want to see my resources disipated like this for rest of my life..."

And of course, most important topic of discussion: how she is unhappy she doesn't have her new car for her birthday...

I am not real quick about these things when I first hear them, but thanks to thinking on all this, I had some quick responses.

Early on, she mentioned again if the other guy buys her a car, then she is leaving me alone. I instantly asked, "So if I buy you a car, you'll leave him alone?"

No, of course not, that is where she lives, was the response...

I respond "If he knew all he has to do to get me out of the picture is buy you a car, then I'm sure he'll buy you two."

Told her I wonder if the reason I didn't see her for her birthday party, or at all on her birthday, is that maybe he had bought her a car. She thought that was silly of me to think. Hey, I heard it from her own mouth...

I told her, gee, he buys a car, I am gone, but if I buy a car, he is not gone, wow, sucks to be me, huh?

We get to a restaurant for breakfast, Long discussion, lost my appetite for breakfast... Let her talk a bunch of stuff out... Lots of talk, several "I don't care if you believe me, but I just said the truth"'s, etc. I just mostly listen, some of it sort of rings together as a very angry, aggravated person, trying to navigate two guys at once, not sure if she should just throw us both away to be more happy, or find someone new, or if I go, fine, go, she'll get someone else on the side, she's had guys on the side before. All over the map.

When we very first got together, she was living at her grandpas house, and as far as I know not hanging with this guy she lives with. She used to come and spend the night with me sometimes. The last time that was nice was July 4th weekend last year. There was once more @ Christmas, but she made it so clear she wanted to be anywhere else, except the part of the 24 hours together that was spent shopping, it was very uncomfortable, I kept offering her to just cancel it, but she stuck with it because she felt she had to... Several times she had promised to work in overnighters back into our schedule, but it has never happened, and I wanted those as much as she wants a car. I told her that. She said she isn't doing them, no matter what, she don't do that.

She discussed some other things where she complains about what I am doing, but she is doing the same things, but according to her I am selfish, she is not... I remind her I am also very generous with her, is she with me?

She cuts off the discussion, but I still manage to say "the last week was really nice, compared to the last 10 weeks that were garbage. If you had made the last 10 weeks as nice as the last week, instead of the pressure games, you might have had another car on your birthday." I told her I even looked for cars yesterday, but she laughed at the idea I could pick the right car, she is picky, I keep thinking something sensible, and maintainble, within budget, like maybe a 2003 Honda Civic LX. She keeps thinking late 90's STS cadillac, what she says she wanted last year... I reminded her that we have yet to go together in the last two months to look at any suitable cars.

I told her I'd solicited responses from several places online about what she said, and I have yet to find anyone in about 50 total responses that agrees with her, so far it seems she is the only person in the world who thinks she is reasonable, I've rarely found such unanimous advice against someone before.

Well, we leave breakfast, she warns me not to talk about the topic anymore. We go to a theatre. I am too upset to pick a movie. We talk a bit more. She says she told me goodbye back at the restaurant, but we are still together at the theatre. She thinks its OK to do a lot of "We're over", then get back together a couple or a few days later (like when she needs more money), and I should forget all about the lost days and cancellations in between.

She says she knows I love her, but I don't realize she really loves me. Ditto vice versa, or something like that...

We go to a bowling alley, she has no patience to wait for anything. In the bowling alley parking lot, she finally opens her cars, and is very impressed with the various body washes and fragrances, then she opens the earnings, and finds the two sets of zirconum earings. Apparently one set resembles some earings she talks of putting on lay away several months ago. Apparently she thinks mine are real diamonds. I don't claim they are, I just say they look very beautiful on you. She tries to get me to say the price, the size, can she get them cleaned, do I still have the receipt? She's clever. I tell her "that's like asking a woman her age...."... I also did my "string attached" idea with a couple of 100's, she thought that was neat, but expected a third hundred for the three wishes. "Nope, you gotta figure out how to split the 2 towards something for each of the 3 wishes. And you have to tell show me what they were spent on, remember, strings attached...." She is overcome with emotion, says she really loves her gifts, I made her day, confesses to very bad behavior, lots of hugs, she even gets me crying a bit with her.

We bowl a few games, lots of talk about her friends, discussions during the party, who is moved in with her, who is arguing with who. Always something going...

She's finally acting and talking like a reasonable person. Actually nice to be with. She calls herself bipolar. I'm wondering multiple personalities, except there are no differing voices like sometimes happen with that. She does have two distinctly different modes though.

And more talk about cars. She tells me about ones she looked at. What about getting this kind of car? Or that kind of car? I ask "Are they available for $4K? If they are moer, it will take time to save for it..." What do I do in the meantime she asks... I describe to her again my preferred route which is to wait for the head gasket to blow in her current car, and then just replace the engine with a 40K mile engine from japan, and end up with a car she has said she really likes, with everything pretty good on it. "What about where the front bumper got pushed out, what about new paint job?" she asks. I say that is easy, I got friends with a body shop. She says she will think seriously about it.

We go back to my room, have some fun, then she goes off to help the guy she lives with on something or other... She promises to slip out tonight to see me for dinner...

Well, dinner is cancelled, I am texted "Don't be mad...." I'm not. I had a blast this evening hanging out with her brother.

He laughs at the whole thing. Tells me if I got what the woman wants, I should call the shots. Tell her go here, go there, and she will if she wants what I have to offer... he promises to give me some group therapy... I told how proud I was of my "so if i buy you a car, then he is gone? No? Gee.. sucks to be me..."

He and I had a really good time hanging out, he introduced me to some friends who stopped by his grandpas place, I had a nice time visiting with his mom, and his grandpa.

But here is the real wrinkle... Stay tuned...

[SamBuzz]

BTW, she really likes makeup sex after an argument...

After one of our reunions, she texts me:
"Look, I love you and we are BFF life and I love u" (Sorry for chat speak, BFF = best friends for)

I play with it a bit, and text back: "Best fighters for life? I hope not, at least not without a lot of immediate mind blowing makeup sex... But I would rather mind blowing sex without the fights"

She texts back: "LOL! I'm upset at you, but in a minute you are my baby"

Anyhow, all seemed good this afternoon when she left after bowling and a visit.

A little background...

About a month ago, she tells me she had decided we could open a joint bank account together as an "Us" thing, to show me she is trying to make progress on an us. She talks about putting my name on her bank account (which she keeps overdrafting, and I keeping bailing her out on several times. She doesn't understand why she can't just rely on calling and getting the balance on the phone, and how dare they don't properly report ATM charges outstanding but not yet cleared... try to teach her how to do a check register but she refuses... ) Anyhow, she suggests opening a new account as something we can do together. Its mainly for her, I have my own accounts, wouldn't even dare to put her name on any of them, it would just be nice to have a new account with her that maybe could get run right.

I put some money in the new account. Make it very clear it is buffer money, never to be spent. Since it is with her bank, I allow the statements to go to her place, along with the ATM cards, etc.

This is an "us" thing, in large part to get me to feel more comfortable about the car she wants...

The next week is when we have the blowup about "I dont have money for the STS today", and she cuts me off. Very shortly after that phone call where she cuts me off, she calls me, and demands to know if I want the money in our joint account or should she just keep it, and then hangs up.

I don't answer right away, but the principle was "ours", not hers.. I'm trying to figure out how to respond without anger... Maybe an hour later she texts me "You dont have to answer, I take it its mine Sam, thanku, leaving bank now."

She beat me to my response that I was working on, and sent: "No the bank account was ours. But if you want ot st**l it for yourself and squash it, let ur heartand what u think is right be ur guide. It is sad if you think you need to lie and steal from me, or us, to get what I would just give you if you could let your heart run your mouth and actions instead of the something else that keeps taking over...." (I so wanted to say rear-end, but I try to be a gentleman in word, if not in thought... ) I tried to explain what I said in the text, wondering the odds of it even being read...

BTW, before I saw her text, I went and took a nap, I was exhausted... I had an amazing dream...

I dreamt I was at a mechanic, who was putting the finishing touches on a car I had bought her, but hadn't told her about. It was a bright beautiful yellow, customized, with a wonderful boom-boom-boom stereo, his guys had worked hard to make every part of it perfect, I knew she was going to love it. I included about this in the message to her, saying "I was telling the mechanic in the dream about the conversation you just had with me, he was shaking his head, he was speechless comparing what he could see was in my heart for you. He could see in front of him how I had poured my heart into your surprise, and demanded he make sure everything was perfect for you, and compared that to what I told him you were saying to me.... Before I woke up, at the last moment you did something small but nice to confirm my faith in you, I was happy....." I didn't tell her what it was she had done, but in the dream, she had started texting me that she was very sorry, please forgive, etc...

I continued some other mush, and "then I woke up.. I still wasn't sure maybe your noon call was just part of the bad part of the dream, thinking I would look at my phone andsee a happier end to what is driving you today, instead I saw your text about our account.... I guess reality is a little different than I keep hoping for..."

Anyhow, a few days later, Monday of next week I think, I haven't heard much of anything from her, but thinking maybe this is something that will blow over, I am thinking about taking care of her, and I am also curious to find out if the account is empty.

So I go to the bank, and they tell me it still has the full balance in it. Hmmm.. I'm feeling pretty good.

So I try to put in an extra $100, and the bank won't let me make the deposit... What? They then tell me the account is frozen. I can't make a deposit into her old account I used to keep rescuing either, it has been changed too, but they can't give me any details.

As for the joint account, they tell me she had some other chargeoffs earlier in the year, and the loss prevention saw the new account, and froze it to put it towards the chargeoff. The day she texted she "was leaving the bank" with the money, is the day they actually froze the account, she didn't get to make a withdrawl. It would be closed in a just a few days with the bank taking the money if the other money wasn't paid. The other money is more than what I put in to start the new account... I ask the bank, I want to make sure that this is done, over with, and that because of my joint name on this account with her, they can't take money from any of my other accounts towards this, right? They assured me they could not affect any of my other accounts, and they really couldn't give me any more info about her situation on her other accounts. That's fine...

So darn it... Did she grab the money like she said, did she know it was froze, what's going on? Is there a lie in all this? Did she or did she not empty the account? If not, why did she claim she did...

I saw her the next day, or talked with her on the phone, I forget which. I told her I tried to put money in the account. She said "Why would you do that, I told you I closed it!" I said, um, a) trying to do something to take care of you in spite of any short term craziness, but also b) you didn't close it, the bank froze it because of what you owed them on some other charged off account! She starts arguing with me how the bank can't do that, they promised her they would send her a check in 20 days, they actually closed it, etc.


I try to explain to her I've seen in bank acccount agreements for years language that says "If you owe us money in any other account in your name, we reserve the right to reach into this account if we need to in order to offset any money owed in another account." At least I believe I saw that...

Anyhow, she tells me I don't know what I am talking about...

She claims she closed all her accounts at that bank. And that her boyfriend had just had some amazing problem at that bank, something about having his account frozen because some teller double deposited at $60 check, and they froze his account because it looked like fraud, and were making him wait 20 days to receive his money... (Is it common for liars to add lots of extra details, as a smoke screen? Just wondering... )

Whew... OK.. Now you know how I got to today on this. Now for the good part...

Today I find out one of my accounts at that bank is bouncing. It has had two ATM withdrawals against it at places I was not at on the 15th and 16th, but that are near her work, and her home. And a purchase at a grocery store near her house yesterday the 26th. On an ATM card with my name on it. I assured the bank I wasn't in those places on those dates, I never use my ATM card with that account. I save that account mainly for when I am out of the country, to have an extra bank account at a different bank than my main bank, in case of problems with my main bank.

I am looking frantically in my wallet for my ATM card with that bank, at first I can't find it, but then I find it, I hadn't even activated it. But the card they say was used was a different number than mine, but yes, with my name on it.

Yes, you guessed it...

It's the one that was mailed to her address... The one I was never given, that I thought was only hooked to an account that I was assured had been frozen...

The bank assures me she was also going to have a card to that account with her name on it.

Apparently when the bank froze the joint account, which was supposed to be primary on that card, they then linked my card to one of my other accounts.

I assure the bank I never received the card mailed to her address. I explain to them about the former joint account that had been frozen. I ask them to immediately shut off this ATM card I had never seen.

Note that the pin code is usually sent in a separate envelope. So that is two pieces of mail to her grandpas address that weren't given to me.

The bank demands I call the fraud department.

Of course the first thing any sane person would assume is that she is the one using the card. But we can't be sure. Was it an accident?

If you loan your car to someone, the California Highway Patrol will not allow you to then claim it is stolen, because you voluntarily gave your keys to the person (or so I was told a long time ago.) I ask the bank if there could be any kind of out like this for the other person to be using my card, where it isn't really an issue.

The bottom line is this:
* she already knew the account for whatever new atm cards we received was frozen.
* she claims to have closed her accounts at that bank
* so for a withdrawal against the card to work, where did she think the money was coming from?
* the card had my name on it, and came in a piece of mail with my name on it (even if it was sent to her grandpa address)
* there was probably a separate pin envelope alos with my name on it (also opened by someone other than me)

Several conscious decisions had to be made before even getting in the position to misuse the card. Seems really nearly impossible for it to be a "whoops"

Now we don't absolutely know it was her. Very coincidental someone else would steal it and only use it at her work and real home cities...

Of course the bank really wants to investigate this. I've already covered the overdraft, the bank is not out any money. But the branch officer insists they are, and says because I assert I didn't make the withdrawals, its already in the banks hands to deal with. If I don't call the 800 number of the fraud department, she or her manager still have a duty to report the misuse. Of course the bank won't tell me the results of the investigation or what they do.

I was tempted to confront my girlfriend with my statement, and I asked the bank officer about that, but she was kind of insistent that I don't confront anyone on it, and just let the bank deal with it.

Later I received some texts from the girl, with this signature at the end of them: "-Sharper than u think"

Anyone agree?

In codependent fashion, I'd rather confront the girl, listen directly to whatever she makes up, then cut her off myself, and not bother the bank with investigating a situation my stupidity lead to, and just leave. (She's had a lot of other opportunities to steal from me over the last year, and as far I now never had. I lost some stuff at one point, really thought it was her, and then later found those items. I felt bad.)

I've decided that based on I can't know for sure it was her, confronting her achieves nothing, especially if it wasn't her. Imagine if it was the boyfriend. The point of sale purchase might be too late, although it was yesterday, but the ATM machines are supposed to keep video of who walks up to them.

It sucks the bank won't tell me, the account owner, the results of the investigation of misuse of my account. I'd really like to know.

I think I do need to call the bank and let them deal with it. Be too bad if she ends up in jail over just under $500, I'd hope someone else gets caught, but no chance of any justice on anyone if I don't call the bank...

I know some of you are rolling your eyes at my defense attorney like "Reasonable doubt" about her being the one to be going out and withdrawing $300, then $100, emptying the account, then bouncing $80 in groceries against it.

Does anyone think it is any chance it wasn't her?

[positiveparent]

Something here is not right.

OP your first post or the title of same says should I buy my girlfriend a car or risk things being over.

Well from what you've told us, her b/days been and gone you didn't buy the car,you're still seeing her.

Wondergirl remarked on how good a writer you are. Strange...

[SamBuzz]

Have you ever seen the despair inc. posters? The spoofs of the motivational posters. I saw one once that said something like:

"Maybe your life exists only to serve as a cautionary tale to others..."

Ok, just found it:
MISTAKES - It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.


Just saw an even better one, under a picture of easter island, seems to be very applicable at the moment:

PRIORITIES - Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.

The skier falling down the slope has always been a favorite of mine:

INEPTITUDE - If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

-----

I don't have ATM written on my head, the letters for SAP are too large, not enough room for anything else. Could even be just a big giant scarlet S... I haven't lost myself esteem, today is just one of those "Oh my stars! Just when I thought this couldn't get any nuttier!" days...

I learned long ago, if you're going to complain about a bad situation, at least try somehow to make it funny, entertaining, or engaging... Yeah, I do like to write, words are my legos... And maybe, hopefully, my catharsis in all this... At least at this point I'm not broken up about the idea of leaving her behind like I might have been the other day... A good dose of "wow, I'm dodging a bullet getting out of this" is very useful... Maybe I should have saved all this for the book I will probably never get around to writing...

[positiveparent]

In what you've written here it would not be possible, why would a separate account one you used for when you work away send an ATM card to her address, that could conveniently be used without the pin or account numbers tallying up, why would another card from a different account go to her place. Sorry its not adding up, neither is your so say love for this woman you're not coming over as some heartbroken guy who drops to his knees at his controlling g/f whim.

You do write a good tale.

As you just said maybe the book will be better. Good Luck OP.

[SamBuzz]

Oh, by the way, I feel very good at calling her bluff and getting through to today without caving in to buy the car. It was difficult, but I made it...

And I don't feel guilty about still offering the car idea, and making it clear it could happen if she could get her act together...

But the bank account thing, the broom just can't get that smoking gun of an elephant under the rug.

[SamBuzz]

Re: bank accounts...

I have had bank accounts at this bank for over 10 years... when I met her, when we were just friends, she once called me and asked me to put some money in her account at this bank, and gave me the number, she needed some help when she was out of town. I did it, and she later returned the money... putting money in it from time to time has continued over the last year, except the returns have slipped...

I don't use the accounts I have at that bank very much, I do most of my banking with another bank. I keep the bank account open with her bank because when I travel, I would put money in it, so I have backup bank, and multiple banks with a combined daily access limit on cash while I am away...

When we opened a new account together, it was my intention to use this account for any times she needed money, and try to use it to see if we could build something together. I was fine for the address to be her address, all the cards etc. to go to her address, other than her flakiness, I have never had any inkling of her stealing from me. Taking and not returning yes, breaking promises yes, but not actual theft... It was fine to me, I fully expected to receive my atm card for the account, that I could use for deposits, and to check up on the account. I didn't see any danger to my existing accounts, I asked if the new card would be just for the new account, and they said it would be.

When a new card is sent, in a separate envelope they sent the pin.

I never received them, but the account got frozen so soon after it was opened (about a week later), when I found that out, I am not sure if I asked about the new card, maybe I just assumed it would not work anymore.

I do not know why the bank then hooked that card to one of my other accounts. Perhaps they goofed up, and made my other account (not the joint account) the primary to begin with on the card they sent her, I don't know.

It's just something extra to think about for anyone thinking of opening a joint account with someone at the same bank where they have other personal accounts. There are other threads here about people wondering about joint accounts. Here is another data point to think about.

BTW, the bank is Wells Fargo...

The key points are, someone used that card after both she and I knew the joint account we opened was closed. And the card had my name on it.

I never had any intention for a card to my personal accounts to go to her address. I assumed this card for our joint account would work separately from the card I already had for my personal accounts.

[positiveparent]

Yes I know about motivators Ive attached 2 to this post that My partner created, there's another one
"Destiny" you were meant for me as punishment perhaps"

Maybe you are trying to make the most of a bad situation however your posts aren't making sense, especially the bank account, you mention in an earlier post that at no time did she have access to your credit cards, or words to this effect.

Any discrepancy at the bank they would automatically instigate a fraud check.