Check out some similar questions!

Homegirl 50 · Jun 13, 2010, 07:00 PM

Based on what you were able to say to her, how you handled this, I'd say you are doing well.
Go NC again, it won't be so hard this time.

musicman84 · Jun 15, 2010, 05:27 AM

Part of my progress was also based on believing that she had fallen out of love with me and no longer wanted to be with me. However, when she returned, we met up and spent time together which was amazing for both of us, resulted in a romantic evening, great conversation, loving interaction and confirmation of these clear feelings. The other time, she invited me to stay the night at her family's house, again feelings of love, couply interaction etc.

Therefore, it's rocked me a little from what I used to help me progress during the first NC period. I'm curious as to what could happen if she were to just figure out that which is just holding her back. She has clearly made progress from her darker period back when we broke up.

I just don't want to turn my back on something that could be revived and salvaged, yet at the same time, despite the love, I still hear the uncertainty and it leaves me uneasy.

talaniman · Jun 15, 2010, 05:48 AM

This is not about her and her feelings, it never was. Its more about how you are dealing with what's in front of you,

There is a very big difference between being led through confusion, and a journey down a path that enlightens you. That difference is like swimming to the other side of a fast moving river, with a clear goal in mind, or letting the currents take you into the unknown.

You are clearly being led, by her currents, and don't know where you will end up. Your are guided by fear, and inaction. Glad you had a taste of romance, her way, but sooner or later, you stop letting her lead and tell her where your going. Just because your tired of this big circle that gets you no where.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 15, 2010, 10:01 AM

Good advice tal. Have to spread some rep.

musicman84 · Jun 15, 2010, 10:42 AM

You're right and that is so eloquently put. Whilst I have definitely found strength to take certain active steps, I think I am still partially led by fear and confusion but also my natural insticts of deep concern for her. I can see how difficult she is finding this and I see how it tears her up inside to be putting me through this so I find it very hard to be so firm and take stronger action.

I essentially told her that I couldn't cope with the current situation (lovey happiness yet still with her indecision) and that she needed time to figure things out properly whilst I find a path that I am most comfortable with.

Part of me wonders if I should make it a lot simpler and say Are you in or are you out? Because I worry that I'm too nice and understanding, when the fact is, I know that this simply won't do for my well being.

On the other hand, we have a month of true separation in different countries for the summer so do I simply leave it, believe it to be completely over and move on accordingly regardless?

talaniman · Jun 15, 2010, 12:03 PM

There is no other hand, as you acknowledge the present situation won't do for you. So remove yourself, and maybe you both will face reality, without the emotions in the way, and do some proper healing.

Later down the road, you will at least gain clarity to make better decisions about, how to best proceed.

Or, let the fear, and confusion, keep you stuck in limbo, without a clue, of what to do!

musicman84 · Jun 15, 2010, 12:58 PM

I do tend to agree. I suppose I am just looking for the reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. It's hard to fight that natural urge of wanting to do more or worrying that what I'm doing is detrimental to the situation.

Thank you for your input :)

musicman84 · Jul 17, 2010, 09:16 AM

Recently, the girl that I have been giving space and time has finally told me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Considering it has been five months since the start of all our troubles, I thought I would be better equipped to deal with an outcome that I was pretty sure of already. However, it completely knocked me into a spin and has left me feeling so sad.

I think that because she was never definite about our future and her feelings, I couldn't help but maintain the smallest glimmer of hope, despite the negative aspects that were put in front of me. And so all of the sadness and devastation of a final break up was being built up over this 'limbo' period and I don't think I ever truly dealt with it up until now.

She said things that really hurt my feelings. Apparently, she had been feeling unfulfilled because I wasn't treating her, spoiling her and making her feel special. I agree to a certain degree, the long lasting distance playing a big role in that with the hectic schedule of a masters degree, but she never came out and told me that I wasn't doing enough. I have always had money problems what with the sheer financial task of leaving the UK and moving to the US to study and then trying to get by on minimal part time work hours. It was very difficult for me to provide for her and treat her like a princess; it made me feel inadequate but she seemed to understand and didn't mind. I think she may have mentioned it once as a problem but aside from that, she simply never told me that it was such a big deal.

She also talked about the difference in age (I'm four years younger) and that we were now at different points in our lives. I've just graduated and she thinks that the focus and time that I need to devote to this point in my life will get in the way and I won't be able to give her what she needs. This is the first time that our age has ever been a problem in four years.

I feel a little let down and disappointed with some of her reasons. I feel like there were all these problems that she just hid from me until the point when they apparently had become too much. Is that really possible? If that is the case, it seems so unfair to me that I simply didn't get the opportunity to change or fix things.

Could these all be reasons that she is using to make herself feel right in her decision to end things? Am I right to feel aggrieved and disappointed about the way she has brought this all to the table at such a late stage in the relationship?

Aside from all of this stuff, I know there is no solution to what I am about to say, but I can't help but feel inadequate and disappointed in myself for not treating her the way a man should. I feel ashamed that I couldn't figure it out sooner and I blame myself.

Lastly, I just feel so sad that I can love her so much, as I always have done, and now she feels so differently about me. I know there are no real answers to this, but I wish I knew how this could happen. I thought after four years of working so hard for a future I thought we both wanted, we could make it.

My parents think that her change in feelings and some of the reasons she is bringing out sound very much like she has met someone else. Initially, she told me that she did have feelings for someone else when working out of town in another city, but said that it wasn't about this guy. I agree with her to a point, but it make more sense for it to be about another guy. I don't see how else she wouldn't want to give us another try and work at things unless she knew that she could be happier elsewhere. If this something I should push her for? I fear she would hide it from me to keep from hurting me...

I hope this is coherent. I only slept forty minutes last night and it is all just pouring out. I had no idea I would feel this way. I feel like I have slipped so far back down the path I had initially worked to get out of.

talaniman · Jul 17, 2010, 09:29 AM

When things are final, and they have been for a long time, then you accept it and leave her alone. As you cope with your feelings you will get a better clarity.

Doesn't matter what or why her feelings have changed about you the results are the same. What matters now is how you deal with it.

Bowing out of her life gracefully without drama, and confusion will let you keep your dignity, and self respect.

I won't lie, I would have disappeared months ago. I just don't believe in holding on to glimmers of hope after being dumped, nor waiting for some one to make decisions about MY future with them. Just me though.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 17, 2010, 10:01 AM

Perhaps it is the finality of it all. Surly after 5 months you had to know deep down that it was over. It's been over. Now that it has been stamped "over" it's the real deal.
You will get through this too.

musicman84 · Jul 17, 2010, 06:06 PM

Thank you for your replies. I've never dealt with something like this before. My only other serious relationship, I had the luxury of realizing that she actually wasn't a very nice person and we actually had very little in common. However, this one feels so much harder because she is a nice girl that has simply fallen out of love with me. This is something I've never experienced before and I think I tried so hard to keep hold of the old person she was before all of this, hoping she would come back to me.

I know this was essentially false hope but I'm just trying to explain why I wasn't able to let go. It was like my mind and heart refused to, especially as I believed so adamantly after absolutely everything we had worked through to be together, that nothing would ever break us up.

I know now that I absolutely no choice but to let go and move forward without her. It's a strange feeling because I know that in my head to be true, yet my heart can't quite understand that she is no longer a part of my life.

I feel so strongly about this girl and it worries me that I won't be able to let go. Of course, I want to and will try everything in my power to do all of the right things. I guess I'm just fearful of my heart and I'm scared that it won't happen. Is this natural to feel?

Homegirl 50 · Jul 17, 2010, 10:16 PM

Yes it is normal to feel that way. Once you have healed, you'll get back out there again.
This was a long distance relationship and those are very hard to keep going.
Next time date some one closer to home, so that you can have regular contact with each other.
Communicate your feelings and listen to hers. There were signs there, you just chose to ignore them.
It will get better.
I wish you well

talaniman · Jul 18, 2010, 04:52 AM

Is it normal to feel as you do? Its so normal that we all feel that way after a break up.

musicman84 · Jul 18, 2010, 03:25 PM

Thank you, it is a comfort to hear these words.

I'm wondering what thoughts you may have on the following...

How do I deal with feelings of inadequacy? By the sheer nature of being broken up with, I feel like I was not good enough for her. In my head that is silly because I know that I'm a good person and our break up was more circumstantial rather than anybodies direct fault. But she doesn't want me now and that makes me feel like I don't have what it takes to make her happy. It just leaves me feeling very insecure about myself.

talaniman · Jul 19, 2010, 05:21 AM

The feelings of being inadequate, like the feelings of being rejected are best coped with by looking at the facts. One female might not like you, but you still have a billion others to try.

You never make someone else's opinions, or feelings your own. If you let them, and enjoy a life that makes you happy, those feelings will pass.

musicman84 · Jul 30, 2010, 06:13 PM

It has now been two weeks and I can honestly say that I'm OK. I have to admit that I'm really missing her a lot, but I miss the girl that I used to love, not the current one that she became (or the side she finally showed). I have found that things keep replaying in my head because elements of the break up create conflicting feelings inside of me; anger at her, then guilt and regret at myself. I think I've been trying to resolve them internally, but it doesn't seem to settle on one emotion and I'm not sure it ever will?

I've been wondering how to deal with persistent thoughts. I am getting on with my daily life, enjoying the moments where I can (usually when occupied or not alone), working at my career and so forth. However, when the music stops and I am alone in my bed, the thoughts start to creep in. I figure this is normal. But, I do find that I have the ability to think about other things. Is this natural? I don't want to bottle things up and I'm not really sure of the balance.

People say that you must let go and I'm wondering how you determine what is 'letting go' and what is 'bottling things up'.

(I hope this makes sense!)

talaniman · Jul 30, 2010, 06:48 PM

Believe it or not, you are already developing the skills that you need to deal with your feelings, and learning to focus. Its boring now because you have to just keep doing what your doing, until its second nature, and you do it without thinking, or effort.

People say that you must let go and I'm wondering how you determine what is 'letting go'

When you no longer care or spend time worrying about it.

and what is 'bottling things up'.

When you are not honest with yourself about what you feel, and it takes all your time, and energy to convince yourself you don't care. This usually involves lying to others and a lot of guilt, and can show itself in a lot of ways like insecurity, and low self esteem, and makes you restless, irritable, and generally unhappy.

musicman84 · Aug 10, 2010, 01:56 PM

True to my Dad's word, just when I feel like things are going as well as can be expected, something rocks the boat. I was wondering if I could get some advice on the following:

During my summer vacation back in England, I was still suffering from letting go of my indecisive ex. My closest friend back in America was getting tired of the way she was acting so, after asking me, he offered to reach out to her and see if he might be able to provide some help to the situation. He is a firm character, somebody that I know she doesn't have in her life as a friend. I knew it would help and after they met, she finally plucked up the courage and resolve to make a solid decision which was finishing it completely.

Anyway, after this meeting she contacted him by email again to ask some advice on family issues which he also helped her with. Then he didn't hear from her again until a recent email, asking if they could meet up and get some advice on a few things seeing as he helped her in the past. He told me this yesterday.

I feel very angry for a few reasons. I have been working really hard to build a life without her, doing my best to avoid all contact and basically finding it easier not knowing anything about her. It angers me that she seems to think that is OK to come to one of MY closest friends for advice on life (they had only met once or twice very briefly and he is not considered a mutual friend).

He is actually one of the rays of light that came out of the darkness, making a wonderful friendship at a time when I was suffering. And so, it really hurts me that she comes into my new life, picking at the parts that I hold dear and close to me.

Is this fair for me to be feeling this way?

I'm sorry for her that she doesn't have someone else that she can go to with these issues, but she made it very clear that she doesn't want me to be a part of her life and wants to find happiness without me. Therefore, it doesn't seem fair that she can pick which parts of MY life she wants.

My friend is a people-pleaser and very caring in general. When someone comes for help, he helps. I think it's going to be easier for him to simply tell her that he is too busy and just avoid her. But part of me believes that he should tell her something like "I know I've helped you in the past, and I'm sorry that you have some issues, but I am too close to Brenden and I don't think it's fair on him." But I can't get into the business of telling someone what they should and shouldn't do, just because that's what I want..

Lastly, I think that it is very selfish and thoughtless to come to him, without considering what it might do to me. I wouldn't dream of going to any of her friends or family for advice, can't she see what it might do? I feel like she should know that it isn't OK, but I'm not sure I should get in contact with her.

What do you think about this situation?

(For the record, this isn't the guy she admitted feelings for. Plus, he has absolutely no interest in her and I'm assuming that her advice-seeking is genuine and nothing more)

Homegirl 50 · Aug 10, 2010, 02:35 PM

He came to her, she didn't go to him. I think you are being silly.
You don't have to know how often he talks to her or anything, so what's the problem?
I think you need to keep your nose out of this.
You still have feelings for her, if you didn't this would not even be an issue.

musicman84 · Aug 10, 2010, 03:15 PM

He came to her once with the purpose of helping her make her mind up and to stop leading me on. This was more for my benefit than hers. He wasn't opening up the opportunity of friendship and support for her. How could he? He is my closest friend and that, to me, is a conflict of interests.

Of course I still have feelings for her, it's only been three weeks since she finally decided that everything was over so it's still fresh. I'm trying really hard to put her out of my life and move on, but it doesn't help when I know that she is trying to create a friendship/source of support with someone that is a part of my life, not hers.

And that is sort of the problem I have. Now that she has finally broken up with me for good, of all the people she chooses to help her move on with her new life, she is choosing one of my closest friends that she doesn't actually know that well. Yes, he may give honest, helpful advice but it just seems a little selfish to be looking for this so close to me.