[lifeistough75]

Threads merged

My girlfriend just asked me for "break" as well. She is a very dreamy person to begin with, she always talked about how our relationship puts in in the "dreamland". The relationship is very long distance (11000 miles). She is 29, she is been talking about marriage, and her own family, in addition, she is unhappy with her job. She also has bunch of traveling to do for her work, so she is been stressed. Couple of weeks ago, we had a huge fight, and I really got angry, because she is the one who had been expressing how much she loved me, and I was the guy for her, yet I found her having an active profile on a dating site. I knew she used to do that, but I had asked her if she continues to do that, and she had assured me that she had stopped. I found out she was active right after I had come back from visiting her, and it really pissed me off that I put all the effort, and she is still doing this.
Anyway, to cut the story short, I started telling her that if she does this kind of thing, it will not work, than she lied to me saying she went there to close the account, and I know she was lying, so that is when I got angry, and the argument got heated. For sure,that was not my best moment, and lacked proper communication, I take blame for that. We tried to put the relationship back together, and but it had not been the same. I began to feel her distancing from me, and finally I found out that she was trying to date another guy. We went back and forth, and she said she had been unhappy ever since that argument because she went from "dreamland" to "wonderland(confusion). She said, I am too unstable with my mood which at times I have questioned the relationship because of the long distance, and because our relationship began very intense(on her part), she said she loved me without ever seeing me, and in a short time(we were introduced by our parents). So I was always unsettled about the "love" issue, because how can someone love anybody in a short time, just by phone calls, emails, and few exchanges of pictures?
So, I have not been the best boyfriend either, I am very busy with work, and she says that she always has to put energy to bring me back into this relationship, that I neglect her, and have not "secured" this relationship. I love her, and want to make this work, but now she is asking for a 1.5 month break until she comes back from her trips, and decide whether she wants to resume this relationship. By the way, to make matters more complicated, the way I found out she was beginning to date another guy was that one of my best friends got involved to help me, because already the trust issue had been eroded somewhat. She was pissed even more that a third person was involved in the relationship. I know this relationship has had huge strains, and problems, and getting back together is probably unlikely, but what would be your advice for me to enhance my chances of restoring this relationship? Of course I will do my part, but she will also have to do her part. Thank you all.

[kutocer]

Life you will be told by admin to make you own post and not hijack someone else's. Not trying to sound horrible but no point in replying to someone's post with you own problem.

[lifeistough75]

Sorry about that Kutocer. Did not mean to hijack, I apologize to the admin as well. Thanks for having this forum, and letting me know of the rules.

[lifeistough75]

Oh, just one more question, How can I access the sticky posts about relationship, etc?
I can't seem to find them.Thanks!

[J_9]

You can find them here.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/

[talaniman]

I think you have answered your own question. You cannot have a committed long distance or otherwise, relationship with a partner who is not as committed as you are to making it work.

You have already gathered enough facts from the red flags waving everywhere, to see she is just in it to have something to do until she finds something better. So stress or not, she knows what she is doing and why and deflects your talking her on these issues with out and out lies, and excuses that blames YOU!!

In addition, the idea of wanting you to wait through having this month and a half break, is but a means to put you off until later, instead of dealing with the issues in an honest way. This is why my advice is not to wait for her to change, see the error of her ways, or even be willing to talk, or commit any more than she has, which is NOTHING!! I think you disappear from her life and seek better options and opportunities that you may find once you stop depending on this unwilling, deceitful female for love , romance, and happiness.

I mean, how many more facts do you need guy? Or how much longer do you ignore all the red flags before you make a decision for YOURSELF, that doesn't depend on her??

she said she loved me without ever seeing me, and in a short time(we were introduced by our parents). So I was always unsettled about the "love" issue, because how can someone love anybody in a short time, just by phone calls, emails, and few exchanges of pictures?

A very valid question as it seems you give her cover with her parents while she seeks to do her own thing, and make YOU the fall guy for a failed relationship, and justifies her search for greener grass.

but what would be your advice for me to enhance my chances of restoring this relationship? Of course I will do my part, but she will also have to do her part.

She has her own agenda, and is not committed to this relationship working, so you are wasting your time. Don't go along with her program, and reject her actions as selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful.

Sorry guy, at this time in reality, for whatever reason, she is definitely not the one. No way do you accept this behavior from her, it will only lead to more of it.

[lifeistough75]

Thanks Talaniman, I have been reading many of your advice on various related topics. I appreciate your straight forwardness, and help. I have been thinking about the same issues you have mentioned, the red flags, the dishonesty, trying to blame me. The problem is that, I have a lot of feeling for this girl, and I really do think she was somewhat depressed after I visited her and left, she was very lonely(I know that is not good enough justification), that is why on the one hand, rationally I know I have to end it, on the other hand, I want to give her another chance. I definitely agree with all your points though.


By the way, after couple of weeks of back and forth, I went NC for about 10 days, I just took your advice after reading your post couple of times Tala, and decided to end it. I can't live a life without integrity, while I had my share of the problems in this relationship, sometimes not communicating as well as I should, and sometimes not paying enough attention to her (because I was working long hours to transition, and relocate to be closer to her), her actions are not justifiable, especially when she never clearly communicated her frustrations to me so I could fix the situation. The "dreamland" thing is also bothersome, it seems she is living in la la land rather than reality. She wants a relationship that has no problems, do those really exist, especially when one is 11000 miles away, when the only mode of communication is email and phone, and the body language is completely missing? Anyway, thanks for your advice, I had to cut the cord, and did. The break in a serious relationship is absolutely silly, and meaningless, it just proves the two partners involved can't solve their problems, a bad sign for long term.

[ISneezeFunny]

Sorry life, but I agree with tal... I think this relationship is done. What you want in this relationship and what she wants are two completely different things, sadly.

The best thing to do now is define the relationship for what it is, over. The 1.5 month thing... you and I both know that the time frame she gave you will not work in your favor, so gather yourself, define the relationship, and move on.

Keep your head up, buddy. Better days will come.

[kutocer]

All advice given is spot on, I wish I had listened more to this site but I'm through the bad parts now and have come out on the other side feeling better then I have done for a very long time.

Its hard really had I'm not going to lie to you but if I can do it you can do to.

Find something to fill your time, see friends go out socialize and meet new people.

Listen to music, that's helped me out lot over the past week and when I have a bad part in the day I listen to one song that really helps with what I'm doing with my life right now. Look at my sig it's a part of the song and I just keep telling that to myself and I feel better in no time at all.

Excerise that will help deal with the emotions you will feel, if you start to feel down have a workout.

This is taken from another website...

"Exercise can be a great way to lift your mood and improve your emotions.

When you exercise, your body feels more relaxed and calm.

Find out some of the reasons and the best exercises to lift your mood and balance your emotions."

Stick to what your doing and you will be fine.

[lifeistough75]

In my previous question, I had talked about my girlfriend(now ex) and how she wanted to take a break for 1.5 months to figure out if she was exhausted from our relationship, or it was other things in her life(job, travel) that was making her exhausted. I did not want to accept the long break for several reasons: We had a huge fight that lead to the "break" decision, because she was trying to date/establish relationship with another guy(her excuse, she was exhausted by our relationship), I found that out, and accused her of dishonesty and betrayal. This further depressed her, and she said that at the point she was feeling totally indifferent about her life, herself, and me. Second reason was that I believe in a truly loving relationship, a break of few days may be OK to let the dust settle, but 1.5 months means total cease of communication, and if you truly love somebody, you would want to work things out. Because of those reasons, I did not accept the break, and just ended the relationship. I also wanted a clear break(not this limbo) in order for both of us to assess the situation. Now, let me get back to the original question:
This is the same girl that told me she "loved" me without ever physically seeing me. After two weeks of email exchanges, two to three phone calls, and couple of picture exchanges, she was extremely intense, and said she loved me. The relationship was always long distance. When I would ask her what she loved about me, she could not be specific. I gave her the benefit of doubt, normally I don't in such cases. Then after 5 months, and couple of arguments (she also says she invested a lot more energy in this relationship than I did, in reality however that is really not the case)she suddenly says she feels indifferent.
Do you think love can happen in such short time and under such circumstance? What do you think about the extreme emotional up and down? By the fifth month, I was beginning to have a lot of feeling for her, do you think I should write her in about two months when she will be done with most of her travel, and see what she feels like, or do you think the whole thing was messed up to begin with?
By the way, we did finally meet when I traveled to see her, my instinct told me that she did not find me as attractive as my pictures (she kept saying you don't look like your picture), and the intensity we felt online/telephone was also not there when we met, but it was not bad either.

[Homegirl 50]

What's up with you and long distant relationships?
I don't think this is going to work. Walk away.

[lifeistough75]

I don't know why my post got deleted, or never posted, so I am reposting:

[positiveparent]

With all relationships that begin online the persons in them even if they see your photo you chat on the phone you text blah blah, in your minds you've conjoured up this image of the person, yes their photos are real as are they in most cases.

But a photo connot project the attraction factor its inanimate, and emotionless.

So when you meet the person in the flesh the image you've got of this person, suddenly goes flat, because the real person is in front of you, and he/she looks hardly anything like their photos.

Whereas had you met in a more traditional way like at a club or bar or some other social event you meet the person not the photo. So as time goes on you get to know that person, not the photo. So The relationship starts and progresses in the way relationships are meant to progress.

In reply to your original question, yes people have been known to say they love another person they met online after 2 weeks, but what that means in real terms is they've fallen for the image they've created from the photo of the person that's all basically been conjoured up in their minds and it isn't the person on the other end of the phone chats or texts.

With offline real time meeting of m/f there's a spark that attracts them to each other, that spark is not there with relationships that begin online, because you don't meet in person, you meet in virtual reality.

Hope this answers your question enough.. .

They say the camera never lies it does in as much as it doesn't capture the persons character or personality...

I think you should move on and forget about her, obviously she was expecting something that she had created in her mind, and you weren't it. Sorry but that's about the strength of it...

Try meeting your next g/f offline, you'll notice a huge difference, the p.c is killing the art of romance...

[lifeistough75]

Positive, thank you for your answer. Do you think I should write her in couple of months to see how she really feels, or do you think I should just let it go?

[positiveparent]

Positive, thank you for your answer. Do you think I should write her in couple of months to see how she really feels, or do you think I should just let it go?

You can if you want to however I don't think there will be much by way of change in her opinion of the relationship you and she had, Move on seriously and look for love in the old fashioned way, Offline, and experience that spark its awesome.

[talaniman]

I don't know why my post got deleted, or never posted, so I am reposting:

Your second question, and the repost were merged to the first one. No need to start new posts about the same subject, just add the new question here. Now it may be different if you get a new girl.

Can someone fall in love within two weeks without physically meeting?

Sure they can. Not only online, but face to face in real life. This forum is full of those stories where strangers fall for each other fast, and fall out of love even faster.

It hurts whether you get dumped in a week. Or 40 years. The thing is what to do about it, and for that I think it best to leave her alone, heal and rebuild. Then you can realize your free to pursue better options.