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We will and you know we're here for you. Hugs... Kit |
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I have sent the file this extract is from to Katie, however I am also posting it here because it may help others who find themselves in a similar situation at some time.
Its from the file named "the loser" Ending the Relationship Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment. - Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster. - If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again. - Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you. - "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship. - Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you. - Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over. - Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort. - Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure. - Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another. Follow-up Protection "The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are: - Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship. - Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again. - Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy. - If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty. - In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it." - When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal! - Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal. Summary In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the victims of "The Loser", patterns of attitude and behavior emerge in "The Loser" that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of providing early identification and warning. When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation. Continuing a relationship with "The Loser" will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Loser", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Loser". Credit: This handout was written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., a Clinical Psychologist. It is provided as a public service and can be reproduced as needed. Dr. Carver is in private practice in Southern Ohio and is affiliated with three regional hospitals. Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist Website: Joseph M Carver, Ph.D. - Clinical Psychologist |
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That's exactly what I was going to say... :D:rolleyes::cool:
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What a brilliant article! This is very interesting. Thanks for sharing, I will read some more of the other ones you've sent me tomorrow! Off to bed now, have had some girly friends round for the eve and have really enjoyed myself. Still obviously worried about meeting him next week but am feeling stronger about my decision every day. Hope you're both well, Goodnight! |
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Katie you have the full article that my post is based on its called The Loser, or perhaps I didn't send that one to you, ill go check but I think I did, if I haven't Ill send it to you. Knowing you're intending to meet with him soon is why I sent those articles to you, in order to help you form a strategy to get out of being lulled into re-starting any relationship with him. The Loser and Control Freak articles give guidelines for how to end a relationship with someone who is trying to control you, another of the articles I sent you that is very helpful or could be is the one " how to end a violent relationship" Anyway pleased you're still feeling goood and positive about yourself... |
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 Originally Posted by positiveparent
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Thank you positiveparent, yes you have sent that one to me along with the others but due to my hectic revision schedule I have only read the one titled "The Control Freak" for now, and am planning to read the others over the weekend following on from my exam. I am sure they will help me deal with what's coming on Monday or Tuesday of next week. I hope both of you enjoy your day |
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Originally Posted by eveamee09
You can do it... Enjoy the articles and let us know if how it goes next week... Kit:) |
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Hi, hope you're both well and have had a good day. So today I had a bit of a shock, I went on his Facebook and saw that this girl who fancied him throughout our relationship had written a reply (to a message he'd obviously written her) on his wall. It was along the lines of "sorry it's taken so long to get back to you.. i've been doing this and that.. how are you.. what have you been doing.." dar de dar de dar... nothing flirtatious but he KNOWS I have never liked her (because of the crush she's always had on him and the way she has always tried to be close to him), and I'm pretty sure that he wrote to her knowing she'd reply, knowing that I'd see and knowing that it would get to me. My first reaction was to grab my phone and call him and ask him what the heck he was playing at. But don't worry, I didn't do that (luckily), I decided to leave it, because at the end of the day all he wants is to get a reaction from me. He did it to get my attention, make me feel jealous and then call him or whatever. So ignoring it is the right thing, yes? I suppose at the end of the day it's not really my business what he does.. I mean I am sort of in the process of "dumping" him after all so I have no right to get angry and tell him what to do.. it's rather annoying all the same. I'm just glad it wasn't one of the other girls who's had crushes on him and who have behaved far worse.. cor that's just another story but if it had been one of the others I would be going crazy right now! Grrr! Sorry I think I just needed a bit of a rant about it! But don't worry I'm keeping quiet and not going to do anything about it. My plan from now on by the way is to get my exam out the way on Friday, go out on Friday night for a fantastic evening with my friends (my first ever time clubbing!), and then text him on Saturday to arrange to meet on Monday or Tuesday of next week. To meet to explain to him that it's over, obviously. I am not planning on talking to him on the phone before then or having any sort of detailed conversation. It will just be a basic text to ask him if he wants to meet up. Also I'm planning to meet him somewhere mutual, like at a park or outside somewhere quiet, not at either of our houses (as too many memories of the past at his/my house... and I don't want to have the memory of breaking up with him in my home). So yes that is my plan. I'm considering taking someone with me, but am feeling quite strong in my decision and becoming more confident that I could deal with this myself. What do you think? Thank you x |
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I think you're getting it right on the nail, and do as you've stated above and you're home dry. Now then Katie LOL what's this about other girls, you know how to treat them walk pass them with your nose so far up in the air that you'll resemble concorde on a good hair day LOL Or just walk past them and turn your nose up as if you had just stepped in dogs pooh, ewwwe Muttering something like Oh my this towns full of second hand rose type these days its really such a sad sight to see. Hehehe. If you really want to be mean say oh Im so pleased I decided to remain unique, Im such a wonderful female after all. Or tell them hey Im giving a seminar in how to get them first next week shame you can't attend seeing as you're all lapping up my left overs , Oh Im bad... |
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Haha! Yes you certainly know how to deal with them lol! Thing is these girls are people at his University that I've never met and never will meet, and one of them's in Egypt (again I'll never meet her) so not much I can do about it! But as I said, really deep down I shouldn't care as it's not my business. I love him to death though and the thought of another girl getting his hands on him makes me so angry and upset! It's like, I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either lol! That is bad but it's how I feel. I have got to try to be mature about it and accept that one day that will happen, but right now it's a bit too painful to handle. To be honest I doubt he would go off with anyone anyway (unless it was to try and annoy me), but the worry is still there (especially as he's going to Egypt soon and there's a chance he could see that girl and she could offer to "comfort him" etc etc.) Gah! He's probably worry about the same thing with me though, and I know in myself I don't want anyone else anytime soon. How long was it for you between when you broke up with the man who hurt you and you meeting somebody new? |
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I did mention to you one time about when or if you should see him with someone else. I know how that feels its gut wrenching and you're not sure whether to laugh cry kill him, kill them both or kill yourself, but of course you aren't going to do any of the above because you're above and beyond that and besides he's not worth doing a life sentence for, strooth no way... he was good but not that good!! How long between the god and godzillo! A few years, but with the god it was love at first sight, we met, fell in love and 6 weeks later we were married, talk about a whirlwind, but we just knew, I think we spent the first year in bed literally, well its called getting to grips with life and sniffing out any hostile points, Pleased to report, all present and correct, and totally awesome top to toe, Im thorough like that hehe. Phwoarrrrrrrrrrrrrr Seriously it was about 6-8 years give or take a year either side, I had a few practice runs in between but nothing I wanted to keep for ever, couldn't go rusty though, no, sooooo... I will also say I never ever allowed that one bad relationship to have any input or bearing on those that came after, Ive always judged my relationships on there merits, I didn't allow that one unfortunate encounter to sour any others, I have also released all of that baggage, and as I did I looked for the good from that relationship, which was of course it led me to where I am today, and if I had not known godzillo, I wouldn't have found my god, so a positive can always be found in every life lesson. If you get one positive from any relationship to take into the future with you, then it hasn't been a waste, there's always good in there somewhere, and you'll find it will take you to a new reality a better brighter one... So... If you mean how long before I was back on the tour, well not all that long about 3-6 months, quite fickle really LOL. But when its done its done. So get over it and go have some fun, I did too... |
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A little affirmations poem for you Katie. Read it out loud when you feel you need a boost of positive energy. You are strong When you take your grief and teach it to smile. You are brave When you overcome your fear and help others to do the same. You are happy When you see a flower and give it your blessing. You are loving When your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others. You are wise When you know the limits of your wisdom. You are true When you admit there are times you fool yourself. You are alive When tomorrow's hope means more to you than yesterday's mistake. You are growing When you know what you are but not what you will become. You are free When you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others. You are honorable When you find your honor is to honor others. You are generous When you can take as sweetly as you can give. You are humble When you do not know how humble you are. You are thoughtful When you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are. You are merciful When you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself. You are beautiful When you don't need a mirror to tell you. You are rich When you never need more than what you have. You are you When you are at peace with who you are not Written by unknown |
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Originally Posted by positiveparent
Him, not only will you feel stronger, you'll be stronger. You're over the worst part. Read the list of things positive has given you and when you do see him it will help you. Hugs... Kit:) |
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Thanks so much to both of you, really strong and wise words, you're helping me so much. I am absolutely exhausted as it's 1am here but I will reply properly and in full tomorrow or the next day after my exam. I have been revising like crazy so unfortunately don't have enough time to do a proper reply right now! Just wanted to tell you I've read what you said and agree and have taken everything on board :) Thank you and good night xx |
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Originally Posted by eveamee09
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Hello, I have just read that poem again and it's wonderful. It would be amazing to eventually achieve all those things, and it's a very positive and inspiring poem. Thank you! Your relationship positiveparent sounds wonderful too.. it just shows that sometimes people have to go through a few bad times (or a few godzillas!) to find the one who is truly right for them. I am hoping very much that one day this will happen to me as it has happened to you. I am very pleased for you :) Well with regards to "going back on the tour"... I'm not quite sure how I feel about that idea yet.. after all I've only really ever had this one long-term thing so, like somebody said, I'll take some time out to be single and enjoy myself and get to know myself better first before I rush into anything else! But who knows, if a really nice guy comes along then I might not have much choice in the matter! At this moment in time though I don't particularly want the stress of another relationship. Need to focus on ending the current one first! I'm in the library at the moment but so bored... I should really be revising intensely but I can't stop thinking about tomorrow night and how much fun it's going to be to go out and party! I have my outfit all planned out, and my friends have persuaded me to go all out and not wear tights (I was worried I'd look tarty but they said who cares - it's all about having fun!) so I'm going to just dress up really well and try to enjoy myself with my friends. Can't wait! Looking forward to speaking later once this blasted exam is out of the way. I wish I was young again and didn't have to worry about all these sorts of things lol! Have a good day xx |
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Originally Posted by eveamee09
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Hi Kat and Katie Pleased you liked the poem, I too read it often if I feel I need some re-affirming. Back on the tour meant I was again young free and single. Yes I too was in no hurry to get back into the dating scene and took most of the time between relationships working on myself, and of course living my life having a good time going out clubbing, dancing and just doing my own thing and I enjoyed every minute of it, actually for the longest time I was just not interested in relationships of the romantic type, far from it. I knew that if and when I did take that leap of faith again, I wanted to ensure I would be the best me I could be for myself and for any future love interest, so when I did get into the love and romance scene again I knew I was mature enough and sensible enough to ensure that the aspects of my personality that may have been partly involved in my approach in the past wouldn't be there in the future, I accepted whilst I may have been in an abusive relationship, that was no reason for me to not take responsibillty for the choices I made in that time frame that possibly led me to that place to begin with, I wasn't excusing the ex, I was though making sure, I wouldn't attract the self same type to myself ever again. I felt that this is often the case, and I was certain I wouldn't be making the same mistake twice and to ensure this I needed to work on myself. I accept that we can and often do get involved with the wrong type for us, if we work on ourselves then the chances of this happening a 2nd time are diminished or lessened at the least. I think that when we have ended any abusive relationship then we need time to heal, time to reflect and time to work on ourselves in order to ensure we don't go into a relationship blindly. So many women attract the same type of abusive partner again and again, if they had learned how to believe in themselves and whatever else they could have avoided making the same errors in judgement, although I can of course only speak from my own experience in this area, maybe its not always like this, but I felt and do feel that in order to improve ones chances of finding or attracting a partner who will have the same wants and needs and overall outlook that compliments our own then we would do well to do what we can to make this possible or more likely then. Lets face it no one wants to keep on attracting loser types. I am not going to tell you that the immediate future is going to be a walk in the park, its not some days you'll laugh, others you'll cry, you'll see reminders of what was all over the place, you'll hear a song on the radio and it'll take you back to a happy time you shared with the ex, Don't switch it off, listen to it go through the emotions it invokes in you, they may hurt,but if you can make yourself go through them at that time, guess what, next time you hear that song, you'll sing along with it. You may have days of deep despair and loneliness, at those times you will have to do all you can to make yourself smile, but do make yourself smile even through the tears and the sadness, because the mind can only hold one thought at a time, so do all you can to make that a happy thought and you'll find it lifts your mood almost instantly. There's much more I can hopefully tell you to help you get through this, for now though this is more than enough, don't want you having an info overload and blowing it do we. LOL Baby steps is needed, walk then you can run, it may seem like a month from now is an eternity away, but its not. You'll heal and recover one day at a time there's no rush, the more slowly you take it all in the more lasting the maturing, if you try to do it all too fast you could miss out on a vital part of the lessons you're learning, so always take your time we all recover at varying speeds. Anyway hope this helps. Yes yes do go naked legged, get some fake tan and put that on them, but do that say today for best results, put one coat on let it dry leave till tomorrow or day before, then have shower or bath a good 2-3 hours before going out, and apply a 2nd coat of fake tan, always put on a moisturiser then fake tan, about an hour before you go out get a clean dry soft cloth and gently go over your legs with it lightly all a over, not too hard though, you only want to remove the excess lotion, and that should have your legs looking great and streak free. Always wear latex or rubber gloves when putting it on you don't want orange palms LOL, rub it in thoroughly, and wipe of any excess with clean cloth. I almost always go bare legged, or Ill wear hold ups. I like the look of Christina in the video Dirrty, washed up of course but those micro mini skirts look great, wear a short skirt with a loose fitting top, have tissue or a hanky to wipe your face with when it gets all hot and sweaty. Wear minimum amount of clothing but enough to be decent, or just then. Take few accessories, clutch bag is good lippy, and eyeliner. If you're wearing stilettos make sure you can walk in them they can get harder as the hours go by. LOL Remember its hot in those clubs. Make sure you've got ID because many now ask for it. Never ever let your drink out of your sight, EVER, you could end up with it spiked and you Don't want that, if you want to go loo, ask your friend to hold it don't ever leave it unnattended on the bar. Arrange your ride home in advance to ensure you have one. Don't wait until last minute to try booking a taxi they don't like picking up late at night unless booked in advance. OK go enjoy and be good if you can't be good be careful. Sock it to them big style WooHoo... Just thought of something else you might find useful for going out clubbing, Keys, If you're driving that's one thing, but if not to ensure you don't lose your house or flat key take it off make sure its got one of those ring things on it, then go find a safety pin, and when you're getting ready to go out, pin the key on the ring to the inside of your shorts, skirt, dress, or an under garment, this way chances of you losing it are diminished, plus if say you should lose it, all your other keys will be safely left at home, I would get a spare key cut just for these occasions. You want to be travelling light for going clubbing. |
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Originally Posted by positiveparent
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