Threads merged

I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years yesterday. He means the world to me, and I mean the world to him. He was just everything - we were so close, and are so in love with each other. He is the only person I have ever loved. But we have deep issues and problems that simply cannot be resolved, such as our personal beliefs, varying religions and constant arguments. Being in the relationship was so painful for me and I knew there was no future, so after months and months of deliberation and trying to ignore the problems, I have finally found the courage to leave.

But now I do not have a clue what to do. He is devastated. At first when I started talking about this a week ago he didn't believe me, then once it sunk in he became so emotional, saying I'd betrayed him.. what about our future.. we had planned marriage and children and everything - he was TRULY in bits - to him I am "The One".

I have broken his heart, mine is torn too, and I know he is hurting so much inside. So am I. Please help me.. I just don't know what to do. This is agony.

Well obviously you still love him and he still loves you. I'm not sure if you believe in second chances but it could be worth a try. If it works out the next time things'll be easier but if not you should at least try to move on

Thanks for your answer, yes I do still love him and he loves me too, but the problems we have are so serious that really it will never work. I have been trying to get it to work for 2 years, and there has been no luck. Sometimes I wonder if it's really him I love, or the idea of what I thought he was or what he could be.

I just feel so sad when I remember how we used to be.. the laughs, the cuddles, the connection there was between us... the nights we spent together and the times when he held me and I felt so safe and in love... I just know it will never come back and that is the hardest thing.

Sorry I just think I needed to rant a bit about it to get it all off my chest.

If your problems in the relationship were really that serious, then you have definitely done the right thing in breaking it off. Nothing good could come out of continuing a dead-end relationship.

Best thing you can do now is go complete NC so both of you can heal.

But how can I just not contact someone who I have spoken to every day for the last 2 years, spent so many days and nights with and who is such a huge part of my life? It seems impossible.

As silly as it sounds, part of me wants to be there with him and help him through the pain, and for him to help me. I just don't think I can cope.

Break ups suck, but besides the NC, vent and rant here all you want. That's why we are here. Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum for some insights into how to cope with the pain, and allow yourself to heal.

There is a link in my signature.

What were the religious beliefs? Could you elaborate on the arguments and why you think this is hopeless.

You say you're miserable and he is too.

Thank you, I have been reading all these NC rules and things that other people have said, and it's making me feel like maybe somewhere there is a little bit of hope.

Basically he is a Muslim and I am Agnostic, he has very strong opinions on what women should wear and do etc etc... I have completely the opposite opinions.. he had such a strong control over me in many ways that at one stage it got to the point where I was "not allowed" to go swimming and wear a bikini, I had to wear a t-shirt and shorts over the top to cover myself up... that is just one example.. we also argued tonnes about things... he could be quite rude to people who I lived with at University and is different to me in so many ways such as in ambition/attitudes to spending and money. Just lots of small things that really add up into one huge problem. I am not perfect either and can be difficult too, but it was a bad match.

Also he told me he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore as it was against his beliefs and he wanted to become more religious. You can imagine the pain of hearing that from someone you love.

So you can see that ultimately, between us things could only get worse, as one of us wasn't going to miraculously change our beliefs and I just couldn't go on conforming to all his wants and wishes. But despite all that we loved each other to pieces and depended on each other an awful lot, and the hardest thing is knowing that he is not there for me anymore. And that he is going through agony too.

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

Thank you, I have been reading all these NC rules and things that other people have said, and it's making me feel like maybe somewhere there is a little bit of hope.

Basically he is a Muslim and I am Agnostic, he has very strong opinions on what women should wear and do etc etc... I have completely the opposite opinions.. he had such a strong control over me in many ways that at one stage it got to the point where I was "not allowed" to go swimming and wear a bikini, I had to wear a t-shirt and shorts over the top to cover myself up... that is just one example.. we also argued tonnes about things... he could be quite rude to people who I lived with at University and is different to me in so many ways such as in ambition/attitudes to spending and money. Just lots of small things that really add up into one huge problem. I am not perfect either and can be difficult too, but it was a bad match.

Also he told me he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore as it was against his beliefs and he wanted to become more religious. You can imagine the pain of hearing that from someone you love.

So you can see that ultimately, between us things could only get worse, as one of us wasn't going to miraculously change our beliefs and I just couldn't go on conforming to all his wants and wishes. But despite all that we loved eachother to pieces and depended on eachother an awful lot, and the hardest thing is knowing that he is not there for me anymore. And that he is going through agony too.

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I'm probably not the one who should answer this because I do not believe in a man telling a woman what she can or cannot wear. I do not believe in a man who demands a woman to follow his rules. Neither do I believe in a man telling a woman what she can and cannot do. If my husband were to to tell me I couldn't wear a bikini.. I swear I would buy a thong and on me that isn't a pretty sight.

As for him insulting your friends that is a form of trying to control you and who you choose to be friends with. I'm sorry that in its self tells me me you did the right thing. I know some of the experts will give you better advice than me. Tal is a Gem... Good Luck and I'm so sorry!. Kit

No, thanks you're right, I don't agree with it either.. I know it is wrong and that it would only get worse, so that's why it has to end. I can control him too like I feel I can act like his mother and tell him what he should eat to be healthy etc... but I would never try to control him to the extreme of ordering him what to/what not to wear... I would never be allowed clubbing either.. not that I want to go but it's like he's decided it for me... it's just not fair.

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

No, thanks you're right, I don't agree with it either.. I know it is wrong and that it would only get worse, so that's why it has to end. I can control him too like I feel I can act like his mother and tell him what he should eat to be healthy etc.... but I would never try to control him to the extreme of ordering him what to/what not to wear.... I would never be allowed clubbing either.. not that I want to go but it's like he's decided it for me.... it's just not fair.

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I wish it could work out, but unless he changes or unless you want to be a doormat.. I think you did the right thing. I don't believe you want to be anyone's doormat. .

There has to be a balance in a relationship and you are the one who seems to have gotten the short end of the stick. Telling him to eat right is a whole lot different than telling him he can't go out to lunch with his friend because you don't like them. Only an example.

I hope you move on from this.. because if this has been his belief all his life, I don't see him changing. Good Luck and You are in my prayers... Kit

I certainly don't want to be anybody's doormat. That's going straight on my list of reasons it wouldn't work! The difficult thing now that I've made up my mind is coping with the aftermath. We have to meet after exams in 3 weeks (the longest EVER without seeing eachother) so I can give him back his stuff, and talk properly, because I feel I owe him a proper explanation in person rather than on the other end of the phone. Hopefully all the feelings of love and desire won't come rushing back too strongly. And I can't stop worrying about him and how he's not sleeping/eating/revising for his exams properly.

God, I just feel like I'll never meet someone else who I can be so close with... who I can ring in the middle of the night and feel so welcomed and loved.. I suppose in ways I wasn't getting all of that from him anyway but still it's so scary. I don't know how people cope with this!!

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

I certainly don't want to be anybody's doormat. That's going straight on my list of reasons why it wouldn't work! The difficult thing now that I've made up my mind is coping with the aftermath. We have to meet after exams in 3 weeks (the longest EVER without seeing eachother) so I can give him back his stuff, and talk properly, because I feel I owe him a proper explanation in person rather than on the other end of the phone. Hopefully all the feelings of love and desire won't come rushing back too strongly. And I can't stop worrying about him and how he's not sleeping/eating/revising for his exams properly.

God, I just feel like I'll never meet someone else who I can be so close with... who I can ring in the middle of the night and feel so welcomed and loved.. I suppose in ways I wasn't getting all of that from him anyway but still it's so scary. I don't know how people cope with this!!!

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We have all gone through this, luckily you aren't married to the guy and you have no children. You learn to take it one step at a time.. then one day at a time. It isn't going to be easy , especially when you still love him.
It won't happen overnight or even in a month. You will cry a lot and second guess yourself many times. There will be nights you walk the floor and think you did the wrong thing. The good news is it doesn't last forever and one day you hear yourself humming and looking forward
To the day.
I wish there were a way to get over it faster. A year from now.. I think you will be a lot happier or even a month or two from now. There is a great feeling when you're no longer walking on eggshells and dancing to his tune.
He is probably a good man but his beliefs about women have been instilled in him and it would be like trying to change the tide. He is strong in his beliefs as I am mine and I'm a Baptist. Only difference is I and my husband believe the same way and we brought our children up the same way. If you two had children just think of the turmoil there would be... Hope I've helped a little... God Bless... Kit

Thank you, you definitely have helped, some of the things you've said I've been thinking myself but it's really good when somebody else expresses similar opinions. I am lucky we weren't married/didn't have children.. I often think about how awful that would be and how cruel it would be to bring children into such a conflict. He is a very good person, but yes he has been brought up this way and changing is not an option.

The crying a lot has been happening yes but like you said, I hope through time it will get better. I think I just need to stop texting and talking to him, and depending on him so much. The NC idea should come into play soon once the initial shock has worn off.

He said he wasn't going to bother doing his exams anymore as he was only doing it all for me in the first place... his degree, his boxing... everything.. that was quite painful. Gah, this is a nightmare! But thanks, you have helped, I think I will be able to sleep a bit better tonight. I wonder if you've ever been through something like this before? I am glad you are happy with your husband though, that must be very good if you both believe the same.

Goodnight :)

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

Thank you, you definitely have helped, some of the things you've said I've been thinking myself but it's really good when somebody else expresses similar opinions. I am lucky we weren't married/didn't have children.. I often think about how awful that would be and how cruel it would be to bring children into such a conflict. He is a very good person, but yes he has been brought up this way and changing is not an option.

The crying a lot has been happening yes but like you said, I hope through time it will get better. I think I just need to stop texting and talking to him, and depending on him so much. The NC idea should come into play soon once the initial shock has worn off.

He said he wasn't going to bother doing his exams anymore as he was only doing it all for me in the first place... his degree, his boxing... everything.. that was quite painful. Gah, this is a nightmare! But thanks, you have helped, I think I will be able to sleep a bit better tonight. I wonder if you've ever been through something like this before? I am glad you are happy with your husband though, that must be very good if you both believe the same.

Goodnight :)

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My first marriage was to a man who treated me like I was five. I was very young and very far from home. I put up with his demanding ways for a long time. No make up, no shorts, no cutting my hair and no calling my parents because it cost too much. He took the car keys to the base with him so I couldn't leave and go to the store or anywhere.

I was a very good girl and he was my first everything. I loved him and I thought I must be doing something wrong to be treated in such a way. I won't go into the physical and mental abuse because every time I do it brings back horrible memories. I had never seen my dad hit my mom, it was something very alien to me.

When my daughter was very young there was an incident and I fought back and left. Here's the kicker.. even after all that I still missed him. It took a while to know he would never change and he hasn't. Multiple marriages and each time the divorce was caused by his abuse. I haven't seen him in over thirty years and I thank God for that. My husband made up for all the horrible things I had gone through and he treats my child as if she were his.

I learned a lot through all that and I hope you know how lucky you are to have escaped any physical abuse, although I think emotional abuse is sometimes much worse. You will love again someday when you least expect it and you'll wonder how you ever lived before you met your true love. We all get second chances sweetie and you have yours now. You sleep well and know, we are here if you need us and you keep on posting as much as you want... Blessings... Kit

Gosh that sounds like a really difficult relationship to come out of, especially as you loved him very much and had a child together. That is amazing that you managed to leave. Finding the courage to leave someone you live with must be so much harder.
I think I am lucky in a way, because I have escaped what would have been a lifetime of arguments, and there were hints there that the relationship might've become abusive it other ways, just hints... I truly hope one day I eventually meet someone else, but for the time being I don't want to communicate with another potential boyfriend ever again!

It's so odd, I spoke to him yesterday morning (the day after the break up), he got really upset and was really asking for us to try again. Then his phone rang and he had to go, he said he'd call me back. He was on the phone to someone (I think it was his brother) for about 2 hours. He didn't call me back after that. Now it's basically a day later (10am) and even though I've messaged him and called him quite a few times saying I'm really worried and will he ring me, he hasn't. I have this horrid fear that something's happened to him or he's done something to himself.. I know it's unlikely but seriously he would never not talk to me like this ever... and he lives 3 hours away so it's not like I can just pop over to check. Grrr it's driving me crazy not knowing if he's okay!!

It's okay. He eventually texted me to say he is fine. Thanks for all your advice, I am just going to try and get on with my day as best as normal. Have a lovely day x

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Originally Posted by eveamee09

It's okay. He eventually texted me to say he is fine. Thanks for all your advice, I am just going to try and get on with my day as best as normal. Have a lovely day x

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You too and try to break contact, even if you have to do it a day at a time... Blessings... Kit

Threads merged


Today is a couple of days after the break up and I still feel so raw. I am the one who broke it off because I couldn't cope with it anymore, I have gone into details in my one other post.. basically he was quite controlling and our differences became unbearable in the end. I was not happy. But I love him so deeply and miss him so much my heart feels like it's about to explode. I just can't stop crying and thinking about him, he was my everything and I depended on him emotionally so much. I have texted him but he hasn't replied, he told me to stop torturing him by talking to him, so I think it's time to stop that now. But I just can't seem to find the strength to let go. I feel so guilty for putting him through this. He must hate me so much, and I can't bear that thought as I know he was so deeply in love with me and I love him so much too. He has exams in a couple of days which I don't think he is bothering about anymore and I feel like it's all my fault. This is the cruelest thing in the world and I feel like I can't cope anymore. I know long-term it's the right answer, but right now it's quite hard to properly believe that. And I don't want somebody I love and care about so much to never speak to me again. The idea of never being close to him again makes it feel like he's died or something... I know that sounds quite dramatic but that's honestly how it feels.

I'm sorry to talk about it again, but I really don't have anyone else to talk to. I don't really feel like it's fair on my family or best friend to mention it anymore, they just want me to forget about it. I think just getting the feelings out on here can help sometimes. Thank you.

The more you think about it, the longer you drag out the pain.

Distract yourself as much as possible. Here are a list of things to do to help distract yourself: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html

Once you've healed from all your pains, you can always come back to these thoughts, but only when you're ready.

Until then, distraction is the key.