[sarah444]

This is such a complicated situation I will try to keep it as brief as possible and if any body manages to get to the bottom of the question and give me any advice I will be very grateful.

Basically I've run out of ideas with how to try and keep having any kind of relationship with my mum.

We have always had a turbulent relationship I think because we are so alike, both very strong willed and always right. She kicked me out when I was 17, changed the locks and went on holiday for 2 weeks. Since then I have never been home for more than 2 weeks except for a few months before I went to uni. Whilst at uni we spent over a year not speaking to each other. Since then my mum has been determined that the only way we can have a relationship is if I move home for a few months but I know this will never work.

She has been depressed for as long as I can remember and this makes her think that everything people do is because they don't like her. For example recently my nana had a hospital appointment that my mum was going to go to with her sister but my brother put water in the brake fluid instead of the windscreen washer. So although my mum got the problem fixed, my nana as an old lady was scared the car wouldn't be safe told her not to come. My mum decided this was because my nana didn't want her there and wanyted her sister there more. Everything is a personal attack to my mum.

I just told my mum I'm moving in with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years... not exactly rushing it. She started saying she thought it was a mistake and too soon bla bla what if we realise we are not right for each other and we need to move out. Well that's a risk anyone is taking! But then 10 minutes later her actual concern is that now I am moving in with my boyfriend it means I will never move back in with her. So she has made my cry and upset when this should be a happy time.

She does this every single time I have good news, she finds the bad in it and spoils my happiness and almost always manages to turn it around to how I have not considered her feelings. This has barely even scratched the surface of all the problems we have but I can't possibly write it all.

My friends all say she is unreasonable even when I do try to put things across from her perspective. I just basically don't know how long I can put up with her just because I understand why she feels and says the things she does. My friends have also told me I would be within my rights to say I'm through and I don't want to know her any more.

So basically how much longer should I let her make me feel like crap because I don't want to make her feel like crap?

[Jake2008]

It is good to read that you have managed to get yourself and education, and you have the ability to maintain a loving relationship with your boyfriend. That you are independent, and stable, despite all the negativity and confusion from your mom, is really a feather in your hat.

That being said, your relationship with her now doesn't have to end. But, it should be modified so that your needs are met, and boundaries allow you to not take such an emotional nosedive when she works her 'magic' on you.

Look at your life for what it is. Balanced, happy (for the most part), established, mature and responsible. Most of your life is what you have made it, and you are in a position to plan a secure future under your own steam.

You don't need 'mothering' any longer. Those apron strings were severed when she locked you out at age 17.

She needs you, more than you need her. While you have changed and grown into the person you are, she has pretty much remained in the same emotional place all these years. Change is up to her, not you, and at this stage of the game demanding changes to her behaviour would be counterproductive.

See or talk or email her on a regular basis, but keep details of your private life private. As well, when she starts getting into petty situations that have her feeling depressed, and she's leaning on you emotionally, stop the conversation. You can, I'm sure, see where the conversations are going by the topic she brings up.

Be polite, but be firm with her. Tell her simply that you don't want to hear all about the nitty gritty of why she is feeling slighted, because it depresses you, and you can't do anything about it. If she continues, repeat it again. She will get the message.

She can steer conversations away from her troubles with 99% of the population, so she can certanily observe that simple boundary with you. But only if you enforce it.

It isn't a mean thing to do. In fact, when she gets the point, she will still want to be in contact with you and speak to you, but the topics will not be centered around herself.

If you allow her to continue and allow her to affect you in this way, or you find yourself slipping while she lays a guilt trip, stop yourself and realize that the conversation isn't doing her any good, and it isn't doing you any good, and end it. Simply tell her you have to go.

I do know this is hard, but I also wonder if, because she relies on you so heavily, that you putting some boundaries in place, just may be a good thing for her in the long run.

But, please don't end the relationship. Just make it one that is manageable.

[positiveparent]

You need to forget about what your Mother says to you, she threw you out and locked you out when you were 17, about same age I was when my mother chucked me out.

Later much later in life I learned I had a Narcissitic Mother, and it sounds to me as if you just might have the same type, look it up online, read up what you can about it and what it all means and how it can damage you and your personality, if you think the description fits your mother then run and get yourself as far away from her as possible, because believe me she will only get worse.

My own Mother spent her entire life trying to destroy me and openly admitted it, she also told me she hated me, and meant that too.

This is not a rareity its really quite common and is being brought to the attention of the worlds media and therapists on a daily basis. There are women out there that should never have become Mothers, because they're incapable of being one. Please check out the info on Narcissitic Mothers, and anything related to it.

Apart from this you must live your life for you, not your Mother, she threw you out what right has she now to try to conrtrol your life. Its not her place or her business. Do what you want, for you and your own family.

Please let us know how you get on. Good Luck

[QLP]

Move out, get on with your life and enjoy it.

Leave the door open for a relationship with your mum but don't allow it to be on her terms anymore.

Let her come to you on terms that are acceptable to you. If you visit her and aren't happy with the way she is behaving then you can leave whenever you want. Reward good behaviour, when she has a mature converstion with you, by sticking around longer. If she wants to act like a child then treat her like one, she only gets positive attention for good behaviour not bad! If she tries to turn the conversation into an attack or moaning session, then just say, 'I can see you're in a bad mood right now, we can talk again when you're feeling better.' End of conversation. Walk away. Hopefullly she will get the message eventually.

[JoeCanada76]

Personal experience speaking here.

Best thing that happened was her letting you leave, now she is begging you to live with you and control your life to the point where you do not have your own life at all which is not fair.

I know there is a lot more to this story but you have become your own person with your own goals and life. You would be moving backwards if you continued to listen to your mother.

So my advice is it is time to lose contact. It might be hard for both but this type of relationship is not any good.

You need to live your own life, without any type of negative influence by your mother. She will just try to make your life miserable and will certainly try to make you feel guilty about everything. That is the control and emotional abuse that can ruin lives.

It is time to go your separate ways. Maybe there is time for connection later on in life but make sure that your strong and that you have made your own life the way you want it, without her influence in it.

As far as mistakes. You have to make your own. Whether it is good or bad moving in with your boyfriend or not. Is up to you. There is never guarantees but at least your going to take that chance to make it work.

Good luck with you, and know your better off not being part of her life it will only bring you down and any possible future that you have.

So in ending YES, you should end the relationship with your mother.

[gaylene234]

I think your Mum sound as though she is suffering from severe depression. Have you tried talking to her about seeing a doctor? Maybe if you suggested you went with her but set some rules as to how much involvement you want with helping her get better. She obviously loves you but she should let you lead your own life.

Maybe if you both saw a family counsellor together it might help.

Maybe you could tell her that you will phone her once a week but if she starts saying stuff that is upsetting you you will hang up. By saying this to her you are setting rules that she has to stick to but you are still keeping contact. Set a time for how long you will talk.. say 30mins... my daughter did this to me... it worked... we are very close now... I know my boundaries now and just don't cross them but it took awhile

Hope these suggestions are of some help... she is your mother you are not hers... you are entitled to live your own life.