[pidge2020]

Hiya,
I just wondered if people out there think that it's possible that one of your parents really doesn't love you.
I have suffered from severe depression on and off since leaving school, I lost my Dad in July 07 and things have escalated badly for me. I never had a chance to grieve for my Dad because my Mum went into crash mode and I had to be both myself and my Dad and do everything for her, almost two years down the line nothing has changed and she really won't help herself. I have tried so hard to help her get on, she hasn't been to bed or watched TV since we lost him and always has a wall up around her. I cook for her to make sure she eats and my husband bless him does everything he can, but now seeing me like this I think he is having a hard time keeping his mouth shut. Mum always told me she's never wanted kids, Dad did and he was my best friend he made me the person I am today for which I'll always be grateful. Mum though, Mum is a different story she is fine when you are giving her attention or doing things for her but for the rest of it she makes it clear that I am only in her heart because I am part of Dad, I know she 'tolerates' me for being a part of him. She insults me, makes me feel like I am the biggest loser even told me that I couldn't know how she was feeling when we lost Dad because he was her husband he was only my Dad... My depression has gotten so bad now, my regular doctor is amazing but she is on maternity leave and the other doctor makes me feel bad about not being able to 'pick myself up like an adult'. I have started self harming because the pain I feel and the blood I see makes me forget about the pain in my heart. It is an awful feeling knowing your only remaining parents love is not an unconditional mothers love just something she feels obliged to do because of Dad. I keep quiet so much because I don't want to hurt her, she's getting old now too and I don't want to upset her but I am so sick of being her slave, skivvy, cook and cab driver I am only good for these things otherwise I am nothing to her.
So sorry I have gone on and on just don't know where to turn. Can't tell my hubby too much because he would get mad and want to tell my Mum how she is breaking my heart and controlling my life, I understand that because if the tables were turned I would be the same for him I love him so much.
Where do I turn now? Do I carry on as I am or do I tell her how she is making me feel?
Thanks so much for listening x

[artlady]

You can only do so much for some people before they suck the life right out of you.

You are like the sad child who is always looking for a mothers love and will never find it because she just does not have it in her.Maybe she never did ,but right now she is incapable because she is locked in to her grief.

I applaud all you have done for her but it is time to think of your own mental health and your survival.

By doing everything for her you are enabling her to stay in this state of inertia where she is merely existing.Her depression will not bring your father back and she needs help that you can not provide.

I suggest if she has medical insurance,she get a visiting nurse or a home aide to come in and handle the chores that have been left to you.

If that is not an option,you could prepare some meals that you freeze and send them to her.
You are not responsible for your fathers death and you are not responsible for your mothers lingering depression.

You must be responsible for yourself.
You need to distance yourself from her as much as possible so that you can have the quality of life you deserve.

[JoeCanada76]

Your trying to help your mom out by taking care of everything, but in reality your making the situation worse for your mom and yourself.

I was taking care of my uncle, doing everything possible and it does eventually tear you apart because you always see that they are not willing to do anything for themselves and then you keep everything in and eventually it will come to ahead and be a big confrontation.

What you need to do is stand up for yourself, tell your mom exactly how you feel. I know you want to help your mom out but I think the best thing you can do is step back and stop doing everything for her. This enabling her is not getting her better but worse, and now it is starting to effect you.

Who cares if your mom really wanted to have children or not. Your father is always in your heart and your mom has issues going on that she needs help with but professional help.

I also suggest you do some counseling if you feel the need but I have a feeling once you step back and stop letting her control you and you start standing up for yourself it might be very hard to do and it will not be easy but YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND.

Whenever you take these steps to change this then your mental health will improve and your relationship will improve with your husband. You not communicating with your husband is only making the relationship with you two strained. You need to cleave to your husband not your mom.

Take care and make the changes...

Joe