[anewday]

Haven't posted on here for a while. Again, I'm not really asking a question per se, just seeking a bit of reassurance & some help, as... well... having an outside opinion always helps with a bit of clarification.

Been seeing a girl for 3 weeks. We get on incredibly well, have a great spark, feel comfortable around each other, etcetc. The problem is that within these 3 weeks we've seen each other 6 times, which is pretty intense. Things just got better after every date though, so I just ran with it, as it felt good. She seems to feel the same way...

... except for our contrasting barriers. She was previously (~8 months ago) in a tough relationship where he didn't show much attention (at all) and she felt thoroughly neglected. They broke up multiple times, got back, etc (obviously didn't initiate NC). So she's pretty cold towards showing how she feels & her barrier is to reject emotional approaches.
My barrier is to be incredibly intense as I *know* that pushes people away, 100%. When I start caring for someone I become utterly irrational and throw up my barriers so I don't get hurt again. The usual.

Obviously these contrasting barriers are starting to create a bit of friction now. Things are going swimingly, then either she'll totally clam up, or I'll say something utterly ridiculous and forward thinking, even when I'm not even actively thinking about it. It's just a reactionary thing.

Guess I just need someone to tell me that I'm being an idiot, and to snap out of that stupid self destructive hard coded barrier, or I'll probably lose someone who I could have a fun time with. If anyone has any pointers as to how I can actually overcome my intensity, that would be greatly appreciated too!

[Homegirl 50]

How long has it been since your last relationship? She may not be ready for one herself.
You have seen each other 6 times in the last 3 weeks that is not a whole lot, but how is it intense?
Maybe see each other every now and then, talk on the phone. Slow it down a bit. Give yourselves some breathing room.

[anewday]

Since my last proper relationship? Just over a year.
The thought has crossed my mind that she may not be ready herself, but I'd rather leave her to decide that. She accepts that she needs to chill out in regards to clamming up, but she also knows that it'll take her some time to open her emotions again. I've accepted that. She's asked me to chill out in regards to my intensity, which I can understand could be overwhelming, even more so for her.

It's been intense in the sense that they've actually all been really fun, awesome dates. We've both always left with grins on our faces, but I'm quite an open person, so sometimes I'll ask some personal questions that she may not have been used to in the past. In my mind they are questions that are essential for me to deduce whether this could be a person that I may have a future with. I'm probably pushing these questions too early, but as I said, I'm pretty open so it comes naturally to me. Guess I need to respect her boundaries a little more, instead of just addressing my own. She even said that on our 5th date, I already knew quite a few things about her that her ex never bothered to ask.

I think I just need to restrain my natural inclinations to fall head-over-heels too fast, and relax a bit. I am going away for 5 days this week, so hopefully that'll give some natural breathing room.

Thanks for the response!

[Homegirl 50]

Well I hope things work out. Maybe the time away will be good for you both.
Not every relationship will be "the one" so practice not getting too personal with people. You work on that, even if she is not the one, you will have gotten better for the next one.

[Jake2008]

You have only had six dates with her! You are already pushing her into a corner, and she will soon think that you cannot control yourself, and she'll walk away.

Do not assume that asking personal questions is okay with everyone, just because that's the way you are. Take the hint when she says you are too intense, and tuck the probing intimate questions about her life into the back of your brain. You already know too much after only six dates.

Think before you speak, both in asking a question, and answering a question. Instead get to know each other better. Likes, dislikes, books, movies, etc. Try to be active on a date instead of sitting and only talking. Go hiking or bike riding together, have a picnic on the way. Do fun things that don't leave you thinking that you've stepped over the line and scared her off.

Think non-intimate to be safe. After six dates with my husband I didn't even know how to spell his last name, let alone any details of his personal life.

That part will gradually come into the picture, once you have established a relationship based on just having fun, and getting to know each other better. Enjoy that part, because it is very important. You don't need to bring up anybody's past, in order to enjoy their company in the present.

[anewday]

Thanks for the advice :)

We went on a really relaxed dinner & bowling date, which we both agreed was really fun. There was no pressure, no awkward questions, everything was great.
We spoke a few times via text before I went away for the long weekend. Again, nothing serious; just chatty.
Sent a cople of texts the first 2 days I was away, as... well.. I didn't really have time! Phoned her briefly on Saturday for about 3 minutes. We agreed to meet up on Monday. I gave her the options of a quiet drink & a walk, or a quiet night at hers, to which she preferred a qiuet night at hers.
On the way back on Monday I mentioned that I was looking forward to relaxing after such a heavy weekend, although I didn't mention specifically with her. We arranged a time, although she said that she maybe late due to a long day at work. An hour to go, she called it off as she was shattered.
I was a bit annoyed at this as I'd travelled half the country & still wanted to see her. Said that I had been looking forward to seeing her, but it was fine. She apologised, so I offered that we could chat on the phone for a bit.
She called for about 20 minutes. Asked about each other's weekend, joked about her "standing me up", discussed what we'd do next week. She mentioned that her mum had called her earlier to ask if she was going out with me that night. We agreed to meet up within the next few days (on a certain day). I took all of this as positives.

She then doesn't reply until very late the next day. That's fine; she's obviously busy with work again. She wakes me up as I'm still shattered from the weekend, so I send a mindless flirty text, with tongue very firmly placed in cheek. She must totally misconstrue this as she doesn't reply. Normally that'd be fine. But I pop onto the computer quickly, and my curiosity gets the better of me. I surf onto the dating website where we met, and she was online.

Normally that'd be OK, but we'd both agreed on dating exclusively, and about a week ago the site had come up in normal discussion, and we both told each other that we hadn't logged onto it in ages.

Now, if she's using it to meet new people whilst we're together & has been lying about using it, then she's not worth my time anyway. She's obviously not that interested in me otherwise she wouldn't go back on there.
Maybe she's just not emotionally over her ex (of a year ago) and is subconciously "using" me to get over him?
Maybe she feels like she's becoming really attached to me, so is getting a bit coldfeet-ish from fear of being hurt?
Maybe she assumes that I just want her for sex? (We slept together for the first time a week & a half ago, haven't since, but she did seem slightly unsure about a day afterwards, so I didn't really press the issue until the text last night - especially as she invited me over to hers after I returned from my trip).

Am I over-reacting?

I won't bring up that she's been on the dating website (for obvious reasons), but I almost feel intimidated to bring anything up, in case I make her feel pressured. I know that I should just relax & have fun, but I know that she over analyses everything (probably even more so than me!), so I don't want to just totally sit back and let her worry about something that doesn't even exist.
I fear that she's the kind of person who is so scared of getting hurt again that she'll create false spectres to protect herself & due to her lack of confidence in saying how she feels emotionally, then she won't bring these issues up without prompting.

[Jake2008]

That online dating thing. My understanding, from a few friends that do that, is that once you start dating someone, you stay off the site. But, I always wondered if that was a hard and fast rule because surely you must meet people that you just enjoy talking to.

But, with an agreement to date exclusively, and she returns to the site, you really don't know the reason why, unless you ask her. Then again, you'd have to explain why you were on there too. ;)

Maybe instead of giving her options for a date, ask her what she would like to do. Is she into any fitness things like biking or swimming?

If you are feeling that this is starting to go nowhere, and you feel like you are in a holding pattern, perhaps on the next date (in person), ask her if she still wants to date exclusively. That's a pretty straight forward question, and considering the relationship isn't that old, but old enough that you should feel comfortable asking.

It might give you a better idea of what's going on with her.

[Homegirl 50]

If you are feeling that this is starting to go nowhere, and you feel like you are in a holding pattern, perhaps on the next date (in person), ask her if she still wants to date exclusively. That's a pretty straight forward question, and considering the relationship isn't that old, but old enough that you should feel comfortable asking.

It might give you a better idea of what's going on with her.

Good idea!

[talaniman]

What's up with you youngsters always in such a hurry to jump into something before you even know what's happening or know the person well enough to understand them. If your only perspective and judgment comes from you, and How you feel, and it freaks you out or confuses you when they act differently, then you know it's a big red flag waving that,

You are not paying close attention
You are not ready the situation correctly
You are assuming how they feel, when you actually don't know, and don't know how to find out.
You have a problem with making adjustments
You are to emotionally involved to be rational
You are carried away by intense feelings and are prone to impulsive actions and words.
You have moved to fast, and invested too much to a stranger you don't know, nor do you have the skills to find out.
You are impatient, and pushing for what you want, but don't care about what she wants.
You are without coping skills, communications skills.
You are not in control of your emotions.
You are impatient.

And yes, selfish.

They all apply here and maybe its all you, or maybe its you both, but such relationships seldom last beyond the initial honeymoon stage any way so back off and pay attention before you run head first into a brick wall, because any mature experienced guy would be very cautious with a female recovering from a relationship, and her 8 months may not have been sufficient for a proper healing. (thats a signal for a possible rebound)

But your inexperience and lack of self control, will not permit you to see that so please wear a helmet because trust me, that brick wall is harder than your head, and for now, you already know you have a hard head. Not your fault completely, just the way it is, until you gain maturity, and experience.

[anewday]

Just a quick update:
We had a brief phone call where we had some general chit-chat, and arranged to meet up for tomorrow. About an hour later she sent me a text apologising for not really communicating this past week, as she'd been "thinking a lot", and realised she isn't ready for any sort of committed relationship at the moment, with anyone. She said she wants to keep on seeing me, but I assume that's because she enjoys the attention I give her, or whatever.

Tal:
I was reading Tyler20's thread yesterday, and it seemed remarkably similar. Basically the same, except that this one was 8 months/1 year down the line, and still hadn't healed.

I knew that she wasn't ready for a relationship, but instead of thinking with my head, I acted on my heart, and pushed it too hard & too fast. As you said, that's just the way I am, and the only real way I can learn is from experience. I should've kicked back and let it grow slowly, but was selfish and acted on what I wanted.
I think that I read the situation pretty accurately; I just left it up to her to decide if she was ready. I also read that she was cooling the past few days. Although I may have been confused internally, I acted totally normal externally instead of being insecure or pushy. At least I've improved in that respect.

As again, I have been selfish. I didn't sit down to think about what she wanted, or needed. I get carried away with potential, instead of acting on how they are now. I invest far too much, too early because... yes, I am impatient. My greatest fear is running out of time. I know it's irrational (or perhaps just human nature), but I see friends getting married almost every other month, and I worry. I don't feel inadequate, but I do feel as if I won't find someone who I can share myself with before it's "too late".

Either way, I'll continue seeing her, but will hold onto roughly zero hope. I won't exactly be defeatist, but I'll certainly keep all other options open.
Hopefully this'll be the last time I have this problem as it's starting to sicken me...

[anewday]

Not that it really matters now, but I saw her yesterday.
Started OK, but she was a bit distant, so I got a bit nervous, started saying stuff before I thought about it first, and generally destroyed it. We were still vaguely intimate, and she was still interested (she did actually turn up after all), but it was horribly awkward (for me at least). I ended up putting up basic barriers and being defensive, which got her running defensive too. I don't think she'll be replying to my messages.

I'm actually furious with myself. Even though I'd only known her for a really short while, and I ran with my head and was too impulsive and let my emotions run freely, etc. She was actually the first person I've really cared about (in a romantic sense) in over a year. I know that I'll hopefully learn from my mistakes, but she was a great girl, and I'm upset that I potentially helped to stop it before it even really started. I know that she's possibly just backing off as she's scared due to how close we were getting, but my intensity of emotions towards her certainly didn't help that. Eurgh.

[talaniman]

Some of us can be overwhelming, but that's why life lessons are called growing pains. It really does hurt to learn sometimes. But we eventually (some of us) do make adjustments, and do better.