[bigboyslim]

Ok so my fiancée doesn't seem to want sex anymore. We have been together for about 6 years and got engaged 6 months ago. Earlier in our relationship, we had sex often enough (maybe 2-3x a week) but after about 4 years it became less maybe once a week, then once every 2 weeks, then once every 3 weeks until a steady diet of about once a month.

We are both in our twenties. We do not live together because her family is somewhat religious and we are not supposed to live together until we are married. So opportunities for sex are a little limited because we don't live together and can't have sex at her house.

I am allways the one that has to initiate sex and when we have sex I allways have to do " all the work". She seems to enjoy sex when we have it but I hardly ever have it anymore so I am not very happy. She used to do a lot more in the bedroom. I love oral sex and I never receive it anymore. Our sex is pretty much standard now. I initiate sex. I undress both of us. I go down on her then mount her in missionary position. Then she turns over and wants me to mount her from behind as she lays there. This to me almost sounds like rape but she smilles the whole time and talks a little dirty so I know that at the time she is having fun.

I tried to change my approach and not bother her for sex. I would only occaisionally hint at sex if the time was right and leave the ball in her court. Well that certainly backfired because I haven't had sex in 3 months now!

I'm really starting to worry about our relationship and our future marriage. I can't go on and live in a sexless marriage. I have no problem having sex with one woman for the rest of my life but if that woman will not have sex with me than I will get it from somewhere else and I am not the type of guy to cheat so something has got to give.

I don't want to sound cocky but I am a really good looking guy. I'm tall, dark and handsome. I work out regularly and keep great hygiene. Wherever I go, women are staring or checking me out or hitting on me. Even with all the temptation I've had to deal with in my life I have never cheated nor will I. I've allways treated my woman like a queen.

I am not bad at sex either. I know what I am doing and the women that I was with previous to my current all wanted lots of sex from me and I would receive compliments on how great I was ( again, not to sound cocky but its true)

My fiancé is a beautiful woman, she has confidence, and she knows I'm not a cheater. I have talked to her about it before and I get all the standard excuses for no sex ( time of the month, too stressed, tired, blah, blah , blah).

The lack of sex has really bothered me and has filled my mind with all kinds of doubt. Does she even enjoy sex? Will I have less or more sex in the future? Is she sleeping with someone else? Is she a lesbian?

I guess I just need advice on what to do, has anyone else had a similar experience?

[Larken85]

Have not really had a similar experience but I have a little advice. It seems like she has a low sex drive. Even from the start it looked a little low. Now you are 6 years into the relationship and things are getting old I think. Now sex has become more of a chore for both of you and whether you feel the same ways about it being a chore (you having to work so hard to get it, her having to do it) its still a place where she seems to have lost interest.

A man in love should love his woman with or without sex, 3 months is not a long time to go without it, believe me man I did 8 months after having lots of sex, we just stopped. I know what you're going through on that part of it. I begged basically and finally I sat down and said "hunny, I need sex. I love you, I will always love you and I am not about to leave you, but you gotta help me out here. I respect you and your wishes and I deserve to be treated with respect too." She was walking all over me at the time, now she isn't and now we are having sex again. Less often then I hoped for but at least once a week.

However here is my opinion. A guy should never make his girl love on him. She has to choose to or you will hate every moment of it. (more like Rape than you can imagine.) If you cannot live without sex then you are going to have to find another way to connect to the people you love because that is no way to live man. You cannot be dependent upon sex. However in a relationship each partner needs to be caring and compassionate and cater to each others needs. Maybe there is something that you are just not doing for her, talk to her and see what you can work out. Tell her that you need it and tell her that you FEEL that she doesn't love you anymore the way she used to. That you FEEL totally unwanted and you are getting depressed about it. See if that works

[kp2171]

I think there are some things that couples considering marriage or long term commitment need to be able to talk about openly, and be relatively on the same page.

money, goals, sex, needs, emotional struggles...

a decent book to read is gary chapman's Five Love Languages... basically addresses five different ways people show commitment to each other and how they perceive commitment from their mate... Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Quality Time.

read this with a love I was having problems with... she was distant sexually... we were both saying that the other wasn't paying attention... which meant we both wanted attention and were both missing how the other was asking for or showing it.

so... it's a simple read. Doesn't come across as a How to Save a DOOMED Relationship type read... more of a how to be able to listen to your mate or understand the things they value more...

so... by the time we were done id seen that while my mate was looking for quality time... really just sitting together, decompressing, being in the same space even if we weren't doing anything... I was running around doing acts of service... fixing things, checking off tasks, etc.

found out that my need to physical touch was much higher than hers.

and in some ways, reading it and then having her read it and talk about it... again... it was less stressful... we were talking about ideas in the book... not saying "Why dont you???"

just a thought. Again, an easy read. You can probably pick up a good condition copy on Amazon cheaply. Check it out and if you are interested, let her know you'd like to know what she thinks...

now obviously, this is a set up, in part. You know you are going to bring up sex. But, again, its not just some elaborate scheme to confront her... I think it has really good points for anybody in a relationship...

sounds like her drive is low. Any health issues? Does she exercise? Get good sleep? Do you have really private space for sex?

I had a lover whose drive was about 1/3 of mine, dropped down from when we first dated, and ultimately I had to accept that I was always going to need to be the one who initiates most of the time... as not only was her drive lower, but her mental response to being chased was more favorable... she liked being pursued...

so... I think you must talk to her about this. It doesn't get any easier because you are married. It definitely doesn't get easier when kids come into the picture.

sex isn't all there is to a good marriage... but read the boards here and you see a lot of unhappy people who feel neglected and unwanted when their partner just is not interested...

it is something you have to come to terms with... and I think she deserves a chance to hear your real concerns and desires without it being a blame game. How she responds to your being open and honest might be telling.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule- Love the mind, the body will follow.

The brain is the major sex organ for humans, as men can get turned on by visual things, but females need more. Have you been paying attention to what turns on your female? We are not talking about foreplay here, but the mental/physical way you communicate and interact.

It could be a simple as opportunity, or location, but usually a lack of sex is only a symptom of a problem in other areas of the relationship. Talk to her. Communicate without confronting.

The book KP recommends is a good one for some insights into male/female communications that's positive.

Home - Five Love Languages

[red22]

I have exactley the same problem, I think the worst thing I ever did was make it a big issue. I should have approchad it better. Itink me saying I was fed up with it has made it even more of a problem. But it is good to mention it. Just do it before you lose your head like I did.