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Leslie L · Mar 31, 2010, 03:56 PM

My boyfriend of 2 yrs told me he wants space from me. He told me that he cherishs every moment with me but he's feeling so lost in his life. He said he doesn't think he has anything to offer me as a boyfriend and can't be there 100% for me. His reasons for the time apart are because he feels out of shape, he just lost his job, he doesn't do enough with our church, and drinks too much. He says his life is off track and he needs to get to a better place. He said he feels so comfortable with me and confused. He said we're at the point where we either head to the alter or split and he's not sure what he wants. I agree with him on the being more involved in our church and drinking concerns. I do think we may both have drinking problems and use it as an escape. Not from each other but life and to have fun. He tells me he cares about me deeply, I told him I loved him and he said nothing. My heart is deeply broken and need to know how to move on from this. How long do I wait before giving up completely? I haven't contacted him and I won't.

Carl17 · Mar 31, 2010, 04:04 PM

It sounds to me like he is depressed and just needs some time away to think. It hurts terribly when you tell someone that you love them, and you hear nothing but silence back. If I was you I would give him some time to think and hope that you can work things out together. Something that I'm curious about though, you said that he doesn't do enough work for the church, have you been pushing him to do work with the church, and does he enjoy working with the church. Now onto the drinking problem, my father was an alcoholic for 20+ years, and he started being a chairman (Leader) for Alchoholics Anonymous meeting, I would see if you could find one near you, it would be something that you could do together to imrpove both of your lives, the first step is admitting that you have a problem, and onto the path into recovery, you will feel a lot better once you kick the habit :). Alcoholics Anonymous : Can help you take the next step.

Leslie L · Mar 31, 2010, 04:24 PM

Thank you for responding, I'm a complete newbie at this.

The involvement with the Church is him putting pressure on himself. We are both Christians and go to Church together. He feels that he needs to be doing more for others and serving. He already volunteers for middle school kids every week, kind of like a youth group. I don't pressure him at all, I'm actually inspired by him to do more myself.

I do see him having a drinking a problem and I find myself "needing" a glass of wine after work. I told him I would go to AA with him and he said he wasn't there yet. That was about 6 months ago. We've talked about not drinking, myself included but haven't been able to do it. I'm to blame in that as well.

Carl17 · Mar 31, 2010, 05:58 PM

Well then, I think that he just needs some time to think, as for the AA aspect, you can't help someone unless they want help, so if he can't admit that he has a problem, he can't get help. If you however think that you may have a drinking problem, don't let him stop you from going to AA, go by yourself, better yourself, maybe he will be inspired by you :). Don't by afraid of AA, the people are very nice, and there is a meeting near you, I can almost guarantee it. You may even enjoy it, if you so choose to attend one.

jmjoseph · Mar 31, 2010, 06:14 PM

Chances are if you THINK that you have a drinking problem, you DO.

No one here can truly tell what he wants or needs. But I can tell you one thing. If you both are battling alcohol, your not going to get anywhere.

Look into Alcoholics Anonymous like Carl mentioned. Go to an "open" meeting, and observe. You'll be amazed at what does, and doesn't, go on there.

You see, Alcoholics Anonymous saved my marriage, my sanity, and my life.

Go free yourself of substance addiction.

You may find out it will save your life too.

God bless you both.

Carl17 · Mar 31, 2010, 06:16 PM

Joseph is exactly right. I would like to encourage you both to go to a meeting, but if you both cannot make it, you should go for your own well being, I know that you don't know me, who I am, what kind of person I am, or anything about me, but I know that if you think that you have a problem, you probably do, and if you get help, your life will be a lot better.

talaniman · Apr 1, 2010, 12:17 PM

Had to spread the rep JMJ, but you're right!

You have already done the right thing for yourself, by stopping the contact with him, as it may be he has his own demons to conquer, finding solace in a bottle, and isolating himself is not the answer. Leaving him alone is.

Matter of fact, having a life that you enjoy without him, is what you need to keep from waiting for him to get his act together.

As others have said, an open AA meeting or an Alan-non group may give you some good insights, and education, on how to deal with him, without jeopardizing yourself. Never know what you can learn from those who have dealt with issues like yours, first hand, up close and personal.