[terryleejr]

Just to start. We are both adults over 40yrs old and we each have a grown child from a previous marriage. We are each in great health active and both considered attractive. We have been dating for three months and it has been very nice and very slow. Quite romantic, just not sleeping together. I do in fact like it slow. We live an hour apart and she is very busy with work and I understand this. I also know she was in a relationship for about 6 months previous to dating me.

For most of these three months we would see each other about once a week and she would call me most mornings and we would talk for at least an hour each time. Also some text messaging as well. This has really grown our friendship greatly, ( I believe) So.. She has now been hot and cold with me over the last few weeks. Like call me everyday for a week and then hide from me the next. She has been making sure to tell me she can't be in a relationship right now even though I have never pressured her for that or suggested it. Like I said she has put forth a lot of effort calling me and pursuing me until now. She knows I'm very interested because I have said so but I have not required or asked for an exclusive relationship with her, in fact I have never brought it up. She keeps bringing up that she can't have a relationship.

So in close, after a week of her absence she texts me.. "can we just have hot sex, no strings attached" I'm thinking What?? A month ago she looks me in the eye and says she is looking for someone to spend the rest of her life with.. Now when I try to arrange a day to get together she won't turn me down or agree, she just won't give me the yes or no.. Why not just say I can't see you today? So... I'm in love... UGH.. half my life over and I finally thought I found her...

Is this a test? I though I knew women.. LOL

t~

[I wish]

She's on the rebound.

She just wants friends with benefits.

Simple as that. What do you want? If you're not on the same page, then pursue this further because you are only setting yourself up to get hurt.

[terryleejr]

Okay.. I'm old enough to understand that... Although a week ago she makes sure I know that she doesn't sleep around and would only sleep with a B/F because it becomes emotional for her.. So if I sleep with her I get her emotions?

[I wish]

If she wanted a closed relationship, she wouldn't say: "can we just have hot sex, no strings attached".

If she really wanted a serious relationship, she wouldn't flip flop her actions and words to confuse you.

The reason she doesn't want you to find someone else is a possessive characteristic. That's a huge red flag. Why can she insist on no strings attached for herself, but strings attached for you?

I know you have feelings for her and that you want to defend her. But she's obviously messing with your mind. If you can't take the heat, then get out of the kitchen.

But again, if she wanted a serious relationship, she wouldn't play mind so many games with you and ask you for a friends with benefits arrangement.

[talaniman]

I think at the root of your problem is after 3 months of dating, she is still a stranger that you don't completely understand, but because you are very attracted, you want more than just a friendship.

While its understandable, giving her your heart at this time, would be a disaster for you, and lead to confusion. In short, you may be letting your attraction get you carried too deeply into her, than may be wise. Its you who must go slower with your own emotions, and feelings, or get swept away by this situation. Having sex, with no strings attached, is fine for her, but it will only confuse you more than you are now.

You may know women, but you obviously don't know yourself. There is a lot more to know of this female, and of yourself, and if your confused now, it will get worse later, unless you cope with your own feelings, and let go of expecting anything but a good time from her, and if you can't handle that, be smart enough to be unavailable, as opposed to just going along, hoping it will lead to more.

If your that interested as you think, then you must have more facts about not only her nature, but her character, motives, and agenda, and that may take a lot longer, and requires a more objective mind than you have now. So get yourself together, and decide in honest way, your own boundaries, and objectives, and how that works when dealing with others.

[terryleejr]

All good advice that makes good sense.. So yes I'm very attracted, obviously because she put effort into attracting me but I have not been after more than a good time at this point. At least I haven't come off like that. She makes 80% of all the communication contact and I don't really chase her. She knows I like her and she says she likes me and fears getting too close... Still I'm in no hurry to start anything more than a dating friendship getting to know her and this much I have said to her "I'm in no hurry to start anything".. With all that.. I do see she wants strings on me by saying "no strings" to me... I haven't put them on her and haven't tried. When she is out (not with me) I don't ask her who she's been out with where she's been.. I don't pry~ I have not exclusively been out with her.. She is just the one I have a real attraction for... I guess I can say first she's jekyll then she's hyde... at least she makes a lovely pair.

[talaniman]

I think staying within your own well defined boundaries of good behavior, is the best thing to keep from being led down a path that looks good, feels good, but goes no where but in a big circle.