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toxiccc · Mar 2, 2010, 08:35 AM

We just did. We got back together because we love each other and we know we have problems and are willing to work on them. He is finally making an effort about it and I’m so glad and that's what attracted me to him even more. I promised I will try to improve myself too. Why do you think I don't want to change? I used to be the only one doing that not just trying like him, so I got a little tired and felt kind of used by him not making enough effort, a bit of frustrated too, and that made him that way. Now it's different. We really hope we will work our things out. I think I learned to approach him more softly and patiently as he really dislikes arguments which I think are healthy and normal. He also opened up to me more and showed me parts of himself I’ve never seen before. I was clueless about him being that way so now I changed my attitude in communicating with him and when I see it's going in a wrong way, we just stop and go all over again in a right way when it's the right time. I can't believe it is so simple and it makes a big step forward in our relationship. We still do have issues but we go on slowly, day by day...

toxiccc · Mar 11, 2010, 09:54 AM

Threads merged
My by and I were talking, and he mentioned a name of a guy I was out with on a drink. He's just a new friend from college, nothing more nothing less. We barely see each other. I'm positive I've told my boyfriend I was on a drink with him, but I'm hundred percent sure I haven't told him his name. It's a peculiar one, and I would remember telling him. Why would I tell him anyway, he's practically no one to me and vice versa.

At the moment it happened my boyfriend made a strange face, squeezed his eyes oddly and I looked at him with a suspicion- how could he possibly know his name? But I just went on with a conversation like nothing happened, pretending I've realized I've must have told him. I don't know why I felt at that moment like I want to laugh at his face. So I just changed the subject. I really have nothing to hide but I've never expected him spying on me.

It happened a day or two after my friend and I had a drink, so I would remember telling him details about that, I've just mentioned it very briefly. I'm positive he snooped and found about him from my messages. It's not that I kept quiet because I'm unsure of it. I didn't want an argument and I felt sorry for him. I didn't want to put him through trouble nor embarrass him. I'm sure he wouldn't admit it and say that he guessed the name or I've told him, but it would be an obvious lie. This is maybe no big deal but it is a shock to me. I thought he trusted me and I didn't give him a reason not to. I think I should have confronted him about it when it happened because now it will be like discussing past mistakes and being annoying. What now?

talaniman · Mar 11, 2010, 10:31 AM

How about confronting the real problem first. He obviously became insecure enough after you announced having a drink with this fellow that he decided to check up on you. That's the real issue, that he didn't express himself at the time. At that point its not about trust, but his own insecurity, and had you calmly brought out that fact when he slipped and mentioned his name, then maybe it could be dealt with in the open. But now his actions have you taking his actions personally, and that's not good because while you both are caught up in your own personal feelings, you fail to recognize the lack of true communications, through honest expressions of how you feel.

I think you back up, and deal with his real feelings over you having a drink with this fellow, acknowledge that you know it bothers him, and start from there. Maybe he can then see your side of being trusted and how important that is to you.

Confronting someone usually makes them defensive, and not open to co operating, because they are overwhelmed, and feel attacked.

toxiccc · Mar 13, 2010, 02:20 AM

Ok, but what if I tried to communicate it with him nicely not to upset him, but he denied the fact it bothers him. I didn't even say I knew about his snooping around, but I just wanted him to express his concerns he obviously has about my male friend. I couldn't even get that from him. There is no way he'll admit it, even when it's clear I know about it. So how can I make him feel better and more secure?

It's getting worse. I went with this guy on a drink again; we had some unfinished stuff to discuss. Our relationship is not even a friendship, we see each other because we have to, and we have nothing in common. I've told my boyfriend I’m going and ask if that's OK with him. He said of course. And then out of nowhere I got a call from him in the middle of my hanging out with this guy, saying he's at the town with a friend, about what I wasn't informed like I did it to him, asking where are we, can he join us, with a lame excuse.

I would never ask for such a thing uninvited and I think he's crossing the boundaries of privacy. I won't even take this personal, but am I wrong of thinking he's jealous and controlling or he's just clueless. I have no idea what to do now.

amicon · Mar 13, 2010, 02:55 AM

Unless you can have an adult discussion about the things that bother you,the two of you are on a slippery slope.

Talk to him.

Brushing things under the carpet doesn't make them go away.

talaniman · Mar 13, 2010, 07:00 AM

Yes he is jealous and wants to see for himself what's going on. He is not a great communicator of his feelings and I think you will have to gently take his hand and guide him through it. Its all about honest expressions of how you both feel. Not "i Love you" or "me too!"

If my wife had ask me if it was okay to join me with a friend, I would have just said "sure", and not given it a second thought.

I have done that with all my exes, why not, its healthy to meet you're partners friends, and reassuring. (even though you're not that good of friends are you?)