[sunsandmoons]

So yeah, over the last 6 months I've gotten really possessive which I hate, Im in a huge rut after graduating and not knowing where Im at, Im also quite grouchy about pretty much everything. Its been driving my girlfriend mad for a while then she finally asked for a break.

She said exactly this on Saturday. I want a break to think about what I want. During the break we won't see other people. I'll call you next weekend to see where we're at.

She finished, I don't know what's gotten into you but if you keep going, you're pushing your friends away, you're pushing me away, you'll have nobody left.

I admit to everything, it is all my fault.

Now how do I fix everything before its too late?

Really need some help on this one, I've never been like this in my life!

Thanks

[I wish]

The best thing that you can do is work on yourself. Get your life together and get your act together. Things will fall into place when you've stabilized your emotions and your life.

[Romefalls19]

Work on your own issues, get them sorted out. Sad to say, this won't take a week. It took 6 months for you to get this way, 1 week isn't going to change that.

[Imabadman]

I agree with the others also, clean your own house first.

To address the question that I think you're actually asking, do as your GF asks. Give her space. Don't crowd her, allow her to think at her own pace. You've already smothered her... now allow her time to breathe. When/if she comes back take it slow and try to understand how she feels and what issues you need to address.

[dynocompe]

You have to fix yourself before the relationship can be fixed. Hate to be so cruel. But she doesn't think you can handle the truth, that is why she goes behind your back. She is afraid how you will act because your so possesive and controlling. So unless you change, the relationship can never heal.

[sunsandmoons]

Thanks guys.

Its not even just the possessive thing. Im miserable and she thinks its because she doesn't make me happy anymore. I really need to sort myself out for ME not just for the relationship. I've lost pride in my appearance, Ive pretty much become a recluse, I seem to moan about trivial things all the time like the whole world is dumping on me.

Its not fair for her to be around me like this.

She called me today and said she loves me and is going to give me all the time I need and said she will help me to get out of it. She said she needed this week to step back and take action so to speak, clear her head. She had written out a list and a kind of plan to get me back on my feet. She read out all the points and went into a little detail about each one. She said she's going to come tomorrow and take me to lunch because she wants to see me. I don't think its very fair to rely on her too much though until I sort myself out.

Ive just been having a real tough time since I finished school. I know I won't be happy with myself or in life until I get to do the job/thing Im really good at. I had the opportunity to go to New York to meet with def jam, they were really interested in me. The guys Im working with who organised this all wanted me to move over to the US for 6 months or so. I didn't feel ready at the time and didn't want to leave my family and friends behind or my girlfriend. I blew my chance and turned it down. People said I was crazy. I missed my chance. (this happened 6 months ago) and since then Ive just been completely lost.

The only thing Im good at is making records but the people Im working with don't really bother with me as much anymore since I let them down.

Its funny, even making records doesn't really excite me anymore.

I appreciate my girlfriends help, she could have ran off and left me. I kind of need to do this for myself though.

[sunsandmoons]

Threads merged

So as I stated in my previous post, I am in a rut. Im finally doing something about it. My girlfriend was right to ask for time apart but the situation has turned a little. She is very unhappy with where she is right now at school. She hates living there with the people she lives with, gets very little sleep at night because her flat mates are inconsiderate and this makes her generally feel terrible, add the stress of school work and she's not in a great position. She's actually been feeling really low lately and can't wait to come home for good in May.

We've met up since she asked for the break and kind of got into an argument that the situation wasn't fair on either of us. Other than me getting my act together, she told me she believes some of the blame is on her, she thinks her mood is bringing me down too.

Now she's been crying pretty much every night for hours for the past 2 months and has put me in a really unfair position. She told me about this over a week ago and told me not to tell anybody as she hasn't informed anybody else. I told her to seek help but she claims she wants to do this on her own.

She said we won't be good together until we both fix our problems, which I certainly agree with. She said she'll probably feel in a much better state when she finally comes home and asked me to wait 3 months for her so we could give it another shot.

I initially said yes and we agreed we wouldn't see other people and that she still wanted to keep contact. I asked if we would definitely have a good go at things when she comes home but she says she doesn't know, only if we're better.

I got a little annoyed and thought it was unfair of her to ask me to wait 3 months for her if it wasn't certain we would give it another try. She didn't like that at all and got annoyed at me. She said 3 months is no time to wait and said I obviously have other options otherwise I would wait.

What if I wait 3 months and when she comes home she doesn't want to give it another shot?

I'd follow the rules on here and just cut the contact with her. I suggested that would be a better idea and she said, well if you're going to act like that I don't want you in my life at all.

So basically what she's asking is, I wait 3 months for her, she comes home and may or may not give it another chance.

Is this a fair deal?

I also don't want to cut the contact with her because she's in a vulnerable position and she's put me in a bad position by telling me about her depression but doesn't want me to inform anybody.

I feel like Im in a no win situation.

I asked her a second time over the phone that I can only wait if we're definitely giving it another shot and she said she couldn't say for sure, only if she felt better with herself. She also told me she loved me on the phone.

Can anybody shed any light on this?

Ps, to those who read my previous post. Ive contacted the people who offered me the move to the US and we're working on my options right now. I can initially go for a 3 month period which is a lot better for me than moving perm so yeah, I'll be working on that during this time.

[Newguy2009]

Since she can't Guarantee she wants to give it another shot, one would be led to believe that she will be exploring other options. She is stringing you along and keeping you on the side in case she changes her mind or her new prospects don’t turn out the way she planned. You already know about NC, I suggest you heed to it in this situation. Its not fair for you to wait 3 months just to see if there MIGHT be a chance. That’s false hope. And its not fair to put you in that situation. A girl like that is not deserving of you. I don’t understand why women do this!! It is beyond me.

[Romefalls19]

No it's not fair and No I would not wait 3 months let alone a month for someone to make up their mind on their terms

[amicon]

You don't wait for anyone to make their mind up,not even three days.
Ok,so she is possibly depressed,then she should seek help and try to get it sorted out.

If you are on a break or are broken up, she has no right to lean on you and use your as her shoulder to cry on.

Don't accept the odd crumb she throws you.

Don't allow yourself to stay in this limbo situation. tell her to make up her mind,now.

[sunsandmoons]

Hey guys,

I asked her straight up, don't you want us to see other people and she said no. If we're going to do this, we won't see other people, we wait for each other. She also stressed she doesn't want anybody else, just wants time to work on herself.

She hasn't ever lied about anything in the past so Ive no reason to believe she will be exploring other options and knowing her situation well, I can't see any options at school, she keeps herself to herself and is almost finished and at home, she's here on weekends, on some weekends she'll go out with her friends but the majority of the time she spends them at my house.

She believes I may have other options though when I claimed it wasn't fair for her to keep me waiting. She said to me, if you feel like Im stopping you from going exploring your 'options' do whatever you want. She also suggested in less simple terms, if I loved her I'd wait.

You know what, if she said we would DEFINITELY give it another shot in 3 months when she's home then that is fine with me. Im not in any rush to see anybody else, especially not after being with her about a year and half.

What I feel is unfair is the fact that she said we MAY give it a shot depending upon how she feels.

Again I asked her a second time about this and explained simply. If its only a MAYBE then I don't think its fair for you to ask me to wait. She altered her tone and said, well just go then.

I still like her a lot and I know a lot of this was my fault for ending up the way I did. Of course it wasn't nice for her to spend time around somebody who was sitting around letting their dream slip away from them while presented with the perfect opportunity.

From what she said on the situation, I think she was actually losing respect for me. Of course it would be hard for her to see me move overseas, however she expressed that I had no drive, that I have a gift and Im not doing anything to secure my dream. From that point on she seemed to look at me differently.

Then here we are now. I feel she might be using this unfair proposition to sort of punish me for punishing her.

As it stands, she's contacting me several times everyday and is constantly asking me to call her, the communication is no different to how it was when we were together, yet we're apart.

How do I communicate to her that its only fair for me to wait if there is definitely a chance for us?

Thanks

[talaniman]

You have quite the situation here fella, and while I sympathize, there is no getting around that you have to figure what your priorities are, which from my view, is getting your own act together whether she will be a part of that or not.

Your not going to like this at all but I will say it anyway, DISAPPEAR FROM HER LIFE!! No more talking or keeping in touch. NONE.

This serves three purposes, 1) She can get her own act together without your influence, and 2) you rid yourself of her baggage so you can unpack your own, and finally 3) You both need to stop the emotional tug of war.

Take a day to let it sink in, then tell her you have things to do, and say good bye, and mean it.

You really do need some time away from her dragging you through the mud as the idea of waiting 3 months if you loved her, is selfish, and asinine. If she loved you as she says, you would be working together, to make it work.

That's what committed couples do! Even if it doesn't work, they both still try.

[sunsandmoons]

You have quite the situation here fella, and while I sympathize, there is no getting around that you have to figure what your priorities are, which from my view, is getting your own act together whether or not she will be a part of that or not.

Your not going to like this at all but I will say it anyway, DISAPPEAR FROM HER LIFE!!!! No more talking or keeping in touch. NONE.

This serves three purposes, 1) She can get her own act together without your influence, and 2) you rid yourself of her baggage so you can unpack your own, and finally 3) You both need to stop the emotional tug of war.

Take a day to let it sink in, then tell her you have things to do, and say good bye, and mean it.

You really do need some time away from her dragging you thru the mud as the idea of waiting 3 months if you loved her, is selfish, and asinine. If she loved you as she says, you would be working together, to make it work.

Thats what committed couples do! Even if it doesn't work, they both still try.

I appreciate the advice,

She called me last night, just a general conversation asking about my day. Its as if we were going out, yet we are not. Before she hung up she said, I love you.

I know this is probably unhealthy and I think its largely because of the position Im in but I feel like Im hanging onto her for support, even if she is treating me unfairly.

Like Ive said, if I was going to cut contact and be single, I'm not interested in pursuing anybody else right now I just want to spend some time on myself.

I feel its going to be very hard for me to cut the contact. Right now I have very low self esteem and honestly, I'd rather be treated unfairly than give it up.

Ive just read that sentence back and this is a very sad day for me.

Ive had 2 relationships before where when they went sour, I initiated NO contact and never looked back. I went through with it fully and moved on. Best thing I ever did.

Its not like this is a first love, I just don't feel strong enough this time.

[talaniman]

Take a week or so to be unavailable. Then build on it as your strength, and resolve to do what's right for you will eventually get stronger.

Females (and males) are always trying to figure out what best for them, and what they really want, and she is no different, so leave her alone so she can have a chance to decide if she misses you or not.

If you read some of the other posts here, disappearing is a skill I highly advise you to learn, not just so you can be missed without making a darn fool and a pest of yourself, but to also allow your dignity, and self respect to come back to you.

That's healing 101, and that's my advice. Heal! Then you can think with a clear mind, and do what you need to do.

[amicon]

You don't work on regaining your selfesteem by being somebody's doormat,you move away from that kind of situation and start rebuilding it.

Take time for yourself and find out what you want in life.

[sunsandmoons]

So I called her up tonight and told her what I thought about our situation.

I said we've agreed to wait for each other yet she maintains she is single. I asked what this meant and she said she doesn't want anybody else. I asked, if you meet somebody else will you be unavailable. She said yes but then went on to she is still single and 3 months is a long time so if she was to meet anybody she would let me know. I said that was ludacris asking me to wait while she may meet somebody. She replied she was only stating of what could happen but not what she wants to happen, she claimed again she doesn't want anybody. I asked why she would even bring that up then. She said I was having a go at her again and that I couldn't tell her what to do because we aren't together anymore. When in this did I tell her what to do?

She said I'll just have to trust that she doesn't want anybody else.

I also said I can't wait around since she is uncertain whether she will give us another go when she's home. I told her it was very unfair to ask that of me. She flipped it round on me and said, I never asked you that in the beginning.

Im pretty sure she did, not in those exact words, otherwise why would I come on here posting that question. She does this often, we have a conversation then a week later we'll talk about it and she changes all the details round :-l

I said we're talking everyday as though we were still together, she replied yes because we're friends.

I again said its really unfair that I hang around then if its not certain she won't hold out for me and classes herself single. She started getting hot headed and her tone changed. She said if you're going to be like this I'm just going to cut contact with you and that will be it.

Is she really in a position to be giving me ultimatums?

I stayed calm and said, its selfish what you're doing. She said she loved me on the phone the other night yet tonight she's quite happy to cut contact with me if I don't go along with her terms.

You guys are right, this is all on her terms.

Suppose she doesn't meet anybody and comes home and gives us another go. Fine, but that means Ive gone along with her bull and I'll probably end up resenting her.

Suppose she meets somebody else and lets me know, then that will cause a lot of heart ache.

At the end of the conversation, she said right OK then (as if to say are you still going along with it) I said yeah, just to see what her reaction would be.

Her tone suddenly lightened and she started chatting about some underwear she's told me about before which makes her itch every time she wears them...

What Ive noticed is, as long as Im going along with everything she says, its all gravy. If I go against what she says she always says 'why you having a go at me'

Anway, she said she'd text me later. Whether I reply, Im not bothered anymore. Im leaning on her for emotional support just as much as she is me.

That conversation finally gave me the push I needed to secure my decision.

I was organising with the guys Im working with to come to the US for a 1 month initially but Ive decided Im going to come for a longer period of 6 months. Obviously the guys are over the moon with this.

I literally have nothing keeping me here anymore.

I live in a small town and really have no life here. I have a very small family consisting of my mother and 2 grandparents who even though both are in critical health are rooting for me to go and follow my dreams. I'll be making enough money so a plane ticket home won't be a problem if I need to rush home for anything.

Ive been looking for a perfect moment to go to the US and its finally presented itself. It took me a long time to come to terms with leaving my family behind, they're really relied on me for support over the last few years and although they know it will be difficult without me, nothing will make the 3 of them happier than to see me go. I also had trouble leaving my girlfriend behind but that problem has sorted itself out too.

I feel ready.

Thanks.

[emopunk7]

Good for you man. It seems like she doesn't care too much about you and is def. stringing you along. That sucks but I am sure that you will be okay! Tons and tons of beautiful women in the USA! Anything you can dream as perfect, we have even better! Enjoy. Be positive and don't rely too much on a woman. That's forever a no no. You are the man.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman rule- When you take a break, get somewhere to live on your own, so you can do your thing.

Talaniman Rule-A break has no strings attached, and make sure of that.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- Never wait when you get dumped. Get your own life and let them get theirs

[sunsandmoons]

Thanks guys!

As for the Talaniman rules.

Revoke their relationship privileges?

Is it fair to say that once somebody breaks up with you, they don't care about you anymore?

Even if this isn't true, revoking their privileges feels like a punishment. I understand its mainly to allow yourself time to heal.

Why should they still be allowed to occupy your thoughts right?

It's a funny old thing. I made the classic mistake again in this relationship as I have in the previous, I made her a priority and I ended up an option. Never again!

I think once Im in a happier position with myself, I'll not need to look to a woman to fill that void.

What I have noticed is I always seem to pick a particular type.

Maybe I should move away from that type all together, because I never seem to have very much success with them.

Thanks

[91s10blazer]

Dude I am in the exact spot as you, I graduated high school last year and have become depressed pushing my girlfriend away in the same fashion. There right you need to get out, call everyone you know and drag yourself into having some fun. If it keeps up I would suggest seeing a doctor and taking the webmd depression test. Hope this helps man, keep us posted.