[wannahide]

I have been married for a few years now, and what used to be an attribute of a strong, independent woman, has now turned into me being controlling. I take on most situations, purely because my spouse has not wanted to. I could use some suggestions... I don't want to be controlling, but being a single mom for many years, have been used to making decisions, etc. I try to discuss things with my spouse... its just not going well, and I am not sure if at my age I can change. Thank you

[cdad]

There can be a fine line between taking charge and controlling. Why do you think you have crossed the line?

[donf]

Do not confuse controlling with being in control and responsible.

For example, we will be married for 45 years soon. I have never paid a bill. I have absolutely no interest in the families monies. In fact, all I care about is whether I can purchase the next tool or toy.

My lady stepped up and took over the books very early in our marriage with the understanding that if she was to do the bills she needed access to all the money.

That is perfectly fine with me. I cannot use decimal formatted numbers any more. If the numbers I'm looking at are not Binary, Octal or Hexadecimal, I have no way to translate the number any more. To many years reading computer core dumps and printer datastreams.

It just works for us for the bill and a lot of other stuff.

[Jake2008]

I don't think you're controlling, but I do think a few things are going on here.

You were used to doing it all. Everything. A huge responsibility, and one that you (obviously) did very well.

It would be natural when you married, to think that some of the burden would be shared. At least that some interest, or appreciation would be shown.

Your husband on the other hand, may just be thinking that you are comfortable doing things the way you do. It all gets done, and you don't complain. He may think he would be insulting you if he offered to take over the finances. He might think (I think) that you might think, you weren't doing a good enough job. Maybe better to remain silent.

What you can do, is have a good heart to heart, sit down conversation with him. Think about how you would like to share the load a little more, and be willing to let go of some of the responsibility (control) that you have been so used to. He may not do as good a job, but, let's say he balances the cheque book within $10.00. Not a bad job.

I don't think it has anything to do with your age. It has to do with now being in a partnership, and facing that although his opinions may be different than yours, he should feel comfortable stating them. Change is a good thing, and adapting to change is even better. Give and take.

If on the other hand, doing what you do now makes you feel secure and comfortable, and he isn't complaining, then why rock the boat.

But, if what you really want is to ease off on all the responsibility, I think you are quite capable of that, and he is too probably. Why not set up an hour together every Friday night at the kitchen table. You have all week to think about things that need to be done, and things that need to be discussed and decided on. A little bit of planning might just open up the communication a bit.

[450donn]

I would suggest some professional counseling. I can understand you being a "control freak" if you were alone and had to make the decisions. But you are now married again and need to learn how to share this decision making process. He needs to learn to take charge too. So both of you need help before it boils over into a full blown problem.