[smerfetka]

My boyfriend has been lying to me about many things in his life. Apparently he has been running salsa classes, which he never told me about, as he said he "didn't want me there"; he knew I would be jealous and controlling.
He also started "working" every second weekend, didn't call me as much as before and kept his phone always a big secret. Never answered it in front of me, always on silent mode.
But he always repeated how much he loves me, every time we were together.

One evening I decided to check on his phone, hoping that I am not going to find there anything. Unfortunately I did. I found a text message from his “ex”, telling about how her day was, how much he loves him and wants him now. I was devastated, I confronted him straight away. First he lied that he doesn’t know the number, and then he said she is only a friend.
He left my house mad at me how could I go through his stuff and he took this stuff with him. That day was a nightmare for me; I couldn’t believe what happened, how much he might have been lying to me all that time. I texted him and called him telling what a bastard he is. He said there is no point to talk with mw as I am not going to believe anyway.
Few days later I couldn’t stand the pain and thinking what has been going on. I called him and ask to tell me the whole truth. He said he has been in this relationship all the time, with ups and downs, that when he met me he never thinks of a serious relationship. Then he fell in love and didn’t want to tell me the truth as he didn’t want to hurt me. Apparently he met with her the same day he met me after “his long working day” .I was shocked. I cried and hated him so much.
Few days later he text me that he loves me and misses me a lot. We spoke on the phone and we met to talk. He told me that day that he lied to me telling me that he has been with her all the time, he told me he never cheated, that she is only a friend and he cannot stop her from texting him. But what kind of texts they are?? I cannot believe it. He keeps changing his stories all time. I asked him to call her but he wouldn’t do it. Apparently she knows that he is with me (well, I never heard about her before).

What should I do? Can I trust him? Which story to believe, is it worth it to spend my energy on someone like that? My gut tells me he has cheated and facts tell me he lied so many times. Can a guy like that change for better? He is 38 and I am 27. Please help.

[smerfetka]

Ps. Yesterday was our anniversary, we had so much fun, but I told him I need a break to think. He understands it. He seems to be OK whatever I decide. I am not sure if he cares or not. I am so lost, I am losing ground under me feets, I am losing convidence in myself. IS he just a player? Are players ever honest and serious about relationship?

[amicon]

Go with your gutinstinct.
He lies,cheats and comes across as a complete waste of your time and space.

Time for a reality check and dump him.
You deserve much better.

[smerfetka]

Gut instinct tells me that he is a liar but also tells me that he is a guy that wants love, and want to love. And he deeply can. He is very emotional, passionate. But now everything seems to my like maybe he has been faking it? Can you fake something for such a long time? Why would you do it anyway? I know that he has feelings for me. Maybe if I change myself, be more confident etc. don't press him so much, he can change? I guess he looks for passionate love, but not comitment. But also I think that everyone and some stage in life wants to settle down. IS it possible to work on it or just simply move on. Simply move on however is not that simple for me. I have been really in love.


Am I just being naïve?

[amicon]

He is old enough to know what he is doing and he comes across as an accomplished player.
I'm sorry,but you need to protect your heart and be realistic.

[talaniman]

I think its false hope to think he will change, but its crazy to trust someone you know for a fact has lied to you in the past, and is still lying now.

[I wish]

When I was reading the story, I thought that he was maybe in his early 20s, but then you tell us that he's in his late 30s. There's a reason he hasn't settled down in a serious relationship and continues to keep secrets.

Those are only the secrets that you found out about, I wonder what else he's hiding?

Which story should you believe? None. There's no way to know what the truth is.

Why torture yourself? I'm sure that you can find happiness elsewhere.

[bfolta27]

Yeah, I guess you can find happiness elsewhere. Goodluck.

[smerfetka]

Thank you, but how do I turn things around now. I also did mistake, as I just gave him missed signals accepting a gift for our first anniversary and also agreeing to meet him. He tried his best to make this day goes really nice. It looks like we are back together, although I told him I need a break. I guess he is happy he can do now what he wants (as I said we are having a break), but still seeing me and calling anytime he wants. I made a mistake sending the wrong message. How do I turn it back? I don 't want to end up having this long draining relationship conversation that we went through few days before.

I am acting as everything is back to normal. I actually had an emotional breakdown because of that, as I feel I am not strong enough to express my point of view and wishes how I want things to be. Or maybe it is me being scared of being single again? That is why even if I think I should end it up, I put myself in difficult situation, where I am not only confusing him, but confusing myself.

[amicon]

Tell him you meant it and you want the break.
You are in charge of your life-he isn't.
Remember,he is a liar and you can't trust him.

[I wish]

If you feel that you're too afraid to be single, then that's probably it.

Trust your instincts. You know that it's not going to work, yet you force the issue.

Quit forcing things. Healthy relationships are more natural. Find someone else to have a healthy relationship with.

But before jumping into a new relationship, make sure you've fully recovered from this break up. Being too scared to let him go for fear of being single is not the best reason to stay in the relationship.

[Devorameira]

You’d be smart to move on. He doesn’t sound like anyone trustworthy to me. Think about it - you were hurting and wanted answers and all he did was lie to you. He’s quite the story-teller, but unfortunately all he tells is fiction.

What kind of future can you see with someone you can’t believe or trust? I think you know the answer.

[smerfetka]

Thank you, I know the answer. I just don't know how to put it in practise. I mean, we talk normally now, (I am pretending everything is ok), I feel like I settled down for less. I am not that kind of person who just says what is on my mind. I always think how he is going to feel afterwards, how I am going to feel afterwards. I don't want to sound like a person who is emotionally unstable (but I guess it seems like I am, after what he put me through). Should I just keep it nice and simple? Call him, text him that it is over now? Meet him again to talk? What is the best way? Should I stick to NC afterwards? I am sure this is all going to be a mightmare for me.

[talaniman]

As hard as it will be, you stop ALL contact with him whatsoever, and that's forever!

I won't lie, this will be the absolute hardest thing you have ever done, but the rewards and life lessons you will take from it will be invaluable to your future. I guarantee it!

Also read the stickies at the beginning of this forum. There is a link in my signature.

[smerfetka]

I was trying to do NC after we broke up. He lied to me and possibly cheated (I have no prove apart from a text message from a girl expressing her feelings of love and desire to him). He came over to talk, as it was so difficult for me to do NC. I was determined to be strong and not let him change my mind, but after long talk he stayed over and we made love. I feel really bad. Did he just used me, as he know I do have feelings for him, or does he still care? I am so lost. He calls everyday and say we should try again. He said I was always too controlling and I created the whole issues. I am thinking (it may sound sad) of giving him a second chance, but be distanced and more reserved, observe before I will actually commit myself. Do you think I could give it a try? How can I also convince my friends (who hate him now after what he did), that things can still work out? If they are real friends they should really respect me decision, right?

[amicon]

I think your friends care and don't want to see you hurt.
It seems he came over and did the friends with benefits thing.

Nothing has changed,all your doubts are still there and 'you feel bad'.

Proper NC would have put a stop to your doubts and this recent addition to your misery.
Reread the advice you were given in your first thread.
Nothing has changed, I still think you should let this go and move on with your life.

[talaniman]

Your real friends are concerned, and think your making a wrong decision, by letting this liar back in your life.

I have to agree from what you have written.

You only have yourself to blame now for letting him back in your life.

Thats why your threads were merged for the whole story.

[smerfetka]

I felt my boyfriend is acting distant recently, doesn't call me as often as he did, is not spontanious as he used to be too. We spend time together but most of it is dedicated to sex, and we also have other passion, which is dancing, so we go out dancing together. For a longer time he doesn't take me out as he used to... I feel like I am not so important any more. He cancelled our meeting yesterday as he was tired after work, but we are meeting today. He called me like 10 min ago and I acted very unhappy, telling him that I feel he doesn't really love me anymore and doesn't care as he used to... I feel like I have already spoiled this evening... I feel like I am too obsessed... but also feel somehow I have reasons to be worried... What should I do?

[talaniman]

You go NO CONTACT, and stick to it. If you can't then your misery will continue.

He knows your weak for him and has total control of you. No matter what you say to him, he brushes it aside and takes you to bed and your hooked.

Break his control, by strict No Contact whatsoever, and forever, or be his love slave until he tires of you.

[Devorameira]

You need to move on. You know that breaking up with him is the right thing to do, so why do you let him con you into staying with him? He's using and abusing you.

He's not any type of man to have a long term monogamous relationship with - he's a cheat and liar. All he's doing is using you for the sex, while he's sleeping with other women too. If you keep allowing him in your bed, he'll probably bring you a present of an STD sooner or later.

Put yourself first for once in your life - you deserve much much better!