[smichael]

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 3 ½ years now. About two years ago I started to suspect that she was cheating on me or involved with some else, but wasn’t sure if I was just being insecure or I was correct. I started to ask her about it, and she always told me I was just thinking too much or being insecure. On Valentine’s day of 2008, I heard a strange noise and asked what it was, she said she didn’t know. After looking around for a while, I found that she had a second cell phone, which she immediately grabbed and threw out the window. I broke up with her for a while, but she constantly denied that she had done anything wrong, she just said she was talking to her old boyfriend because she was with him for 7 years prior to me, and he was her best friend, and she had the second cell phone because she knew I would be jealous. I have to admit that I was always jelous, but I think that's because inside I knew she was hiding something from me. I also saw some messages on her normal cell phone from someone at school that ended in Miss U, Kiss Kiss, but she explained it as a message that one of her girlfriends copied and resent to the entire phone book for valentine’s day (it did come from a girls phone). Eventually I got up the courage and looked up her old boyfriends MSN and spoke with him, I expected him to tell me to go to H*&%, but instead he was genuinely nice, and he confirmed that she had seen him when he was visiting (he lives in Japan now), and he had slept with her. Aparently, she was lying to him about me as well, and told him that she wasn't living with me. After this I confronted her, and she finally admitted it, but told me she didn’t think I cared about her or loved her, and she made a mistake, and she realized how much she loved me and she would do anything to have another chance.

Anyway, to make a long story short after a few months, she begged me to give her another chance, and I did. I told her that I wanted her to change her school schedule (she was studying for a MBA) if we tried again, because I was insecure about the message she received, and she said she wouldn’t go to school anymore. I also put some software on her phone so I could see who she was calling and texting. I know this is absolutely ridiculous, and I know that it makes no sense whatsoever, but when she is crying and begging, and telling me she loves me, my judgment just gets clouded and logic doesn’t prevail. We were back together for almost a year, but I never trusted her at all. She basically didn’t go anywhere without me, stopped going to school, and I monitored her phone with this crazy software I put on it, but I still didn’t trust her. I always thought she was hiding stuff from me. In fact she was hiding non important stuff from me, like she would put a girlfriends name in her phone under a different name, because she knew I didn’t like her, etc. I am pretty confident she didn’t cheat on me again though, because she really didn’t have any opportunity to (as ridiculous as that sounds). About a month ago I broke up with her again, because I know she was unhappy with me controlling everything she did, and I was unhappy being with someone that I didn’t trust at all. Now she’s calling me again all the time, telling me that she loves me, she can’t live without me, and that she changed everything for me, quit school, etc. and to please give her another chance. I do love her, and I do miss her, but I know that neither of us have been happy for the past year. I mean sometimes we are happy, but not really happy most of the time. She feels like a prisoner I’m sure, and I feel like if I don’t check on her all the time, or constantly have an eye on her that she’ll cheat on me again. She tells me that I should fix the way I think, and that it’s in my head and to please give her another chance, and she will do anything. I’m confused and I know I shouldn’t be. Can I ever trust her again, should I ever trust her again? She did quit school for me, etc. But can this ever turn into a healthy relationship.

[amicon]

Software on the mobile phone?
If anyone tried that with me I'd be not the door and never look back!

Your relationship was toxic -she cheats,you act the controlfreak-no way would that work.

I suggest you do some serious work on your own issues-jealousy and controlling manipulative behaviour.
Not for her,but for yourself so that you can have decent relationships in the future.

[smichael]

Yeah I agree with you, but please understand that I was never like that before I caught her lying and cheating on me. When I got back together with her, I never knew how I would know the truth or wheter she was lying, because she perpetuated such long and caculated stories and lies to both me an her ex boyfriend. I guess the answer is that if I can't trust her without spying on her then I shouldn't be with her? But am I the one that is wrong here? Should have I been able to forget and trust again, and not always have questions in the back of my head. She lied for monhts, and she even went to a wedding with her ex boyfriend when we first started dating, that I learned about after speaking to him.

[emopunk7]

If you want to be with her then you have to trust her 100 percent. If you can't then the relationship must end!

[LJDK]

Why are you with this girl? Seriously, the 4 letter word love no longer comes into play when someone cheats. But there is 1 exception, different story...

Why did you take her back? Were you scared of being alone? The fear of starting something new?

Did you not notice those other girls walking around on earth? Did you forget how good it feels to go on a 1st date? How good it feels to have that 1st new relationship sex being rebound or serious?

I have made the same mistake of taking such a girl back... but like I said "mistake"

[smichael]

Is it even possible to trust someone 100% after they lie to you like that and sleep with an ex and basically tell extremely complex and detailed lies to both of you for several months until caught. I guess I wan't to know if I am wrong for not trusting her, and if I should do something different. I don't know how to make my mind forget and believe what she tells me now, knowing that she was capable of lying so freely and for so long. Am I wrong for not trusing her, and should I be trying out a way to fix myself, or is it natural, and once something like this happens I should move on. She makes me feel as if I should change my brain, and forget everything that happened, and I really don't know how to do that?

[smichael]

I think the reason why I took her back and this keeps going through my head is, yes that I'm afraid of being alone, and I'm lonely without her. I don't like to go out and party and drink, so it's difficult for me to meet someone (I know that's a silly reason), but also, whenever I try to end it, she keeps calling, and showing up, crying, and begging me to give her another chance. I'm okay, and somewhat happy, lonely but happy when she's not around, but I get weak when she keeps pushing.

She sometimes is passive, and sometimes aggressive, sometimes angry, and sometimes is so nice. It's almost like she knows exactly how to push my buttons and ge me back involved. I can tell you that when I'm with her, I truly am not happey, and truly feel like I'm being manipulated (I don't know if it's just in my head or reality), and when I'm not with her my mind can rest, and I feel somewhat relief, but then when she calls me and begs, I feel guilty and as if maybe I'm making a mistake and losing someone that truly does love me. After all, why would she try so hard if she didn't really love me.

[LJDK]

It sucks to be or feel alone. Especially after a break up. You would be a much better man than most men, if you can actually learn to trust this girl again.

I will not be able to. I cannot answer why she tries so hard, most likely because she wants what she can't have... and that is you.

Join a club of some sorts... meet new people. Considering she lied to you and cheated... I do not think it would be wrong to keep her on the side while meeting someone new.

I am not saying to cheat... simply look for a new friend with the potential of something more.

Or... forgive and forget, trust her fully again... give her freedom back, let her go back to school and go on with your lives but make sure the honesty and communication does not close up again.

Its your call dude. Mediate on it.
Do a breathing excersize, then ask the questions you need to ask... and think about them without outside influence.

[Romefalls19]

This relationship is well passed over. You don't trust her, she is like a prisoner in her life. It's time you sever the ties and just go your own ways. Re read your own posts and tell me if that doesn't sound just sickening with how much effort of controlling her life you are going through. If a girl wants to cheat, she will find a way.

[mistyjane]

This girl is acting like a child. She plays. You're just a toy to her.She changed you: from a self confident man to a jealous and controlling fool.
It wasn't your fault at the beginning but now you want more?
It's OK to make a mistake, just don't make it twice.

[talaniman]

But can this ever turn into a healthy relationship.

No way!! You have to have TWO healthy adults to have a healthy adult relationship. That's not the case here at all

To many personal issues, and your not going to solve them together. That's obvious.

Don't worry, you both will be tired of one another, and then the healing can begin when you can't stand each other any longer.

Then you both will be forced to deal with your issues, or find others to enable your immaturity.

[smichael]

Thanks for all of your feedback. I appreciate it, and I know what I need to do. It's just difficult sometimes, almost like a drug addict or something, but it really helps to write everything out, and read how ridiculous it really is. All of your feedback helps bring clarity to the obvious as well. Thanks again.