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Cat1864 · Jan 12, 2010, 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

. Another thing that sucks is that where I live is the area I lived with her for the past 5 years. Every day I see the places where we shared our first moments together, every day I drive past the place where we had our first date, every day I see the places where we shared moments together and the hurt keeps coming back. I can't move right now, so I am basically stuck seeing these places. It's hard.

Can you take a different route or get a group of friends together and create new memories for those places? Unfortunately, letting go of memories takes a longer than it does to make them.

Going back to school for your Masters sounds like it would definitely take up time and keep your mind busy.

I hope you have a great ski trip. You will have to let us know how it went. :)

Cristoforo · Jan 12, 2010, 10:38 AM

Thanks. I'll let you know how it went for sure. I am going to visit a friend out in Colorado. Never been there before so I am looking forward to the beautiful views of the mountains and skiing some great terrain. I think getting away from all this and taking a short vacation will clear my mind and maybe bring some happiness.

Unfortunately, I have been partaking in drinking more than usual. I know its bad. But I have somewhat of a destructive personality when things aren't going well. I've been getting drunk almost every night, and if not drunk, I've gone back to smoking marijuana again. I feel like when I am not sober, the pain is numbed somewhat.

I know this is the wrong approach to be taking, but I just can't stop myself. I don't consider myself an alcoholic but perhaps I should consider going to an AA meeting?

amicon · Jan 12, 2010, 10:53 AM

That sounds like a good idea-the relief various substances bring is only temporary and is a slippery slope to depression.

Go to a meeting and talk to people,you'll feel better for it.

Cat1864 · Jan 12, 2010, 11:25 AM

The AA meeting would be a good idea. I am glad that you are willing to recognize that you are on a self-destructive path and to get help and support. You know that we are here for you, too, but sometimes the physical presence of others can be a bigger help.

Enjoy the new place and sights and seeing your friend.

Take care of yourself. :)

Cristoforo · Jan 12, 2010, 11:34 AM

Yes, the physical presence of others is such a blessing. I've made sure these past couple of weekends and this weekend to make plans to go out with friends. When you are having fun with friends, it really makes you happy and takes your mind off everything, but its when that is over and the friends leave, and you are all by yourself, that you feel miserable again. The happiness of being with friends was just temporary and now you're back to feeling sad and lonely.

amicon · Jan 12, 2010, 11:44 AM

You have to believe that those feelings will change.
Because they will.

Cat1864 · Jan 12, 2010, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

The happiness of being with friends was just temporary and now you're back to feeling sad and lonely.

This is where self-control comes in. Changing the focus from being lonely to finding something more positive. Helping others with their problems can help you get your mind off your own. It also helps to know that you aren't alone.

Have you checked out more of AMHD? The Humor section can be fun not just to read the jokes posted but the responses. It can help redirect those destructive thoughts.

Cristoforo · Jan 14, 2010, 07:19 PM

After much thought and reflection, I've come to the realization that the reason she isn't talking to me right now, the reason why she wants nothing to do with me and won't let me see her or even talk to her to say goodbye is not because she hates me and no longer loves me like I originally thought.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is quite the opposite. I believe she still loves me and still cares about me. After 5 years, I can't just turn my feelings off like a light, and I assume that she can't either. Like my wounds, her wounds are still fresh.

She is going through the same pain that I am, if not even worse pain. She put the past behind her and let me back into her heart and I betrayed her with my lie. She is definitely not taking this easy.

I was selfish to only focus on the pain I was going through without even considering her situation. I was playing the victim, the dumpee complaining about his girl leaving him and about how hurt he is.

She wants nothing to do with me and won't speak to me because she is protecting herself. She knows what will happen if she lets me in her life right now. After she initially ended things last April, she continued to contact me and we stayed in each others lives, and all that led to what a rocky road of hurt and back and forth, finally ending in reconciliation that was crushed by my actions. She does not want the same thing to happen again. She knows she needs to be away from me right now in order to heal from this and move on, just like I need to do.

And I don't blame her one bit. I finally understand that our breakup isn't only affecting me, its affecting her as well, and it might even be affecting her worse than me. I know she has not forgotten about me. I know she still probably thinks about me from time to time and that she truly does care about me, but she needs to protect herself more than ever now. Not talking to me and ignoring me, and moving to Hawaii is the perfect way for her to do that.

I finally put myself in her shoes and thought about what she is going through and I now finally understand it all. I know now that NC is the only way for both of us to heal from these wounds. Maybe some day down the road, when we are both healed, we can try to connect on a friendly level to see how we each are doing. But I believe that will not be happening for a while, as this healing process might take a while, not just for me, but for her too.

Cat1864 · Jan 14, 2010, 07:34 PM

CP, that sounds like you are really trying to heal by looking at the full stage instead of just where the spot light is shining.

I hope you do understand both her and yourself. :)

Cristoforo · Jan 14, 2010, 09:31 PM

Thank you. I suppose it is better to look at the entire play instead of just one scene. I really feel awful for hurting her and I can only imagine that she is having a difficult time dealing with this as well.

Cat1864 · Jan 14, 2010, 09:41 PM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

Thank you. I suppose it is better to look at the entire play instead of just one scene. I really feel awful for hurting her and I can only imagine that she is having a difficult time dealing with this as well.

All you can really do is accept it and make sure it doesn't happen in the future with someone else. She has to deal with her own issues.

It's one of those life lessons. :(

Accept. Deal. Thow away the baggage. Heal. Move on. I know easy to write; hard to live.

Have you tried an AA meeting yet?

westy08 · Jan 14, 2010, 10:33 PM

You sir, screwed up... what's done is done, don't try to fix it because she is always going to have those same thoughts that you said to her in her head... and she will always think of you as that

Cristoforo · Jan 15, 2010, 07:05 AM

What thoughts will she always have in her head?

Cat1864 · Jan 15, 2010, 09:39 AM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

What thoughts will she always have in her head?

I don't think westy08 read the whole thread and probably used a word(s) that the censor program deleted.

Don't let concern about what she may or may not be think get you off track. Remember, no stale coffee. :)

Cristoforo · Jan 15, 2010, 11:32 AM

Is it OK to cry? I'm supposed to be handling this like a man, but I can't hold back the tears. I break down at least twice a day.

amicon · Jan 15, 2010, 11:46 AM

Of course it's OK to cry-at this stage I'd say it's what you need,so don't feel bad about that.
There's no point in bottling up your emotions.

Cat1864 · Jan 15, 2010, 12:19 PM

Yes, you are in mourning for the relationship. It is much better than trying to numb it with 'self-medications'.

Cristoforo · Jan 19, 2010, 08:14 AM

The last couple of days have been rough. All I can do is keep thinking of her. I look at pictures of her and how beautiful she is and think I'll never find someone as sweet and beautiful as her. It's really depressing. I don't even know if she has moved yet but I just want to send her an email and tell her good luck and that I am sorry for what I put her though and that I will always love her and never forget our time together. It know that means I break NC, but I just don't think I'm strong enough to keep NC going. I know I probably won't get a response from her, but for some reason, I just want her to know one more time how sorry I am and how remorseful I am for what I did.

Cat1864 · Jan 19, 2010, 09:03 AM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

The last couple of days have been rough. All I can do is keep thinking of her. I look at pictures of her and how beautiful she is and think I'll never find someone as sweet and beautiful as her. It's really depressing. I don't even know if she has moved yet but I just want to send her an email and tell her good luck and that I am sorry for what I put her though and that I will always love her and never forget our time together. It know that means I break NC, but I just don't think I'm strong enough to keep NC going. I know I probably won't get a response from her, but for some reason, I just want her to know one more time how sorry I am and how remorseful I am for what I did.

Stop looking at pictures. Stop torturing yourself. DO NOT SEND HER AN EMAIL. It would only keep both of you hurting even longer.

You have told her how you feel. IF you keep saying it over and over again, it looks like all you care about is how you feel and making her feel like dirt because she is attempting to move on. I know that isn't what you want to do. It is another way it could be perceived, though.

Keep up the NC. Get your head out of the 'photograph album'.

Cristoforo · Jan 19, 2010, 09:22 AM

So sending an email would really make her feel like dirt? I feel like I didn't apologize enough and I never wished her good luck. I just wanted to say that I hope her move goes well and that her time there is the happiest of her life. I'm not expecting a response at all. After the email I would disappear and go strict NC.