[Cristoforo]

I know I can't change what she believes, but I just think, in my opinion, its kind of ridiculous for that to be a dealbreaker if you really love someone and want to spend your life with them. Cheating, without question, that's a deal breaker. If she had slept with guys while we were broken up, would I be hurt? Yes, at first. But I would be able to get over it if I knew she wanted to make it work and wanted to spend her life with me. My love for her would overshadow the temporary hurt of her sleeping with someone else. She told me she had made out with some guys during our breakup, and I told her I had made out with some girls. She didn't care about that. But it was me having sex with one person that made her so upset.

I'm just saying if you really really love someone and want to be with them forever... sleeping with one person during a BREAKUP shouldn't be a dealbreaker. But that is just my opinion and I can't change how she feels. Who knows though, she is upset about me sleeping with someone, but I'll never truly know if she would have been able to get over that and stay with me because I didn't tell the truth when she asked. Man, that what if scenario just keeps haunting me. What if I had told the from the beginning? I'll never know.

[Cristoforo]

Feeling sad today. My ex's move to Hawaii next week has been confirmed. I saw photos one of her friends posted on Facebook of her going away party and it made me really sad. I called her and left her a heartfelt message about how I will never forget our 5 years together and how I will always care about her. I told her how she would always be special to me because she was the first person I ever really loved. I asked if I could see her and the dog one last time before she moved to say goodbye or if she didn't want to see me, if she could call me back and I could talk to her for a little bit and say goodbye.

Hours passed and I got no response so I texted her asking if she got my message and if we could talk before she moved. She just texted back saying "I don't think so". So I sent her back a text saying that I know she is hurt and that I wish she would realize how sorry I am for hurting her but that it was a shame that after 5 years together and all the time spent together, and after she repeatedly told me she wanted me in her life one way or the other, she won't even give me 2 minutes to say goodbye and wish her well.

I also said that her hating me for the rest of her life won't accomplish anything and that I hope she can one day forgive me and see that there are some positives that came from our time together. About 20 minutes later my phone rang and it was her, but I was just too upset so I didn't answer.

It was probably stupid to contact her, but I just really want to say goodbye to her. I thought I was getting better, but now I am back to square one. I guess I can't understand why she won't give me even two minutes to speak to her.

Sorry, just venting.

[emopunk7]

She did call... call her back and get your closure and be done with it man..

[Cristoforo]

Don't know if I want to call back. The more I think of it, the more I just think saying goodbye will hurt me even more. I don't even know what it will accomplish. It will probably make me more sad and just set me back even further. I just can't get over the fact that she hates me so much she won't even let me speak to her or see her. I know I can't make her feel a certain way, but I just wish that she could realize how much time we spent together and that even though things didn't work out, there were some positives that came from our time together. I'm just wishing I could get inside her head and find out if she still thinks of me, if she misses me, and if this is just as hard as it is for me. To think someone can switch off their feelings from a 5 year relationship like a light hurts me even more, and that is what it feels like she has done. Although, maybe she is very hurt, maybe she still does have feelings for me, but she has to protect herself from getting hurt, and I guess this is the way she is doing it and I have to accept that.

I'm such an idiot for sleeping with someone else during the breakup, and even more of an idiot for lying about it. I wish I had never given into temptation as a single guy and I wouldn't be in this situation right now and we would be moving to Hawaii together. You live, you learn. Thank God I am going back to see a therapist tomorrow, I really have a lot to talk about.

[amicon]

I wouldn't call her,it would set you back,as you said.
Nobody can get inside her head,but I would assume she's hurting and has chosen her way of dealing with her pain.
Yes,we live and learn and eventually we heal from the pain of a breakup.
Good luck with your therapist tomorrow.

[Cristoforo]

Thank you. I just pray and hope the healing process isn't super long. For some reason, I feel like its going to take me a LONG time to get over this.

[amicon]

Impossible to tell how long it'll take,but actively working on your healing certainly helps.

Making your mind up that you are willing to heal makes all the difference.

[Imabadman]

The way you're approaching the so called "healing" you're in for LOOOONGGG road ahead.

[Cristoforo]

And what way is that? Could you please let me know what I should do to heal better than I am? I am really lost because I am still in denial and in so much pain. I feel like healing is impossible.

[UnluckyDucky]

I know it may seem difficult to believe, but there will be a day down that road where you'll be over this. Being lost, in denial, in so much pain... it's natural to feel that way for someone who's gone through what you have.

Sometimes you just need to trust those who have been through that same pain, that same sense of loss. Many of us here are living proof that there is life beyond the present. You're not alone but also you have to be willing to listen to everyone here and try to benefit from this experience - their advice can lessen your pain and allow you to heal faster. Read the stickies if you have not already - many, including myself, have learned by gleaning over these bits of wisdom. Get busy with your life - start acting like you have a life outside of what was your relationship with this girl. Start working out/exercising if you have not already. Find something you've been interested in trying out but never had the time to. There are tons of things you can do.

The road ahead of you is only as long as you make it for yourself. Work on yourself and believe in the healing process and you'll be rewarded. Good luck. :)

[emopunk7]

First of all, you have to workout... its like a must and not a mini workout... I mean all out workout... I didn't have the greatest body but just after two months with crazy workouts I've seen a big difference. I'm actually going again to the gym tonight. Find a 24 hour gym or whatever is convenient to you. Staying home working out is usually not consistent as its easy to give up - for me at least. Then learn to play an instrument... that would be sweet! I play drums and am in a rock band so I stay busy and I have practice on Wednesday. I know I will be bored on Saturday so I am planning a football/poker party n having 9 people over to watch the Colts play! I love Peyton Manning!! Find things to look forward to.

[emopunk7]

We had just moved into together and we weren't really getting along, and I didn't like the way she was treating me after we moved in and were trying to get the house organized. For some reason I started to think about all the things I didn't like about her and how she started negative behavior like her mother. I just started to get scared.

You can't ignore these issues... This is simply proof that this is for the best! Accept it... Hawaii is all beautiful which you probably have in your mind. They just have beautiful views by the beach... Surely she won't be there every day. Don't think about it too much. I personally dream of going to Hawaii and won't die till I go there! I can't wait!! But its for vacation purposes so it will be everything I dream of and more... I just need a lot of money because I want no limits out there!!
There's so much to live for! Open your eyes! Take one day at a time. I know its hard. Some points of the day I struggle as well. Some things are just not meant to be.

[Yosomoton213]

It doesn't seem like your relationship was that great anyway. You were depressed before, and granted, that may have been your problem alone, but it sounded like you didn't like the position that you were in, and now you are looking through the lens of revised history.

You're going to have to acknowledge that you made mistakes in the relationship, and accept them. The both of you seemed like you didn't communicate effectively at all, you telling the girl (who you are now trying to get back desperately) that you didn't want to marry her and were pushed into proposing to her.

There had to have been a reason for you to say that. That's definitely not something you say in the heat-of-the-moment situation to a girl that you're engaged to get married to. I had to deal with the same thing, only with the girl who was unsure of progressing with the relationship. I tortured myself for awhile over this, but enough is enough.

She doesn't know what to believe, and she's backing out. Honestly, I don't think you know what you really want either. Please, take a good look at your past together, the arguments, and the feelings you had prior to breaking up. Then, imagine your whole like like that. Chances are, it isn't pretty.

Bottom line: She's decided to move far, far away. It is a clear message that she doesn't want anything to do with you. The best thing you can do is just accept the situation, accept your shortcomings, vow to do better next time, and leave it.

[Yosomoton213]

The girl also doesn't seem to be leading you on purposely like I have known some others to do. She just wants her dog taken care of and to have some space to sort out feelings for herself. She's not calling you up and giving you false hopes by saying "maybe we'll get together in the future". Or she's not trying to call you to go out on lunch dates like my ex did, and try to string you along. She's moving to Hawaii, and for all intents and purposes, is done with you, probably forever. You can see that as a blessing and a curse. She won't be trying to get back together with you as a rebound (most likely), and won't try to be your friend and meddle with your head. I think she's being fairly mature about all of this. I think you should respect her space and her wish, and leave her alone unless she contacts you.

[Cristoforo]

It's so hard because all I do is think about her, all I do is think about every good moment we had and completely block out any bad moment. All I do is think about what our life together would be like. All I do is think about how I had her back and then completely blew it again. She is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I wake up with the most empty of feelings in my stomach and throughout the day it doesn't really get any better. I barely have an appetite and just feel like I want to die. How do I stop thinking about her and wondering what she is doing and what she is thinking every minute of the day? When will this tortuous cycle of thoughts end?

[Imabadman]

And what way is that? Could you please let me know what I should do to heal better than I am? I am really lost because I am still in denial and in so much pain. I feel like healing is impossible.

Cristoforo I realize you hurt. But your making mistakes, a lot of mistakes. You ask for advice, we give it, you do your own thing. And that's fine... but then you whine when it backfires or doesn't bring about the result you expect. Yes each situation is different... generally just the names of the people. I hear that and it's usually a cop out to do their own thing.

As pointed out above MANY of us have been through the same situation. We're trying to share our experiences with you so you don't make the same mistakes. Now you have free will to do as you please but when someone indicates it's not a good idea to text, send emails, phone, phone her parents, send flowers, etc... it's probably a good bit of advice. Listen to it, actually think about what is being told to you, it's meant for your sanity and well being.

Right now your relationship is OVER. Say it, OVER. You need to accept that and let her go. Again, this is told to you for your sanity and well being. This will help you to heal.

[Cristoforo]

I know it's over, but I can't help still having feelings for her and caring about her and wanting to talk to her. The wounds are still fresh. I'm sure she will never want to be with me again, but I can't help but still miss her and wish we could talk or see each other. But I am going to let it go, go NC and focus on myself. It's just hard when you are constantly thinking about them and only thinking about the happiest of times. It makes you wish you could turn back time and do everything different.

[amicon]

We've all been there,and it will change, with time for you,too, you will start feeling better and one day you'll be over her.

You do need to keep busy though.
Get out and do things-see friends,even if you feel as if you have to force yourself.

[Cat1864]

Christo, you need to stop reacting to the future and start living in the present.

Don't worry about whether you ever see her again or how she will feel twenty years from now.

Yes, you miss her. That is extremely normal and natural. It will also fade with time if you allow it to. That is where self-control comes in. When those thoughts and feelings come up re-direct them to something else. It can be anything from baseball stats to how the universe was formed. Just pick something that is completely opposite of where the thoughts were wandering on their own.

Have you put up/given back/thrown out anything of hers that you have left? Putting away things that bring up strong memories can help keep them from popping up all the time. Redecorating can help. Just moving furniture and items around can help change the thought patterns.

Get out and rebuild your life in your image. Find things to do that you wouldn't have done with her or that you didn't have time to do when you were with her. Just stay away from alcohol. The temptation to over-indulge is way to easy to give in to and it doesn't help the situation. Continuing Education classes and community based classes can be great places to learn something and meet new people who have the same interests you do. Getting involved in your community through volunteer work can do wonders to keep your mind and body busy as well as building up your self-esteem.

Give yourself time and patience. Be understanding with yourself. Negative times will occur. Don't dwell on them. Turn around to something positive. You are going to trip. Just keep picking yourself up and moving forward. It will get better if you believe it will.

[Cristoforo]

Yeah, I am trying to keep myself busy and to take my mind off her. I go to the gym a lot and work out which makes me feel a lot better. I'm going on a ski trip next weekend. I'm making sure I hang out with friends whenever I can. I'm seriously considering going back to school to get my Masters degree. All that helps. It just sucks when you are all alone with your thoughts. Another thing that sucks is that where I live is the area I lived with her for the past 5 years. Every day I see the places where we shared our first moments together, every day I drive past the place where we had our first date, every day I see the places where we shared moments together and the hurt keeps coming back. I can't move right now, so I am basically stuck seeing these places. It's hard.