[wolfden2]

Hello,
Never done this but I'm at my wits end and I need something to change. I've been married for 10 yrs now. We have 2 boys (4-8). I feel the relationship we have is just dying and I am numb to everything except my boys. I love my spouse, I truly do but not the way I use to. It's more like a very close friendship anymore. Over the years the time they would have to spend with family had been taken by other activities and I feel like we're constantly on the backburner. Church and the involvement therein has taken most of any extra time we could have as well as very poor time management. That's the one thing I thought that might change a bit when I was dx with luekemia. I even tried taking more of an active interest with the music protion of the church but I just didn't enjoy doing it. Bible study is something I am trying now but I feel it's not something I'm doing for the right reasons.
Anyway... I went from working full time to now staying home. They went from working part time to working full time and it was only because had to push them to do it. Financially we were heading south and it didn't seem to register that the only obvious action was for them to start working a full time job. It was a big adjustment for both of us as we did have "other" plans (me to work... them to stay home) but life changes and you just do the best you can. So because of my illness I am always home and I take care of the house as well as our boys the best I can, even though I suffer from various side affects from treatment (which is going well) so my days constantly fluctuate. Constant fatigue is the worst and if you haven't experienced it, well, it's just hard to make people really understand how debilitating it can really be. Fighting to stay alert and awake all day is tiring in itself. The good thing is I've always stayed in shape and still try to keep control of what I can. I think to myself that sometimes because I do push myself so hard that everyone sees me do all that I did before so I must be "ok". I do this by ingnoring how I truly feel and carry on with what needs to be done. I hate feeling "limited" so I won't or at least I try not to be limited. Overall though, I feel completely unappreciated, neglected and honestly it seems like I just "exist". My feelings like I say are numb as oppose to being resentful before. As weird as it sounds for me to even say this I just want to be taken care of sometimes too and I hardly feel that's important to the other person... or at least not as important as it should be. Any form of intimacey is pretty much nonexistant. I am usually the instigator when it comes to anything sexual. Hugs and kisses don't feel like anything to me anymore although I think they still feel something for them. I've also thought maybe this is all in my head since I've been sick. All I know is I wanted someone in my life that would be there for me as much as I am there for them. I have thought about divorce but I can't imagine how my boys would deal with that or how living arrangements would be afterwards since I'm on permanent disability. I kind of feel stuck but then again... I really don't feel I need much. The ability to spend time with the kids is plenty as long as I have a place to call home nearby. It's all just so overwhelming so this is why I'm sharing this... My next step is setting up a session to talk to someone and see what they can tell me.
There's probably so much more to add but at this time I'm surprised I can think of this much! Thanks for reading this and I appreciate any suggestions...

[JudyKayTee]

Have you talked to your husband and expressed yourself in the detail and with the eloquence you have used here?

[Noddy40]

My best advice to you sweetness would be to talk to your hubby about how you feel as this is both your lives if things are effecting you both.Maybe start by asking him how he is and coping with your illness and then let him know how you are feeling on everything.A good man and marriage are worth fighting for, sometimes we just need a nudge from someone to start talking.You sound like an amazing women who trully loves her family.Take care and good luck :-)

[Noddy40]

Just be as honest as you are on here if you find it difficult to talk to your hubby why not write to him.

[wolfden2]

Have you talked to your husband and expressed yourself in the detail and with the eloquence you have used here?

..

[wolfden2]

Have you talked to your husband and expressed yourself in the detail and with the eloquence you have used here?

Still trying to figure the site out as to how to navigate but anyway... I should have made it clearer in my original post... This is my wife that I am speaking of... so I apologize for the confusion... thanks for the input so far though...

[wolfden2]

my best advice to you sweetness would be to talk to your hubby about how you feel as this is both your lives if things are effecting you both.Maybe start by asking him how he is and coping with your illness and then let him know how you are feeling on everything.A good man and marriage are worth fighting for, sometimes we just need a nudge from someone to start talking.You sound like an amazing women who trully loves her family.Take care and good luck :-)

Well this is becoming embarrassing... I didn't mean to be misleading in this however I guess in a way I thought I had mentioned it was me (the husband) in there somewhere but after looking back, sure enough I hadn't. But oh well...

[Noddy40]

Well hello Husband I will give you the same advice talk to your wife or write her a heartfelt letter if that would be a lot easier to express your feelings to her.As I wife, mother and Women I appreciate honesty if you have expressed your concerns to your wife and nothing changes, maybe marriage conciling would help you both separetly and together.I wish you all the luck in the world.Just decide what is right for you and your future and if you want your wife to be apart of it.

[Noddy40]

Oh yes might not be a good idea yet to mention you have posted this to your wife as it could backfire instead of helping you to deal with your problems... just a little advice :-)

[EmoPrincess]

As the kid of parents who have a dead relationship, you need to do something about it. Separate maybe? Conciling? I may be a teenage girl but I know how it feels to be stuck in the ruins of a broken family. Think of it from your kids perspective. If they continue to see your relationship in the slump it is, they will form incorrect ideas about what a relationship is how marriages work. Sometimes things don't work out is a better lesson than marriage doesn't require full effort on both parts

[sandalwood7]

It is important to sort out your relationship problems or leave, because this will have a alsting detrimental effect on your kidsif they are around this unpleasantness. You not only have a responsibility to yourself to sort things out, but also to your wife and to your kids.

Have you tried talking to your wife about how you feel?

How is your health right now? If you need support, right now might not be the best time to make an extreme decision...

[sandalwood7]

One more thing... It you are tired and fatigued and unwell, it can really have an effect on your mood, and how you perceive things in your life. It may be that you do have problemsin your marriage, but your perception of them might also be somewhat clouded by your current state of poor health and fatigue. Just a thought...

[EmoPrincess]

I agree with Sandalwood7, definitely. And I'm not trying to harp on you, but, when they say detrimental effects, it really is detrimental. Just ask my psychiatrist, though I don't tell him much thanks to my trust issues

[sandalwood7]

Yeah Emo Princess... I agree. Yes, a bad marriage affects everyone in the family. Once you have kids, they should be a priority in your decisions. Staying togetherfor the sake of staying together despite problems, is not a solution, but is only ignoring the problem.

[EmoPrincess]

Yeah, my mum stays with an abusive man just to give me and my brother a father figure. I never knew that was abuse until a month or so ago when my mum sat me down and said daddys aren't supposed to beat mommys and kids. Thanks mum. Thanks

[wolfden2]

oh yes might not be a good idea yet to mention you have posted this to your wife as it could backfire instead of helping you to deal with your problems .......just a little advice :-)

Thanks for that input... she and I have had many discussions on the issues I've mentioned and repeatedly it's been that she will really try to make a change. I know she wants to try but when it comes down to it... even 2 yrs later, nothing has changed. When I first mentioned counsiling she became upset that I'd want to talk to some stranger about our problems. I am going next week alone (not telling her about it as of yet) but I may still get her to come with... we'll see.
Oh yes... and I didn't plan to mention my posting but obviously it may come up later so then we'll see how that all goes. Thanks again...

[EmoPrincess]

Don't hide it!

[sandalwood7]

Hide it... definitely don't tell your wife that you are on this site right now

[EmoPrincess]

Not that, the going to counciling. Look, my mum tried that. Don't!

[EmoPrincess]

Hiding the going I mean